What I’ve Lost and What I Should Not Find… Yet Or Maybe Ever.

Originally Published February 26, 2018

It’s hard to live life missing something, but it’s almost impossible and tangibly painful when you are aware of what it is you are missing. What I am struggling with is common. Boys. Ick! I never really cared for them in a romantic sense. They were my buddies growing up. I associated girls with drama and guys were so much more chill. It was easy hanging out with them. Sometimes, yeah, I’ll admit often times, I’d flirt. In my last year of middle school I discovered the joys of flirting. It flustered guys and that made me feel good. It made me feel powerful. Influential. Important. Though, I did not date in my school years, I flirted. Still today, I’m a big flirt.

It was like a game to me. How to make the opposite sex blush. Because that’s often how it would go with the boys in my league. They were shy and quiet types. Often intellectuals. On one of these occasions I got an offer I’d never gotten before. A next step, if you will. By this time, I was 20 years old. I’d gone on one, I repeat, one (there was no second!) date. And now I was offered a relationship request. The last time I had been asked to be someone’s girlfriend was in fifth grade. I ran off the playground and left that kid standing there with his heart in his hands! So you can bet, I considered this request.

In the end, I accepted. This changed my life in too many ways to count. The one change I’m struggling with now is simple. I, for the first time in a romantic sense, got love and affection and attention. Up to this point, I lived my life solitary. It was my normal. It wasn’t a problem. It was just my life. I didn’t know another way… until my first relationship. Yes, my first relationship was at 20 years old. Actually, a month before turning 21! I just barely committed to someone before having my first shot. Also, yes, I did wait until I was 21 to drink. This tells you even more about the type of person I was… maybe still am.

My long winded point being that by experiencing a relationship I got to experience all the wonders that come along with it. For the first time in my life, I had a person. My person. Someone I trusted with all of my secrets. I trusted him with my whole being. I never felt judged. This was HUGE for me. As you lovely readers may have picked up on, I’m wary of people. I don’t open up easily. I have a twinge of paranoia about everyone and everything. I surprised myself with him. I gave myself totally and, arguably, gave more than I had to give.

In return, I got love. Love so deep and beautiful that I had never experienced before. People have loved me before. My parents, friends, and family members, of course. But never an other. Never someone completely distant. Never a stranger who owed me nothing. Never someone who I could not explain away his care for me. Because before we were in a relationship we were strangers. He had no reason to love me. But he did. We clicked. We understood each other. That was one of the biggest things for me. No one had ever tried to understand me. Not my friends, or even my parents. He not only tried to understand me, but I sincerely believe that he did.

Aside from understanding, and genuine love, I got something I had never experienced with anyone before: physical affection. Since I had gone on one date in my life prior to this relationship, I had not done so much as sit next to a boy before him. With him, I learned the beauty of holding someone’s hand and crying in someone’s arms. I was so jittery in the beginning. I could not sit still. I didn’t know how. He taught me it’s okay to just lay with someone. Just lay together and enjoy each other’s presence.

I don’t have that anymore.

It was okay before I ever had it, because I did not know what I was missing. Since I didn’t know, I did not feel like I was missing anything. Back then, love and hugs were like a fairy tale to me. They were this mythical creature that I’d run into in the future. Not a concern of the present. Even after breaking up, I wasn’t too torn up about this. I went a bit extreme. That, “I swear off boys” phase. I really was done. No hugs, no love? I really did not care. I did not want it. I had it and it hurt me. It was not worth it.

But now…

If no one had poked my bubble. I would have done fine on my own. I was adjusting well back into singledom. But someone popped my bubble. Now I crave. I want. I need. But I don’t have. And it’s killing me.

I know I let him pop my bubble. It’s just so hard to say no when I have seen life outside this wretched bubble. But it is not time. This is not my hand to hold. I need to remember, and accept, that my life is meant to be alone. I need to be my own best friend. My own support. My own care giver. Then, and only then, can I think of a partner.

Please, wish me luck.

Slipping off the Mountain of Progress

Originally Published February 23, 2018

My mind is like a switch. It can go steadily up. Reaching higher and higher heights. Doing things I never thought I would then one comment and I’m at sea level again. This used to frustrate the hell out of my ex. I can see why. It frustrates me too.

I have struggled with negative thoughts for years. Before I understood my pattern, I saw my behavior as signs of being a failure. Now I see it as me being an almost hopeless failure. I don’t know where I get all of this hope from. Let’s not dive into that today. Instead here’s an example of the pattern I was talking about.

I love learning new things. I will get obsessed about a new project or skill and will spend hours learning it. A couple of weeks later though, I’m over it. When I was in high school, and even now in college, my peers or teachers would praise me for it. Just the other day, one of my classmates said “Oh Lizzie, you have the most interesting hobbies”. I told her I was translating lyrics and was hoping to translate them in a way that they could be sung to the music in the other language. Those lyrics have been sitting on my desktop screen untouched almost since she gave me that comment. I spent a good four or five hours straight working on them. Some syllables were too long others did not make sense. I remember my roommate wanted to do something, but I was so focused on the task at hand that I made her wait.

Now, I want to buy a keyboard. I want a good one because I think I may like it and dedicate my time to becoming a master pianist. I know from experience that the more likely thing is that I will obsess about piano for a few weeks at most then drop it like a hot potato. I just am not built to stick to things. Things or people. I am other. Yeah, yeah, doom and gloom. I know I’m not special. I know others of y’all feel this same way. Yet, there is something isolating about it, isn’t there? I want to be alone so much. I feel the paranoia gnawing at my face. Yet every time I see or hear my roommates I run to them. I run to the people close to me.

I’ve always had someone. In fact, I have a blog draft dedicated to this topic. It’s dedicated to the fact that I’ve always had someone despite the fact that I’ve never sought anyone out. It’s such a big theme in my life that it is the only draft I have not outright deleted or taken the time to perfect. That’s another of my problems: perfectionism.

Now, this blog post is rambly and long. I aim to only bombard y’all with one of those nuisances, so I apologize. I do that a lot. Apologize. There are just so many things I wish I was better at. So many things I’ve tried and let go of. So many people I’ve done the same with. I’m afraid of good things. I’m afraid because I don’t believe I deserve them. I know that is subjective. I know it doesn’t really matter because the world does not take care to keep things fair. Yet, I care.

All of this to say that one wrong step, one little comment, takes me from climbing the mountain of self improvement to tumbling down the ravine of self pity.

***

That was another post from my old blog when I was a senior in university. Whenever I read things like what you just did I get the strongest urge to give past me a huge, tight hug. But, I can’t. I can’t change the past, only my future. So, while I still feel like I wrote sometimes and I still have that pattern, I choose to work on improving myself and my habits rather than dwell on them. I will keep climbing the mountain of progress regardless despite of how often or how badly I slip. 

I Will Be Nice to Whomever I Want To

In lieu of August 13th’s Weekly Blog…

I won’t deny that part of the reason I haven’t been motivated to write is due to my own laziness, but there is another reason. I often struggle with how much detail to write. I know this is my blog and I’m allowed to have my opinion on my life, yet… some things seem invasive. I know everyone has pseudo names, yet… They know who they are. And if they wanted to they could read what I write about them. I’m not saying I want to speak ill of them; I’m saying I don’t know how much is too much information to share. I don’t know what each individual’s limit is. Even with the pseudo names…

But here it is. It’s my blog. My feelings. My thoughts. I’m not trying to make anyone look bad or anything like that. I’m hoping to express myself and put something out there that is real. My life isn’t all sunshine and rainbows, so I’m not going to write like it is and gloss over all the less than pleasant.

Background, feel free to skip

Sure, I miss my family, and we’ve gotten so much work and assignments pending that I feel like I’m drowning. (<– Reference of a song by Two Feet by the same name), but that’s not what’s been affecting me as much. Recently two of my roommates got into a screaming match. Background: I’m doing a dietetic internship in Puerto Rico. I live with three other Americans who are also in the internship. Their (pseudo) names are Robin, Axyl, and Karen. Also, in our apartment complex are two other interns: Gia and Uuie.

We are currently in orientations for the internship, which means that all (ten total) interns go to the same place from 8am to 4pm every Monday through Friday since the first of August. Plus, you know, four of us also live together. That’s a long time to spend with the same people. Also, people are…unique. It is our nature that we won’t get along. But enough of my philosophical musings. Here are the facts:

The Screaming Match

One day, I had to go with Karen after the internship to find out about health insurance or something, so we left for our apartment to get some papers as soon as we were dismissed that day. This meant Robin and Axyl were just getting home ten or fifteen minutes after we did. I’m sitting on the couch for a second before grabbing our papers and heading to the insurance building when Robin walks in with an odd, concerned look on his face. I’m about to ask him if he’s okay, when I hear Axyl bellow, “Ms. Karen, we need to talk!”.

He sounded serious. And while, I know they haven’t been on the best of terms for the past few days (or weeks at this point?), I did not anticipate what happened next. Karen, casually, and with an overly peppy voice, replied, “yeah?”. Axyl tells her to come out of her room to the living room. Where I am sitting on the couch, mind you! He then proceeds to yell at Karen for a comment she made to another intern about his Spanish speaking abilities. While she begins attempting to explain her side of the story, Axyl just gets angrier and screams louder about how disrespectful it is to talk about people behind their back and (as it tends to happen) things get personal. Axyl begins to scream how Karen has no right to feel bad about anyone’s Spanish speaking abilities since her Spanish is even worse than his.

Sooo I Ran Away

At this point I’ve had enough. I can tell you that I didn’t think this would escalate further (which I really didn’t since I’d never experienced something like this), but the truth is I was simply afraid. I didn’t want to be in the middle of this. People were yelling. (Karen, at this point was trying to talk over Axyl to put her two cents in.) I don’t like yelling. I can’t deal with it. I don’t like to deal with it. So I fled. I fled. Cowardly, I fled.

I tried to gather my papers in my room while the screaming escalated in the living room. It’s almost painful to hear someone yell with so much emotion in their voice. Axyl was hurt. It was obvious. But he was also yelling. Eventually things got to: Axyl: “you aren’t getting the last word!” pause. Karen: “Fuck you.” And some more assorted yelling. Eventually I heard Robin return from his room (which he had retreated to upon entering the apartment) and tell the two to separate. I admire him for that. I’ve said this before, but Robin’s good in an emergency.

Aftermath Recap

So, both Karen and Axyl went inside their rooms. Thing is, I share a room with Axyl. He comes in wanting to talk about what just happened. I’m low key scared of him. (He didn’t strike me as the type to yell like he just had so, I was on edge). Luckily, Karen and I were going to be late to go to the insurance building. Karen asked me if I was ready, so we skedaddled! But, of course, Karen also wanted to talk about what had just happened.

I let her talk and gave my input as I saw fit. I’m sure it seemed like I was taking Axyl’s “side”. When Axyl talked about Karen after this incident he’s accused me of defending Karen. No, I’m not on anyone’s side! I just try for people to see the other point of view. I told Karen, there may be more going on. A person does not just explode like that. I wasn’t making excuses for his behavior; I was encouraging her to talk to him. I told Axyl that it didn’t seem like Karen had attempted to hurt him with her comment. I told him, we all talk about other people at some time or another and we all perceive things differently. Another push for communication.

Fractured Life Now

To no avail. They are not talking. And, Karen is pulling away. She’s spending more time out of the apartment. Gia is upset that Axyl told (yelled at) Karen because she told him the comment Karen had told her. Axyl has declared Gia a sworn enemy. I can’t be nice to or even wait for Karen or Gia to go to the train without hearing about it from Axyl. To be honest, I don’t click with Karen. Or maybe I do, but I don’t have a desire to hang out with her. There’s no friendship spark there. I haven’t hung out with Gia in weeks, though it seems she and Karen are spending a lot of time together.

It really is like third grade all over again. My friend (Gia) found a new friend (Karen) plus all of the other drama. But, like I concluded in third grade, that’s okay. If my friend finds someone else she’d rather hang out with (a better friend even) that’s good. She deserves the best, even if that isn’t me. Now, I’m not saying it’s that drastic. Gia and I still get along, we just aren’t spending as much time together.

I Will Be Nice to Whomever I Want To

As far as the Axyl Karen thing… I don’t know. I’m tired of hearing smack talk. I’m tired of feeling the negative energy in our apartment. But it’s not my problem to fix. If they don’t want to ever talk to each other again, that’s on them. Yeah, it affects me, but I can’t force people to get along. All I can do, is keep being me. Just like I waited on Karen and Gia at the tailor’s yesterday while Robin and Axyl walked to the train station without us, I’ll keep being polite like my parents taught me. I’ll keep talking to everyone when I want to. I will not let someone else’s life and relationships affect mine more than necessary.

*~*~*

P.S. Guess who turned out to be my Internship Partner for the next 10 months? The person I will be going to rotations with Monday to Friday for the next 40+ weeks? The person I will be presenting case studies and working on assignments with from week to week? Gia! …This should be interesting. But you’ll hear more about all of our interesting adventures throughout the following months. 🙂 As of right now, I’m happy with the partner I got appointed.

The Mock Interview

Originally Published February 18, 2018

Look! Another old blog draft. You’ll probably be able to tell where the draft ended and where I added the ending, but I hope it’s still entertaining. Here it is:

Let me tell y’all a story…

Today, I went to my university’s career center to do a mock interview. It’s for a class and not a big deal. So, I wake up early. I think, “Yeah, two hours before my interview is enough time to shower and get ready for this thing”. Fast forward to 7:00 in the morning. Snooze. Snooze. Snooze. I didn’t get up until 8:15 am. My interview was set for 9:00 am. Yep. I got dressed, lazily printed out a couple of resumes and searched my whole apartment for a belt and decent jacket. Finding neither, I start walking to the door. I have approximately twenty minutes to get to my interview which is, conveniently, a mile away. Now, I live relatively close to my university, but a mile is a mile.

I shyly slide into my roommate’s side of the apartment hoping not to catch her as she’s brushing her teeth or (like a couple weeks ago) watching YouTube videos au naturel. Luckily she was doing neither of those things. She was just going through her closet like a normal human being when I asked her about the parking situation for the building I was heading to. Upon discovering that this would not be an option for me I start to walk away. Like the good human being that she is though, she scolds me about not taking a jacket and goes ahead and gives me one. She also gives me a belt for bonus points.

Quick side note about my roommate. Let’s call her Mariah. She is one of the sweetest most caring person I have ever met. But she believes in tough love. You’ll hear more about this in coming blogs, I’m sure. Alright, back to the story.

So, with borrowed jacket and belt donned, I take off. 17 minutes. That’s okay. I planned to ride my bike anyway. One mile has nothing on my Huffy Cruiser! I cross the street and go to grab my bike, but it’s not there. That’s when I remember I moved it closer to my college. It’d be more convenient I had said at the time. Great. Just great. 15 minutes now and still .8 miles to go. I could sidetrack and get my bike but that’d be about a quarter of the journey I already had. No! I decided. I will walk! I will walk, and I will make it on time!

Somehow, I do arrive exactly at 9 am. But, what’s this? This isn’t the career center! It’s hospitality services. A few paces ahead: student housing. Oh gosh. I’m late.

After this whole ordeal to make it to my mock interview I end up flying through it and getting multiple compliments and a few pointers for the real thing. It was extremely surprising to hear that I have nothing to worry about in a real interview. The mock interviewer said I seemed relaxed and natural. I’ve never thought people skills come naturally to me, but it’s moments like these that make me pause and think, “hey, maybe anything is possible…”.

Week of August 6th 2018- Losing Steam

It’s Monday. Not the 6th. The 13th. I’m not nearly as motivated as I used to be to write for this blog. I’m not going to pretend that I’m writing everyday. This week, we dietetic interns spent Monday and Tuesday essentially going over an approximately 200+ page document that specifies all of the guidelines we must follow and all of the assignments we are required to complete. We only got around half of it complete. Man. It’s a lot of assignments, projects, and general work.

Three Day Long Nutrition Convention

Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday we were required to go to a nutrition convention. We’d get up around 5am so we could leave at 6am and get there early. Our director has a thing about getting to places early. The first day was all about diabetes. That was okay. I took some notes then started to doodle to stay awake. I used to do this in university classes. It’s just so hard to focus when sleep deprivation nips at you.  Anyway, I sketched a chair, the ballroom, and wrote a poem. Nothing like the cover I made on my notebook at the lactation convention last week, but still.

The next day was better, since we got to pick what topics we wanted to listen to. Did I mention we had to get there at 7am or so? The presentations didn’t start until 8am, and didn’t end until 4pm. We got periodic breaks after two or three presentations. Kind of whenever suited the organizers of the convention. This meant sometimes we’d go 3 or so hours without a break. Have you been to a 3 hour long lecture without a break? It’s awful. No matter how interesting the topic. And these weren’t interactive. Just sitting there. Some of the topics and presenters were interesting, but… I dare say the number was maybe 10% of what we had to sit through in those freezing rooms. Why is it that in Puerto Rico, people set the air conditioning indoors to 60 something degrees Fahrenheit?! That’s cruel. From tropical to tundra.

Anyway, my favorite topics were business wellness programs and considerations when using BMI. The BMI information was old news, but it was a nice refresher. We interns strolled to the beach (right in front of where the convention was at the hotel) in our business clothes. People stared at us like we were crazy. I, of course, wish we could have gotten in the ocean. After the convention I spent Saturday and Sunday lounging around the apartment. I thought I’d sleep in until 2pm on Saturday, but my body was traumatized and woke me up at 8am. Oh well. Sunday night I finally left the apartment though!

Transportation Frustration and Cleaning Thoughts

Robin dragged me to Walmart, since I told him not to let me weasel my way out of going. I often tell him I’ll go with him somewhere and then decide not to go with him as he’s about to walk out the door. I’m flaky. I don’t like being like that, but things seem like much better ideas before you have to put them into action. What also doesn’t help is that anything here without a car takes so much time and effort to get done. It took us about an hour to get to and another hour back from Walmart. Plus, I bought two big, cumbersome rolls of cloth. Buying things is more difficult and unsavory when you have to lug it across town with you.

Just the walk to the closest train station is ten to fifteen minutes. So, minimum a twenty minute walk going anywhere. I didn’t have a car until I was 18 or my first two years of university, but then, either my parents drove me around or I didn’t have to go much farther than campus. I did also have a bike in university. Aside aside*, my last task of the week was to clean the kitchen as per our apartment mates cleaning schedule. I don’t clean. I’ll clean as messes happen and then if a certain area gets too bad, but a regular cleaning schedule? Nah. So, this is new, but I used to manage a hospitality location on campus, so I know how to clean a kitchen.

Gia’s New Roommate and Partner Hints

Other exciting news, Gia said yes to a roommate. All she’s said about him is that the guy is in his 30’s, is super laid back, and is gay. Sounds cool to me. More news, a hint about our pair whom we will go to rotations with and thus complete assignments together all year long. The hint is that we will not be matched with anyone we live with. That takes Robin, Axyl, and Karen out of the game for me, but still leaves Gia, her roommate (whose pseudo name I’ve forgotten…awkward! Let’s rename her Uuie), Gean, Sue, Kayla, and Amanda. Six potential partners. We were told we’d find out next week.

Till then, have a good week, guys. Come back on Friday for a post about how I raced to do a mock interview last semester. It’s an old blog post and I was trying out prose. It’s interesting. Putting detail into the seemingly ordinary.

Why Be Happy?

Originally Published February 18, 2018

Hey guys, I found a draft from a post I was working on during winter break. It’s got a tiny story moment so I figure why not post it. I’m doing better in regards to the happy issue, but that’s today. Here’s that old blog:

Y’all deserve a happy blog. But, I am not happy. I feel like I should be. Not for myself. That seems like a nice perk though. I feel the need to be happy for those around me. After all, who wants to hang out with someone who is sulking in the corner? In public, such as when I am walking around campus (background info, I’m a senior in university), I used to feel pressured to hold a light smile. Why? People in high school would periodically approach me with a concerned look on their faces and ask if I was okay. It’d baffle me every single time. First, that someone was talking to me as that was rare in those days. Second, by the question itself. “Yeah, I’m fine. Why do you ask?” was my common response. The answer? Infallibly, it would either be “You looked really sad.” or “You looked really angry.”.

This didn’t end in high school. Once, maybe a year or two ago, I was on campus looking for the electrical engineering building. There was a meeting for the software development club that afternoon. Now, I’m not an engineer or a programmer, so I gave myself ample time to find the building. By the time I did, I still had at least fifteen minutes to spare. So, I did what any sensible socially awkward person would do. I sat outside a side entrance and waited in blissful solitude. It began getting dark when a young woman exited the building and approached me with that same concerned look I’d forgotten about. She asked me if I was okay. Baffled as always, I replied I was fine. She looked at me a second longer and explained that I looked very sad. Just as quickly, she gave me a kind smile and walked away. I sat there dumbfounded under the setting sun before deciding to head inside despite the likelihood of social interaction.  (I never went to another one of those meetings.)

Why do I feel the need to be happy around co-workers, subordinates, friends, and family?

***

I don’t want to be a burden. I don’t want to be the weakest link. The last resort. I want people to want to hang out with me. I want to promote friendships. I don’t want people to equate me with a boring or sad time. In high school I dedicated myself to my studies and only my studies. I was quiet and sullen. No one talked to me unless I had cupcakes, it seemed. (A strong factor in why I learned to bake, I’m sure.) 

Being positive and happy around co-workers makes people want to work with you. It makes work more fun and easier. Around subordinates, it helps to get work done because people are generally more receptive to orders given with a smile than a furrowed brow. With friends, positivity makes you a good option to have fun together. Same with family, and all the other categories.

It all comes down to this: Looking happy (even if you don’t feel it) builds relationships. It lets others know that you are receptive to fun or positive experiences and thus, encourages people to invite you to have a fun, positive time with them. Happiness is a social beacon. 

I don’t know about you guys, but I want to attract happy, positive people. Even if they are people like me who may not feel like that all the time. That’s okay. I want to be able to put aside any pain or pessimism in my life and be able to have fun and be happy despite it all. And I want to find people who can do that too. 

So, I’ll continue to smile, even as I cry, because I want people around me to know that those two things are not mutually exclusive. I hope you reading this can find a smile within you today and all your days to come (no matter how small or fleeting that smile may be). Take care, friends. 🙂

Week of July 30th 2018- First Week of Dietetic Internship and I Have a Shopping Problem…

Monday, July 30th- Another Shopping Day

First news of the day: we have to be in Ponce (an hour and a half car trip away from where we live) at 7am on Wednesday, the first day of our dietetic internship. My apartment mates and I do not have a car. However, we figured something out with the three Puerto Rican girls in our program who do have cars.

After this news we (Robin, Gia and I) went for some retail therapy. I got a calendar from Walgreens, The Fault in Our Stars at the bookstore next door, Robin got some shoes at Journeys, I got shoes at the Croc’s store, a fruit basket, professional backpack, and spoon rest at Marshall’s, and we all splurged on cheesecake from Cheesecake Factory.

The best part of this trip was probably getting a nail cutter from Walgreens. I’ve learned to appreciate a lot of things since I moved. I went to the gym with Robin then, at home, called my mom and read The Fault in Our Stars to her.

Tuesday, July 31st- Lazy Day and Grocery Shopping with Karen

I lazed around all morning. Axyl talked about going to Costco when Gia came by. We talked about the meal plan homework. Then she left, so I lazed around more. Really spent the morning doing nothing until Karen asked if I’d go to the local grocery store with her. Uhhhh more money, but I went and found a ton of stuff to buy. I bought the ingredients I need to make orange chicken. Too tired though, I made Quesadillas for dinner. Yum. Then I read to my mom. Still so hungry. Strange.  Must get up early tomorrow….  *cry cry*

Wednesday, August 1st- Mandatory Hospital Trainings

Woke up early at 4:59am. Well, Axyl woke me. One minute before my alarm. That’s why I remember. Two of the Puerto Rican girls came to pick us up. Robin, Axyl, and Gia went with Gean. Karen and I went with Sue and found Amanda (another fellow intern) already in the car. She had returned to her hometown and last we’d heard she was finding her way back to Puerto Rico. Interesting.

What was not interesting was the mandatory hospital training we had to attend. It was so cold in that room that it was all I could think about. They started late and ended late, so we were an hour late to the next hospital meeting like this one at our local hospital (an hour and a half away). We just caught the tail end of it. They may count it. I mean, I think it’s common sense not to stick your hands with needles or touch other people’s blood, don’t you?

At home, I was so tired, I didn’t even make it to my bed. I crashed on the couch and fell asleep. When I woke up, I was so hungry, but still so tired, that I made quesadillas. I was still hungry. Why have I been so hungry lately? Then I read to my mom over the phone and ate moldy grapes. It’s the second time I’m eating grapes and suddenly notice a couple of moldy ones in the container. Ugh. Still so tired. Early time tomorrow too.

Thursday, August 2nd- I Held Karen’s Toothpaste Captive

Got up. Robin was in the shower. Then Axyl showered. So I had breakfast because I forgot we would get breakfast at the event. Then I went to take a shower. Twenty minutes later, Karen knocked. I thought she wanted to shower and hadn’t realized it’d already been 20 minutes, so I hurried- she barged in the second I opened the door. To get her stupid toothpaste. Now mad, she rushed out the door and the guys followed her. My hip tried to jiggle out of place. That happens to me periodically. So, I hobbled down the stairs as fast as I could. Which wasn’t that fast. Luckily my femur got back into place by the time I reached the bottom of the stairs.

We got to the infant nutrition and lactation conference super early. We listened to several presentations that advocated lactation. Karen sat apart from us, obviously still upset. At the end of the conference she stormed off and so did everyone else. I was by myself, when Amanda found me and offered to share an Uber with me. I accepted, thinking they’d all left me. They hadn’t. They were downstairs. Everyone expect Karen and the girls with cars. Amanda had already gotten the Uber, so I left with her anyway.

Once home, I walked to Starbucks and read there with a coffee for a long time. At home, I read to my mom. Then I chatted with Robin who gave me a slice of his pizza and some chicharrones. After this, I wrote for this blog, listened to music, and chatted with Axyl until my dad called. I’m contemplating moving out. Amanda said she was going to live with Gia as the third roommate, but she bailed and now Gia needs another person. I’m the fourth person in my small three bedroom apartment. It’d work out logistically.

Friday, August 3rd- Ladies Are Required to Wear Makeup. Why?!

Another day on the job. We (when I type we and don’t specify who, it means all of us ten dietetic interns) went to the health department and got a lot of references and books we will need throughout the year. We also got the order that us ladies must wear makeup everyday that we come to work. WHAT?! I don’t wear makeup. Any makeup. So, I asked what the bare minimum would be. Foundation and lipstick. …I don’t own foundation. No idea how that works. I respect that others wear makeup. I am not familiar with it, and would rather not put stuff I don’t know much about on my face. Ugh.

Anyway, we also heard from some of the preceptors (dietitians we will shadow throughout the year). That was interesting. Today it was someone from elderly centers in the next town over who also research Alzheimer’s. That’s fascinating. Then someone who does retail dietetics at a grocery store. That’s a relatively new field. Seeing as I’ve worked (and not loved) my cashier job of the last three years, I’m a bit more excited about the first rotation. After the talks, we went back to the local hospital from Wednesday to do more trainings and to make up the one we’d missed.

After our unpaid work, I attempted to make orange chicken. Succeeded, but Axyl and Karen were a bit scared about the oil I had to use to fry the chicken. Karen quizzed me on what to do in case of an oil fire. I, to mess with her, told her, “put water on it DUH!” She was scared. HA! Never throw water on an oil fire! Smother it. Water will make the fire worse. Depriving it of oxygen, by covering it with a lid will smother it and thus stop the fire. Her reaction was hilarious! I did burn the rice, but not the apartment, so I think that’s a success.

Saturday, August 4th- And More Grocery Shopping… What Do I Even Buy?!

I wanted it to be a lazy day, but Axyl invited me to Marshalls and Gia invited me to the grocery store. I have a problem. Even though I’ve gone to the grocery store about five times in the past week and a half, I still spent lots of money. I found a few items that reminded me of home, like Mexican candy and Tajin (fruit chili), and iced tea that reminds me of my college town in west Texas.

After that, I didn’t want to leave the house anymore, so I spent a while singing in a corner of my room while Robin and Axyl went to the mall to get suits. I’m still struggling with the make up requirement thing. Ugh. So I put some lipstick on to see what it’d be like. I felt like a clown. Ugh. I’ll probably write a post dedicated to why I am so uncomfortable with the issue of makeup.

After my singing session, I went to make more orange sauce for all the left over chicken I had from Friday. Then I read to my mom. I feel like Axyl listens in when I read out loud. He came into our shared room just as I’d started reading and would comment periodically. After reading, I went to bed a bit worried because I hadn’t taken off the lipstick and some foundation Gia donated to me. It started raining, so I got up to close the window and take off the makeup.

Sunday, August 5th- Homesick and Mopey

I’m homesick. I don’t think I’ve ever felt this way. Maybe it’s the iced tea and Mazapan talking. They remind me of my past. Which at the moment seems better than the present. Everything here is new and unknown. Memories are old and familiar. No wonder people get homesick.

I spent the day lounging around, as I tend to do when I’m not feeling super peppy. I read ahead from the book that I’m reading to my mom (The Fault in Our Stars). It may seem redundant, but it really helps so I know what tone to read things in and how to pronounce tough words. Plus, I didn’t feel like going out or socializing. I posted something about being homesick and all of the support (especially when my best friend, Lyza, texted me to check up on me) made me cry. I tell you: if you want to make me cry, be nice to me.

I watched a movie (The Big Sick) and then, finally, convinced myself to shower. My mom called so I could read to her, so I did, before reheating my leftover orange chicken and white rice and beginning my laundry. I swept and mopped my side of the room and cleared up my desk where I currently sit typing this. I also organized my make up bag, seeing as I’ll have to use it tomorrow. Ugh.

 

Notes:

  1. Back to two or three paragraphs per day. I’m not going to describe my whole day anymore. Just one or two instances within it that were interesting. Or I will describe my whole day, but a very condensed version. Not sure yet.
  2. Views on my blog are down and so am I. I miss home. I wish we had a solid internship schedule already, so I’d have something else to focus on.
  3. I decided not to move in to Gia’s extra room. I will stay here in my tiny shared room with Axyl. I don’t know why. It sounds better to have my own room, be on the first floor, with people that cook less than I do so I can use the kitchen more, etc. But… I don’t know. I have a feeling that I should stay put. I hope I’m right about it. Whatever it is.

Beautiful Male Characterization

Originally Published February 18, 2018

His goal in life is to cause chaos in mine.

He succeeded.

Inspired by one of my university roommates, Richard. The line came to me back in February when he came to distract me from writing or some other work I was doing at the time. Sounds like something out of a teen novel.