A lot has happened since summer when I wrote my last “weekly” blog, haha…… so before posting that this weekend, this is the shortest version I could bring myself to write about the highlights (and lowlights) of the last six months since I’ve moved back in with my parents.
Lots of Sadness with One Glimmer of Happiness for someone else, not me (of course!)
Sad yes. Life nothingness. Processing (more like repressing) memories from the year prior (nutrition internship in Puerto Rico). Adapting to life living in my parent’s home again. Regret not moving in with my university friend, Sherri, in West Texas. Very spotty triathlon training. Just sad and unmotivated. More sad. Internship friend Axyl passed his licensure exam and officially became a dietitian. I hadn’t even signed up for my exam.
Little health scare. Possible rheumatoid arthritis. Nope, just deficient in Vitamin D. Phew. Doctor recommended a supplement. Less random muscle pains and joint pains. Kind of grew out of touch with my therapist I’d started seeing since moving back to Texas with parents. Very sad. Axyl asking if I’d registered for my exam. I asked him to ask me again in a couple of days. I signed up for exam. Couldn’t tell him no the next time he asked.
Still spotty triathlon training. Convinced family to join gym (because I needed a pool to train for triathlons, yes I was still deluding myself that that was going to happen). Mom and brother and I began going swimming three times a week. I taught my mom to swim (just the basics, like how to not drown in a pool). Focused on doing well in American Sign Language class I had signed up with my brother at a local community college. Still cooking and meal planning weekly, but with less enthusiasm. Became more of a chore.
One Month Before my Licensure Exam- Using Instagram as Inspiration
ASL classes are over. Did very well. But still stuck. Couldn’t bring myself to start studying. About half a week later I decided to seek help via Instagram. Began adding to my story there obsessively to make myself feel guilty-er for not doing anything with my life by putting my sad, lazy life in the semi-public eye of people who bothered to watch my story on Instagram.
Somehow, after about three days, it worked. I hated having nothing to show for my days. Just mooching off my parent’s kindness and living for free and being sad. Not doing anything to find my way out of this hole I’d curled myself up in. I began to study. Went to the library daily for about a week. Not a lot of studying, just a few hours, but it was the spark I needed. It didn’t take long to get sad again.
Watching Myself Throw it All Away…
Didn’t feel like going out to the library anymore. Holed myself up in my room. Didn’t want to interact with anyone. Just ashamed of myself and how I was reacting to this renewed sadness. Stopped posting on Instagram. Wallowed for about five terrifying days. Then, I was very behind on my study schedule. I’d abandoned exercise and meal planning pretty much since I’d started studying. By this third week, it was gone. I’d been learning to play piano and guitar to de-stress. Quit that too.
It was truly scary to watch myself frozen. Feeling as if I could only wait and hope I’d decide to try, instead of give up on studying for the exam that would decide the next few months of my life. Becoming certified and having a career to start to pursue in the new year or fail and have to force myself to do this whole self torture again in February (when I’d be eligible to take the exam again). I read something that convinced me to fail trying, but to actually try, no matter how much that was going to hurt when I failed after giving it my best effort with the little time I had left.
…Until I Dug it Out of the Trash
It was about 8 or 10 days before the exam when I began to study in earnest. My mom had given me the money to buy an exam prep course. She also gave me the money to pay for taking the actual exam. Both my parents gave me everything I could have ever needed to get to where I was. At a crossroads, but one step away from the likelihood of a semi stable career. Just an exam left as the final obstacle. I had to try. There was no way I was going to try for myself. So, I did it for them.
It’s not healthy, I know. But after alternating between two or so days of studying all day, maybe 12 or so hours (because I was still sad and compensated by sleeping more than I should have) then terrifying days off when I feared I wouldn’t be able to start studying again… it was worth it. I spent Christmas morning studying in order to free up three or four hours to spend with my family making tamales and visiting my best friend Lyza for a bit. Then, once everyone else in my household was asleep waiting for Santa Claus, I studied just a bit more. My exam was the day after Christmas and I passed.
It was unbelievable! I thought it was a cruel joke at first. But no. Thank goodness and thank you to everyone who prayed for me. The universe wants me on this path for a reason. It must be important, because it hasn’t been easy to get to the point where I can finally call myself a Registered Dietitian Nutritionist. And a good thing too, because the same day I passed my exam, no more than an hour later, Mariah drove into town. I’d planned a week-long trip immediately after my exam to be able to either mourn my failure or celebrate my success with university friends in West Texas. (And of course, blatant motivation/ guilt factor to motivate myself to try to pass the darn thing.)
That weekend I spent time catching up with Sherri and admitting I kicked myself daily for a full two months about passing up the opportunity to move in with her back in July, but glad the end result was me passing that exam. (…though I still regret it and think I would have been better off with her at this point. Oh well… too little, too late.) It was a lot of girl time alongside with Mariah, something I’d majorly lacked over the past 6 months sad and alone in my parent’s house.
However, by Sunday night it was time for Sherri to spend some time with her family, so while she went out of town, I went to crash at Mariah and her fiance, Richard’s house. The next weekly blog will pick up on that first morning with the two of them and all of the eventful things that have since happened in the brief five days of the new year that week. So much. It’s crazy how this new year has been so eventful already!
- Blog post picture is of my actual study plan during the last four days. My exam was on the Thursday that final sticky note was referring to.
- Also, my new profile picture of me in the blue plaid and messy hair is me in the middle of a mental breakdown during that week where I was just frozen hoping I’d choose to keep fighting to study and pass my exam. Felt raw and real. I like it. *shrug