I Wasn’t Always Mute – Personal Poetry Collection

I wrote this as I waited to be reprimanded by the director of my nutrition internship. This whole internship/education thing seemed useless. I felt jaded and incredibly small. I felt dispensable and like a cog in the horribly flawed machine of life. Helpless. That’s how I felt.

October 26, 2018

I Wasn’t Always Mute

My life choices have brought me here,

dreams and hopes so shimmery sheer.

 

Nothing makes sense.

My jaw is tense.

I’m on the fence.

 

Why am I here?

I wanted adventure, excitement.

Now I just repent

that I let myself be sent,

let myself be bent.

Don’t know if I broke…

 

If so, this is a joke!

I’m just some ruined bloke.

Who fought and spit,

but never spoke.

 

That’s all I’ve become:

a spoke.

Instead of a speak.

Week of March 11th 2019- Cardiovascular Hospital (Thoughts on Organ Transplants and Bingeing)

Man, keeping up with this blog is getting difficult. :< Here’s a recap of the week.

 

Monday, March 11th- First Day at the Cardiovascular Hospital

I was about 10 minutes late to my first day at the cardiovascular hospital. I never liked my clinical rotations. Working at a hospital is boring and depressing. People are sick/dying and most of them don’t care for a dietitian’s help. Most of them just ended up asking where I’m from because of my accent. It’s like, FOCUS! Geez! You are in a hospital. Let me help you! Gosh.

At this hospital since it’s specialized in heart diseases it was a bit easier. Pretty much every diet was low sodium and it was a lot easier to talk to people. Not a bad day.

 

Tuesday, March 12th- Different Dietitian’s Processes

The dietitian the previous day was very boom, boom, boom, trying to get through her patient list quickly. It’s crazy. They can get up to 30 new patients in a day and are responsible for evaluating all of them. Before this hospital I’d evaluated no more than 4 patients in a day. Here we did about 6 each just before noon. It was crazy but cool.

The second dietitian (the one that would evaluate Gia and I) was a bit different. She was fast, but took it a bit more calm. She’d take about 75% of the patients and give me the other 25% so that we’d finish at the same time and would then chat with me. It’s so weird. The clinical preceptors I’d had were not at all personable. Or maybe I wasn’t as open to it back then. Maybe! HA! I know I wasn’t.

 

Wednesday, March 13th- A Word on Organ Transplants

I saw more patients today. Blah. So I’ll tell y’all one more thing about yesterday. I got to see an outpatient evaluation at the heart transplant clinic. It was interesting to see. Apparently in Puerto Rico, people have to get evaluated in several areas before being put on a transplant list. This includes medical, psychological, nutrition, and social work check ups. I know the U.S. requires something similar, but I don’t know exactly how that goes. It’s unfortunate to get hung up in the process, but I think it’s important because it’s only more suffering and, I daresay a waste, to grant someone a transplant who can’t maintain/ benefit from it.

It’s harsh, but if a person gets a transplant but doesn’t have the physical capacity to heal from the surgery (medical), can’t afford to pay for the necessary medications to maintain it (social work), doesn’t stick to a healthy diet to keep the organ functioning properly (nutrition), or commits suicide (psychology), the transplant wasn’t worth it and the organ should have gone to someone who would have been able to maintain it. It’s tough, but true.

 

Thursday, March 14th- Free Day, Yay? Try not to Binge, Guys. It’s No Fun.

No rotation today! There was a meeting or something, so we didn’t have to come in. Haa… that was kind of awful. I’m so un-self motivated. I spent the whole day pacing my apartment and cooking. Which, of course, meant eating. Sometimes when I’m stressed I just want to eat. It helps distract me from whatever it is I’m stressing about. And, as an added boost, it punishes me afterward.

When I’m feeling particularly down I’ll eat until I feel like throwing up. I really hate throwing up, so I just have to sit with the uncomfortably full feeling until it passes. If the stress is bad enough, I’ll still feel the urge to keep eating. So I’ll be on the brink of throwing up and still eating. The suffering will feel right. Like I deserve to feel bad on top of all the stress. It’s messed up.

So I ate all day then ordered pizza and wings to eat late at night. My roommate got a job and is thus not in the apartment a lot so… now I have the liberty to do this stupid stuff again. Ugh. Gosh.

 

Friday, March 15th- Last Day at the Cardiovascular Hospital

Today I got to meet a couple of nursing students who came to the dietitian I was with to learn about the basics of a low sodium diet. It was fun. I wanted to take them by the arm and teach them everything I know. D: I want to be a professor so bad!

Ah, and since it was the last day all the rotation’s assignments were due today. I had a free day yesterday. What did I do? Wait until 1 am to start working on everything? Yes. Yes, that’s what my stupid face decided to do. -____- Gosh. So, today I took a nap as soon as I got back to my apartment. Didn’t do much before going to sleep for the night either.

 

Saturday, March 16th- Procrastinating as per usual

Still wasting my life away. That’s what I say when someone asks me what I’m doing and I’m procrastinating. Augh. Next week is the first of two weeks of my renal rotation. I’m not looking forward to it. It’s clinical and the most complex of them. Of course I woke up at a bright and early noon today. :/ Didn’t want to be awake. And I’ve been procrastinating today. Honestly, I’m just happy to have gotten this post written. I’ve had days where I can’t even motivate myself to write for my blog, so this is good.

The next two weeks are going to be incredibly trying, but I’ll try to keep up here.

 

Sunday, March 17th- Car Renal Madness

I thought the week was going to be over without any major events. HA. That couldn’t be my life. No, instead, Gia and I went to pick up our rental car for our out of town rotations to begin on Monday and were going to be charged almost double. We said, no thank you and looked for other options. We went down a street with several other car rental places and they all either said they didn’t have any more cars available for the day or they charged us more than $300 (for four days, mind you!!).

Ugh. It was a nightmare. We were supposed to pick up the car at 7pm. I didn’t get back to my apartment until 11pm. This was after getting lost on the highway for a long time, of course. It was so dark, and ugh. I’m just glad it’s over. I hope tomorrow goes much more smoothly.

 

Coming Up Next Week!

  • First week of renal rotation in a different city. Stressful!
  • Nutrition conference on Friday.
  • That’s it. That’s more than enough. I’m going to avoid as many people as possible.
  • Hope I survive.

Should I Write About More Risqué Happenings in my Life?: A Personal Word on Explicit Topics

Original Strategy: Censor Everything

My strategy since I started using social media was to be completely censored. No swear words, no inappropriate photos (pretty much no photos of myself, even) and, of course, no sexual talk. Honestly it wasn’t a problem at first since I didn’t swear, hated getting photos taken of myself, and didn’t have a romantic life, much less a sexual one. With the passing years, each of these things have become a part of my life and I’ve adapted to that. I’ve eased up on it for my blog because my blog is small and feels like my little safe corner of the internet.

However, maybe one day it won’t be so small, or maybe it will, but a future employer, family member, or acquaintance will find it which will result in unfair judgement. After all, people get to know each other slowly. It’s usually not an open manuscript like on my blog. While I do have a lot of sensitive material on here (personal stories and insecurities), I have not broached the sexuality thing.

 

Current Censorship Thoughts on Swear Words, Pictures, and Sexuality

Swear words are fine. (Until the internet forces me to censor it.) Sorry if you have a problem with that. You have been warned. I have included a couple of pictures of myself on this blog. It’s still not something I feel comfortable doing all the time, but it’s not off the table. More risqué photos, well, we’re not like that, fam. Unless I get super fit and proud of my body, there’s no reason for it to happen anyway. But sexuality…

It’s definitely a new area in my life. I thought I would need to be super fit and proud of my body for that to even be a thing, but apparently not. And there’s nothing wrong with it! I don’t want to just censor everything that happens. It’s part of my life and it’s a fun topic. UGHHH. Really. It’s my family reading this stuff that worries me more than random strangers/employers awkwardly bringing anything “inappropriate” I write up in conversation.

 

My Main Concerns: My Parents and Internet Backlash

Not even most of my family. It’s my parents. I’d hate for them to find out about something I haven’t told them. Ever since my first (also my only) boyfriend I refuse to talk about romantic or sexual topics with them, so it’d be pretty much any story within these topics. UGHHHHH. But I don’t want to live in fear of what they will think or say. I’ve lived that to an extreme most of my life. It’s why I didn’t take a chance on my first real crush. That could have been beautiful and I do regret it.

No! But what’s the limit? After all, my blog is still a brand. What type of stories do I want to be known for? I firmly believe that one should not be afraid to be completely honest. If you wouldn’t want other people to find out about something, you likely shouldn’t do it in the first place. BUT! The internet is a topsy turvy place and people are all sensitive nowadays. BUT! I’m never going to make everyone happy nor do I want to waste the time or energy to try to do that. This is my blog. This is me. I’m going to be honest.

Yet! Not everything needs to be shared. I don’t tell y’all everytime I go to the bathroom or smile at a pigeon while walking down the street. If it seems like a fun story, I’ll share it. Otherwise, what’s the point? It’s not different than any other topic. I don’t believe in unnecessary censoring. (Watch the episode in season 4 of Black Mirror titled Arkangel for a much more eloquent argument about that.)

 

 

Speaking of well worded arguments against censoring, here’s a quote from an article I read recently on the topic.

Do not write for other people, second-guessing what “they” will like. That’s a sure path to mediocrity. If you’re going to fail, fail spectacularly. Jump off the building, not the stoop.

Johnny Shaw for Writer’s Digest “Why You Shouldn’t Censor Yourself When Writing

 

Embracing the Potential Consequences

Welp, I won’t say I’m not scared about the potential consequences/backlash, but I’m a masochist and I believe pain and controversy is necessary to learn and grow, so I’m going to do it! I’m going to talk to you guys about sexy times! XD It’s somewhat ridiculous that I had to give myself a pep talk to feel ready to do that. X) But really, life is short. How many slutty days do I have left? No one knows! Might as well get all that out of my system and into written word. The extra entertainment factor for y’all is just a plus!

 

The Saucier Side of My Most Romantic Date with Chance

Soooo, look forward to some saucier stories??? Haha, let’s see which one I want to tell first. Ah. I know how to start. Remember that post about the most romantic date I’d ever been on (my first date with Chance)? Specifically part 2? (Link here) Yeah, well when we had our first kiss, it did turn into multiple kisses. Not a ton of tongue, but definitely making out. And Chance wasn’t just holding my waist like an old fashioned sweetheart. No, his hand slid down a bit to fondle my ass. And I let him.

When we sat on the stairs, he pulled me into his lap and we continued making out as he continued to caress my behind and eventually found the hem of my shirt. I was a bit disconcerted, but I allowed it. When his big hands found my breast (woo!) did I start breathing a little heavier. That night wasn’t just shy and sweet and intellectual and personal. It was HOT. I’m sorry for censoring that part out. It’s part of my story and it adds something to it. Maybe I’ll write a post just adding in the sexy bits I’ve been erm… avoiding up until now. Or I’ll just not avoid them from now on. Not sure yet. I have a lot of stuff going on at the moment.

If you are wondering how the whole fondling moment ended that night, well, his other hand reached to go under my shirt. Maybe he was just trying to give my other breast some love, but I freaked thinking he was trying to pull up my shirt and I put my hand over his to get him to stop. He got the message and we continued kissing for a while before separating and him suggesting we get out of the stairwell before we went any further or did something we might regret. Something along those lines.

I just hoped for a kiss on the first date, but I have to say what actually happened was a pleasant surprise. WOO! This being honest thing is going to be fun! Also maybe hurtful depending on the reaction, but no matter!!!!

 

Comment Below!

Let me know your thoughts on this topic. Do you guys think it’s okay to swear, write about sexual activity, or other explicit topics? Would you/ do you write about these things in your own personal blog?

Also, did you guys expect the stuff with Chance on our first date? Or did y’all think it just ended with a couple kisses and some cuddles? X) Again, this is going to be fun! Welp, please comment below and look forward to the next post! 😀

Week of March 4th 2019- Non Profit for Community (Spicy Food with Chance and a Movie with Joseph)

Ha…Ha…Hi, guys…. Ahhh, soo, I’m half a week late posting this, so yepppp. Here’s the highlights of last week.

Monday, March 4th– Gia Bringing Up the Past

First day back at the non-profit. Or so I thought! Apparently, the dietitian had sent an email saying we weren’t supposed to show up today. She sent it to Gia who didn’t understand it that way. So, we showed up only to be sent away with homework. :p We were responsible about our assignments though. Gia and I headed to a fast food place to work on them. That seems to be our new thing (going to fast food places to study). Recently things have started to be great with Gia. So much so that I forgot why I ever distrusted her or keep reminding myself not to get too close again. Yeah, I got a glimpse of it this morning.

We were talking about how awful last semester was. Especially in my case since we were doing clinical rotations most of the time and had dozens of assignments from the internship itself and I was living with three strong personalities that made my living situation hell. Plus, you know adapting to a new country. She said, “Yeah, well even so, I don’t pity you. After how miserable you made me.” After a pause (because I was in shock and just kept quiet) she said, “But that’s in the past.” I wanted to say if that’s in the past, then why are you still bringing it up?!

It’s not like I tried to make her miserable. I didn’t bully her or anything. I was in a bad place and that radiated off me. Yes, I said mean things but when she needed me, I was there. Until I wasn’t. Until it wasn’t worth it anymore. And that’s not what she’s upset about. Ugh! This is why I can’t get close to her. She hasn’t forgiven me for last semester, and it seems she isn’t going to anytime soon. I thought she had. Things had been better, but once again I’m the fool.

 

Tuesday, March 5th– Axyl Bringing Up the Present

Yeah, I wrote that title, but not the content. Ha, not sure what this argument was about. Axyl and I have been getting into a lot of arguments lately. This was probably more of the same. Him saying I’ve changed ever since I started dating and saying I act bitchier than usual with him and don’t talk or hang out with him like I used to. Ugh. I’ve not had a lot of dating experience. I want to enjoy that. I live with Axyl. We can talk whenever. I’ll be in Puerto Rico for only a few more months now. I want to have fun!

 

Wednesday, March 6th– Spicy Food Challenge with Chance

Right! Can’t believe this was just a week ago. So, remember Chance and I had talked about having a spicy food competition? It was supposed to be this big thing, three course meal, but ha! Not exactly what happened. The star dishes ended up being Chance’s spicy BBQ sauce that he paired with pizza rolls X) and a sweet and spicy shrimp pasta that I made. :3 If you follow my Instagram, you saw that he tagged me on his post of the pictures he took of our dishes. That shoutout was cool!

Note: Due to the whole anonymity thing I have going on in my blog (all names of people in my life are pseudo names), I will not be posting those pictures here. If I did, since Chance took them and thus they belong to him, I’d have to credit him. Which would make him not so anonymous… He tagged me, not the other way around, so that was on him. Follow my instagram @mydragonflylife.blog to check that out. End of note. 

I won the not reaching for something to drink first, but Chance definitely won the endurance part of the challenge. I did not finish my plate of food. X) I’ve been craving more spicy food since!

 

Thursday, March 7th– Alone at the Rotation and Reading in the Park

Gia got sick this day and was sent home about an hour into the rotation. So, I was stuck doing nutrition evaluations to the non-profit members. Afterwards I just needed to be alone, so I spent most of the afternoon (until it got dark) at a table outside reading Girl, Interrupted. It’s my favorite movie and I finally got the book. Completely different, but so interesting to compare. 

 

Friday, March 8th– Last Day at the Non-profit

Ah, I didn’t write anymore titles. Uhh, welp, it was the last day of at the nonprofit. I remember I spent the whole day avoiding doing patient evaluations. I filed patient information most of the day. Other people, like the social workers, would recognize Gia and I as the people who were doing nutrition evaluations the other days and would try to hand us patient folders, but I simply refused to take it. Left her holding it out in between us and I just would not reach up to take it. XD It was kind of funny. And it worked!

 

Saturday, March 9th– Procrastination

I think I just procrastinated this day.

 

Sunday, March 10th– Movie with Joseph

Procrastinated some more. In the afternoon though, I had made plans to meet up with Joseph to watch my favorite movie. Like I’ve mentioned before, Joseph (one of the guys I met on the dating app I was on) is in the movie business and he knows his stuff. I felt he’d be able to properly appreciate my favorite movie (Girl, Interrupted). We planned to watch the movie at his place, but problem was he doesn’t have a DVD player. No problem, HDMI cable to connect my laptop to his TV and I have a disc player for my laptop. Yeahhh, my laptop doesn’t have an HDMI slot. X) Oops.

You know what was also missing? A couch. X) HA! His apartment is nicely decorated, but the last thing he still needed to purchase: a couch. I found it funny that he didn’t even think to mention it while we were making the plans for this day. He mentioned it once he was practically parking the car to go inside! Kind of smooth of him, since we ended up watching a movie on his bed instead. After browsing Netflix for a bit, I chose Silver Linings Playbook. It was an okay movie. I thought it was going in a bit more realistic direction, but it ended up being a feel good movie. The night ended up being a feel good night as well. …if you know what I mean. Ha, okay, not to that extent.

Really, I’ll have the talk with myself in these coming weeks to decide how explicit I want to be on my blog. I ended up writing a whole post on it even though I meant to just write a small note on it. Looks like I have Friday’s post ready! 😀

 

Coming up Next Week! ….AKA the week this was published (ahh, sorry for posting late!)

  • My penultimate clinical rotation!! At the Cardiovascular Hospital! Spoiler, not as bad as I expected!
  • A couple dates planned with Chance.
  • Uhhhh, yep that’s it. Another not so eventful week. :p

 

 

 

 

 

 

You are Going to Have to Figure this Out on Your Own – Personal Poetry Collection

Junior year in university when my first romantic relationship was going sour, I wrote this poem reminding myself that I mustn’t rely on anyone but myself. It still rings true today.

April, 5 2017

You are Going to Have to Figure this Out on Your Own

 

On my own,

There is nothing that I own.

 

This is nothing new.

Despite my might,

since I could think, I knew

I am no more than a mite.

 

No one will hear,

or see beyond first sight.

Nothing more for me than here.

Where my words no one will cite.

 

And that is right!

Of the night,

why would one write,

instead of a knight?

 

I am a single cell.

Nothing together to sew.

Nothing to sell

and no will to sow.

 

On my own,

I mourn

there is nothing that I own,

this or any morn’.

The Most Romantic Date I’ve Been On- My Date’s Perspective (Part 2 of 2)

And we are back! I finally wrote part two of my side of this night, so here’s Chance’s side. Enjoy! 🙂 (If you have not read Part 1 of our first date click here for my perspective on it or click here for Chance’s perspective on the first half of our first date. I highly recommend starting with part one to get a gist of the story. Whoever’s perspective suits your fancy. :D) Alright, here’s Chance:

 

Waiting Out the Rain in a Parking Garage

We got to cover and there was woman waiting out the rain with us. We continued talking. Nothing specific from what I remember. Just that we both liked anime, movies, that sort of thing but we never got too specific other than the movie genres we like. We noticed some stairs and Laura decided that it would be a nice little adventure to see where they went. I thought “sure why not, seems like a romantic enough idea”. The stairs were part of a parking lot. It was big and had multiple floors. As we began exploring, Laura told me about one of her previous adventures in what seemed to be a haunted building.

Not really knowing where we were going we just kept walking and talking until we heard people having what seemed like a good time; they were screaming and yelling. There was a flight of stairs that lead to the floor above us; it was orange with green metal handles. We got to the top of the stairs. There was a gate there, closed. They closed at 7:00pm according to a sign that was hanging on the gate. The gate led directly to a restaurant pub thing. 

 

The Kiss

We had no choice but to go back and return from where we came. We started walking down the stairs. Right when we got half-way down, I stopped and asked her to stop for a moment too. Remember, this was our first date ever. We had officially met a few hours ago, but I felt like the chemistry was good and we were both having a good time. I had never done something like this. Not on a first date, but I decided that I wanted to take a chance and ask her a question. I was ready for her to say no or to simply change the subject again. I wasn’t really thinking about the result; I just went for it. There we were, standing face to face, both wet from the rain and sweaty from walking through that parking lot, in the middle of a flight of stairs. From what I could see, she was comfortable and relaxed. So, I asked her:

 

“Can I kiss you?”

 

“I thought you’d never ask.”

 

 

And like that, we had our first kiss. It went on for while. We had time and she really seemed like she enjoyed kissing me. I know I enjoyed kissing her. After a while, we got up and started walking again.

 

Final Moments

It was getting late and I had to take her home soon, but before that we got in my car and rode for a few minutes, then parked near the ocean. We got out and just talked about our sense of humor, the view, and old memories we had. We hugged and kissed and admired the beautiful view. After a while a security guard started looking at us kind of funny so we decided to leave. We went to Mcdonalds and then I took her to her apartment. Before I left we ate. It was like a little park square thing. I don’t really know what to call it, but it’s really small and has some benches, some trees, light post and what not. It’s a really comfy, relaxing little spot. When we finished eating we said goodbye and I went home.

 

It was honestly the best first date I’ve ever had. It felt like I was in a movie.

 

I hope you enjoyed Chance’s perspective of the last half of our first date. If you are interested in reading my side of things, click here. Other than that, come back on Mondays for my weekly blog where I write about my day to day life which (spoiler) includes Chance every now and again. 😀

The Most Romantic Date I’ve Been On- Meeting Chance for the First Time (Part 2 of 2)

Welcome back! At long last, I found the inspiration to do the final half of this night justice. If you haven’t read part one, I recommend you click here to read my perspective or click here to read my date’s perspective. Either way, it’d be good to read the first half (in whichever perspective you prefer) to have context into this post. Thanks for making it to part two and enjoy! 🙂

 

Waiting Out the Rain in a Parking Garage

Where were we? Oh, yes. The rain. The drops of rain slick on both our faces. Chance removing his glasses to reveal soft, kind, caring eyes. Us walking calmly and unrushed to shelter from the rain. Once we reached the end of the path leading away from the castle, it was a short walk to the nearest roof. The first space we found was tucked beside a plaza and in it was an elevator and a young woman, also waiting out the rain. We walked past her who didn’t seem to notice us as she was too busy leaning against the wall and gazing out the entrance at the drizzling rain.

There wasn’t much else in this little space. The woman at the entrance, and elevator inside to the right, and a few steps beyond that, also slightly to the right, was a set of stairs. Naturally, Chance and I settled to our left against the only wall not occupied by any objects or other person. There we came upon the topic of movies. I asked what his favorite genre was expecting to hear action or horror as most guys and friends of mine had responded before him.

 

An Anecdote on Movies of the Drama Genre

Instead he surprised me with “drama”. “Drama?! Did you say drama??” I asked trying to catch my breath. Had I heard correctly? Had he just said my favorite movie genre, the genre all my college friends had groaned about whenever I tried, unsuccessfully, to suggest a movie for us to watch and that indubitably did not get any votes when it came down to making a decision or if it did by some miraculous circumstance get chosen, it ended up being a drag in everyone’s eyes except mine which were glued to the screen through every 20 minute monologue.

“Yeah, drama is my favorite movie genre.”, he confirmed. I was beside myself! Who sent this man to me? I don’t know why this means so much to me. Maybe it’s because my friends were so against it. And my family, especially my dad. My dad would say there was too much talking and it was boring. My friends echoed these thoughts. They craved explosions and high energy scenes. I saw those things as artificial and over the top. I wanted raw and real. I wanted to learn something of the human condition through a movie, not just see pretty explosions on the screen. Maybe I thought this inquisitive thoughtfulness about humanity translated to him due to his answer. I don’t know, but I was taken by him more by the second.

After explaining that I’d never met someone who responded that dramas were their favorite movie genre and that it was my favorite movie genre as well, we wandered over to the elevator and wondered where it might lead. As we stood there, we glanced to the right there the woman remained leaning against the entrance to our little sanctuary watching thousands of droplets fall from the sky. I wondered out loud where the stairs to our left could lead to which Chance replied this was the entrance to a parking garage. I said we should explore until the rain let up and pranced over to the stairs leaving Chance a couple steps behind me trying to decide if to stop me or join me. Half a second later he was coming down the stairs with me.

 

Into the Parking Garage

As he had said, the stairs did lead to a parking garage. A huge, cavernous, underground one that turned my mind to spooky thoughts. I asked Chance, “have you ever snuck in somewhere creepy you weren’t supposed to?” He thought about this a second as we walked through aisles of cars up a slope heading to the parking garage floors above. “No, I don’t think I have.” he concluded at last. I smiled, a bit disappointed, then shared my story. Here’s the super short version: in my last year of university I snuck into an abandoned dorm on campus. A student was stabbed there several years before my exploration of it and the place was then quarantined due to asbestos. It was creepy with half the endlessly long quiet halls with most doors closed and others cracked open to reveal desolate, empty rooms. Maybe, I’ll write about that some other time.

By the end of my story we reached a green stairwell to our left. At its entrance was a sign that read, ” No access after 7pm”. Chance and I checked our watches at the same time. It was almost 9pm. Chance started to turn away from the stairs as I shrugged, smiled and asked him with raised eyebrows “Are you going to let a little sign stop you?”. I felt rebellious and alive after my recount of the abandoned dorm. He looked at me a little shocked, but not off put by my reaction to the sign and followed me up those forbidden steps.

 

The Forbidden Stairwell and the Kiss

Five or so steps up the staircase cut to the left at a right angle and continued up until reaching another 90 degree angle to the left where there stood the entrance to a sort of bar/outdoor seating area. It was beautiful, with string lights and plants weaving around the place. There were a couple of people in dark, classy uniforms and black aprons tied at their waists who seemed to be closing up for the night. The metal door at the top of the stairs was locked with heavy chains and a padlock and carried a sign that said “Closed after 7pm”. I crept down slightly to avoid being spotted by the employees and turned to smile at Chance about our mischief before motioning him, who was a couple steps below me to head back down.

We walked down slowly until Chance reached a wide, flat platform dividing the top portion of the stairs with the bottom part. Here he turned to me, still a step above him, and asked, “Can we stop for a second?” We stood on this staircase that jutted out of the parking garage looking at each other with genuine smiles as cool night air blew on us balancing out the incubating warmth we’d felt in the parking garage. A second. No more, before he asked, looking up at me on the next step,

“Can I kiss you?”

“I thought you’d never ask.”

Pause. I am not making that up for romantic effect. I actually said that. (*FACEPALM!*) I think I rolled my eyes at myself a split second before our lips met. After that, there was nothing to cringe about. It was natural. Our kiss had dept, in the best possible way (none of that tongue down an unfortunate soul’s throat stuff). Then, another tentative touch of his lips against mine to which I responded gently, but fully accepting. Our lips danced and slid slowly as he huskily said, “step down”.

I did take the final step to meet him at the platform in the middle of this hidden staircase as he grabbed hold of my waist with both of his hands and pulled me closer to him. The heat emanating from his body, not an inch away from mine, was almost as hot as the kisses we shared, coming a bit faster now. Eventually, we parted and gazed at each other with oxytocin induced bliss.

 

Final Date Components: Walking the Streets of Old San Juan, Cuddling in Front of a Guard, and a Late Dinner Picnic (kind of)

Alright. Time to be real. This post is getting long and I do not want to make a part 3 (though I very well could). So, it’s super speed recap time! We sat on a step where we kissed, cuddled, and stuff for a bit before heading back to the parking garage and then outside since by now it had stopped raining. I thought this would be the end of the night but I’d told Chance I had to leave at 11pm. Remember, this was a Tuesday night and I had work the next morning. It wasn’t 11pm yet though, so we walked around the beautiful narrow sidewalks and crossed the brick lain streets of Old San Juan holding hands or with one of Chance’s arms wrapped around my waist before he suggested getting something to eat.

I could eat and wasn’t ready to let go of his hand, so we drove to another section of Old San Juan where he planned to introduce me to something tasty (a tripleta which is basically a sub with three kinds of meat). The stand was closed though. It was after 10pm at this point, so instead he lead us over to some benches in the area. However, I did not make it to the benches before I was called by the sea that could be seen from a concrete barrier that came up to my waist. I leaned against it trying to get closer to the water when Chance came up behind me and enveloped me in warmth. We spoke about humor and held each other. I found out he has the same dark humor as I do. At some point, a guard started looking at us funny which Chance said was pure jealousy as he pulled me to him for a final kiss for our only fan.

Since most places were closed, Chance and I passed by a fast food place and then had a sort of picnic outside my apartment in a little conglomeration of benches. It was sweet. A little late night picnic, just the two of us. Maybe not the most romantic end, but it felt peaceful and right. With a final kiss at the end of our meal I bid him a good night and waited for him to drive off into the night before entering my apartment. A girl has to keep a little mystery about her. 🙂

I fell asleep with a smile thinking that the last few hours of my life felt more like a dream than anything I would experience that night.

 

I hope you enjoyed my recount of that night. If you are interested in Chance’s perspective of the last half of our first date, click here. Otherwise, thanks for stopping by! Look forward to more adventures with Chance in my weekly blogs posted every Monday. 😀

 

Waiting Time – Personal Poetry Collection

Not much is happening this week so, I felt this poem appropriate. Thank high school me for this one again!

February 13, 2013

Waiting Time

 

The waiting time comes around again-

Not in one state or another.

Dread the next phase or calmly

wait. Let go of time. Blank

the mind and stop- wait.

Contemplate. Be

at peace at

last, Just

wait.

Week of February 25th 2019- Cafeteria (Pigeon Photography with Chance and Arcade with Joseph plus Internship Stress)

Monday, February 25th– Stressing about Assignments, but No Progress

Have you ever stressfully thought about working on something for hours or days, yet you …don’t? That was me this whole weekend. Friday, I gave up. I knew I was exhausted from the food bank and wasn’t going to be able to discipline myself into doing anything productive, so I didn’t even try to lie to myself. Saturday, I was so stressed thinking about the week ahead that I couldn’t focus long enough to get started. Sunday, I tried to motivate myself to work on my assignments all day, but at the end of the it gave in and accepted working on my blog for this week. I did nothing this weekend.

Today was supposed to be the first day of our Cafeteria rotation. Instead the dietitian told us she could not receive us that day, so we went to the Department of Health to get our hours for the day. I thought I’d get the assignments for the rotation done, but instead it took the whole 8 hours to finalize the case study PowerPoint and report that Gia and I have to present on Friday. I thought it was late (that we had to turn in a draft last Friday), but when I told the director that we’d leave it in the box for her she looked at us confused and told us that it was due when we presented. Well, at least that’s done. At home, I was stressed and did nothing.

 

Tuesday, February 26th– Slow Day at Rotation and Future Travel Stress

I woke up late. I didn’t sleep too too late, but I was exhausted. There’s a bus that goes all the way to the hospital our rotation is at, but I missed the one that would get me there on time. So, I took an Uber. These things are killing me. We don’t get paid for this internship. No housing or transport help either. This is all out of pocket and unfortunately my pockets were essentially emptied after I paid the tuition for this internship. Ugh. It was a slow day. The dietitian let us work on our assignments after seeing that we didn’t have any of them done. Oops.

Went home and splurged on fast food. Unhealthy coping, guys. Try to be stronger than I am. It was irrationally justified though. I called my dad to give him a head’s up about a rotation in three weeks where I have to travel little over an hour to get to, a two-week rotation. But wait! It’s not in three weeks. It’s in two! Ughhh. And, there’s no reasonably priced place to stay over there. They say it’s the hardest rotation of the internship and I’d rather not drive two (or three with traffic) hours a day for two weeks. But I don’t have another choice. As if I wasn’t stressed enough.

 

Wednesday, February 27th– Donuts and Stressing about Assignments

Donuts. That’s what got me motivated to wake up today. I made it to the bus on time and was dropped off across the street from the hospital. Beside a Krispy Kreme. Yum! The rest of the day wasn’t quite as exciting. We mostly worked on the rotation’s assignments the majority of the day though I did once go into the hospital kitchen to help portion out fruit or juice, I forget which.

At home, I dreaded working on everything that is due on Friday, but somehow got my rotation stuff for Thursday done. The real accomplishment is that I finally began working on the second of three parts of this monster investigative proposal (that I’m sure I’ve been talking for months about) due on Friday. I didn’t finish much, but starting is a great step. I’ve slept about 3 hours a night for the past three days. Yet, I’ve not done much for that proposal. Ughh. I’m scared, but Friday afternoon can’t come soon enough.

 

Thursday, February 28th– More Donuts and Finally Working on that Assignment

More donuts today. I know I’ll find them useful for anxiety control later tonight. Again, do NOT follow my example. It’s a very short-term fix. And I have a very short amount of time to get this proposal done. …I need to start working on some long-term fixes like not procrastinating to this level. *sigh… someday. At the rotation we helped serve milk and fruit then gave a presentation to the kitchen staff. Only thing left to do is finish that darn proposal for tomorrow and maybe practice the case study I have to present with Gia tomorrow.

After the rotation, Gia and I went to a fast food place to work on that proposal. We worked from 5pm to midnight with light bathroom breaks and a short dinner break. It was intense, but worth it. I was able to sleep about two hours before arriving at the meeting on Friday.

 

Friday, March 1st– Case Study Presentation at Internship Meeting

Gia and I had gone over half the presentation and none of the data. We were going into this half blind. But fortunately, it all turned out okay. Half of the interns are completing their renal rotations. Little note about that: renal is the hardest rotation of the whole internship. Not only is there a travel component of at least 30 minutes by car, but the rotation is individual and involves a ton of assignments. (This is the rotation I mentioned earlier that I will have to travel over an hour for, but that I don’t have another choice.) Ah, and it’s with real patients. So. Yes. They weren’t going to be pulled out for our dinky presentations. Gia and I presented as well as Robin and Kayla (individually). After going over some practice questions we were able to go home.

I may have watched YouTube or something chill, but there was nothing left to do today but sleep.

 

Saturday, March 2nd– Pigeon Photos with Chance and Arcade with Joseph

Glorious sleep! I didn’t want it to end! So, I don’t think I mentioned it, but I’d been having some sick like symptoms all week. Sneezing, snot, and now coughing. But I didn’t feel sick and couldn’t afford to anyway. Well, that’s what I woke up to. So much mucus. :/ But I had plans! I begrudgingly showered and got dressed. I also got into another argument with Axyl. I couldn’t find my toothbrush. He got mad I didn’t ask for his help (he could have let me have a spare of his). I left without saying a word…. but had to come back because I forgot my camera. I suck at dramatic exits it seems.

I did think about not going back for my camera. Chance would just have to deal with it and we’d have to change our plans. I’m so glad I got it though. We went to Old San Juan and got something called piraguas. It’s like a snow cone and it was delicious. 😊 After that, we visited the Pigeon Park. Yes. The one Joseph had mentioned when I went on a date with him last week. …was it last week? O.o Oh my goodness! I loved it! So many pigeons!! I took countless pictures! When I broke down and bought corn to feed them a pigeon came to me and stood on my knee as she ate! :3 I was so happy! She was sooo soft! I didn’t know pigeons were soft!! Ugh!! I am coming back. X)

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Last event of the day was another outing with Joseph. Geez… That sounds a little bad… I don’t remember how it turned out that I scheduled things with both guys this day, but here we are. Joseph and I went to Dave and Busters. Haha! An adult arcade essentially. It was so much fun! He beat me in most things, but it was alright. We both failed miserably at Guitar Hero! X) (I got cocky and chose hard and he did the same!) Have you guys ever done any virtual reality thing? There was this ride. It was more realistic than I expected! I mean, I was still aware of where I was, but if I wasn’t thinking about it, I could have not known! The future is frightening!! Anyway, after our fun we got the tiniest prize with our measly tickets. He got a little orange bouncy ball and I got a blue plastic chicken X)

He’d asked me if I was hungry before heading to the arcade, but I’d said no. He asked me again now to which I responded not really. X) Haha, the poor guy was hungry, so I said I could eat something though I wasn’t really hungry. We ate at the food court of the adjoining mall. Mexican food. It was a fun moment when he was suffering after a bit of salsa and I, the brave one, got a chip drowned in the salsa and just smiled and said it wasn’t spicy. Haha! You guys should have seen his face! First when I smothered the chip in salsa he looked at me like I was a mad woman, then when I said it wasn’t spicy he looked incredulous. XD It was great!

It wasn’t all fun and games though. Eventually we got on the topic of the whole dating app thing and I used that moment to clarify any doubts. I’d told Chance I was dating other people, but I hadn’t told Joseph. Maybe it wasn’t necessary, but I didn’t want to mislead him or make him think that this was something exclusive. I felt him deflate. ☹ I hate that part. When guys get all quite and hurt. I didn’t want to keep seeing him without him knowing though.

I really feel like I’m a step below being Chance’s girlfriend (he doesn’t want to put a label on it, but I feel like we are in an unofficial relationship or even just a step after friends, friends who kiss and stuff, if you will). Because of that, I don’t feel right kissing or being physically affectionate with anyone else. *sigh I had to let Joseph know where I’m at with Chance. It took a few minutes, but the conversation picked up again and we ended the night well. I gave him my number and bid him a good night.

 

Sunday, March 3rd– Watching Silence of the Lambs Again and Making Up with Axyl… Again

Another late awakening. Nice. This time not to snot and sneezing! Woo hoo! Since Joseph is a huge movie buff, I promised to see a movie sometime this week. I decided on Silence of the Lambs. I’d seen it before, but it’d been a while. I think books will always have the #1 spot for me, but I love the story, so it’s interesting to see all it’s adaptations. Honestly, the series mayyyyy beat the book. The one exception to my books are #1.

Axyl and I talked. We are on okay terms again. Man, that’s exhausting. I don’t like being mad with him. I live with him! If I wanted a toxic home environment I would have stayed at the apartment with Karen and Robin!

 

***

Next week!

  • Gia and I go back to the Non-profit! For a week-long community rotation.
  • Chance and I have a spicy food competition! …it was one of those dumb ideas that just sort of happened. This Wednesday! We are going to cook food for the other person. It’s going to be a three-course meal. I’m thinking spicy ice cream for dessert!
  • Easy week. Hey! Not everything can be hectic and exciting! Your girl needs rest too!!

 

 

 

The Most Romantic Date I’ve Been On- My Date’s Perspective (Part 1 of 2)

Hey guys, guess what? Chance is a novice writer too. I was impressed by the first few excerpts of his writing he’d sent me, so I proposed an idea. After reading him part one of the post I wrote about our first date (link here), I asked if he’d be interested in writing about that night from his perspective. I thought it’d be cool to give you guys both sides of the story. He said yes! I was surprised, but ecstatic! So, without further ado, here is our first date from his perspective. 

 

Meeting on the Dating App

I don’t really remember when was it that we matched. It was January 31st when I sent that first message, “Hey” along with my favorite emoji, the one with the smiley face, the one with closed eyes and a big smile showing its teeth, to me, that emoji’s smile feels genuine. 

In my past adventures in the dating app world I would always break the ice with an over the top joke or comment, as you can expect, it did not work, at all. I also tried a more formal approach, it didn’t work either. One of the things I found out is that if you begin the conversation with a compliment about the person, from something you saw in their pictures, this gives you their attention, and from there you can work your way to getting to know the person.  But if you want to know the secret, the best way to get people interested in you is to, putting it in simple terms, be yourself. Not everyone is going to connect with you but when someone does, it feels natural, you didn’t have to pretend to be something you are not. And so, with that “Hey” and my favorite smiley face I decide, I’m just going to give this one more try, no tactics, no over the top jokes, no holding back, I’m just going to be myself.

Like that, Laura and I began talking. To me, it felt natural, we talked about different sorts of things, I remember deep conversations about pigeons and what not, really exciting, haha, but in all seriousness, I just felt like maybe she could be the one person I can get along with and just be me. We had been texting for a while. I didn’t want to ask her out too soon. I wanted to make sure she liked talking to me, you know, just feeling comfortable in general. I don’t remember exactly how it happened but she took the lead and we decided on a date together. Honestly she did most of the work. She found a place; I just helped her decide on the date and time. So we agreed to meet on a Tuesday. I was really nervous. It’s normal I think. After all, I was meeting her for the first time. I didn’t want to mess things up.

 

Meeting at the Café

Tuesday came, she sent me a text to confirm that we were indeed going on a date. I was really glad. I thought she might cancel at the last minute, haha. It began just like any other Tuesday. I went to work like usual, didn’t have class that day so after I got off work I went to the gym, took longer than I had planned, finished what I was doing, took a shower and headed straight to the cafe we agreed on. I was late. 15 minutes late but I finally made it there.  

We only texted in English so I wasn’t really sure if she spoke Spanish, and then she said “hello” and all I thought was “oh fuck, my English kinda sucks”. I guess she either read my mind or saw my scared reaction because she started speaking spanish, and when she did it felt just like when you find a bathroom after you’ve been holding it in at movies for like 3 hours. What a relief it was, haha. I’m too self aware so I was trying not mess things up. I opened the door and let her go in first, but I was so nervous I walked past her, and walked in front of her on our way to the counter. “Wait, I should wait for her, or let her go in front of me, or maybe go side by side”  my mind was doing overtime, I tried to play it cool but I knew she could tell I was nervous.

I managed to order coffee, and waited for her to order one as well, and then I picked a spot for us, it was kind of uncomfortable but it was near a window. When we both got called to get our coffees we moved to a more convenient table and began talking. Well she did most of the talking anyway as I tried to find the perfect combination of things to say, but my mind was blank, so I just listened to her talk. My mind was in potato mode and couldn’t think of something interesting to say. I just listened to her, and looked at her, and thought “man, she sure looks pretty, don’t mess this up, come up with something cool”.  So as I drank my coffee and looked at my cup hoping to find in it something impressive to say, I just asked questions about her work, and simple things like that. We got some cake, I got a carrot cake and she got a slice of cornbread. I offered her some of mine and she offered me some of hers. After that I don’t remember who was that suggested we get out of there. I gave her options, stay there near where we were or go somewhere else. I was tasked with this important decision and decided San Juan would be nice place to go to. It looks beautiful, it has date-ish feel and I just really enjoy going to San Juan.

 

Old San Juan

On our way to San Juan I could feel myself getting more comfortable around her. I don’t really remember what we talked about but I was having a good time. Even though I live here, I don’t know how to get to a lot places so I used my gps to get there. Eventually we arrived and parked. When I got out of the car I could feel the cold breeze. It felt good. The night sky was cloudy, the city was quiet, there were people walking by and having a good time. So, I asked her to follow me to El Morro. It was dark, with some light posts here and there. We sat at a bench and looked at what was in front of us, a beautiful view of a city across the bay, bright and colorful lights, small ships passing by, and the night breeze was cold, but not too cold. It felt relaxing. I asked her to come with me, to get a little bit closer to the castle. As we walked, we talked and I enjoyed being with her even more. We got to another bench, and then it happened. As I sat down, she fell, and I couldn’t help but laugh because she was bragging earlier how she almost always falls but never does. It was really funny. I tried to help but she insisted on getting up on her own.

I don’t remember how we got on the topic of kissing, but I said to her that I was a good kisser, or so I had been told. That maybe she could tell me how good I really was. From what I saw she didn’t really want to talk about that. It didn’t feel like she wanted to avoid kissing me, but I took it like maybe she’d rather talk about that at a later point. So, I changed the subject. I’d say I’m very perceptive. As we talked, drops began falling on my face, cold and wet, and somehow refreshing. I don’t really mind rain, but it was our first date and I was thinking I wanted to be somewhat dry just in case we might want to do something else. I remember back when I was in middle school and high school, I used to like walking under the rain. All the other students ran for cover or made a big deal about it, but I just walked and enjoyed the rain falling on me. Just to be sure, I often asked how she was feeling so far, if she was having a good time like I was.

 

***

I hope you guys enjoyed that little extra. Chance is a bit more on top of things than me, it seems, and already wrote the part two of our first date. I have not however, so! I’m going to cut his version off right there. I plan to write my side of the second half of our date on Saturday, March 2nd. Either way, whenever I post my part two, I’ll post his. I wouldn’t want to spoil anything. 😉

 

Photo credit to 3dman_eu from Pixabay