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Posted in Personal Poetry Collection, Texas- Living with Parents

Seeking Solitude – Personal Poetry Collection

I was listening to music and watching videos about art when I wished I had the artistic ability to draw what I felt. Something like a balloon surrounded by cacti. Or a dark room pierced by pinpricks of blinding light. Then I remembered the art of written words: poetry. So I wrote this about relaxing on a hammock and having that peace incessantly interrupted by my parents and intruding thoughts of the past ending in my current struggle of finding my home. 

 

April 8, 2020

Seeking Solitude

 

Moments imagined, savored, and soothing

I forge, however flitting and farce it seems-

‘till two tutting awkward quavering people

appear to gawk, talk, and cluck. 

 

Face away, face away

feel the wind whisper “freedom” 

and you stay and you stay

within the heart of the storm.

Silence your mind, open your shut eyes

find your way, back to reality someday.

Feel your bones and body ache, but 

fight the urge to fly.

 

Tap! At the window or the door?

No, just the windows of my soul

trepid finger positioned recklessly–

tauntingly by my cheek. 

I can’t even squeak.

Taut smile, roll over–

Bump! Triumphant, thoughtless thumps

from that rump.

 

Back inside.

Wrapped in flimsy threads

Oh, remember being told you need meds?

Remember reaching out?

Then being told only a professional could clear your doubts.

 

Sunlight.

I am not in that dark room 

there are not tears streaming down my face

there is no nasty text screaming at me.

It’s me.

It’s always been me.

 

I’m here, but should I be?

Who decides?

Doesn’t feel like me…

 

Just let me go. 

Let me frown and let me drown.

Because the air you use–

now all Co2–

turns me blue.

 

Sunlight!

Please don’t stray!

I know I have no say…

and this to them is play

just, please tell me-

Should I stay?

 

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Note:

Picture was likely taken by my cousin. You can see a 14 year old me in the bottom right.

Posted in New Year's Resolution Progress, Texas- Living with Parents

New Year’s Resolutions for 2020 – Progress as of April 3rd

March Update

 

blue tape measuring on clear glass square weighing scale
1) Weight Loss
  • Lose enough weight to be classified as overweight at a BMI of 24.9 or less (weight loss of about 30 pounds)
    • Overall: 
      • Better than January, but that’s not saying much.
      • 5 pounds down from starting weight
      • Ha… don’t even have to update the overall section for this since February -__-
    • March
      • Haven’t lost or gained weight as of March 22nd still 34.4 BMI
    • February
      • Lost weight to achieve a BMI of 34.4 (obese category I) by February 4th
      • Stayed pretty much stable the following week at a BMI of 34.5 by Feb. 10th
      • Gained a pound to a BMI of 34.7 by Feb. 17th
      • Lost that pound. Back to starting weight in February by March 2nd (BMI 34.4)
    • January
      • Gained weight to my highest BMI of 35.2 (obese category II)

 

tilt shift lens photography of five assorted vegetables
2) Get a job in my Profession
  • Get a job as a dietitian (preferably a clinical dietitian)
    • Overall: 
      • Applied to 14 dietetic positions since January
      • Rejected by 5
      • No response from 9
    • March
      • Applied to two more dietetic positions on March 25th. This time in West Texas. 
      • One hospital decided to close the dietitian position due to coronavirus. The other has not responded.
    • February
      • Applied to three PRN clinical dietitian positions (February 3rd and 4th)
      • Applied to 5 full time, 1 part time and 2 on call dietitian positions on February 25th Rejected by 2 thus far and no reply from the rest as of yet.
    • January
      • Finished new licensure requirements such as payment and continuing education planning
      • Applied to one full time clinical dietitian position

 

people in swimming pool
3) Complete a Triathlon

Continue reading “New Year’s Resolutions for 2020 – Progress as of April 3rd”

Posted in My Life Now, Texas- Living with Parents

I’m Moving: just me trying to convince myself this is the right choice

I’m somewhat impressed with myself… I thought I hadn’t written for this blog in about two or three weeks, but it’s only been one week! 😅

Let’s talk about that big post from last week. The one about finding my home. It’s not here with my parents. I knew I would not be happy here, but I came back due to a sense of obligation and now I find myself miserable and apart from a (so far) useless dietetic license, I’m exactly where I started when I moved back in: unemployed and stagnate.

Quick side note: I did finally land a small job until I am (hopefully) chosen for a dietetic position, but the place closed due to the coronavirus two days before I was supposed to start. So, although I have been told I am going to be hired I’m stuck in the hiring process until the place opens again. So…. yep. Still unemployed.

 

Feeling Stifled at Home and Searching for Freedom

Yes, having (almost) a job is progress and the week I came back from Mariah’s wedding I started going out more. For the first time since coming to live with my parents, I was finally putting myself first, but despite that I feel stuck. I feel restricted. I don’t feel free. Which, I understand, there’s only a certain amount of liberty I can obtain, but I assure you this isn’t it. Even though I’ve had my moments with both of my parents that have driven me to want to move far away from them, I love them.

It hurts because I care about them, but I don’t feel like I’m doing either them or myself any favors by living in the same household. I don’t clean the house, I don’t bring home money, heck, after each subsequent situation with each of my parents I haven’t even made much conversation with them. I want to be alone. I didn’t speak my mind before. I didn’t want for almost anything. I remember asking for two things in my life: a trampoline and a game for the Wii. Otherwise, it was always whatever my parents thought best. What an idiot I’d been.

Continue reading “I’m Moving: just me trying to convince myself this is the right choice”

Posted in New Year's Resolution Progress

New Year’s Resolutions for 2020 – Progress as of March 8th

February Update

  • Lose enough weight to be classified as overweight at a BMI of 24.9 or less (weight loss of about 30 pounds)
    • Overall: 
      • Better than January, but that’s not saying much.
      • 5 pounds down from starting weight
    • February
      • Lost weight to achieve a BMI of 34.4 (obese category I) by February 4th
      • Stayed pretty much stable the following week at a BMI of 34.5 by Feb. 10th
      • Gained a pound to a BMI of 34.7 by Feb. 17th
      • Lost that pound. Back to starting weight in February by March 2nd (BMI 34.4)
    • January
      • Gained weight to my highest BMI of 35.2 (obese category II)

 

  • Get a job as a dietitian (preferably a clinical dietitian)
    • Overall: 
      • I’ve applied to a lot of places and have either been outright rejected or ghosted.
    • February
      • Applied to three PRN clinical dietitian positions (February 3rd and 4th)
      • Applied to 5 full time, 1 part time and 2 on call dietitian positions on February 25th Rejected by 2 thus far and no reply from the rest as of yet.
    • January
      • Finished new licensure requirements such as payment and continuing education planning
      • Applied to one full time clinical dietitian position

 

  • Complete an Olympic distance triathlon
    • Overall: 
      • My heart isn’t in this, but I have my first outdoor triathlon in a week as of posting this update.
    • February
      • Nothing, very sporadic training. :< 
    • January
      • Completed an indoor triathlon
      • Signed up for a super sprint triathlon in March
      • Bought bike accessories (bike computer, trainer, and aero bars)

 

  • Complete a 5k in less than 35 minutes (~11 minute mile or 5.5mph pace)
    • Overall: 
      • I started running and training again after the 5k, and with a lot of, frankly, shit going on in my life at the moment this may be more sustainable than doing triathlons…
    • February
      • Feb. 4th signed up for a 5k later in February
      • Completed 5k in 44 minutes and 18 seconds according to the chip. 14:12 minute mile or so
      • Signed up for a 5k in April
    • January
      • Nothing…

 

  • Re-learn how to play This is Gospel by Panic! at the Disco on the piano and get to level 9 on the Yousician Piano app*
    • Overall: 
      • I feel like I learned little, if anything from the class I took and actually, I practice much less than I did before I began taking it. I think I haven’t practiced more than once a week for like a month at this point. 😦
    • February
      • Got to Level 7 on Classical and Pop lessons on Yousician.
      • Finished beginning piano class
    • January
      • Started this goal at level 6 on Yousician
      • Started a beginning piano class

 

  • Decide when and where and for what to go to graduate school for
    • Overall: 
      • There are bigger concerns at the moment. Mainly housing decisions and job hunting.
    • February
      • Nothing :/
    • January
      • Nothing…

 

  • Pay off at least 1/3 of my undergraduate student loans
    • Overall: 
      • I’ve applied to many positions, and have been ghosted from most. Hopefully this interview coming up goes well…
    • February
      • Feb. 3rd, applied for an hourly position
      • Feb. 19, applied for 5 hourly positions
      • Feb. 23rd got an email with additional questions to answer before deciding if they want me to come in for an interview. They did not. Rejected from a cashiering job (I have 3 years of cashiering experience).
      • March 7th got a call to go for an interview on March 16th
    • January
      • Nothing… still unemployed

 

  • Volunteer at least once a month
    • Overall: 
      • I mentally resigned myself to being jobless for the foreseeable future seeing how I haven’t been chosen for even a minimum wage job, so I recently began signing up for a volunteer event each week.
    • February
      • Feb. 3rd signed up to volunteer with a food bank
      • Feb. 6th, volunteered at the food bank sorting cans
      • Feb. 26th volunteered with the food bank distributing food at a community center
      • March 6th volunteered at the food bank receiving donations
    • January
      • Nothing…

 

  • Go on a fun outing at least once a month (with others or alone)
    • Overall: 
      • I had to add a section for March already, since I’ve been making an effort to enjoy myself more. It’s amazing what putting yourself first will do!
    • March
      •  March 1st Went to the movie theater by myself and saw Jojo Rabbit
      • March 3rd Got breakfast with my brother, then went to the movies with him and saw Parasite
      • March 6th Went to visit cousin Yvette and got to meet her two year old daughter and see her son
      • March 6th Had a painting and wine/ read with my honorary niece (Allie) night with Lyza and Sophia
    • February
      • Feb. 1st- Cousin’s birthday bowling 🙂
      • Feb. 14 to 16th, trip to visit Mariah for her bridal shower
      • Feb. 21 Ice cream with Lyza, Sophia, and Alli
      • Feb. 14-16th Trip to celebrate Mariah’s bachelorette party got to meet most of her family and some of Richard’s family
      • Feb. 28 to March 1st, Trip to celebrate Mariah and Richard’s wedding, got to hang out with Sherry and Dellewood 🙂
    • January
      • Until the 2nd- trip to West Texas with Mariah to visit Sherri and Richard
      • 18th- Coffee with Sydney

 

  • Write at least four posts a month on this blog
    • Overall: 
      • I wasn’t haven’t been motivated to write. I don’t have new poems, I don’t like my day to day which means I don’t want to sit down and write about it and I’m just sad.
    • February
      • Five posts, rather sporadic… I started well :/
      • February 2020 posts
    • January
      • About 2 posts per week. Nice! 😀
      • img_20200204_170747842

 

  • Read at least one new book per month
    • Overall: 
      • I promise you I would not have started reading either of those books had it not been for this resolution. I started each of them at the beginning of the month so that I could finish them before the end of it. X) It’s just not a craving like it used to be. :<
    • February
      • I’m Fine and Other Lies… by Whitney Cummings
      • March Started Reading Beautiful Boy by David Sheff
    • January
      • None… (I’m re-reading Matched by Ally Condie with my mom 😬)

 

I just hope I’m happier next month. 😦

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Note:

  • I changed my goal for Yousician from my original goal of level 11 to level 9, because I checked after I’d written the goal and this music learning app only goes up to level 9 on piano.
  • Picture from Pexel’s free photo library
Posted in My Life Now, Texas- Living with Parents, Thoughts and the Past

Where is My Home? [with Audio]

 

I don’t think I’ll ever be happy and I don’t think I’ll ever stop starting a post with that announcement. When I sit down to write and don’t come with a topic in mind, that’s where my mind goes. For whatever reason, in whatever environment I am in, I am not happy. It’s been years, so I don’t think I ever will be truly happy. Comfortable. I’d settle for comfortable.

I don’t think I’ve ever been completely comfortable in any place I’ve lived. I know it’s a delusion to think or hope that I ever will be. The world isn’t black and white. But… more? I want more? I want better? And I know I can achieve that. I don’t know if I deserve it, but I know it’s out there. It always is.

So when can I stop? When will it be enough? And when I get there, how will I know?
This sounds like an epic intro for a deeply poetic reflective piece. But it is not. It’s just going to be me complaining about my housing experiences. So, I (mostly) lived with my parents all my life until I left for university at almost 19. Life at home was great as a kid and stifling as a teenager. For the usual reasons and some unusual reasons. For a few months I lived with family or friends (about three or four different families) and I just wanted to go back home. I didn’t care that I’d be alone at home and I was ten years old. I wanted that.

When I did get to live at home by myself, I liked it. I still got super excited to tell my mom all about my day when she got home late at night, but I did well by myself during the solitary evenings. Sadly, that’s probably been one of my favorite housing situations. Top three for sure. :/

Other than that, it’s just been me living with my brother and parents. It was suffocating as a teen, but most of it didn’t have to be that way. I could have fought back, rebelled, changed my life for the better. But I didn’t. I didn’t go out. I didn’t invite over my two or three friends I had during these years. It was a stifling lonely-in-a-crowd feeling.

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Now, I wrote that amazing intro in the summer of 2019. It’s now a couple weeks from spring in 2020. I didn’t finish writing it because I think I didn’t want to deal with such a heavy question at the time. I had pretty much finished my first stint into education after a bachelor’s degree and an internship. I was ready to slow down. Or so I thought. Now I’m starting to realize that I can’t. For me, it’s either stop or go. There’s no in between. I used to think, and I still did when I wrote the prior section, that it was equally my fault and my parents’ fault that I didn’t enjoy my teenage years living under their roof. Maybe it’s the fact that my mother’s friend just condemned me to God’s wrath for being a rude and disrespectful daughter to my mother, but I don’t believe my unhappy teenage years are equally my and my parents’ faults. I do think there’s more I could have done. I could have rebelled and done what I wanted to, like I said above, but how was I supposed to know that the good outweighed the bad?

Continue reading “Where is My Home? [with Audio]”

Posted in Personal Poetry Collection

The Secrets I Keep – Personal Poetry Collection

The ironic thing is that I didn’t have secrets back then. I was talking more about keeping secret the fact that I felt sad most of the time and didn’t like to tell other people because I didn’t want to bring the mood down.

 

Spring 2017

The Secrets I Keep

So many cuts on fingers and toes

There is no one who knows

Just like those shows

outside wearing bows

inside reaching new lows

 

Why have foes?

When your flaws stand in rows?

Self goes.

Replaced only by woes

Gathering scraps, she sews

 

No one will ever know.

 

 

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Note:

Picture is from Pexel’s Free Photo Library. I liked it because of the expressions “saving face” and “hiding your true self”.

Posted in My Life Now, Weekly Blog Posts

Week of February 3rd 2020- Applying to Jobs, Vacation from Dad and New Room

Wow! I had such a positive reaction to the new format from last week’s two week post. I’m going to try that again. I’d just been doing paragraphs because that’s just how I’ve been doing weekly posts since I started this blog, but I do like the bullet points better. It’s easier to write even if I don’t write every single day. And it’s more accomplishment oriented. Something you guys know I love. 😅 I may even go back and add photos from my Instagram stories… 🤔 I post there pretty regularly. Yeah, I think I’ll try that this week too. 🙂

 

Anyway, let’s do this!

Sunday, Feb 2nd

  • I assembled an armoire
    • Haha, I know this is from the week prior, but I’d already written the previous post before I did this on Sunday night. I thought I’d finished being productive for the week. 😬 I’m just so proud because I’d never assembled anything like this before and it looks like I did it right!

 


Monday, Feb. 3rd

  • Applied for another hospital job
    • This one is not a full time position, but it is in an area that interests me a lot, so I’d be thrilled to work at this hospital.
  • Messed up my hip
    • I felt my femur move out of place when I was laying in bed, but when I woke up it was perfectly fine again. Then I tried to get out of my chair after breakfast and I could barely hobble away to my room. It fixed itself later and this happens fairly often, but it is so annoying!

Continue reading “Week of February 3rd 2020- Applying to Jobs, Vacation from Dad and New Room”

Posted in My Life Now, New Year's Resolution Progress, Texas- Living with Parents

New Year’s Resolutions for 2020 – Progress as of February 4th

Yes, I know it’s February. Just go with me on this! I usually don’t set New Year’s Resolutions. Don’t get me wrong. It’s my favorite holiday! I love the attitude and the positive hope that surrounds the celebration of another year of life completed and the next to come.

The thing is, I am one of those people who believe it’s always time to seek self improvement. And somehow, most of the times I’ve started a lofty goal it’s been at random times during the year (I learned to paint in spring, make balloon animals in summer, and started a weight loss regime in the fall). Hardly ever have I done anything productive right at the start of a new year. I’ve actually made bigger changes after Halloween and before Thanksgiving, like the time I became vegetarian! Yep! Right before Thanksgiving. That was an interesting holiday season, haha.

Continue reading “New Year’s Resolutions for 2020 – Progress as of February 4th”

Posted in Personal Poetry Collection

The Night We Stole – Personal Poetry Collection

Or as I like to call it: The Last Poem Pining for that Boy. Like I said in my last poem. I stand with the message of my poems, but I don’t feel this way anymore. Yes, I wrote it pretty recently, but since then a last straw moment happened and it’s all I needed to let these feelings go. We can be friends because I want absolutely nothing more than that, but I’m done putting in effort to be told to back off. I’m done.

 

December 15, 2019

The Night We Stole

It was not meant to be

yet we stole that night

like a bird in flight

quick, graceful, and light

touches you gave me that might

have led to more if bite

I had dared. Or if right

had been the sight.

 

But it was not so.

And now we pay the fee.

Who was in the wrong, me?

Or was it he?

Or was it we?

I couldn’t see

blinded by my glee

I stung though a bee.

 

Now it is right we die

nothing further from foes,

we reached new lows

some might call ho-!

ho- how dare you? Oh!

I’d do it again though.

but next time I would go

on. I wouldn’t stop, no.

 

You are a good guy.

for saying good bye.

Posted in My Life Now, Texas- Living with Parents

Weeks of January 20th and 27th 2020- Work Woes, Weight Woes, and Workout Woes… Then a Reawakening.

Yeah, it happened again. I was really sad. I skipped a week and almost another of blogging. Yep. It’s going to keep happening. But I’ve decided to do a joint recap instead of try to piece together whatever that mess was. Here’s the important bits:

 

Week of January 20th 2020

 

  • I found out I’d lost a pound of weight since the week prior.
    • I hadn’t really done anything to make that happen except being more conscious of my snacking and not being excessive with that.

 

  • I applied for a job at a hospital.
    • I’ve been really mentally blocked for a long time and just can’t bring myself to move forward in my life. Now I finally have my dietetic license and can apply for jobs in my career, but my heart hasn’t been in it. I’m so tired of being rejected. (Not from jobs per se, but in general. Especially since my internship, but also in recent personal matters.) Axyl gave me the real-talk chat I needed and I mustered up the energy to apply for one job. Still waiting on word from that hospital.

 

  • I replied to a health food company. 
    • This company seemed interesting and though they reached out to me to work for them as a cashier (well below my abilities now that I am licensed) I genuinely wanted to learn more about the company and network. I decided to meet with the CEO/ founder later in the week.

 

  • I met a guitarist in my piano class. 
    • He didn’t have his book, so I offered to share mine with him. We got to talking and it seems he’s also from a different discipline like me. Because of his experience with guitar and my experience with singing, we both know the very basics of music like notes and rhythm and such, so the class went pretty slow and we spent a lot of it chit chatting.

 

  • I didn’t go to the gym most of or the whole week.
    • I can’t really tell from my bullet points from last week. I think I didn’t go a single day…

 

  • I met with the founder of the health food company. 
    • He was not like I expected. Very stereotypical. I won’t even go into detail. Let’s just say, I’m glad I’m not working for him.

 

  • I got really sad because of that meeting. Vented to a friend. Had a fallout with said friend.
    • Tears in my cereal the next day. I’m not even joking about that. : ( Axyl gave me a pep talk and I felt better. I decided to let that relationship go. At least the way I was going about it. Why put in effort to be told to back off?

 

 

Week of January 27th 2020

 

  • Found out I’d gained 5 pounds in the last week.
    • Officially obese category II (BMI 35). New highest weight I’ve ever been.
    • That’s what being very sad and giving in to emotional eating will do to ya.

 

  • Opening up more in sign language class. 
    • It’s easier now that there’s only like 10 students instead of 30 last semester. I think I surprised my professor since he and the rest the class are used to seeing me as the quiet, smart kid. That’s the way I usually present myself in most places. A lot of people don’t get to see my dark, funny side. Ha, this class won’t know what’s coming!

 

  • Getting bored in piano class. 
    • It’s very much a beginning piano class and apart from some much needed practice sight reading. It seems I know the basics. Didn’t even feel like chatting with the guitarist.

 

  • Decided to start eating healthier one step at a time instead of trying to do everything “perfectly”
    • I know how complicated nutrition can be, but I also know how simple it can be too. I decided it doesn’t matter what I think about myself or how scared I am to be skinnier. This has gotten out of hand and I can’t keep putting it off and gaining 5 more pounds every time I get knocked down by life. There’s not next week, or starting Monday, or maybe if I feel like it. It’s now. It’s starting simple and building on it. It’s slow, but steady. It’s Wednesday. I started eating healthier on a Wednesday. I decided to start with the most basic thing. I know there are more than two dozen essential vitamins and minerals, but take it one thing at a time. For it to be a lifestyle and not a diet it has to be maintainable. Start with what you know you can do and that you can do consistently. So I did.
      • Maybe I’ll write a more detailed post just about this later. Or maybe not. I’m not trying to influence anyone into following what I’m doing for a healthier lifestyle. That’s different for everyone. Maybe it will help some, maybe it will hinder others. I’ll think about it.

 

  • First aerial silks class
    • We are in pairs for the class. My partner seems very nice and super extroverted. She made the class so much fun, even though I only successfully was able to do one of about 5 moves we were taught and it was basically hanging upside down. 🙈 I wasn’t able to climb the silk or do a pull through. (My arms are dying. >.< I need to build some upper body strength!)

 

  • Went to the gym for the first time in about 2 weeks.
    • I took my brother with me before sign language class and he also did a bit of exercise. That was cool! I used the stationary bikes. Why this gym positioned the spin bikes right in the middle of all of the weight machines (read: with my butt directly in front of a couple of guys), I have no idea. It was awkward, but I still got a short bike session in before class.

 

  • Went swimming for the first time in about 3 weeks. 😬
    • I almost didn’t go because my mom and brother didn’t want to swim. (They said it was too cold and they would rather do some other form of cardio.) But, I did my swim session without them and it felt refreshingly nice to just concentrate on myself. (Usually, I keep an eye on my mom and brother because they aren’t the strongest swimmers.)

 

  • Cousin’s birthday party!
    • Cousins invited me to join them for some bowling. 🙂 It was so much fun! I hadn’t seen all of them in a very long time, but they were very welcoming. I’m so glad I was able to go. (Even though I suck at bowling, haha!)

 

Next Week:

  • Last poem about someone I’m over. Just want to post it because it was something that hurt me deeply and I felt strongly about and now I don’t. I’m all about transformation and letting go of that is definitely a positive change in my life.
  • We’ll see how maintainable this healthier lifestyle really is. It’s been 4 days and it feels great. Hopefully I can say that after a full week. Otherwise, I’ll have to tweak it and make it more manageable.
  • Will I muster up the courage to apply for more jobs? I hope so…

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Note:

Picture is of my crappy little mountain bike that I’ve outfitted for future triathlons and indoor training. It’s not much, but it’s all I need. Such is life. I make do.