Monday, January 21st- Learning to Make Menus and Exploring Puerto Rican Cuisine
Nothing fun today. Just went to the rotation where the preceptor told Gia and I we were “failing in even the most basic of things” in regards to the two week menu we turned in. So, she spent the morning explaining how to properly write a menu, the structure and whatnot and even the types of culturally appropriate foods in Puerto Rico. Man, I was wrong. There are a lot of different foods in Puerto Rico. I’m still not on the starchy vegetable bandwagon though! We got to try a few and one downright tasted like chalk! (Yautia, featured image above)
Tuesday, January 22nd- Anxiety Hurts Me and Those Around Me
My day was tainted by Gia snapping at me. I hate how I let my anxiety prevent me from doing so many things. I’ve gotten good at working around it. I enable my own anxiety by finding ways to work with it instead of defying it., but I’ve gotten too good at it to the point that it’s just natural to me. Today I didn’t want to get up to ask the preceptor a question. Gia had a question on her part of the partnered assignment due today. I dreaded it. So, I didn’t jump on that band wagon. Instead I was beginning to suggest a way to do the assignment without asking the preceptor. I was in the middle of telling Gia we could print it the way it was and if the preceptor said something still needed to be fixed, I would print the page with the changes.
I didn’t get through my sentence before Gia snapped at me, blaming me for not letting her ask the preceptor. It was my anxiety! Mine! I didn’t want to ask the preceptor. Of course, I didn’t enthusiastically jump up and run with her to ask! I never prohibited her from asking!! I simply didn’t encourage it. Ugh. I hate myself. This topic has come up before. You’ll get to read about a big dramatic thing that happened when I post about Thanksgiving break from last year (I think that should be up by Friday). Basically, Gia has brought up me holding her back because I, in her words, “get annoyed” or otherwise make her feel bad for asking questions. I get in my way of that. I have anxiety. I am not in control of it at the moment. I don’t mean for that to affect her. The effect it has on me already drives me crazy. Ugh. I hate myself.
So I bought ice cream, a little fast food strawberry pie and other random junk. I don’t have time to cope in a healthy way. Gosh. Don’t be like me. Please.
Wednesday, January 23rd- Sorry, Just Ranting about Anxiety. Feel Free to Skip
You know, I annoy myself. I do. I don’t like the person I am. At least other people can get away from me. They can snap at me or cast me out. Believe me, I can do that to myself too, but what I can’t do is get away from myself. Which stinks, because a lot of the time, I wish I could. Today, I apologized to Gia for suggesting some complicated, unnecessary way to complete the assignment yesterday without asking the preceptor because I was too anxious for that to even be an option for me.
I told her I am frustrated at myself and I hate that anxiety keeps me from doing even normal type things in my life. I told her it’s even worse when it affects other people and that I am not in control of it right now. That I know I’m always apologizing for the same things, but that I do genuinely feel bad every time and it’s not something I can fix over night, but that I would work on it to at least not affect any group work we have to do.
She didn’t respond well to it. She told me she’s sick of getting counted off for things that are my flaws not hers because I’m her partner. Specifically, she mentioned the Spanish language difficulty some of our preceptors have put on our evaluations. (I grew up speaking Spanish, but not reading or writing it like she did.) She also said it does bother her when I prevent her from doing things. (I did not! I didn’t want to ask, but I did not tell her not to go ask! But I guess that’s how she perceives it.) She concluded by saying that I’ll never understand her, and she’ll never understand me, but she wasn’t going to argue when I didn’t agree to something she wanted to do since that would avoid problems.
Really? And this isn’t a problem? Getting upset every other day and apologizing for it to be thrown back in my face? That’s better than just telling me, “hey, I understand you don’t want to go ask do you mind if I go ask?”? That would have been the end of it. But I didn’t say that. I just said softly and sincerely, “and you think this is better?”. She looked me straight on and said, “Yes.” in this hard, determined voice. I said, “okay.”.
Then I got home and was okay, until Axyl brought up my anxiety. He said I have to be more outgoing and ask questions and that he can’t understand why that’s so hard for me. That it would help the preceptors get to know me a bit and blah, blah, blah. I tried to explain, just as I’d tried to explain to Gia this morning how I understand intellectually that talking and asking questions is the solution. I see all the benefits it would bring versus being shy and quiet. However, emotionally it doesn’t even seem like an option. He stared at me with blank eyes and no understanding. That triggered me into a sad state, and I spent the next hour or so hiding out in the kitchen singing songs softly.
Thursday, January 24th- Last Time at my Old Apartment!
First day I didn’t have to go to a print shop before my food service rotation. That was nice. We actually had stuff to do today which was even better. The preceptor had a meeting this morning but left us to do some accounting invoices. I liked that. Instead of some other times where we kind of just waited around. I guess we could have gone to the kitchen and observed or something, but read above (Anxiety!). Yeah, I like accounting work. Later Gia and I scampered over to the nearby McDonald’s since the kitchen at the hospital is super cold and full. We bought a pie and sat inside. It was super awkward to eat my lunch there. A hot dog. Clearly not on the menu… XD haha!
Afterwards I walked back with Gia to my old apartment complex. There I got to meet Uuie’s dog (a fellow intern’s and one of Gia’s roommates). I also went to my old apartment to clean up the left over trash I’d left in my room when I moved out in a rush. I returned the keys to a terse Robin who didn’t even want to look at me and I knocked and knocked and knocked on Karen’s door to settle some money matter (to finish that topic and tell her I don’t even want her money anymore). She didn’t open the door. Even so, it felt SO GOOD to leave that apartment. I never have to go back!!!!
Friday, January 25th- Hiding in the Broom Closet Drinking Coffee with Gia XD
The preceptor was busy all morning. She was doing some paperwork until about 11:30 am. So, Gia and I hung out in the kitchen for the most part. We were given a cup of coffee by one of the kitchen workers, but we didn’t want to get told off by our preceptor for lollygagging, so what did we do? We (I’m completely serious about this) hid in the supply closet while we sipped our coffee. Ha! It was hilarious. We were giggling over our cups half the time. I wonder if the other interns get themselves into comic situations like we do.
Once the preceptor was finished, she assigned us more projects to do. One is to find a recipe and adapt it for 100+ people. Some sort of rice or pasta or starchy vegetable which Puerto Ricans group into what’s called “farinaceos”. It’s a whole separate food group here which also includes bread. It’s like the U.S. carbohydrate food group but including starchy vegetables. Anyway, there’s that plus a proposal for a recycling program and a proposal for an outpatient clinic. We are just her little monkeys, aren’t we? All the work we do either helps her get ahead (like the accounting stuff we did the other day) or she uses to present to her bosses. Isn’t that convenient? I mean, if I have free labor (the internship doesn’t pay us interns), I’d use it too, but come on!
After lunch we went around the department and observed the preceptor give a meeting to her kitchen staff about areas to improve and what health inspectors look for. When it ended (two hours later!!), Gia and I got to help fill up cups of juice and package the snacks for that night. 🙂 That was fun! I’d work doing that. It’s calming to do a repetitive task. When I got home, I took a shower then chit chatted a bit with Axyl before he fell asleep. At 7pm! So I watched a movie and called it a day myself.
Saturday, January 26th- I Got on a Dating App…
What did I do Friday night after watching the movie? I decided my life isn’t busy enough, so I finally caved and got on a dating app. Epp! I’ve never been on one and I’m not what you would call a promiscuous person. So, I was pretty hesitant since as far as I know, most dating apps are known for hook up culture. (Maybe that’s not the case, but it’s what I’ve heard.) Well, I gave it a shot on a whim and after setting up my profile, promptly fell asleep. I woke up late. I know I have a ton of assignments to do, but ugh… it’s overwhelming.
I spent the day chatting with a match I got on the dating app and with Richard. Haha, I got Richard and Axyl to talk with each other. That was funny. They are my two best guy friends, so it was cool that they hit it off. Both are these super direct, I-Don’t-Care-If-It-Hurts-Your-Feelings-It’s-The-Truth kind of people.
As for the guy from the dating app, he was alright. Made me laugh right off the bat, but the conversation didn’t completely flow. By the end of the day, I asked to meet up with him. I have a date with him next Friday.
Sunday, January 27th- Someone Send me Motivation, Please
I don’t know what I’ve done all day. Procrastinate and stuff mainly. I’m not motivated and can’t find the energy to work without motivation. *sigh* I’m so tired.
2 thoughts on “Week of January 21st 2019-Food Service Week 2 (Mostly Ranting About Anxiety… Then Coping by Joining a Dating App)”
Hey, when you have anxiety getting on the dating app is a huge deal and a huge win. Congratulate yourself on a big step forward
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Thank you! I appreciate that. 🙂