Monday, May 22nd- First Day Back at Work
I forgot how much work work is. I woke up around 8am to give myself time to get ready before my shift that would begin at noon. I had a bagel and talked myself into watching an episode of House after writing the blog entry for yesterday. By then, I had less than an hour to get ready.
Work itself was interesting. I saw lots of familiar faces. This is my seasonal job, so I’d worked there just four months ago in January. I also met a few new people. One guy… Let’s call him Mr. G, since I really can’t remember his name. Well, Mr. G gave all of the customers fun facts. There was no end! He was cashier and I was bagger. It was great, because it’s my first day back and I just took over and started bagging like a pro. He’d never seen me before since he was hired after I left for university in January, so he must have first assumed I was new. That is until I sped past a couple customers. Ha! I liked him. Most of his fun facts were about animals. I used to be a huge animal nerd.
After working with him for about an hour I was sent to a meeting where all of the department managers in the whole store meet. Two other co-workers also graduated this year, so the three of us were recognized. In case you are confused: I work at a grocery store as a cashier. Though sometimes the managers have mercy on me and let me bag groceries. I say have mercy because I get pretty bad social anxiety.
My psychologist recommended I let my managers know about my anxiety and that I am susceptible to panic attacks (I’ve had a couple on the register in past years) before I’m in the middle of one. So I told my head manager. I told her how I get physical symptoms. Shortness of breath, and generally that it’s not all in my head if it manifests in physical form. She responded by saying that many other cashiers have anxiety. ~Thanks. I feel listened to.~ Either way, I survived the shift. Next one is on Thursday.
Tuesday, May 22nd- Lazy Day at Home
No work today, so I woke up late, texted people, and watched several episodes of House. Really, that’s all I did today. I remember how exhausted work would make me in past summers and winters. Working as a cashier goes against my personality, just like RHIM (Restaurant, Hotel, and Institutional Management, my first major) went against it. Link to the post about how I decided my college major here.
The thing is, working with people tires me out. Once I’m through with a shift, I can’t deal with people anymore. It puts me on edge. Pray for me, guys. It’s been three years, and I only stay for two reasons: 1) money 2) I hope it will force me to confront what makes me uncomfortable and help me get better at working around people. It has, but it’s still not easy.
Wednesday, May 23rd- Learning to Make Soup
Another lazy day here at home. I woke up around 4pm…again. Maybe, these changes happened too fast, and I’m just trying to adjust. Or maybe, it’s always been this way. I think it’s the latter. I just get bored at home. No school or responsibilities to focus on. Other than getting myself to work on time, I can do what I want. Which mainly consists of watching T.V. at the moment. There are definitely things I would like to do. That’s why I have ten billion hobbies. But at the moment… I don’t feel up to doing anything but lying on the couch and watching medical dramas.
Oh! My mom did teach me how to make fideo soup. I asked her to teach me a recipe or two per week while I’m at home. We started with a staple for your household.
Thursday, May 24th-New Faces and Old at Work
Well, I went to work. And watched more T.V.. Really, this is why I fear not having something to work towards. If I don’t have assignments and deadlines I don’t know what I have. Right now, my only responsibility is work. Ha, guess what? Maybe my manager did listen about the anxiety thing I mentioned to her. Another manager who was not there when I mentioned my anxiety sent me to a register today with a disclaimer… to tell her if I start to feel overwhelmed. *sigh* This is why I hadn’t told anyone before. I hate the special treatment.
Who cares about that though?! I got to see two old work buddies! Two good ones, in fact! Man, it was nice to see friendly faces! There are soooo many new people. Too many. More than usual… Oh well, can’t mourn people yet. I don’t ever know who is still here, who’s just on vacation, and who just hasn’t come back from academic break yet. By then, I won’t remember to mourn. That’s always been a silver lining in my seasonal job: amazing people. But, according to Panic! at the Disco’s song, (Fuck a) Silver Lining! …Yeah right, this is my fourth summer working this job. I’ve had time to go for gold.
Friday May 25th- Conversation Convictions at Work
I didn’t write this blog this night… Ahh, Now I can’t remember if anything interesting happened this day. I just remember going to work and feeling numb. I’ve accepted my fate. I hate being on a regular register. Express registers mean less items and thus less time with each customer. That also means more customers, but I don’t mind that, as long as I don’t have to spend too much time with each one of them. On a regular register though, orders are long. That means a lot of awkward silence from me.
Or that’s what it used to mean. Now it’s more like cold quite from me. I just don’t care anymore. I can’t afford to care. If you talk to me, I’ll talk to you. But I’m not going to try to start conversations and go all out to be someone I’m not. It drains me. And the customers aren’t worth it. I love connecting with customers and having genuine points of connection, but I refuse to force it. For me that means all you get is a “hello, how are you” and “have a great day”. I’ve even trained myself to fake smile as I say the golden phrases. It’s still exhausting.
Saturday, May 26th- Inspiration and Old Work Connections
I write when I get inspired. The best way to gauge this is when I get stuck on a thought or idea. I woke up with enough time to write my latest blog post titled Why I am Self Conscious of my Belly. It’s very personal, but I published it anyway. I seek to be honest. As if that would make my other sins forgiven… But, yeah, I just kept thinking about a question Richard had asked me. So I wrote.
Other than that, I went to work. I ignored people the best that I can for being on a big register for eight hours. Well, technically 7 and a half because one of the managers had mercy on me and let me clean registers for thirty minutes before my shift ended. I saw my ex. That was weird. Even for him. Background: we met at work a couple years ago, dated long distance for nine months, and broke up last summer. I also saw some more old work buddies. I love seeing more familiar faces among all the new ones.
Sunday, May 27th- The Day of Sleep
Soo, I stayed up all night… By 6 am, I decided I might as well do laundry while I watched my medical drama. So I loaded the washing machine and curled up on the couch to keep watching my show. By now, I was beginning to fall asleep against my will. Ohh, this can’t be good. I had my dad drive me to work. It’s the day before Memorial Day so it’s not like us lowly workers are allowed to park in the customer’s parking lot anyway. Plus, I was not in a condition to drive. Somehow though, I was deemed competent enough to price and accept people’s money. Yep, on a big register again. Not all day though!
I made some side remark to one of the managers about not being ecstatic to get back to my register and he told me it was okay as long as the person who had gotten on my register while I was on break was okay with it. He- thank heavens!- was. I bagged groceries, took out trash, and got on one of the express registers. I was nice to talk to my co-workers more than the customers.
Then at home I attempted to watch my show. My mom likes to watch it with me, so we sat on the couch and put it on. I got comfortable and fell asleep. Yeahh, I hoped to make it to a somewhat reasonable time like 9pm, but at 5 or 6pm I went to my bed to sleep. Geez, I’m not in college anymore; I have to stop doing all-nighters.