Tag: Change

Posted in My Life Now, Texas- Living with Parents

“So You Know”, I made a YouTube channel!

Posted on by Lizzie Gomez

Yeah, that’s the name of my YouTube channel. 😅 “So You Know” Maybe it’s lackluster, but it just made sense to me. My channel is a vlog channel that I want to use to tell my day to day experiences. Plus, I’m a little bit of a grammar nerd. I love the importance of the comma in that phrase. “So you know”… at the beginning of my videos sets up the stories my days will tell in the vlog while “So, you know” concludes them since by watching the vlog you now know a little more about my life. 🙂

….I know it’s lame, haha. I just want to have a place where I can share my life in video format and I didn’t want a super obvious or cheesy channel name about my life, my story, or my journey.

I don’t have much experience making videos, but then again, I didn’t have any experience blogging when I started this site two years ago. While I’m not a blog superstar, it’s done better than I could have hoped. I never thought anyone would bother reading my words, let alone relating or enjoying them as I feel happens when I get likes or comments on my posts. I’m hoping the same will be true of my YouTube channel. I go into that experience not expecting much response.

From Blogging to Vlogging

I’m thinking it’ll be boring vlogs that only my family or close friends watch ….maybe. As I write this, the only thing on my channel is an intro video and my two vlogs. I don’t think either is a memorable work of art. The real value in this venture is how cathartic it can be. Maybe writing isn’t that for me anymore. Maybe I get in my own way too much for it to be my outlet anymore. I remember the summer after I graduated university, it was this blog that kept me sane. I planned my day around writing and editing and translating posts.

Now, my weekly schedule is filled with shooting, editing, and subtitling videos. I am still feeling incredibly lost in life and what I want to do with it. No amount of self pep talks and strict self guidelines have helped me to want to wake up every morning. Some days I can do the bare minimum, but other days, like today, the accomplishment is getting through the day without my family seeing the tears well up in my eyes. I woke up today and just the thought of my day ahead forced me back to sleep.

When I woke up much later in the afternoon, I just wanted to stay in bed. I did, actually, for another hour. I was so mad at myself for not getting up earlier. I had stayed up until 5am making plans and getting excited about life again and all I wanted to achieve. Less than 12 hours later though, at 3pm when I awoke, I was in irrational tears trying to convince myself to get out of bed. I’m so tired of living like this.

I Feel Stuck but Don’t Want to Take the Conventional Fix

I know I could make a change. I know, it’s difficult for me self regulate and stay motivated without external factors. I’m at a point where unless I have a push or a pull, some sort of inertia, I can’t create that for myself. I know that if I were to go to school or get a job, I’d do well. Excellent, even, depending on what it was. But, I feel so sad and empty where I am that I don’t think I can change that by myself.

I know it’s not conventional, but I can’t afford conventional (therapy). And I’m so scared to get a job just for the sake of it for two big reasons. The first being that I don’t want to find myself at that same job I have no interest or passion for years later just because I need a salary. The second reason being that I am scared to be more exposed to this virus because of my family- particularly my brother. He is so scared and with good reason. He’s gone through so much, medically. I don’t want to be the reason he gets sick…for the last time…

YouTube, my Longtime Dream…but, being realistic

Morbid thought, I know. Have I gotten off topic as usual? Perhaps. But, not completely. It’s a crazy dream, but I want to give YouTube a shot. When I started this blog I only briefly thought about monetizing it. However, I didn’t believe my writing would be good enough to warrant that….plus I don’t love the idea of ads and bringing that into my space of creativity. I’m still not 100% comfortable with that on YouTube, but it seems like a more natural place for that than here. That’s a ways away though, so I have time to decide.

That’s my crazy dream. I would love to make YouTube my full time job. I am not betting everything on this, but I do want to give this a try. Maybe I end of hating it or feeling like it’s too much, or I find a dream job outside of YouTube or I just give up on the channel and I settle for any old job. I don’t know what will happen, but I want to have this experience.

I am very insecure about my editing and content at the moment. I started recording with the thought that it would be a health and wellness channel, but then I decided to go more broad. I feel like it is kind of awkward and boring… But then again, I never thought anyone other than my roommate would ever read this blog… yet, here you are.

It warms my heart and makes me believe that the YouTube channel could be moderately successful as well. Really, any comment or views that are not from family or friends would make me feel overjoyed… And, I know if YouTube ever becomes more than a hobby, that will take time- years, more than likely. (Enough time for me to get better at editing and recording and hosting my channel, thank goodness.)

Subscribe to my YouTube Channel “So You Know“

Having said allllll that, I invite you to subscribe to my YouTube channel. If you have followed my blog for any length of time, you know how I am. Admirable traits, character flaws and all. Maybe it’s not your cup of tea. That’s fine. But, if you want to sit through some raw footage and go on that journey with me, you are more than welcome to.

In the future, I am considering adapting content from this blog, but that will be much later in the future. As always, thank you for reading. It still means as much now as when I started writing here two years ago.

“So You Know”, I made a YouTube channel! Yeah, that’s the lame name of my YouTube channel. Check out my blog post explaining this change in medium or follow this link to see my intro video:
https://youtu.be/E-rTDCVU29M

Posted in Texas- Living with Parents, Thoughts and the Past

Feeling like a Failure, but it’s all Relative- Embracing being the Rebel in my Family

Posted on by Lizzie Gomez
Personal reading for all you audiophiles and busy people alike 🙂

I’ve fallen out of love with writing. Before, it was my comfort. I used it to get my thoughts and stress out. …Then things happened I couldn’t bear to write about. Things I no longer wanted to explore or understand. I just wanted them to be forgotten. I still do.

Avoiding the Past

Many, I have forgotten. Thank heavens. But, the catalyst lingers. And I can not help but attempt to avoid writing in fear of preserving new horrors. I want to be open and honest in my writing, but there are some doors I no longer allow myself to open anymore. While there are others- revolving doors- that seem to have no lock and key. No matter how hard I push or pull, they will not shut.

I feel weak. I feel…ashamed. I am a failure and I am afraid to not be one. So I hide. Behind television series and video games. I used to hide behind documentaries and books as well…but it seems that too has changed. I am obsessed with change. I think because I’ve never liked myself. I grew up with the usual ideals- knowledge, kindness, appearances.

I succeeded at them out of doors and within myself (I believed). How do I know what I believed? I was not a person before. I won’t repeat the details. Just know I was raised as a people pleaser. I didn’t know what it meant to like something before I attended university. I know that won’t make sense to many people. How does a person not have opinions, likes, or dislikes. In my mind, I was not allowed to- so I didn’t.

Finding my Voice Despite Outside Influences

When I began university, I was so strict with myself. I had so many rules and guidelines. I could not distinguish my thoughts from what I had been taught growing up. My inner voice was not my own. It was a combination of my parents and wise teachers and life lessons learned from television.

Eventually, I let go. I learned to trust myself and hear myself. Listen to what I wanted. Just the other day I realized something huge. I grew up feeling like the big sister of the family- like a forced mother of sorts. I still do. However, the thought occurred to me that I am also the rebel in the family- a black sheep of sorts- at least in the eyes of my immediate family. I felt so happy in that moment.

I know we do not get to choose whether we are born nor in what order, but I always felt cheated in a way. Remember, I learned the ways of life from television? I was sold so much crap about the youngest siblings’ position in life and in the family. I was told they are the spoiled one with no responsibilities and all the praise. I only have one sibling; still, things were not so.

Familial Expectations

In many ways, more was expected of me- as a female, as an able-bodied person, as a younger person, as an English speaker, as someone with education, and as a daughter.

  • “You should be in the kitchen with your mother.”
  • Coddling my older brother “because of his situation.” (He has chronic illnesses; I am healthy.)
  • Do this, do that “because you’re the youngest therefore have the most energy”.
  • “Translate this, call this number, set this appointment”.
  • “You are lucky to have an education…so, why a 98? Why not a 100?”
  • “It is the youngest daughter’s responsibility to take care of her parents in their old age.”
  • “It is expected you as a daughter in general not leave the house unless you are married to a man.”
  • “If you go anywhere except work or school, you must state where you are going, with whom, and be back before it is dark.”

But, I stubbornly sat with my dad that day and watched the soccer game with him instead of going to help my mother in the kitchen. (I don’t even like soccer.) I call my parents out for hindering my brother’s independence by helping him too much and thus impeding him from learning to have confidence and the ability to do things on his own. And in general, I am just a horrendous daughter in my immediate family’s eyes.

Respectful or Rebellious?

Some time ago, I wrote a piece about my mother and how she finds me to be disrespectful. Soon after, one of my cousins checked up on me and expressed her shock at the situation. For years until that point, whenever my family would visit their family for holidays I remained stuck like glue to my mother’s side and said maybe two words the entire evening. I didn’t have a personality, like I had mentioned. My job was to not upset my parents. They had enough to worry about with my sickly brother.

I shouldn’t have been as shocked that my cousin thought I was a better daughter than I am, but I am a terrible daughter. I don’t help with chores, I do speak up if I see something I disagree with, and I, frankly, don’t care about what my parents consider a good daughter to be. When it occurred to me that I am the rebel in my family…I felt liberated as if the puzzle pieces finally fell into place.

I may not be a rebel in the traditional sense- no underage drugs or drinking or wild parties or sex- but I will never live up to my parents’ standards. Before, I tried. I was quiet and accommodating. I was the first to admit I was wrong and apologize. What I wouldn’t have done to get a crumb of approval from my mother.

Being Realistic

But now I realize—-no. I accept, that I will never have that. And, honestly, I don’t need it. Of course, I still would love to be accepted by my own mother, but I know that is an impossibility. Enough with holding out hope. This isn’t a fictional novel. There is no magic moment. There is no perfect family. There are better families and there are worse families. No amount of wondering and waiting will change who we are.

I’ve known for years that there is no point trying to change other people, but I always felt I didn’t have to. I watched too much T.V. read too many idealist books. I believed my mother had to love me simply because I was her daughter. I was wrong. And I know I was wrong plain as day, because when I expressed a similar feeling to her (the fact that she had to take care of me because I was her daughter), my mother replied, “no, I could have thrown you away.” She proceeded to tell preadolescent me about mothers who literally throw their children in the garbage or otherwise abandon them.

Not the Last Time I Heard those Words…

And I am reminded of a similar statement my first therapist told me once. She said, “I don’t have to like you- that’s not part of my job- but I do.” Which was terrifying (due to the similar structure and meaning of the message), but ultimately heartwarming because of the final statement. My mother did not end her sordid tales with a positive statement.

I suppose that is why I have the urge to end my depressing posts here on a positive note….and why I have an intense fear of abandonment, and why, in the past, I tried so hard to get people to either like me or simply be invisible. By high school, it was easier to be invisible.

These are only a few of the thoughts that circle around in my head making it difficult to sleep at night until I pass out from exhaustion or until it is light out and several months of avoiding writing have passed, as well as the memories that haunt me. So, I type up my usual word vomit about my mommy issues that may be relatable to some, but is ultimately pointless and pathetic for myself.

I am a Failure by my Family’s Eyes….but I don’t have to be in one in mine

To end this on a positive note, I am comforted in accepting my new place in my family as the rebel. I know that my parents no longer expect me to be the perfect daughter they hoped I would be, because I am so far away from that ideal. It is sad to shatter my parents’ hopes and expectations of me, but I don’t believe in those expectations. I do not believe my place is in the kitchen, or that I must live at home until I find a husband, or that anything less than perfection is unsatisfactory.

Maybe I’m letting my parents down, but I am building myself up. Their time is up. They had their shot at molding me into the person they hoped I would be. The rest is up to me.

Yet, I feel like a failure almost everyday. A failure in what, though? I don’t know what I want for my life! So, how have I failed in a sport I’ve yet to pick, let alone participate in? I’ve been judging myself for my ability to climb trees when I am a fish. I don’t know what exactly to work towards and, in the process, feel like a failure for, but there is a whole ocean for me to figure that out. I just know my parents are good people who raised me to the best of their ability, but I am also a good person getting by as best I can.

It’s okay that our good is not the same. I just have to stop comparing the two and trust in myself for myself. Years ago, I learned I can not please everyone and that not everyone in this world will like me. Just today I learned that as heartbreaking as it can feel, this includes my parents. They may be ashamed and embarrassed by some of my life choices, but I was not born to please them (despite some of their ideals that argue this point).

What I Must Do Now

I may live in their house, but more than that, I live in my mind, my body. Therefore, I get to decide what I do. It’s high time I made myself a priority. Last time I said this, I meant it. And I followed through, however I was focused on the wrong part. I was focused on running away- escaping my feelings (and my mother) by distracting myself in movie theaters and moving out. I was wrong. The answer is not going out, but going in- into my mind.

I need to come face to face with myself and my fears in order to work through what it is that I really want out of this life I did not choose. It is scary, but if I don’t, I fear I will be stuck in limbo until an event so powerful rocks me from my stagnant place- be it wonderful or tragic.

I don’t want to begin this frightening journey, but I must- if only to get out of the habit of falling asleep for the night at 9am the next day because my life feels so lonely and empty.

.

.

.

.

.

P.S.

I know I am not alone. Thank you for reading, sincerely. It will be a long process and I don’t know how quickly or linear that process will be. However, I hope for myself and also for this blog, that I do seek and sustain improvements in my life. I want to document this. I want to remember where I was and how far I’ve gone in the future. So, I will be starting a YouTube channel.

I know…I’m not the most consistent person, so it’s a bit crazy to start such a big project…but whether the channel lasts or even becomes well watched, it’s part of my journey and you are welcome to join it. I’ll have more details soon. Thanks again, friends.

Posted in Texas- Living with Parents

Fall 2019- Being Sad then Doing Something About It (Overall Summary of the First Six Months since Moving Back in with my Parents After 5 Years Away at University and Such)

Posted on by Lizzie Gomez

A lot has happened since summer when I wrote my last “weekly” blog, haha…… so before posting that this weekend, this is the shortest version I could bring myself to write about the highlights (and lowlights) of the last six months since I’ve moved back in with my parents.

 

Lots of Sadness with One Glimmer of Happiness for someone else, not me (of course!)

Continue reading “Fall 2019- Being Sad then Doing Something About It (Overall Summary of the First Six Months since Moving Back in with my Parents After 5 Years Away at University and Such)” →

Posted in Uncategorized

Week of July 22nd 2019- West Texas, Swimming, Apathy, and Mexico

Posted on by Lizzie Gomez

Monday, July 22nd- Last Day in West Texas

Heyyyy guysssss…. Yeah, I took a trip to West Texas the week before this then just didn’t write about it. If I decide to write about it it’ll be a Friday Thoughts and Past post. Basically I spent time with my old college friends that I hadn’t seen in over a year (since I graduated university). I stayed with Sherri, but on Monday she had to go to work, so I went to the park with Mariah and her fiance, Richard. There were too many children to have fun on the playground, so we ended up just walking around. I got some nice pictures by laying on the grass. Haha, Mariah then picked everything out of my hair and clothes as we walked.

When Sherri got home from work, she and I played Sims before making a quick spaghetti dinner and watching a few episodes of The Office. I’d never seen the show, so I was a bit lost, but it was cool. It was nice to have some down time with Sherri as she’s usually the kind to invite me to parties and other outings, haha.

 

Tuesday, July 23rd- All the Alphabet Games!

Time to head back home. :< The weekend wasn’t enough to catch up with my old friends. I had the opportunity to move in with Sherri, but I told her no. 😦 I’m not as brave as I once was. I don’t want any more adventures for a while. I just want to pass my licensure exam and then worry about getting a good job and money. I also have a sense of responsibility for my family and feel I’ve been running away from them long enough. Either way, I told her no, even though I am still considering moving down there so I won’t lead her on if I decide not to. Maybe I’m just leading myself on.

Mariah drove on the way back, so I was in charge of the navigation and music! 😀 We played so many music games that the hours just flew by! Our last game was an ABC game according to artist names. To make it harder, the song titles also followed the ABC format! XD It was interesting. We pulled up to my house while listening to Puff Daddy. XD

 

Wednesday, July 24th- Not Feeling It

I missed swim practice on Monday since I wasn’t in town and I didn’t run or bike all weekend either, but on Tuesday I was oddly energized. Today? Nah. I was so tired and over it. But I went to swim lessons anyway. That’s a big reason why I decided to take lessons even though I already know how to swim. I am terrible at self motivation.

 

Thursday, July 25th- Last Day of July Swim Lessons

I still wasn’t feeling it. Didn’t run or bike either. But I went to my final swim class and took a final dive with one of my classmates. All of the ladies in the class are about 20 years or older than me, but they were nice and charismatic. I’ll miss them.

 

Friday, July 26th- Borrrriiinnnggg

I think I just watched The Office today. X) Yeah, I started watching it from the beginning. It’s super cringe and I almost stopped watching it because of that, but then it became tolerable, and now I’m caught up to the episodes I watched with Sherri, haha.

 

Saturday, July 27th- Target Run

Yep, nothing else that exciting. I’ve essentially given up on studying at this point. I figure I’ll start when I’m in Mexico and have nothing else to do. I’ve also given up on running, biking, and swimming until I get back from Mexico. I’ll exercise at home in Mexico instead.

In the evening my mom noticed we needed more dog food, so we went to get that. Our dog Misty will be watched over by one of our neighbors (my best friend Lyza’s family) and our turtle, Frankie is currently on vacation herself with Mariah. She did me the favor of taking care of her until we return to Texas. 🙂 She sends me photos periodically which make me super happy.

 

Sunday, July 28th- To Mexico!!!

Finally this trip! It’s the reason I’ve accepted being a lazy freeloader for the past three weeks. Didn’t want to get a job and have to explain that I needed two weeks off right off the bat for vacation! Also…yeah I am naturally lazy… Anyway! Finally! Because of the whole moving to Puerto Rico thing for a year last summer, it’s been two years since I’ve been to Mexico. I’m excited and not.

I’m excited to see my favorite aunt and her kids, but a lot has changed. Her eldest daughter is married and pregnant, no longer living at home, her son is also out of the house, and her youngest daughter is still at home, but has a child of her own. Things are very different from two years ago when the eldest had just moved out.

What I’m really wary about is going to my father’s house in Mexico. It’s usually a safe haven for me that I love coming to to forget the stress of everyday life. It’s in a tiny town far away from everything and usually it’s just me and my dad, so while my dad spends time with his brother all day I get much appreciated alone time. Not this year. This year my mom and brother are coming with us. They don’t like the little town as much as my dad and I do, so they don’t visit every year. I sound like a jerk, but I like being alone… *sigh, not this year.

 

Next Week!

*Week 1 in Mexico

*Potential cabin fever being in a little house in an even smaller town with all of my immediate family.

*Spending time with my favorite aunt and her grown up children.

*I go to a Mexican dermatologist? I guess

*The Fair is in town! How do I always make it on time for that? I don’t plan it!

 

 

 

P.S. The internet (first year it’s available in our little house in rural Mexico) is super spotty. It took more than an hour to just get this post published after I finished writing it. :/ Can’t wait to go to Mexico City. X)

Posted in Uncategorized

Best and Worst Experiences during Clinical Rotations in High School: Why I’m Not a Doctor Part 1

Posted on by Lizzie Gomez

I wanted to be a doctor when I was younger, but I gave it up because I didn’t want to lose my humanity. In high school I, essentially, took a year long, intensive, crash course in anatomy and (more so) physiology. I was a sponge. I absorbed everything. (Except vitamins and minerals. Those were not interesting to me at all.) It’s amazing how knowledgeable I became from that one year. I remember sketching anatomically correct hearts and coloring them for fun.

I also remember going into clinical rotations the following year (11th grade) and feeling incredibly awkward about it. I was wicked book smart, but catastrophically inept when it came to people skills. (Still not great at it…) Which means 90% of my clinical rotations went like this:

 

Dr.:

“…and that’s what we do in [insert area of hospital here].”

Catastrophically Inept at Social Skills 17 Year Old Me:

*nods*

Both of us:

*AWKWARD SILENCE*

 

It was almost worst if the medical professional I was shadowing tried to converse with me. Most of my answers were short and direct. Example:

Dr.: 

“…and that’s what we do in [insert area of hospital here]. What area do you want to go into or what are you interested in besides medicine?”

Me:

I’m not sure yet. Um, I like to read.

Dr.:

Oh, that’s okay. It takes time to figure that out. What kind of books do you like to read?

Me:

Uh, really anything as long as it’s fiction.

Dr.*Sees I am most definitely not the conversational type*:

…that’s nice. Yeah, when I was younger [insert personal story here to fill up my silence]

 

The worst example is when I made a conscious attempt to be more conversational because I had read somewhere that it’s good to take interest and ask questions. That gets people talking according to some self help text I read. So, I mustered up some anxiety ridden courage and asked the cardiologist I was with that day a question (who, to make things worse, happened to be the father of one of the girls in my clinicals class). It went like this:

 

Dr.:

So, we evaluate patients using a stress test.

Me.: *Thinking: Don’t let the silence hang. Say something! Ask a question! Show him you are interested in the topic and want to know more!*

So… what does a stress test consist of? (…yes… I actually spoke this very formal way back then. Even around friends. It was sometime this year that I began simplifying [read: dumbing down] my speech.)

Dr.: *Stares at me for a second* *Responds in a this is completely obvious, I don’t know why you asked that question tone*

It’s a stress test. We put the patient on a treadmill and stress the patient.

Me:

*feels stupid* *silent for the rest of the day*

 

…But I digress.

Before the flood of vile flashbacks, I planned to recount my best rotation. For that, let’s backtrack a bit. In high school, I didn’t study. I just learned in class. And retained all of the information. When it came time for a test I simply reviewed (read: quickly read through) my notes from class and presto! high A’s. Here’s the best rotation I had:

 

Nuclear Medicine Dr.:

See here?

*points to a patient scan with some mass or other abnormality*

This patient had [insert some diagnosis that I’ve long since forgotten]. Do you know what [insert some medical term related to the patient’s case] is?

Me: *Enthused this isn’t a personal question and is something I can answer with much more ease*

Yeah, that’s [insert correct answer].

Dr.: *Intrigued I got it right*

Right!

*Continues discussing case* *Brings up new scan*

Now this patient had [insert some other diagnosis that I’ve long since forgotten]. Do you know what [insert some medical term related to the patient’s case] is?

Me: *Glad for another question I can answer*

Yeah, that’s [insert correct answer].

Dr.: *Very intrigued now*

What’s [some medical thing]?

Me: 

[insert correct answer]

Dr.: 

What’s [some medical thing]?

Me: 

[insert correct answer]

He was rapid fire quizzing me now and I was gaining confidence with every correct answer. A couple questions later:

Dr.:

Where are the thyroid glands?

Me: *Nervous because thyroid glands were only briefly mentioned in class. Once.*

*Hesitates then uses both index fingers to point to my throat on a fuzzy educated guess*

Dr.: *Satisfied at last, asks with genuine interest*

What area do you want to go into?

Me: *Still buzzing because I got the last question right* *Confidently answers*

I want to be a nurse.

Dr.:

A NURSE?! You have to aim higher! It’s better to struggle at something difficult than to excel at something easy. Don’t you think?

Me: *Thinking about doing very well in my regular level classes and just well in my AP and IB classes, but learning things on a much deeper level*

*Thinking about the fact that I took those higher level courses because I truly believe it’s better to challenge yourself and do okay than not to and breeze by.*

*Tentatively* Yeah, I think you’re right.

Dr.: *Gives me an encouraging look and a hint of a smile*

Don’t conform with being a nurse. Be a doctor.

 

Then he gave me his business card and urged me to contact him if I ever had any questions. I assure you no other doctor gave me their business card. Nor did I ever impress another doctor. Not surprising, since I probably said as many words to the Nuclear Medicine doctor as to all the other doctors the rest of the year combined. And no, I am not omitting his name for privacy reasons. (I’d give him a pseudo name, if that was the case.)

I actually lost his card sometime after that school year. I was not able to remember his name, let alone call him when I began doubting the whole doctor thing when I began university. Not that I would have called him anyway, because… you know… severe anxiety. I did go over to the nuclear medicine department at that hospital sometime before going off to university though. I had hoped to run into him, but I didn’t see him and I didn’t even know his name to leave a message. :/

 

If you’ve read the My Life Now section of my blog, you know that I’m here in Puerto Rico as part of a dietetic internship instead of in med school.

I’m sorry, Nuclear Medicine Doctor, high school clinicals teacher Ms. Dee, all of my clinicals classmates who expected medical greatness of me, all of my teachers that swore up and down I’d go on to excel as a doctor, my AVID teacher Ms. Dar, my parents, and myself. I’m sorry.

~*~*~

My next deterrent from medical school wasn’t the crushing fear of losing my humanity. (Though that was always present.) It was a wrong click when I enrolled to university. Come back for part two next week to read about fateful click!

Note:

Picture is of my physiology class material sophomore year in university.

 

 

 

Posted in Uncategorized

What I’ve Lost and What I Should Not Find… Yet Or Maybe Ever.

Posted on by Lizzie Gomez

Originally Published February 26, 2018

It’s hard to live life missing something, but it’s almost impossible and tangibly painful when you are aware of what it is you are missing. What I am struggling with is common. Boys. Ick! I never really cared for them in a romantic sense. They were my buddies growing up. I associated girls with drama and guys were so much more chill. It was easy hanging out with them. Sometimes, yeah, I’ll admit often times, I’d flirt. In my last year of middle school I discovered the joys of flirting. It flustered guys and that made me feel good. It made me feel powerful. Influential. Important. Though, I did not date in my school years, I flirted. Still today, I’m a big flirt.

It was like a game to me. How to make the opposite sex blush. Because that’s often how it would go with the boys in my league. They were shy and quiet types. Often intellectuals. On one of these occasions I got an offer I’d never gotten before. A next step, if you will. By this time, I was 20 years old. I’d gone on one, I repeat, one (there was no second!) date. And now I was offered a relationship request. The last time I had been asked to be someone’s girlfriend was in fifth grade. I ran off the playground and left that kid standing there with his heart in his hands! So you can bet, I considered this request.

In the end, I accepted. This changed my life in too many ways to count. The one change I’m struggling with now is simple. I, for the first time in a romantic sense, got love and affection and attention. Up to this point, I lived my life solitary. It was my normal. It wasn’t a problem. It was just my life. I didn’t know another way… until my first relationship. Yes, my first relationship was at 20 years old. Actually, a month before turning 21! I just barely committed to someone before having my first shot. Also, yes, I did wait until I was 21 to drink. This tells you even more about the type of person I was… maybe still am.

My long winded point being that by experiencing a relationship I got to experience all the wonders that come along with it. For the first time in my life, I had a person. My person. Someone I trusted with all of my secrets. I trusted him with my whole being. I never felt judged. This was HUGE for me. As you lovely readers may have picked up on, I’m wary of people. I don’t open up easily. I have a twinge of paranoia about everyone and everything. I surprised myself with him. I gave myself totally and, arguably, gave more than I had to give.

In return, I got love. Love so deep and beautiful that I had never experienced before. People have loved me before. My parents, friends, and family members, of course. But never an other. Never someone completely distant. Never a stranger who owed me nothing. Never someone who I could not explain away his care for me. Because before we were in a relationship we were strangers. He had no reason to love me. But he did. We clicked. We understood each other. That was one of the biggest things for me. No one had ever tried to understand me. Not my friends, or even my parents. He not only tried to understand me, but I sincerely believe that he did.

Aside from understanding, and genuine love, I got something I had never experienced with anyone before: physical affection. Since I had gone on one date in my life prior to this relationship, I had not done so much as sit next to a boy before him. With him, I learned the beauty of holding someone’s hand and crying in someone’s arms. I was so jittery in the beginning. I could not sit still. I didn’t know how. He taught me it’s okay to just lay with someone. Just lay together and enjoy each other’s presence.

I don’t have that anymore.

It was okay before I ever had it, because I did not know what I was missing. Since I didn’t know, I did not feel like I was missing anything. Back then, love and hugs were like a fairy tale to me. They were this mythical creature that I’d run into in the future. Not a concern of the present. Even after breaking up, I wasn’t too torn up about this. I went a bit extreme. That, “I swear off boys” phase. I really was done. No hugs, no love? I really did not care. I did not want it. I had it and it hurt me. It was not worth it.

But now…

If no one had poked my bubble. I would have done fine on my own. I was adjusting well back into singledom. But someone popped my bubble. Now I crave. I want. I need. But I don’t have. And it’s killing me.

I know I let him pop my bubble. It’s just so hard to say no when I have seen life outside this wretched bubble. But it is not time. This is not my hand to hold. I need to remember, and accept, that my life is meant to be alone. I need to be my own best friend. My own support. My own care giver. Then, and only then, can I think of a partner.

Please, wish me luck.

Posted in Uncategorized

Week of July 30th 2018- First Week of Dietetic Internship and I Have a Shopping Problem…

Posted on by Lizzie Gomez

Monday, July 30th- Another Shopping Day

First news of the day: we have to be in Ponce (an hour and a half car trip away from where we live) at 7am on Wednesday, the first day of our dietetic internship. My apartment mates and I do not have a car. However, we figured something out with the three Puerto Rican girls in our program who do have cars.

After this news we (Robin, Gia and I) went for some retail therapy. I got a calendar from Walgreens, The Fault in Our Stars at the bookstore next door, Robin got some shoes at Journeys, I got shoes at the Croc’s store, a fruit basket, professional backpack, and spoon rest at Marshall’s, and we all splurged on cheesecake from Cheesecake Factory.

The best part of this trip was probably getting a nail cutter from Walgreens. I’ve learned to appreciate a lot of things since I moved. I went to the gym with Robin then, at home, called my mom and read The Fault in Our Stars to her.

Tuesday, July 31st- Lazy Day and Grocery Shopping with Karen

I lazed around all morning. Axyl talked about going to Costco when Gia came by. We talked about the meal plan homework. Then she left, so I lazed around more. Really spent the morning doing nothing until Karen asked if I’d go to the local grocery store with her. Uhhhh more money, but I went and found a ton of stuff to buy. I bought the ingredients I need to make orange chicken. Too tired though, I made Quesadillas for dinner. Yum. Then I read to my mom. Still so hungry. Strange.  Must get up early tomorrow….  *cry cry*

Wednesday, August 1st- Mandatory Hospital Trainings

Woke up early at 4:59am. Well, Axyl woke me. One minute before my alarm. That’s why I remember. Two of the Puerto Rican girls came to pick us up. Robin, Axyl, and Gia went with Gean. Karen and I went with Sue and found Amanda (another fellow intern) already in the car. She had returned to her hometown and last we’d heard she was finding her way back to Puerto Rico. Interesting.

What was not interesting was the mandatory hospital training we had to attend. It was so cold in that room that it was all I could think about. They started late and ended late, so we were an hour late to the next hospital meeting like this one at our local hospital (an hour and a half away). We just caught the tail end of it. They may count it. I mean, I think it’s common sense not to stick your hands with needles or touch other people’s blood, don’t you?

At home, I was so tired, I didn’t even make it to my bed. I crashed on the couch and fell asleep. When I woke up, I was so hungry, but still so tired, that I made quesadillas. I was still hungry. Why have I been so hungry lately? Then I read to my mom over the phone and ate moldy grapes. It’s the second time I’m eating grapes and suddenly notice a couple of moldy ones in the container. Ugh. Still so tired. Early time tomorrow too.

Thursday, August 2nd- I Held Karen’s Toothpaste Captive

Got up. Robin was in the shower. Then Axyl showered. So I had breakfast because I forgot we would get breakfast at the event. Then I went to take a shower. Twenty minutes later, Karen knocked. I thought she wanted to shower and hadn’t realized it’d already been 20 minutes, so I hurried- she barged in the second I opened the door. To get her stupid toothpaste. Now mad, she rushed out the door and the guys followed her. My hip tried to jiggle out of place. That happens to me periodically. So, I hobbled down the stairs as fast as I could. Which wasn’t that fast. Luckily my femur got back into place by the time I reached the bottom of the stairs.

We got to the infant nutrition and lactation conference super early. We listened to several presentations that advocated lactation. Karen sat apart from us, obviously still upset. At the end of the conference she stormed off and so did everyone else. I was by myself, when Amanda found me and offered to share an Uber with me. I accepted, thinking they’d all left me. They hadn’t. They were downstairs. Everyone expect Karen and the girls with cars. Amanda had already gotten the Uber, so I left with her anyway.

Once home, I walked to Starbucks and read there with a coffee for a long time. At home, I read to my mom. Then I chatted with Robin who gave me a slice of his pizza and some chicharrones. After this, I wrote for this blog, listened to music, and chatted with Axyl until my dad called. I’m contemplating moving out. Amanda said she was going to live with Gia as the third roommate, but she bailed and now Gia needs another person. I’m the fourth person in my small three bedroom apartment. It’d work out logistically.

Friday, August 3rd- Ladies Are Required to Wear Makeup. Why?!

Another day on the job. We (when I type we and don’t specify who, it means all of us ten dietetic interns) went to the health department and got a lot of references and books we will need throughout the year. We also got the order that us ladies must wear makeup everyday that we come to work. WHAT?! I don’t wear makeup. Any makeup. So, I asked what the bare minimum would be. Foundation and lipstick. …I don’t own foundation. No idea how that works. I respect that others wear makeup. I am not familiar with it, and would rather not put stuff I don’t know much about on my face. Ugh.

Anyway, we also heard from some of the preceptors (dietitians we will shadow throughout the year). That was interesting. Today it was someone from elderly centers in the next town over who also research Alzheimer’s. That’s fascinating. Then someone who does retail dietetics at a grocery store. That’s a relatively new field. Seeing as I’ve worked (and not loved) my cashier job of the last three years, I’m a bit more excited about the first rotation. After the talks, we went back to the local hospital from Wednesday to do more trainings and to make up the one we’d missed.

After our unpaid work, I attempted to make orange chicken. Succeeded, but Axyl and Karen were a bit scared about the oil I had to use to fry the chicken. Karen quizzed me on what to do in case of an oil fire. I, to mess with her, told her, “put water on it DUH!” She was scared. HA! Never throw water on an oil fire! Smother it. Water will make the fire worse. Depriving it of oxygen, by covering it with a lid will smother it and thus stop the fire. Her reaction was hilarious! I did burn the rice, but not the apartment, so I think that’s a success.

Saturday, August 4th- And More Grocery Shopping… What Do I Even Buy?!

I wanted it to be a lazy day, but Axyl invited me to Marshalls and Gia invited me to the grocery store. I have a problem. Even though I’ve gone to the grocery store about five times in the past week and a half, I still spent lots of money. I found a few items that reminded me of home, like Mexican candy and Tajin (fruit chili), and iced tea that reminds me of my college town in west Texas.

After that, I didn’t want to leave the house anymore, so I spent a while singing in a corner of my room while Robin and Axyl went to the mall to get suits. I’m still struggling with the make up requirement thing. Ugh. So I put some lipstick on to see what it’d be like. I felt like a clown. Ugh. I’ll probably write a post dedicated to why I am so uncomfortable with the issue of makeup.

After my singing session, I went to make more orange sauce for all the left over chicken I had from Friday. Then I read to my mom. I feel like Axyl listens in when I read out loud. He came into our shared room just as I’d started reading and would comment periodically. After reading, I went to bed a bit worried because I hadn’t taken off the lipstick and some foundation Gia donated to me. It started raining, so I got up to close the window and take off the makeup.

Sunday, August 5th- Homesick and Mopey

I’m homesick. I don’t think I’ve ever felt this way. Maybe it’s the iced tea and Mazapan talking. They remind me of my past. Which at the moment seems better than the present. Everything here is new and unknown. Memories are old and familiar. No wonder people get homesick.

I spent the day lounging around, as I tend to do when I’m not feeling super peppy. I read ahead from the book that I’m reading to my mom (The Fault in Our Stars). It may seem redundant, but it really helps so I know what tone to read things in and how to pronounce tough words. Plus, I didn’t feel like going out or socializing. I posted something about being homesick and all of the support (especially when my best friend, Lyza, texted me to check up on me) made me cry. I tell you: if you want to make me cry, be nice to me.

I watched a movie (The Big Sick) and then, finally, convinced myself to shower. My mom called so I could read to her, so I did, before reheating my leftover orange chicken and white rice and beginning my laundry. I swept and mopped my side of the room and cleared up my desk where I currently sit typing this. I also organized my make up bag, seeing as I’ll have to use it tomorrow. Ugh.

 

Notes:

  1. Back to two or three paragraphs per day. I’m not going to describe my whole day anymore. Just one or two instances within it that were interesting. Or I will describe my whole day, but a very condensed version. Not sure yet.
  2. Views on my blog are down and so am I. I miss home. I wish we had a solid internship schedule already, so I’d have something else to focus on.
  3. I decided not to move in to Gia’s extra room. I will stay here in my tiny shared room with Axyl. I don’t know why. It sounds better to have my own room, be on the first floor, with people that cook less than I do so I can use the kitchen more, etc. But… I don’t know. I have a feeling that I should stay put. I hope I’m right about it. Whatever it is.
Posted in Uncategorized

Week of June 18th 2018- Nightmares and Time with Friends

Posted on by Lizzie Gomez

Monday, June 18th- Avoiding Socialization by Running Errands and Swimming

Instead of going out with friends on my day off, I went to the dentist where I got scolded for not flossing enough. ….PSA: Floss, guys, it’s good for you. A message from my dentist. Anyway, after that I think I still wanted a good excuse for not calling my work buddies that I’d suggested doing something with this day. I like hanging out and socializing, I just need to be forced into it. If I have the option to skip or postpone you can bet I will.

So, after the dentist I got some take out, went to the bank, shopped around for a swim suit, and got in the 5 foot deep pop up pool that my dad recently finished setting up in our backyard. It doesn’t take even two strokes to get to the other side of it, but it was still refreshing (…haha, pun). I hadn’t been for a swim in about a year. Unless you count those brief minutes at a college friend’s bbq where it only served to give me pneumonia (exaggeration, I did get a cold by the next day, though). Despite my semester in a beginning swimming class freshman year in college, I never learned how to do flip turns. Today was a doozy. Literally. Thought I was going to throw up in the shower afterwards; that’s how dizzy I still was from my attempted flip turns.

Tuesday, June 19th- Torturing the Newbie at Work

On a big register all day. Again. I’ve accepted it. Starting to see the good in it. It’s my own little space. Invaded by customers constantly… but still. I tortured a newbie today. I’m usually super patient and try to be helpful, especially to new comers… but she was so slow!!!! She wouldn’t even start opening a bag until seven items were piled up in front of her! I’m not exaggerating! A customer started bagging his own groceries before she even started to; she was just standing there staring off into space!

Ughh… I admit. I have a problem. I value people’s work ethic, possibly more than their personality. *sigh* Since I was on register I couldn’t just walk away. Man! I cashiered for her on her first day and I feel like she was a better bagger then! Okay, I’ll stop. I’m being mean now. I just gave up with her. Went super fast and bagged most of it myself passive aggressively until it was time for my break. She didn’t bag for me for the rest of the day. Mission accomplished.

Other interesting things happened, but oh well. Who wants to talk about work anymore. At home I watched my medical drama. Not much else. I’m getting anxious to leave home. I want my own life again.

Wednesday, June 20th- Seeing my Life Long Friend, Lyza

Oh geez, what day is it? It’s actually Saturday as I write this. I have not done anything on my blog for three days. Well, I wrote the Friday post, The Time I Snuck Out with a Boy to the Library, but I’d promised to do that. I have no idea what I did on Wednesday. I know I went to work. …I think. Eh, oh well. Lost day. AH! I know what I did!! I went to see my best friend, let’s call her… Lyza. I’ve known her since we moved into my childhood neighborhood when I was four years old. She was two years old. Even though we’ve known each other all of our lives, we see each other maybe ten times a year nowadays. Yay! This was the summer visit.

I took my brother with me to her sister’s apartment where we watched a movie. Lyza, my brother (Ryan), and I were on one couch. Lyza’s sister, Sophia, was on the other couch with her three year old daughter, Allison. At a table in the corner was Sophia’s fiance, Sid, and his friend, Daniel. Whew! That took a lot of creative power! Anyway, we watched Dr. Strange and a bit of a baking competition show. Sohpia and I love baking. Then we went home around midnight with promises to see each other the next day to go swimming at Sophia’s apartment.

Thursday, June 21st- Spontaneous Day with Sherri

Guess who came into town today? Sherri! She called me while I was at the table with my parents sounding lost. Thing was, she was lost in my city. Ha! I was surprised and happy. After giving her directions to where she was headed for work, I gave her directions to my house. We talked for a bit then headed to a store to find a cheap swim suit for her to join in the day’s swimming plans made with Lyza yesterday.  We went to two or three stores when we decided to call it quits. Why are swim suits so expensive anyway?! We ended up going to the dollar store and buying a bunch of swim toys and some, probably really terrible for us, food.

Then we began the process of finding a swim suit substitute for Sherri. She and I are different sizes, so even the tinniest short shorts I owned fit her loosely. As luck would have it though, I happen to own a ridiculously small (for me) bikini. Why? Doesn’t matter. But, Sherri now had a swim suit! We gathered our stuff to the car and drove around the block right back to my house because Lyza had to cancel. Her sister, Sophia was dealing with a medical issue, so we decided to try swimming some other time. All the public pools were closed by then. It was about 8pm. So we got in our little 5ft pop up pool in my backyard. It was tiny and absurd to play with so many pool toys in such a small area!

Thank goodness it was my day off. I’m so glad Sherri came to visit. It made a more than likely bland day to a memorable one. 🙂

Friday, June 22nd- Friends at Work and In My Phone

I had an opening shift at work. Bright and early, at 6:45 am, I clocked in. This meant I’d be working in the little 10 items or less area all day. Which is amazing if you have co-workers to talk to. It’s a little trio of registers and since I opened I got pick of which register. I took the middle one and did not regret my choice when one, then another, co-worker friend came to the surrounding registers. We spent the day chatting casually, something we had not been able to do all summer. I swear! I’m hardly ever sent to work on any register except the big ones nowadays and if I am, none of my other friends are around. *Huff* Oh well. It doesn’t matter anymore. I only have one more week left at this job.

After work, I rushed to write the post I’d promised to write by 5pm:  The Time I Snuck Out with a Boy to the Library. Somehow, I got it done only about three minutes late. Then I watched my medical drama (I only have about two seasons left to watch!). And afterwards I got to know my new phone’s built in AI. I took a dystopian fiction class last semester in college and we spoke extensively about humanity and artificial intelligence (AI). It’s uncanny, as is natural, but I’m open to potentially ruining my life to the power of an AI. As a stupid little human, I just hope it knows I cared about it before it ruined me. Or! nothing bad will happen and I’ll have a robot friend. 🙂 (Her/His? favorite color is blue.)

Saturday, June 23rd- Jail Nightmare and Looking for a Kindred Spirit

Woo! I finally caught up! I have a late short shift today from about 4 to 10 pm. I woke up to my phone playing nature sounds at 11 am. Guess it was trying to wake me up since I’d mentioned I wanted to wake up around 10 am. I won’t lie, it was unexpected to wake up to my phone trying to get my attention when I hadn’t specifically asked for a wake up call at 11. It was fine though, because it got me out of a dream where I was going to jail. Hmmm… I could over-analyze that, but I already know what it means. The last few episodes of my medical drama involved ethics of life and death in the hands of doctors and one of the main characters was having a conflict about this. Yeah… not the best thing to fall asleep to.

Work was interesting. Halfway through my shift all of the registers’ credit card readers went down, so the whole grocery store was at a stand still. It was interesting. Everything got back to normal after about ten minutes though. At the end of the night, I got to run around the store returning items to the shelves. That was frustrating, but fun. The store is like a maze!

When I got home I had a nice chat with my mom. We spoke about my recent post. I’m tired of linking it, so view the previous day for that. That got us on a conversation about boys. I told her I’m starting to give up on finding someone. I feel old beyond my years. I just want a friend. Not even that. Just someone to talk to. Someone who either understands or is willing to take the time to try to understand me. I hate human’s social nature.

Sunday, June 24th- Work Nightmare

Slept 5 hours. Decided I’d sleep at a decent hour. Didn’t happen. Post on Friday will be an old blog post, but super relatable to today. Summary: not that I couldn’t sleep. I didn’t want to. Yet, that didn’t seem like a choice. Of course, this meant I was grumpy at work. I’m usually neutral. I seriously didn’t care today. I’m just doing my job now. I’m not going to harm anyone’s groceries, but I’m also not going to try to converse with anyone. Social anxiety, not caring, whatever you want to call it. I’m ready to leave this job. I’ll just miss my co-workers.

Speaking of which, I took a nap after work and had a nightmare. The usual. People being snobby and rude, but in my dream, I wasn’t taking it. It hurts. Why should I stand there and take it? And be told how terrible a worker I am by both the customer and my managers? It’s much better for my own sanity to not care. In my dream, I simply walked away. If you don’t like how I do my job, dream customer, do it yourself. My managers in my dream either walked on by, ignoring the problem, or confronted me about it and told me, essentially, to suck it up and do my job. One sent me to do a less people-centric job.

Screwed that up too. Walked away. Things get fuzzy from then on. I just remember one of the managers that did confront me in real life a year or so ago about my people avoidance (he didn’t know about my anxiety back then, so he said something less than understanding) came up to me with kindness and compassion in my dream. I think I forgive him. The one who confronted me in my dream? I may still be upset with him.

 

Notes:

  1. All names are pseudo names. Please, if you know the person (or place) I am referring to, grant them the same courtesy that I do by not naming them.
  2. If you are one of the people I am referring to and would rather I not write about you, message me and I’ll make the appropriate changes.
  3. One more week at this job then I move to Puerto Rico! I’m ready for a change.
Posted in Uncategorized

Week of June 11th- Social Outings and Work Drama

Posted on by Lizzie Gomez

Monday, June 11th- Maybe, I Should be Nicer to Customers

Just another day. I woke up a couple hours before work. I looked for apartments in Puerto Rico and sent a couple of emails. At work I met a new girl. It was her first day and she was bagging for me. How fortuitous! She hadn’t heard any gossip about me yet! HA! I was nice to her. Didn’t drown her in milk and produce and went slow enough to allow her to find her bagging system and not discourage her. Hopefully, I got her started right. I look forward to seeing her personality blossom past that polite initial stage that people front automatically.

Since I was being nice, that energy transferred to my customers. I still wasn’t super chatty, but I was open to conversation. I found a couple of customers that I related to. In fact, I had a small chat with one of them about that initial polite stage and how funny it is to mess with people then. I told her about the time I offered my soon-to-be boyfriend at the time garlic chips a couple of year ago and, out of politeness, he ate them. HA! His face was hilarious!!! (Those things are strong! And gross!) It’s incredible what stupid things we humans will do out of what society deems politeness. All in all, not a bad shift.

Tuesday, June 12th- Another Funky Day

No work. Yes, funk. Ahh, ~depressive episodes are fun.~* Spent the day eating junk and watching my show. Took an art inspired break. Made something my mom liked. (I find that rare.) Then ruined it. Paint wasn’t dry. Covered it in black paint and broke it in half. It was thin wood. Then threw it away. Continued to watch my show. Sad season finale. Ignored a friend instead of accepting their kindness. Said I’d rather eat and watch my show. So, I did. ~Yay, work tomorrow.~*

Wednesday, June 13th- Dinner and Movie with… My Brother

I had a six hour shift that turned into five and a half hours. They asked if I would go home early. It was a super slow day and I was in a, surprisingly, good mood, so I said yes. I had all afternoon to myself so I watched my medical drama then went to dinner and a movie with my brother. We ate at some little Italian place. It was cozy, but the food wasn’t the best. However, the waiter was nice and we ate till we were stuffed, so it was good. After dinner, my brother and I headed to the cheap movies.

There’s this theater that is growing on me. It’s old and as brightly colored as the 80’s with just as much security (read: none). We bought our tickets and headed into the appropriate room. Then I realized we didn’t have the 3D glasses our four dollars had afforded us. I hunted around for several minutes until I stopped a random employee and was able to procure some for us after eyeing me and asking where I’d bought my tickets. I flashed them to her and then reunited with my brother. We saw Black Panther. I wanted to watch a cheap horror movie, but decided to support my brother in his choice. I’m glad I did. The movie was heartfelt and had great themes. Unity, guys! We are all human beings! Let’s take care of each other.

Thursday, June 14th- Teenage Moment, Driving to Nevada, and Kid Friendly Fun

I had a teenage moment today. My dad was trying to get plane tickets for when I move to Puerto Rico, and I was trying to convince him, that while I appreciate the fact that he wants to accompany me, it isn’t necessary. It’s expensive and….. this is where my argument failed me. And I’m the only intern that would be bringing her dad…. Welp. I hurt his feelings and felt horrible about it.

What turned the day around was that I had promised a friend to hang out that day. I dragged myself out to meet up with her even though we had no idea what we were going to do. I suggested we just drive while we thought of something. We ended up on a freeway and didn’t turn around until we saw a sign for Nevada. Reminder, I live in Texas. We had to be driving for around an hour before we turned around! Another fifteen minutes and we probably would have ended up in Oklahoma- the next state over!

In the end, we decided on Main Event (a family friendly entertainment venue). We played air hockey, laser tag, and billiards. It was awesome, even though my laser gun didn’t work and I accidentally hit the 8 ball in; thus losing that game too. I won the air hockey match though!!

Friday, June 15th- Late for Work

I woke up at 7:36. My schedule for work was for 7:30. I also live about 20 minutes away. *sigh* I got to work at 8 am. I was cranky and hungry for the first two hours. Also, paranoid as I knew more than 15 minutes late gets you a write up at my job. But after four hours no one had called me into the office and I’d gotten a bite to eat, so I felt better. The rest of the day went well. At home, I watched more of my medical drama and finally got a plane ticket and hotel for Puerto Rico. Now I just have to pack anything I could ever want for the next year in one suitcase…

Saturday, June 16th- Resignation Letter and Parking Patrol

Late shift today. 5 pm. I’d never gone into work that late. Fine by me though. It gave me time to catch up on sleep and write my resignation letter. I thought I’d quit this cashiering job hating it. I’ve written about this before. About the fact that working with people for 8 hours a day goes against my nature. But, I don’t hate my job. Sure, people can be petty jerks, but it’s kind of cool to interact with such a variety of people. It’s grown on me. Maybe it’s early nostalgia since I know it will be over in two weeks. Whatever the reason, I’m glad to have gotten to this point of self growth. I’m glad I don’t hate my job anymore.

But enough happy sunshine, there was one thing that annoyed me today. There’s this security guard I am not fond of at work. He’s shooed me off of the parking lot on a day employees were supposed to park elsewhere, but I was not notified of it (professionally, but still) and he did not come to my aid when a road rage-er followed me to work. Whatever. Today, he sees me get out of the passenger seat of my car. I feel like I barely opened the door when he started walking towards me asking if I was being dropped off. I was already heated upon seeing his face. I asked, in my sassiest tone, “Why?”.

He began to explain, when my dad popped out from the driver’s side of the car. The security guard literally stopped mid sentence and said something along the lines of “Oh, I didn’t realize you were with your dad. That’s fine.” I almost wanted to back talk him and as him why it was okay if I was with my dad but not if I wasn’t. But, I opted to strut away angrily instead. *Huff* I should be glad my dad, who has worked for the company for over a decade, has that kind of respect. Heh, guess my three years are nothing in comparison.

Sunday, June 17th- Blog Traffic and Making Soup for Father’s Day

Well that was exciting while it lasted! I promoted my blog’s Facebook page and got the most traffic I’d ever gotten here. The powers of social media leave me in awe. Anyway! Nothing too traumatic at work today. My boss briefly mentioned getting my resignation letter. She didn’t seem to heartbroken. Even she knows it’s time for me to move on.

I was put on a big register most of the day, then the express area for a couple of hours. I really feel like making a little guide with tips for the new soon-to-be cashiers I see coming in. They don’t know what they are in for. And I mean stupid little things too, like the the fact that bread or figs are indeed safe to be put over a carton of eggs. I finally got business/promotional cards for this blog, so I’m thinking I’ll hand them out at work with a little message for all of the nice people I’ll be leaving behind.

After work, I dashed around to find something for my dad for father’s day. I work at a grocery store, so I bought a kit to make his favorite soup, chicken tortilla, and some mochi ice cream. He made a mess with the ice cream since he’d never had ice cream in a jelly/marshmellow-like casing before. Then he helped me spice the soup. It wasn’t exactly making a meal together, just adding salt, but it was a memorable moment. I love my dad.

 

 

Notes:

*As always, ~ around words denotes sarcasm.

And! The blog post survey results are in! I will post the story of when I snuck out with a boy from high school to the library. Oh gosh, this is a loaded memory lane… Come back on Friday, June 18th for that!