Posted in My Life Now, Texas- Living with Parents

“So You Know”, I made a YouTube channel!

Yeah, that’s the name of my YouTube channel. 😅 “So You Know” Maybe it’s lackluster, but it just made sense to me. My channel is a vlog channel that I want to use to tell my day to day experiences. Plus, I’m a little bit of a grammar nerd. I love the importance of the comma in that phrase. “So you know”… at the beginning of my videos sets up the stories my days will tell in the vlog while “So, you know” concludes them since by watching the vlog you now know a little more about my life. 🙂

….I know it’s lame, haha. I just want to have a place where I can share my life in video format and I didn’t want a super obvious or cheesy channel name about my life, my story, or my journey.

I don’t have much experience making videos, but then again, I didn’t have any experience blogging when I started this site two years ago. While I’m not a blog superstar, it’s done better than I could have hoped. I never thought anyone would bother reading my words, let alone relating or enjoying them as I feel happens when I get likes or comments on my posts. I’m hoping the same will be true of my YouTube channel. I go into that experience not expecting much response.

From Blogging to Vlogging

I’m thinking it’ll be boring vlogs that only my family or close friends watch ….maybe. As I write this, the only thing on my channel is an intro video and my two vlogs. I don’t think either is a memorable work of art. The real value in this venture is how cathartic it can be. Maybe writing isn’t that for me anymore. Maybe I get in my own way too much for it to be my outlet anymore. I remember the summer after I graduated university, it was this blog that kept me sane. I planned my day around writing and editing and translating posts.

Now, my weekly schedule is filled with shooting, editing, and subtitling videos. I am still feeling incredibly lost in life and what I want to do with it. No amount of self pep talks and strict self guidelines have helped me to want to wake up every morning. Some days I can do the bare minimum, but other days, like today, the accomplishment is getting through the day without my family seeing the tears well up in my eyes. I woke up today and just the thought of my day ahead forced me back to sleep.

When I woke up much later in the afternoon, I just wanted to stay in bed. I did, actually, for another hour. I was so mad at myself for not getting up earlier. I had stayed up until 5am making plans and getting excited about life again and all I wanted to achieve. Less than 12 hours later though, at 3pm when I awoke, I was in irrational tears trying to convince myself to get out of bed. I’m so tired of living like this.

I Feel Stuck but Don’t Want to Take the Conventional Fix

I know I could make a change. I know, it’s difficult for me self regulate and stay motivated without external factors. I’m at a point where unless I have a push or a pull, some sort of inertia, I can’t create that for myself. I know that if I were to go to school or get a job, I’d do well. Excellent, even, depending on what it was. But, I feel so sad and empty where I am that I don’t think I can change that by myself.

I know it’s not conventional, but I can’t afford conventional (therapy). And I’m so scared to get a job just for the sake of it for two big reasons. The first being that I don’t want to find myself at that same job I have no interest or passion for years later just because I need a salary. The second reason being that I am scared to be more exposed to this virus because of my family- particularly my brother. He is so scared and with good reason. He’s gone through so much, medically. I don’t want to be the reason he gets sick…for the last time…

YouTube, my Longtime Dream…but, being realistic

Morbid thought, I know. Have I gotten off topic as usual? Perhaps. But, not completely. It’s a crazy dream, but I want to give YouTube a shot. When I started this blog I only briefly thought about monetizing it. However, I didn’t believe my writing would be good enough to warrant that….plus I don’t love the idea of ads and bringing that into my space of creativity. I’m still not 100% comfortable with that on YouTube, but it seems like a more natural place for that than here. That’s a ways away though, so I have time to decide.

That’s my crazy dream. I would love to make YouTube my full time job. I am not betting everything on this, but I do want to give this a try. Maybe I end of hating it or feeling like it’s too much, or I find a dream job outside of YouTube or I just give up on the channel and I settle for any old job. I don’t know what will happen, but I want to have this experience.

I am very insecure about my editing and content at the moment. I started recording with the thought that it would be a health and wellness channel, but then I decided to go more broad. I feel like it is kind of awkward and boring… But then again, I never thought anyone other than my roommate would ever read this blog… yet, here you are.

It warms my heart and makes me believe that the YouTube channel could be moderately successful as well. Really, any comment or views that are not from family or friends would make me feel overjoyed… And, I know if YouTube ever becomes more than a hobby, that will take time- years, more than likely. (Enough time for me to get better at editing and recording and hosting my channel, thank goodness.)

Subscribe to my YouTube Channel “So You Know

Having said allllll that, I invite you to subscribe to my YouTube channel. If you have followed my blog for any length of time, you know how I am. Admirable traits, character flaws and all. Maybe it’s not your cup of tea. That’s fine. But, if you want to sit through some raw footage and go on that journey with me, you are more than welcome to.

In the future, I am considering adapting content from this blog, but that will be much later in the future. As always, thank you for reading. It still means as much now as when I started writing here two years ago.

“So You Know”, I made a YouTube channel! Yeah, that’s the lame name of my YouTube channel. Check out my blog post explaining this change in medium or follow this link to see my intro video:
https://youtu.be/E-rTDCVU29M

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