Posted in My Life Now, Texas- Living with Parents

I’m Moving: just me trying to convince myself this is the right choice

I’m somewhat impressed with myself… I thought I hadn’t written for this blog in about two or three weeks, but it’s only been one week! 😅

Let’s talk about that big post from last week. The one about finding my home. It’s not here with my parents. I knew I would not be happy here, but I came back due to a sense of obligation and now I find myself miserable and apart from a (so far) useless dietetic license, I’m exactly where I started when I moved back in: unemployed and stagnate.

Quick side note: I did finally land a small job until I am (hopefully) chosen for a dietetic position, but the place closed due to the coronavirus two days before I was supposed to start. So, although I have been told I am going to be hired I’m stuck in the hiring process until the place opens again. So…. yep. Still unemployed.


Feeling Stifled at Home and Searching for Freedom

Yes, having (almost) a job is progress and the week I came back from Mariah’s wedding I started going out more. For the first time since coming to live with my parents, I was finally putting myself first, but despite that I feel stuck. I feel restricted. I don’t feel free. Which, I understand, there’s only a certain amount of liberty I can obtain, but I assure you this isn’t it. Even though I’ve had my moments with both of my parents that have driven me to want to move far away from them, I love them.

It hurts because I care about them, but I don’t feel like I’m doing either them or myself any favors by living in the same household. I don’t clean the house, I don’t bring home money, heck, after each subsequent situation with each of my parents I haven’t even made much conversation with them. I want to be alone. I didn’t speak my mind before. I didn’t want for almost anything. I remember asking for two things in my life: a trampoline and a game for the Wii. Otherwise, it was always whatever my parents thought best. What an idiot I’d been.

Continue reading “I’m Moving: just me trying to convince myself this is the right choice”

Posted in New Year's Resolution Progress

New Year’s Resolutions for 2020 – Progress as of March 8th

February Update

  • Lose enough weight to be classified as overweight at a BMI of 24.9 or less (weight loss of about 30 pounds)
    • Overall: 
      • Better than January, but that’s not saying much.
      • 5 pounds down from starting weight
    • February
      • Lost weight to achieve a BMI of 34.4 (obese category I) by February 4th
      • Stayed pretty much stable the following week at a BMI of 34.5 by Feb. 10th
      • Gained a pound to a BMI of 34.7 by Feb. 17th
      • Lost that pound. Back to starting weight in February by March 2nd (BMI 34.4)
    • January
      • Gained weight to my highest BMI of 35.2 (obese category II)


  • Get a job as a dietitian (preferably a clinical dietitian)
    • Overall: 
      • I’ve applied to a lot of places and have either been outright rejected or ghosted.
    • February
      • Applied to three PRN clinical dietitian positions (February 3rd and 4th)
      • Applied to 5 full time, 1 part time and 2 on call dietitian positions on February 25th Rejected by 2 thus far and no reply from the rest as of yet.
    • January
      • Finished new licensure requirements such as payment and continuing education planning
      • Applied to one full time clinical dietitian position


  • Complete an Olympic distance triathlon
    • Overall: 
      • My heart isn’t in this, but I have my first outdoor triathlon in a week as of posting this update.
    • February
      • Nothing, very sporadic training. :< 
    • January
      • Completed an indoor triathlon
      • Signed up for a super sprint triathlon in March
      • Bought bike accessories (bike computer, trainer, and aero bars)


  • Complete a 5k in less than 35 minutes (~11 minute mile or 5.5mph pace)
    • Overall: 
      • I started running and training again after the 5k, and with a lot of, frankly, shit going on in my life at the moment this may be more sustainable than doing triathlons…
    • February
      • Feb. 4th signed up for a 5k later in February
      • Completed 5k in 44 minutes and 18 seconds according to the chip. 14:12 minute mile or so
      • Signed up for a 5k in April
    • January
      • Nothing…


  • Re-learn how to play This is Gospel by Panic! at the Disco on the piano and get to level 9 on the Yousician Piano app*
    • Overall: 
      • I feel like I learned little, if anything from the class I took and actually, I practice much less than I did before I began taking it. I think I haven’t practiced more than once a week for like a month at this point. 😦
    • February
      • Got to Level 7 on Classical and Pop lessons on Yousician.
      • Finished beginning piano class
    • January
      • Started this goal at level 6 on Yousician
      • Started a beginning piano class


  • Decide when and where and for what to go to graduate school for
    • Overall: 
      • There are bigger concerns at the moment. Mainly housing decisions and job hunting.
    • February
      • Nothing :/
    • January
      • Nothing…


  • Pay off at least 1/3 of my undergraduate student loans
    • Overall: 
      • I’ve applied to many positions, and have been ghosted from most. Hopefully this interview coming up goes well…
    • February
      • Feb. 3rd, applied for an hourly position
      • Feb. 19, applied for 5 hourly positions
      • Feb. 23rd got an email with additional questions to answer before deciding if they want me to come in for an interview. They did not. Rejected from a cashiering job (I have 3 years of cashiering experience).
      • March 7th got a call to go for an interview on March 16th
    • January
      • Nothing… still unemployed


  • Volunteer at least once a month
    • Overall: 
      • I mentally resigned myself to being jobless for the foreseeable future seeing how I haven’t been chosen for even a minimum wage job, so I recently began signing up for a volunteer event each week.
    • February
      • Feb. 3rd signed up to volunteer with a food bank
      • Feb. 6th, volunteered at the food bank sorting cans
      • Feb. 26th volunteered with the food bank distributing food at a community center
      • March 6th volunteered at the food bank receiving donations
    • January
      • Nothing…


  • Go on a fun outing at least once a month (with others or alone)
    • Overall: 
      • I had to add a section for March already, since I’ve been making an effort to enjoy myself more. It’s amazing what putting yourself first will do!
    • March
      •  March 1st Went to the movie theater by myself and saw Jojo Rabbit
      • March 3rd Got breakfast with my brother, then went to the movies with him and saw Parasite
      • March 6th Went to visit cousin Yvette and got to meet her two year old daughter and see her son
      • March 6th Had a painting and wine/ read with my honorary niece (Allie) night with Lyza and Sophia
    • February
      • Feb. 1st- Cousin’s birthday bowling 🙂
      • Feb. 14 to 16th, trip to visit Mariah for her bridal shower
      • Feb. 21 Ice cream with Lyza, Sophia, and Alli
      • Feb. 14-16th Trip to celebrate Mariah’s bachelorette party got to meet most of her family and some of Richard’s family
      • Feb. 28 to March 1st, Trip to celebrate Mariah and Richard’s wedding, got to hang out with Sherry and Dellewood 🙂
    • January
      • Until the 2nd- trip to West Texas with Mariah to visit Sherri and Richard
      • 18th- Coffee with Sydney


  • Write at least four posts a month on this blog
    • Overall: 
      • I wasn’t haven’t been motivated to write. I don’t have new poems, I don’t like my day to day which means I don’t want to sit down and write about it and I’m just sad.
    • February
      • Five posts, rather sporadic… I started well :/
      • February 2020 posts
    • January
      • About 2 posts per week. Nice! 😀
      • img_20200204_170747842


  • Read at least one new book per month
    • Overall: 
      • I promise you I would not have started reading either of those books had it not been for this resolution. I started each of them at the beginning of the month so that I could finish them before the end of it. X) It’s just not a craving like it used to be. :<
    • February
      • I’m Fine and Other Lies… by Whitney Cummings
      • March Started Reading Beautiful Boy by David Sheff
    • January
      • None… (I’m re-reading Matched by Ally Condie with my mom 😬)


I just hope I’m happier next month. 😦





  • I changed my goal for Yousician from my original goal of level 11 to level 9, because I checked after I’d written the goal and this music learning app only goes up to level 9 on piano.
  • Picture from Pexel’s free photo library
Posted in My Life Now, Texas- Living with Parents, Thoughts and the Past

Where is My Home? [with Audio]


I don’t think I’ll ever be happy and I don’t think I’ll ever stop starting a post with that announcement. When I sit down to write and don’t come with a topic in mind, that’s where my mind goes. For whatever reason, in whatever environment I am in, I am not happy. It’s been years, so I don’t think I ever will be truly happy. Comfortable. I’d settle for comfortable.

I don’t think I’ve ever been completely comfortable in any place I’ve lived. I know it’s a delusion to think or hope that I ever will be. The world isn’t black and white. But… more? I want more? I want better? And I know I can achieve that. I don’t know if I deserve it, but I know it’s out there. It always is.

So when can I stop? When will it be enough? And when I get there, how will I know?
This sounds like an epic intro for a deeply poetic reflective piece. But it is not. It’s just going to be me complaining about my housing experiences. So, I (mostly) lived with my parents all my life until I left for university at almost 19. Life at home was great as a kid and stifling as a teenager. For the usual reasons and some unusual reasons. For a few months I lived with family or friends (about three or four different families) and I just wanted to go back home. I didn’t care that I’d be alone at home and I was ten years old. I wanted that.

When I did get to live at home by myself, I liked it. I still got super excited to tell my mom all about my day when she got home late at night, but I did well by myself during the solitary evenings. Sadly, that’s probably been one of my favorite housing situations. Top three for sure. :/

Other than that, it’s just been me living with my brother and parents. It was suffocating as a teen, but most of it didn’t have to be that way. I could have fought back, rebelled, changed my life for the better. But I didn’t. I didn’t go out. I didn’t invite over my two or three friends I had during these years. It was a stifling lonely-in-a-crowd feeling.




Now, I wrote that amazing intro in the summer of 2019. It’s now a couple weeks from spring in 2020. I didn’t finish writing it because I think I didn’t want to deal with such a heavy question at the time. I had pretty much finished my first stint into education after a bachelor’s degree and an internship. I was ready to slow down. Or so I thought. Now I’m starting to realize that I can’t. For me, it’s either stop or go. There’s no in between. I used to think, and I still did when I wrote the prior section, that it was equally my fault and my parents’ fault that I didn’t enjoy my teenage years living under their roof. Maybe it’s the fact that my mother’s friend just condemned me to God’s wrath for being a rude and disrespectful daughter to my mother, but I don’t believe my unhappy teenage years are equally my and my parents’ faults. I do think there’s more I could have done. I could have rebelled and done what I wanted to, like I said above, but how was I supposed to know that the good outweighed the bad?

Continue reading “Where is My Home? [with Audio]”