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Week of May 28th 2018- More Working and Sulking

Monday, May 28th- Singing with Mom

I was put on an express lane all my shift at work. One of my friends said I sounded too happy. Yeah, not being completely emotionally exhausted after a day’s work will do that. I have realized that it’s not people per se that exhaust me or cause me anxiety. My problem is with strangers. If I know a person won’t be negative towards me I have no problem standing next to them for eight hours. I do have a problem talking to countless people whose personalities and breaking points I do not know. I still don’t know what I’m so afraid of. I’ve been yelled at before.

That sounds like a topic for a Thoughts and the Past Post though, so I’ll move on. When I got home I ate and then listened to some music. My mom wandered into the living room, so I decided to switch the music to songs in Spanish so she could sing along with me. To my surprise, she did. We spent an hour scaring away my dad and then I called it a night.

Tuesday, May 29th- My Proud…Co-worker?

Early shift this morning. It was interesting. I’m not sure if it’s coincidence, or if there has been talk of my anxiety issues amongst the managers. I think it’s the second because all day today when I’ve been sent to a register they ask if it’s okay or if I feel up to it. That or they tell me I just have to be on a register for so many minutes. It’s weird… Well, I should be grateful. I was mostly in the little ten items or less area or bagging today. They even had me clean doors when they couldn’t find anything else for me to do. Not that I minded!

I got to talk to some nice co-workers. One of them was new when I was just about to leave last winter. He was so happy for me when I told him the news about my internship in Puerto Rico. He hugged me and told me he was very proud of me. That warmed my heart. Now I’m home wondering how I’m going to spend my afternoon. I would like to catch up on my translations on this blog, but ughhhhh there’s so much to do. I may just take the night off. I don’t work tomorrow anyway.

Wednesday, May 30th- Wasted Day

I did take the day off yesterday. And today. I did nothing. Sang with my brother and watched T.V. mainly. I’m going through another funk. Yesterday night it hit me how incredibly lonely I am. It’s illogical. I’m sad that people leave. That makes no sense, because it is in people’s nature to leave, or so I believe. It’s not like I expect people to stay with me forever. I don’t know what would make me happy. Those who leave make me sad or, worse yet, leave me feeling nothing. It’s become normal to me.

I was somewhat surprised I cried about Mariah leaving. (Background: She and I moved out of our college apartment a couple of weeks ago.) Maybe I loved her more than I care to admit. I’m hoping that’s what I was crying about.

Maybe the following isn’t true, but I feel like it is. If people don’t leave, I force them to. I do something to make it happen. It’s selfish, I know. I don’t know why the thought of people staying terrifies me. Yes, there’s the unknown factor, but apart from that, don’t I want people to stay? Why must I be so darn contradictory?! So, frustrating. Either way, I didn’t do much more than waste time and anxiously munch on candy and other snacks all day. ~Yay. Day off.~*

Thursday, May 31st- Translation Schedule for Blog

I worked later in the day today. Which means I had all morning to do what ever I wanted! …I translated a blog and worked on this site. My dad asked me why I have a website in a disproving tone. I was shocked by the obvious negativity in his voice that I couldn’t say much more than “I don’t know either.” There are benefits to having a blog, but he’s worried about hackers and stalkers. I hope to write something about this topic later- about the purpose of my blog. But I have an old post with this title that I’d like to publish first to compare with. However, the translations are taking so long! I made a schedule to work on them constantly. It looks like I will be caught up by June 25th. *sigh* Slow and steady wins the race, right?

At work the only exciting things that happened were that I was only on a big register for two hours and the rest of the time I was bagging or deep cleaning some of the registers. That was nice. Also, the new people are starting to be friendly versus simply polite. That’s a good sign. 🙂

Friday, June 1st- Proofreading with Mom

I was awoken by my brother’s alarm. Again. He has this light happy piano-esque music with birds chirping as his alarm. *sigh* Well, it got me up and working on this blog, so I can’t be too mad. I work in the afternoon again, so if I want to stick to the translation schedule I set up yesterday, I had to work on it in the morning. Check! Man, this blog is a lot of work!

Work was chill. I got to bag and be at the little registers most of the day. Another part I was on a big register and I got to fill bags of ice. The best part is always who I get to work with. By moving around so much, I got to talk with a lot of different co-workers so that was nice. I also got invited to go to the movies with one of them. 🙂

After work I bought donuts and went home where I proofread a blog I had translated into Spanish. My mom was a big help! It’s so nice to have someone look over my translations with me.

Saturday, June 2nd- No work, Time to Sulk

No work today. That means I got to sulk. All day. Good thing I bought doughnuts yesterday. It’s like I knew this was coming. Yes, I am in need of a second job or some volunteer work. Maybe even just getting rid of old things. Something! I need some other responsibility because work clearly isn’t enough to keep me occupied.

I woke up and translated an old blog. Then wondered what to do with myself after meeting my quota. Work person canceled movie plans. I was kind of happy about that. Gave me more time to sulk. Couple of anxiety ridden hours later and I’d watched (in complete seriousness) about a dozen episodes of my medical drama. Now it’s technically 4 am on Sunday and I’ve (literally) ripped old posters from my walls and taken down all other objects that bring back memories including my high school mum and diploma.

Must redirect energy into something positive. Not sleepy.

Sunday, June 3rd- Hi, How Are You? Did You Find Everything You Needed?

I slept till noon. Literally. I had work at 1 pm, so it was fine. I was on a big register for most of my short 6 hour shift. I got to say hi to a few nice co-worker friend peoples. I didn’t try. I got panicky towards the end of my shift, but it was mostly alright. Fine, I tried a little. I went beyond “hello, how are you” with a handful of people and asked “did you find everything you needed?”. It’s a common phrase… or should be among us cashiers. I hardly use it because I’m afraid of the answer being no. I’ve had the answer be no before. Not pleasant. Sometimes just awkward.

Anyway, after work I watched more of House and ate with my family. We had a nice little chat about nude beaches and those killer clowns that were on the news a few months ago. It was cool to have a chill chat with family. After that, I watched more of my show and listened to some music. I should go to bed soon. I have work at 7:30 am tomorrow.


(1) As always ~ encased words denotes sarcasm.

(2) Yes, my life is pretty boring at the moment. Just work and my thoughts. Bear with me, please.

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