The ironic thing is that I didn’t have secrets back then. I was talking more about keeping secret the fact that I felt sad most of the time and didn’t like to tell other people because I didn’t want to bring the mood down.
The Secrets I Keep
So many cuts on fingers and toes
There is no one who knows
Just like those shows
outside wearing bows
inside reaching new lows
Why have foes?
When your flaws stand in rows?
Replaced only by woes
Gathering scraps, she sews
No one will ever know.
Picture is from Pexel’s Free Photo Library. I liked it because of the expressions “saving face” and “hiding your true self”.
Wow! I had such a positive reaction to the new format from last week’s two week post. I’m going to try that again. I’d just been doing paragraphs because that’s just how I’ve been doing weekly posts since I started this blog, but I do like the bullet points better. It’s easier to write even if I don’t write every single day. And it’s more accomplishment oriented. Something you guys know I love. 😅 I may even go back and add photos from my Instagram stories… 🤔 I post there pretty regularly. Yeah, I think I’ll try that this week too. 🙂
Anyway, let’s do this!
Sunday, Feb 2nd
I assembled an armoire
Haha, I know this is from the week prior, but I’d already written the previous post before I did this on Sunday night. I thought I’d finished being productive for the week. 😬 I’m just so proud because I’d never assembled anything like this before and it looks like I did it right!
Monday, Feb. 3rd
Applied for another hospital job
This one is not a full time position, but it is in an area that interests me a lot, so I’d be thrilled to work at this hospital.
Messed up my hip
I felt my femur move out of place when I was laying in bed, but when I woke up it was perfectly fine again. Then I tried to get out of my chair after breakfast and I could barely hobble away to my room. It fixed itself later and this happens fairly often, but it is so annoying!
Yes, I know it’s February. Just go with me on this! I usually don’t set New Year’s Resolutions. Don’t get me wrong. It’s my favorite holiday! I love the attitude and the positive hope that surrounds the celebration of another year of life completed and the next to come.
The thing is, I am one of those people who believe it’s always time to seek self improvement. And somehow, most of the times I’ve started a lofty goal it’s been at random times during the year (I learned to paint in spring, make balloon animals in summer, and started a weight loss regime in the fall). Hardly ever have I done anything productive right at the start of a new year. I’ve actually made bigger changes after Halloween and before Thanksgiving, like the time I became vegetarian! Yep! Right before Thanksgiving. That was an interesting holiday season, haha.
Or as I like to call it: The Last Poem Pining for that Boy. Like I said in my last poem. I stand with the message of my poems, but I don’t feel this way anymore. Yes, I wrote it pretty recently, but since then a last straw moment happened and it’s all I needed to let these feelings go. We can be friends because I want absolutely nothing more than that, but I’m done putting in effort to be told to back off. I’m done.
Yeah, it happened again. I was really sad. I skipped a week and almost another of blogging. Yep. It’s going to keep happening. But I’ve decided to do a joint recap instead of try to piece together whatever that mess was. Here’s the important bits:
Week of January 20th 2020
I found out I’d lost a pound of weight since the week prior.
I hadn’t really done anything to make that happen except being more conscious of my snacking and not being excessive with that.
I applied for a job at a hospital.
I’ve been really mentally blocked for a long time and just can’t bring myself to move forward in my life. Now I finally have my dietetic license and can apply for jobs in my career, but my heart hasn’t been in it. I’m so tired of being rejected. (Not from jobs per se, but in general. Especially since my internship, but also in recent personal matters.) Axyl gave me the real-talk chat I needed and I mustered up the energy to apply for one job. Still waiting on word from that hospital.
I replied to a health food company.
This company seemed interesting and though they reached out to me to work for them as a cashier (well below my abilities now that I am licensed) I genuinely wanted to learn more about the company and network. I decided to meet with the CEO/ founder later in the week.
I met a guitarist in my piano class.
He didn’t have his book, so I offered to share mine with him. We got to talking and it seems he’s also from a different discipline like me. Because of his experience with guitar and my experience with singing, we both know the very basics of music like notes and rhythm and such, so the class went pretty slow and we spent a lot of it chit chatting.
I didn’t go to the gym most of or the whole week.
I can’t really tell from my bullet points from last week. I think I didn’t go a single day…
I met with the founder of the health food company.
He was not like I expected. Very stereotypical. I won’t even go into detail. Let’s just say, I’m glad I’m not working for him.
I got really sad because of that meeting. Vented to a friend. Had a fallout with said friend.
Tears in my cereal the next day. I’m not even joking about that. : ( Axyl gave me a pep talk and I felt better. I decided to let that relationship go. At least the way I was going about it. Why put in effort to be told to back off?
Week of January 27th 2020
Found out I’d gained 5 pounds in the last week.
Officially obese category II (BMI 35). New highest weight I’ve ever been.
That’s what being very sad and giving in to emotional eating will do to ya.
Opening up more in sign language class.
It’s easier now that there’s only like 10 students instead of 30 last semester. I think I surprised my professor since he and the rest the class are used to seeing me as the quiet, smart kid. That’s the way I usually present myself in most places. A lot of people don’t get to see my dark, funny side. Ha, this class won’t know what’s coming!
Getting bored in piano class.
It’s very much a beginning piano class and apart from some much needed practice sight reading. It seems I know the basics. Didn’t even feel like chatting with the guitarist.
Decided to start eating healthier one step at a time instead of trying to do everything “perfectly”
I know how complicated nutrition can be, but I also know how simple it can be too. I decided it doesn’t matter what I think about myself or how scared I am to be skinnier. This has gotten out of hand and I can’t keep putting it off and gaining 5 more pounds every time I get knocked down by life. There’s not next week, or starting Monday, or maybe if I feel like it. It’s now. It’s starting simple and building on it. It’s slow, but steady. It’s Wednesday. I started eating healthier on a Wednesday. I decided to start with the most basic thing. I know there are more than two dozen essential vitamins and minerals, but take it one thing at a time. For it to be a lifestyle and not a diet it has to be maintainable. Start with what you know you can do and that you can do consistently. So I did.
Maybe I’ll write a more detailed post just about this later. Or maybe not. I’m not trying to influence anyone into following what I’m doing for a healthier lifestyle. That’s different for everyone. Maybe it will help some, maybe it will hinder others. I’ll think about it.
First aerial silks class
We are in pairs for the class. My partner seems very nice and super extroverted. She made the class so much fun, even though I only successfully was able to do one of about 5 moves we were taught and it was basically hanging upside down. 🙈 I wasn’t able to climb the silk or do a pull through. (My arms are dying. >.< I need to build some upper body strength!)
Went to the gym for the first time in about 2 weeks.
I took my brother with me before sign language class and he also did a bit of exercise. That was cool! I used the stationary bikes. Why this gym positioned the spin bikes right in the middle of all of the weight machines (read: with my butt directly in front of a couple of guys), I have no idea. It was awkward, but I still got a short bike session in before class.
Went swimming for the first time in about 3 weeks. 😬
I almost didn’t go because my mom and brother didn’t want to swim. (They said it was too cold and they would rather do some other form of cardio.) But, I did my swim session without them and it felt refreshingly nice to just concentrate on myself. (Usually, I keep an eye on my mom and brother because they aren’t the strongest swimmers.)
Cousin’s birthday party!
Cousins invited me to join them for some bowling. 🙂 It was so much fun! I hadn’t seen all of them in a very long time, but they were very welcoming. I’m so glad I was able to go. (Even though I suck at bowling, haha!)
Last poem about someone I’m over. Just want to post it because it was something that hurt me deeply and I felt strongly about and now I don’t. I’m all about transformation and letting go of that is definitely a positive change in my life.
We’ll see how maintainable this healthier lifestyle really is. It’s been 4 days and it feels great. Hopefully I can say that after a full week. Otherwise, I’ll have to tweak it and make it more manageable.
Will I muster up the courage to apply for more jobs? I hope so…
Picture is of my crappy little mountain bike that I’ve outfitted for future triathlons and indoor training. It’s not much, but it’s all I need. Such is life. I make do.