Tag: Friends

Posted in Thoughts and the Past

I Need a Hug… but Don’t Touch Me [with Audio]

Posted on by Lizzie Gomez

My instinct is to reach out to people. As I write this, it is 6:40 AM. I have not gone to sleep for the night and I feel unsettled. I feel on the verge of an anxiety attack yet I feel numb. I’m not sure how to describe it. The thing is I want human connection… which is something I never thought I would want at a moment like this. I was taught to never show my vulnerabilities to people. Not even, especially not, to my family. Feelings, especially negative ones, are a burden especially to others. So they are shameful. They must be kept secret.

I learned to only share the best parts of myself. I became the comic relief. Even if you don’t think I’m funny or if a joke didn’t land I would turn that failure into the joke. I preferred people look at me as stupid or silly or anything… but real. Now however… amongst all my friends… I find myself wanting to be their person. I want to be the person they turn to if they ever need to vent. I want to take their pain away. Any pain, at any time. I have been that friend who answers calls at 3 AM. Meanwhile, it’s 6:46AM and I feel lost.

The Selfless Friend

I have been very frustrated these past few weeks because I know a friend of mine is struggling at the moment. I’m worried about her. We had a great in depth chat about a month ago, but life’s busy and we haven’t been able to meet up since then. She opened up and told me about some very real and cruel treatment she’s been getting from people close to her. This makes me incredibly angry for her. I wish I could help her. She doesn’t deserve it and frankly no one does. I’ve been through similar issues, but not to that extent. Regardless of that, I just want her to know I am here with whatever I can do for her…

but she won’t ask anything of me. And that hurts my soul. I want so badly to be there for her. I reached out for a time and kept asking to hang out when she had a spare second. Nothing fancy, just going for a drive or even just studying together. (We are both stressed out about college classes among other things.) This person is the most selfless person I know and it hurts that I can’t treat her even a fraction of the way as well as she has treated me in all these years of friendship.

I understand though. I don’t push it. Years ago, I was the same way. I would rather walk through fire than ask even the smallest favor from anyone. I made my life so complicated. Maybe this isn’t everyone, but there are kind, caring people out there and a lot of them naturally want to help. To an extent I would say we as human beings are conditioned to be helpful. Not everyone, of course, but think about it. After we do something good for someone, we feel good. If that’s not positive reinforcement, I don’t know what is.

My point is, I did not see it that way. I still saw my role in life as a helper. I was meant to help others not to be helped. It wasn’t until I lived on my own in university and began therapy that I was able to let go of this idea that if I wasn’t helping others, I was hurting them. Now I ask. I’m okay with showing the people close to me that I would like their help and in some cases that I can’t do something (or it will be unnecessarily difficult) without them. I have learned to trust that the friends I keep will not maintain score or throw whatever I struggle with back in my face. Part of that was learning my worth and only keeping friends that respect me, but I digress.

This is a lesson my friend has to learn on her own. I know she will one day love herself as much as me and her other friends do… but I know that will take time. I can’t force her to open up to me and honestly, even when she does, I never know what to say. I’m best at listening. Yet, I think that’s okay. From my understanding, that’s a main problem she deals with. She takes it upon herself to take care of everyone in her life that she does all the listening/understanding and very little of the speaking/being understood. I just want her to know she’s heard. That I hear her and I care. …all I can do is be here when she’s ready. And I will be.

Comment from my Ex that I Can’t Get Out of my Head

What does this have to do with it being 7:06AM and me writing a post for my long forgotten blog? The reason I’m here right now is that I find this pattern with more than just her. I have another friend who, whenever I talk to him I feel guilty. He’s an amazing listener and makes me feel so comfortable being real with him. I am a complete open book with him, because I have come to trust him. I don’t believe he would ever intentionally hurt me or judge me or anything like that. Yet. He opens up sometimes to me, but I feel like it’s not enough. I feel like he’s so much better at being supportive than I am.

I don’t mean this as a competition, rather as an unbalanced relationship. Thing is, I’m not sure if this is in my head or if it is a real thing he might be feeling too. Further complicating this is a past comment from my ex that still plagues me. We tried to stay friends after the break up. For me this meant, keeping the spoken relationship the same. Conversations were still open and honest. Only difference was no physical relationship or flirting and no what I would call couple talk (being too involved in his personal life like good morning, good night texts or planning for the future, that sort of thing). To me those were the things that made a relationship a romantic one. However one day, my ex told me that I was still talking to him like we were together.

If I trust you, you better get ready, because I will tell you the backstory to anything you ask. I will let you see all of my scars, dreams, and fears. I will not hold back. It doesn’t matter if you are my friend or romantic partner. The verbal intimacy for me is the same. Hearing his comment made me so insecure. It made me feel like I was being that stereotypical, clingy, pushy girl burdening the stereotypical, strong, stoic male. I know better now, but I still can’t shake the feeling he instilled in me. Now, especially with men, (because I was raised with that gender as my eventual future spouse) I feel so conflicted. As long as I can remember I’ve felt more comfortable around males than females. We are not diving into that right now as this post is long enough already.

As I got older that transformed from hanging out with groups of guys to developing strong relationships with only a couple people who became confidants of sorts for me. Whatever the reason, I went into adulthood trusting guys with more of my thoughts and feelings than anyone else. Can you see why my ex’s comment affected me as much as it did? Essentially what I got out of that conversation is, “See these group of people you’ve trusted most for pretty much your whole life? Yeah, you’re making a fool of yourself. You’re being the annoying, needy, girl you’ve never wanted to be by being open and real with these people. How pathetic.”.

Obviously, this is my interpretation of it and he likely has no idea how much that offhand comment affected me, but I still can’t shake it. I find myself naturally sharing more with my guy friends. Thankfully they are wonderful men who do not make me feel guilty for speaking about myself and my feelings. They are amazingly supportive of everything I do which is pretty much the opposite of my ex. Yet! I still feel guilty. I feel like I talk too much, I’m too self absorbed and I’m that stereotypical girl that I don’t want to be.

My friends have not complained, but maybe they are too kind to do so. I’ve had some blunt (read: mean) friends who have straight up told me to shut up before. Multiple times… Like I said though, I believe the friends I have now are kinder and more supportive. Maybe they wouldn’t say anything no matter how annoying or how much of a burden I am. Or, on the other hand, maybe they are like me and they find joy in being there for me. Thing is, I want to be there for them too. …but I can’t force other’s to open up to me as previously discussed and even if they do, again I feel like I suck at supporting them.

Is there a Point to this Mess?

Are you still here? I really can’t understand why as many people read my blog as they once did. I say “once did” because it’s been months since I’ve published anything and I don’t blame anyone for forgetting about my blog. If this reaches one person I’d be shocked. Everything I write for this wretched blog of mine is basically word vomit with either 20 or 0 points.

Time for the big reveal! Guess what I originally came on here to write about? How I feel anxious and generally not okay right now. How I’m surprised that instead of self isolating and bottling up my feelings like I had been taught to do for years, I want to reach out to someone and talk things out or even just be in someone else’s presence and feel better by that alone. However… something stops me. Even the friends I feel comfortable going to with my innermost feelings… I feel like a hassle or like I’ll be too much. I want to talk, but the only thing I let myself want is to listen.

I wouldn’t mind not even talking about my problems. At this point I just want company. I have good friends…but everyone is busy. If they’re not, the problem is me because I won’t allow myself to vent. I don’t want to inconvenience anyone or have them find me as too much. I grew up told I was dramatic and that I was too sensitive. My feelings were dismissed and invalidated. Now, I don’t need anyone to do that for me. I invalidate myself easily and frequently. This whole post in fact, I think, is one big dramatic of mine. I feel like I don’t make any sense and I’m complaining for nothing.

After all, my friends are great. If I told them I was struggling right now, I know they would support me however they could…the problem (as usual in my mind) is me. Whatever the reason, I’m the one scared to open up now. That’s on me.

Ultimately, I don’t think this post had a point. I’m sorry for wasting your time and mine on this trash heap. It’s 7:47AM. I guess I’ll go keep waiting for one of my friends to want to hang out. I asked a couple of them for like three days to hang out to which they said definitely but either made no specific plans or had to reschedule…. so I’m going to stop being a bother and just wait until they want to. No more pushing. I don’t like being needy… or begging anyone for anything. Wanting to be in the presence of other human beings should be mutual for it to be the most enjoyable, I think.

Man, I think I need therapy round… whatever number I’m on, because clearly I still have some unresolved issues… Moral of the pointlessly long post: go to therapy. This is your sign. If you can, do it. Believe it or not, I used to be much more messed up. If you don’t believe me, read the story about why I began going to therapy in the first place… Okay, I’ll stop now. Get back to your lives. I hope it’s less chaotic than whatever I just wrote!

Posted in My Life Now, Texas- Living with Parents

Weeks of January 20th and 27th 2020- Work Woes, Weight Woes, and Workout Woes… Then a Reawakening.

Posted on by Lizzie Gomez

Yeah, it happened again. I was really sad. I skipped a week and almost another of blogging. Yep. It’s going to keep happening. But I’ve decided to do a joint recap instead of try to piece together whatever that mess was. Here’s the important bits:

 

Week of January 20th 2020

 

  • I found out I’d lost a pound of weight since the week prior.
    • I hadn’t really done anything to make that happen except being more conscious of my snacking and not being excessive with that.

 

  • I applied for a job at a hospital.
    • I’ve been really mentally blocked for a long time and just can’t bring myself to move forward in my life. Now I finally have my dietetic license and can apply for jobs in my career, but my heart hasn’t been in it. I’m so tired of being rejected. (Not from jobs per se, but in general. Especially since my internship, but also in recent personal matters.) Axyl gave me the real-talk chat I needed and I mustered up the energy to apply for one job. Still waiting on word from that hospital.

 

  • I replied to a health food company. 
    • This company seemed interesting and though they reached out to me to work for them as a cashier (well below my abilities now that I am licensed) I genuinely wanted to learn more about the company and network. I decided to meet with the CEO/ founder later in the week.

 

  • I met a guitarist in my piano class. 
    • He didn’t have his book, so I offered to share mine with him. We got to talking and it seems he’s also from a different discipline like me. Because of his experience with guitar and my experience with singing, we both know the very basics of music like notes and rhythm and such, so the class went pretty slow and we spent a lot of it chit chatting.

 

  • I didn’t go to the gym most of or the whole week.
    • I can’t really tell from my bullet points from last week. I think I didn’t go a single day…

 

  • I met with the founder of the health food company. 
    • He was not like I expected. Very stereotypical. I won’t even go into detail. Let’s just say, I’m glad I’m not working for him.

 

  • I got really sad because of that meeting. Vented to a friend. Had a fallout with said friend.
    • Tears in my cereal the next day. I’m not even joking about that. : ( Axyl gave me a pep talk and I felt better. I decided to let that relationship go. At least the way I was going about it. Why put in effort to be told to back off?

 

 

Week of January 27th 2020

 

  • Found out I’d gained 5 pounds in the last week.
    • Officially obese category II (BMI 35). New highest weight I’ve ever been.
    • That’s what being very sad and giving in to emotional eating will do to ya.

 

  • Opening up more in sign language class. 
    • It’s easier now that there’s only like 10 students instead of 30 last semester. I think I surprised my professor since he and the rest the class are used to seeing me as the quiet, smart kid. That’s the way I usually present myself in most places. A lot of people don’t get to see my dark, funny side. Ha, this class won’t know what’s coming!

 

  • Getting bored in piano class. 
    • It’s very much a beginning piano class and apart from some much needed practice sight reading. It seems I know the basics. Didn’t even feel like chatting with the guitarist.

 

  • Decided to start eating healthier one step at a time instead of trying to do everything “perfectly”
    • I know how complicated nutrition can be, but I also know how simple it can be too. I decided it doesn’t matter what I think about myself or how scared I am to be skinnier. This has gotten out of hand and I can’t keep putting it off and gaining 5 more pounds every time I get knocked down by life. There’s not next week, or starting Monday, or maybe if I feel like it. It’s now. It’s starting simple and building on it. It’s slow, but steady. It’s Wednesday. I started eating healthier on a Wednesday. I decided to start with the most basic thing. I know there are more than two dozen essential vitamins and minerals, but take it one thing at a time. For it to be a lifestyle and not a diet it has to be maintainable. Start with what you know you can do and that you can do consistently. So I did.
      • Maybe I’ll write a more detailed post just about this later. Or maybe not. I’m not trying to influence anyone into following what I’m doing for a healthier lifestyle. That’s different for everyone. Maybe it will help some, maybe it will hinder others. I’ll think about it.

 

  • First aerial silks class
    • We are in pairs for the class. My partner seems very nice and super extroverted. She made the class so much fun, even though I only successfully was able to do one of about 5 moves we were taught and it was basically hanging upside down. 🙈 I wasn’t able to climb the silk or do a pull through. (My arms are dying. >.< I need to build some upper body strength!)

 

  • Went to the gym for the first time in about 2 weeks.
    • I took my brother with me before sign language class and he also did a bit of exercise. That was cool! I used the stationary bikes. Why this gym positioned the spin bikes right in the middle of all of the weight machines (read: with my butt directly in front of a couple of guys), I have no idea. It was awkward, but I still got a short bike session in before class.

 

  • Went swimming for the first time in about 3 weeks. 😬
    • I almost didn’t go because my mom and brother didn’t want to swim. (They said it was too cold and they would rather do some other form of cardio.) But, I did my swim session without them and it felt refreshingly nice to just concentrate on myself. (Usually, I keep an eye on my mom and brother because they aren’t the strongest swimmers.)

 

  • Cousin’s birthday party!
    • Cousins invited me to join them for some bowling. 🙂 It was so much fun! I hadn’t seen all of them in a very long time, but they were very welcoming. I’m so glad I was able to go. (Even though I suck at bowling, haha!)

 

Next Week:

  • Last poem about someone I’m over. Just want to post it because it was something that hurt me deeply and I felt strongly about and now I don’t. I’m all about transformation and letting go of that is definitely a positive change in my life.
  • We’ll see how maintainable this healthier lifestyle really is. It’s been 4 days and it feels great. Hopefully I can say that after a full week. Otherwise, I’ll have to tweak it and make it more manageable.
  • Will I muster up the courage to apply for more jobs? I hope so…

.

.

.

Note:

Picture is of my crappy little mountain bike that I’ve outfitted for future triathlons and indoor training. It’s not much, but it’s all I need. Such is life. I make do.

 

Posted in My Life Now, Texas- Living with Parents

Week of January 13th 2020- Hitting the Breaks on Triathlon Training and Getting Pep Talks from Friends and Family

Posted on by Lizzie Gomez

This week was a strange one. It was sad, yet hopeful. Lonely and full of friends/family. I felt utterly misunderstood and as if I were watching a movie about my life. I’m struggling with indecision and fighting against what is holding me back from moving on with my life and beginning my career that will spearhead the next chapter. Before that though, let’s start with sadness.

Monday, Jan. 13th- Sleeping the Day Away and Helping Mom find her Classroom

I woke up at 4pm today. I think I slept at like 2 or 3am. Eh. Going back to my old ways of sleeping the morning and as much of the day away as possible. This isn’t good. Continue reading “Week of January 13th 2020- Hitting the Breaks on Triathlon Training and Getting Pep Talks from Friends and Family” →

Posted in My Life Now, Texas- Living with Parents

Week of January 6th 2020- First Official Week of Triathlon Training and Some Non-Official Translation Gigs

Posted on by Lizzie Gomez

It is Thursday night as I begin writing this. I hadn’t planned on returning to this blog. I mean, I’m glad that I have, but it happened naturally, not as part of a New Year’s resolution or personal goal or anything of the sort. It’s probably better that way. I’m back because I want to be, not because I’m forcing myself to be.

I was going to start weekly blogging two nights ago, on Tuesday, but as I started writing I realized there were countless battles I waged with myself over the last six months in my mind, that I had to at least attempt to explain those occurrences on the surface. Here’s that attempt at a sort of update. The following night (Wednesday) I figured I may as well start fresh with the start of the New Year and make a weekly blog post of my first week of the year.

Yep… so now it’s Thursday… Let’s see what I can remember…

 

Monday, Jan. 6th- Probably Made a 10 Week Triathlon Training Plan

I technically stayed up Sunday night until early Monday morning (3am-ish) to make a training schedule, so that counts, right? Well, I already had a plan, but upon a bit more research I found it probably would not have been ideal. It was much more intense than a beginning training schedule should be. I haven’t exercised in about a month (minus the day before and the day of that indoor triathlon I’d done on Sunday). Starting from 0 to 12 hours of exercise a week probably would not have been a good way to start the season.

So, much to my dismay, this week’s plan is about 4 hours. I mean, from 0 to 4 hours that’s still a big jump, but I am antsy. I like to progress fast and am prone to getting impatient if I don’t see results in whatever it is I do. I like positive change and more than that, I like the validation or proof of it happening. But, fine… Slow and steady, that’s what they say wins the race, right? *sigh… Lessons in patience, I guess. Today was my first day I didn’t have other engagements since getting back from my trip to West Texas with my college buddies, so apart from making a family meal plan for the week and going on an hour indoor bike ride, I just relaxed and watched T.V. with my mom.

Below will be this week’s training plan, but basically it consists of 2 one hour stationary bike rides, 2 thirty minute treadmill runs/walks, and 2 thirty to forty minute indoor pool swims.

 

Tuesday, Jan. 7th- Probably Finally Paid for Dietetic State Licensure and Translated for Brother’s Doctors Appointments

Yes, I finally took a moment to read through some important emails about my new dietetic license and the accompanying fees and continuing education requirements I need to complete. I should be getting an official card with my state license to practice dietetics in Texas in the next two or three weeks. Yay!

Other than that, I got up at 6:13am. Know how I remember that? Because my dad and brother usually leave the house by 6:10am and I was so tired I’d fallen asleep after waking up for the first time at 5:45-ish am. I kid you not, we were in the car and on our way by 6:15am. I don’t even know how I got out of bed and dressed that fast…

But, it was important to me to go. Yes, it’s my brother’s appointment, but my dad does a lot to help my brother with his health and this was his 1 year check up appointment with several different doctors and disciplines after his kidney transplant. So… yes, important. And important for me to go to ease the language barrier. I know hospitals have translators, but if I’m available, why not help out?

Case in point: while doing a sonogram we found out my brother had his gallbladder removed. Neither my dad nor my brother knew (my brother was too young to remember at the time we suspect it was removed). I’m sure my dad signed the papers necessary to allow the surgery, but there was a lot going on at the time and I highly suspect when situations get critical there’s less time to get a translator and talk through every little (or not so little) procedure. I’m glad to be back so things like this aren’t as likely to happen.

 

Wednesday, Jan. 8th- Translating for Mom’s Doctor’s Appointment and Why I Care About Language so Much

Continue reading “Week of January 6th 2020- First Official Week of Triathlon Training and Some Non-Official Translation Gigs” →

Posted in My Life Now, Texas- Living with Parents

My First Weekly Blog of 2020- Visiting College Buddies, New Year, New Job?, First Triathlon! (Yes, all in 7 days)

Posted on by Lizzie Gomez

Things have been half crappy, half okay. …All in all, I like those odds.

 

Monday, December 30, 2019- Lazing around in West Texas

So, if you read the update I posted a few days ago, you’ll know that I planned a little vacation following my dietetic certification exam as motivation/kind of punishment depending on how that turned out. Fortunately, I passed and am now a registered dietitian. I’d spent the weekend crashing on my former university roomie’s couch in West Texas. However, Sherri had a flight to catch in order to visit family this Monday morning, so I found myself waking up in Mariah and Richard’s bed. 😬 (<- my favorite emoji, by the way)

Continue reading “My First Weekly Blog of 2020- Visiting College Buddies, New Year, New Job?, First Triathlon! (Yes, all in 7 days)” →

Posted in Texas- Living with Parents

Fall 2019- Being Sad then Doing Something About It (Overall Summary of the First Six Months since Moving Back in with my Parents After 5 Years Away at University and Such)

Posted on by Lizzie Gomez

A lot has happened since summer when I wrote my last “weekly” blog, haha…… so before posting that this weekend, this is the shortest version I could bring myself to write about the highlights (and lowlights) of the last six months since I’ve moved back in with my parents.

 

Lots of Sadness with One Glimmer of Happiness for someone else, not me (of course!)

Continue reading “Fall 2019- Being Sad then Doing Something About It (Overall Summary of the First Six Months since Moving Back in with my Parents After 5 Years Away at University and Such)” →

Posted in Personal Poetry Collection

Guide me Away from Here – Personal Poetry Collection

Posted on by Lizzie Gomez

I’m going a bit insane here. My licensure exam is in four days from the time I write this and though life has gotten much better since I moved back home about six months ago, I feel as though if I fail this exam… I feel that if I pass it, I can say this half a year of moping and, frankly, recovering from the time away were worth something. If I fail… that just confirms my fears that I’m a waste of space and ultimately a burden on my family.

It’s unbelievable how much support I’ve gained in those five years. My life and myself changed drastically and (mostly) for the better.  I have some amazing people behind me, but recently, I’ve been thinking about the first friend who believed in me. I call him AJ on this blog. He was my first and best mentor, in the truest sense of the word. I meant to pay tribute to him in my previous post, but got a bit off topic. He told me to never stop sharing my poetry, so here you go… for AJ.

 

Guide me Away from Here

December 22, 2019

2:48 AM

Papers, pens, and practice.

I’d rather toss some dice,

but a friend told me twice

(at least), “We aren’t mice.

Work past your vice

and cut yourself off a slice

of success. Being nice

is for the lice.

 

You are wise.

Youth only a guise.

So, pick a bigger fight!

Someone your size,

now that would be a sight.”

 

 

He is right.

Yet, on this height

lays my kite

string binding me tight.

Posted in Uncategorized

The Happiest I’ve Ever Been

Posted on by Lizzie Gomez

I have four unfinished drafts. I haven’t written in four weeks… or more. I get four new ideas every sleepless night. There’s too much and not enough going on in my life. And I can’t take it anymore. I’m writing at 3 am and decided to publish whatever word vomit I create. A friend of mine once suggested (likely out of pity) that my readers must like the honesty that these sad writing sessions are born from. He said this after I expressed confusion that one such word vomit post did infinitely better, views-wise, than a post I spent upwards of eight hours on.

 

Audio of this post:

 

The Best Four Months of My Life

 

Living on my own, therapy, love, and more…

I want to write. I do. I used to fight for myself. I did very well- surprisingly well- the first semester I moved into an apartment on campus by myself. Sure I had apartment-mates, but I saw them each no more than three times that whole school year (they were worse recluses than me!). It took until finals time to falter. That semester in group therapy I gave more advice than sought it. My life was great and I ran with that. Literally. That was when I started running. I wanted to do a 5K. About two months in I was pushing myself and that was the only area in my life I would not be satisfied with. I wanted to continuously improve and did.

I loved my life that year. It was the best semester of my life. Best three or four months of my life. I did things because I wanted to and that was that. I tried the whole vegetarian thing. I was looking into studying abroad. It was glorious. And, of course, I was in love. My first boyfriend. That’s pure. Completely the wrong person for me and that became blatantly apparent in the next few months, but for that brief beginning… it was glorious. I didn’t know I could be so happy.

 

Friendship, Healthier Coping, and Constant Support

That was the semester I began a friendship with one of the most caring people I’ve ever met- Mariah. I’d never had such a close friendship with someone before. It’s incredible she’s still my friend. That was also the semester we both turned 21. Every other weekend we’d get together, just the two of us (well with her boyfriend playing video games on a nearby couch), at her apartment to hang out and try different types of alcohol. Not the wildest college drinking stories. Not even close. But the best I could have asked for.

I’ve had issues with emotional overeating since I was about 10 years old. That semester? Not until finals time. It was like I imagine nicotine cravings are. Awful. Constant. And gnawing. Obviously, it wasn’t without a couple slip ups, but until I gave up during finals week… it was amazing. I sang so much that semester. Constant music. That’s what they always say. Therapists and other positive role models I’ve had: replace negative behaviors with positive ones. It’s so difficult. Sounds simple, but a song isn’t as effective as a donut for me. Not at first. That’s the semester I learned to be okay with crying. I’d been told crying isn’t shameful since I’d started therapy two years prior to that semester, but on my then boyfriend’s shoulder I accepted it.

It was my first semester as manager at a little food shop on campus. I met my coworkers I’d be friends with for the remainder of my university career. I was so nervous about my first leadership role. The boyfriend was constant support through anything and everything that semester. I’d never had that. With him, my therapists, my friends, and a pinch of belief in myself I learned I could be happy. I didn’t have to keep punishing myself for something I felt I deserved.

 

Beginning to Like Myself and Learning to Enjoy Life

I can’t underestimate this next part. I’ve hated the way I look, especially my weight, over any horrible thought I’ve ever had about my intelligence or other abilities. I never in a million years thought I’d look at myself with anything but disgust and shame. That semester, sometimes I’d wish I looked like someone’s reflection or shadow I’d catch at the corner of my eye then I’d realize that reflection or shadow had been mine. It was extremely confusing and alien at first. I began wearing tank tops for Pete’s sake! I liked how they looked… I almost can’t believe I got to that point. I was by no means skinny. I’ve dreamt of being skinny for more than a decade at this point. I didn’t weigh myself that whole semester. Maybe once for a class, but I think I refused to look at the time. Yet, I’ve never been happier with my body. Sometimes I would look in a mirror (I hate mirrors) and like how I looked! Actually looked at myself and felt good- confident even!

Unbelievable! That whole semester… And I enjoyed the heck out of it. As I experienced it I knew it likely would end. I was terrified. Like an unsavory indigestion I kept swallowing down. Yet, I pushed it aside and had the best three or four months of my life. It doesn’t sound like much, but when you’re used to wallowing in sadness sure that that’s all you’re worth- pain and disappointment- four months is infinity. I regret nothing. I lived. I loved. And I sure as hell made the best of it.

 

Where Am I Now?

Wow. That was certainly not the direction I expected this to go. Usually when my mind wanders it reminds me how unhappy I currently am. Getting creative, Brain. You jerk. Well, since I doubt I’ll finish up those other four drafts anytime soon, here’s the summary.

  1. I used to publish just whenever I was inspired on my old blog which was about once a month. I’m done making promises I won’t keep. Not to be rude, but I can’t keep disappointing myself. I’ll publish when I publish. Sorry.
  2. I hate living at home. My friend offered to let me move in with her, but she lives in West Texas about six hours away from where I currently live. I said no. I regret that at least five times a day. Okay, maybe only three times a day.
  3. I’m codependent without anyone to be codependent with. That’s what those four drafts said in a nutshell.
  4. The fourth kind of overlaps with the friend offering her home thing. It was a pros and cons list of moving out or living at home with my parents.

 

I hate my life right now. I have plans to make it better. I hope I follow through with them. It’s kind of difficult at the moment to find motivation. But what choice do I have? It’s fight for myself or be miserable. I know I’ve written something like this at least five times before, but that’s what I’ve found life to be: a repetitive pep talk where I have to convince myself I’m the most qualified person to care and put in the work to make my life enjoyable. I don’t know what else I can do.

I’ve given up on people before and I will never forgive myself for it. I’m terrified of what will happen if I give up on myself completely. I’ve seriously let myself go, but I know there’s some line I’ve never crossed. I know I haven’t reached rock bottom. Things can be worse. And I’m afraid. I don’t want to get there. I won’t get there. Stupid pep talk after stupid pep talk- I won’t let myself get there. Thanks, Fear. Thanks, Unhappiness. I will only let my life get better because of you.

Posted in Uncategorized

Week of July 22nd 2019- West Texas, Swimming, Apathy, and Mexico

Posted on by Lizzie Gomez

Monday, July 22nd- Last Day in West Texas

Heyyyy guysssss…. Yeah, I took a trip to West Texas the week before this then just didn’t write about it. If I decide to write about it it’ll be a Friday Thoughts and Past post. Basically I spent time with my old college friends that I hadn’t seen in over a year (since I graduated university). I stayed with Sherri, but on Monday she had to go to work, so I went to the park with Mariah and her fiance, Richard. There were too many children to have fun on the playground, so we ended up just walking around. I got some nice pictures by laying on the grass. Haha, Mariah then picked everything out of my hair and clothes as we walked.

When Sherri got home from work, she and I played Sims before making a quick spaghetti dinner and watching a few episodes of The Office. I’d never seen the show, so I was a bit lost, but it was cool. It was nice to have some down time with Sherri as she’s usually the kind to invite me to parties and other outings, haha.

 

Tuesday, July 23rd- All the Alphabet Games!

Time to head back home. :< The weekend wasn’t enough to catch up with my old friends. I had the opportunity to move in with Sherri, but I told her no. 😦 I’m not as brave as I once was. I don’t want any more adventures for a while. I just want to pass my licensure exam and then worry about getting a good job and money. I also have a sense of responsibility for my family and feel I’ve been running away from them long enough. Either way, I told her no, even though I am still considering moving down there so I won’t lead her on if I decide not to. Maybe I’m just leading myself on.

Mariah drove on the way back, so I was in charge of the navigation and music! 😀 We played so many music games that the hours just flew by! Our last game was an ABC game according to artist names. To make it harder, the song titles also followed the ABC format! XD It was interesting. We pulled up to my house while listening to Puff Daddy. XD

 

Wednesday, July 24th- Not Feeling It

I missed swim practice on Monday since I wasn’t in town and I didn’t run or bike all weekend either, but on Tuesday I was oddly energized. Today? Nah. I was so tired and over it. But I went to swim lessons anyway. That’s a big reason why I decided to take lessons even though I already know how to swim. I am terrible at self motivation.

 

Thursday, July 25th- Last Day of July Swim Lessons

I still wasn’t feeling it. Didn’t run or bike either. But I went to my final swim class and took a final dive with one of my classmates. All of the ladies in the class are about 20 years or older than me, but they were nice and charismatic. I’ll miss them.

 

Friday, July 26th- Borrrriiinnnggg

I think I just watched The Office today. X) Yeah, I started watching it from the beginning. It’s super cringe and I almost stopped watching it because of that, but then it became tolerable, and now I’m caught up to the episodes I watched with Sherri, haha.

 

Saturday, July 27th- Target Run

Yep, nothing else that exciting. I’ve essentially given up on studying at this point. I figure I’ll start when I’m in Mexico and have nothing else to do. I’ve also given up on running, biking, and swimming until I get back from Mexico. I’ll exercise at home in Mexico instead.

In the evening my mom noticed we needed more dog food, so we went to get that. Our dog Misty will be watched over by one of our neighbors (my best friend Lyza’s family) and our turtle, Frankie is currently on vacation herself with Mariah. She did me the favor of taking care of her until we return to Texas. 🙂 She sends me photos periodically which make me super happy.

 

Sunday, July 28th- To Mexico!!!

Finally this trip! It’s the reason I’ve accepted being a lazy freeloader for the past three weeks. Didn’t want to get a job and have to explain that I needed two weeks off right off the bat for vacation! Also…yeah I am naturally lazy… Anyway! Finally! Because of the whole moving to Puerto Rico thing for a year last summer, it’s been two years since I’ve been to Mexico. I’m excited and not.

I’m excited to see my favorite aunt and her kids, but a lot has changed. Her eldest daughter is married and pregnant, no longer living at home, her son is also out of the house, and her youngest daughter is still at home, but has a child of her own. Things are very different from two years ago when the eldest had just moved out.

What I’m really wary about is going to my father’s house in Mexico. It’s usually a safe haven for me that I love coming to to forget the stress of everyday life. It’s in a tiny town far away from everything and usually it’s just me and my dad, so while my dad spends time with his brother all day I get much appreciated alone time. Not this year. This year my mom and brother are coming with us. They don’t like the little town as much as my dad and I do, so they don’t visit every year. I sound like a jerk, but I like being alone… *sigh, not this year.

 

Next Week!

*Week 1 in Mexico

*Potential cabin fever being in a little house in an even smaller town with all of my immediate family.

*Spending time with my favorite aunt and her grown up children.

*I go to a Mexican dermatologist? I guess

*The Fair is in town! How do I always make it on time for that? I don’t plan it!

 

 

 

P.S. The internet (first year it’s available in our little house in rural Mexico) is super spotty. It took more than an hour to just get this post published after I finished writing it. :/ Can’t wait to go to Mexico City. X)

Posted in Uncategorized

Week of July 8th 2019- Medical Appointments, Purple Hair, and my 4 Year Old Friend

Posted on by Lizzie Gomez

Monday, July 8th- Dentist Appointment… Remember to Read Contracts and Ask Questions Before You Sign

I’m weirdly excited to be back and getting all these health appointments checked off my list. It’s not that I didn’t have health insurance in Puerto Rico, in fact it was a requirement for my internship over there. It’s just that….. ermmmm….. well, in this case I have only come to trust one dentist in the world. I’m sure there are many capable people in the profession, but I’ve only been introduced to one along my traumatizing dental hygiene journey. That is why I refuse to see anyone else.

The check up went great. All the usual stuff: a few cavities, a scan of my teeth since they’d recommended something to straighten my teeth (won’t say the name, because ehh, I’m not a lawyer), and, oh yeah, the tech or whoever was flossing my teeth at the end of the cleaning yanked out one of my fillings. ….yep. Everything was fine and then I felt something in my mouth. Whatever, they had to put more in for those cavities I mentioned. It was either coming out there or at home, so no biggie.

$35 was all thanks to my insurance. I got some papers to sign about the teeth straightening thing. 2293 or something. No comma. No decimal point. $35 and $22.93, that would make sense, right? Nah, after another scan to send off to the company they clarify and say it’s $2,293 and that I’d already signed and agreed to pay that amount. Gosh darn it. I’m really upset by this, because I misunderstood and didn’t know that I’d misunderstood, so I didn’t ask questions and ugh. It’s frustrating. Hopefully they can work something out with the company. Geez.

 

Tuesday, July 9th- First Day Playing Professor

Ha… I didn’t go to the gym today. I woke up at 2pm. Yep. Didn’t think I needed an alarm. Thought, what’s the harm in waking up at 10 am or even noon, I’ll just go to the gym then and study after. Nah. I woke up at 2pm. -____- So I didn’t. instead I read a bit more of chapter one of the first textbook I am working on reading to study for the exam to become a registered dietitian. After coming to a decent stopping point, I made a power point, added some pictures and presented it to my mom.

That was my plan. Study then teach. Best way to learn, I thought. It might still be true, but it was a process to teach her conversions from the metric system to the imperial and vice versa. I don’t know if I can do this, or (as mean as it sounds) if I want to. I don’t want to drag out my study time. I just want to learn this stuff well enough to pass that exam and know how to treat my future patients. We’ll see how far I get with her.

 

Wednesday, July 10th- Eye Doctor Appointment and Getting Used to my Face Again

I went to my favorite doctor today! 😀 Ever since I was a kid, the optometrist has been my favorite medical appointment. He helps me see and doesn’t stab me with needles or drill in my teeth without anesthesia (yeah, kind of why I’m traumatized in regards to dentists…). I think that’s a good trade off. We’ve been going to that same doctor for years and it’s been pretty great that the staff there has seen me grow up. It’s like a subtle check up on my life goals every year to make that small talk about what I’ve been up to since my last appointment.

I wasn’t joking about the triathlon, guys. I want to do one. (I want to do more than one, but baby steps, haha.) So, I got some contacts. It’s pretty weird to switch from glasses to contacts. Not just for others, but for the person wearing them. I hardly ever see my face without glasses. Mostly because even if I wasn’t wearing my glasses I’d have to be practically pressed against the mirror! XD No, but in all seriousness, I’m dorkily excited to get used to just my face again. 🙂 I’m actually thinking of a few other changes… but…. I’ll keep y’all in suspense until they happen. heeheehee…

 

Thursday, July 11th- XD I Dyed my Hair Purple

Hahahahah, that was fast, wasn’t it? Yeah, so it was a good day for Instagram today. I’m getting more used to this social media thing. This whole week I’ve been pretty good about posting to my Instagram story. I think I feel more motivated to do so knowing I left behind some friends in Puerto Rico that may care to see them. 😥 I miss Chance and Joseph. But yeah. There’s my shameless plug for my Instagram. Follow me @MyDragonflyLife.blog I pinned a story about me trying to poke my turtle, so make sure to check that out! 🙂

Anyway, other than playing with my turtle, Frankie, I went to the gym and decided to bike 10 miles. That was absurd seeing as it’s only my second day biking. Haha! The sprint triathlon I’m aiming to do is a 12 mile bike, so oh well, I’m progressing just a tad quickly. X) After coming back from that mess I decided to create another one…. on my head. XD I enlisted my mom to help me dye my hair purple.

I know, I know. Not good for job prospects, but I’ve wanted to dye my hair for years now and I figured now was the perfect time. I also figured purple is the hardest color to mess up. Light or dark purple, it all looks good. ……….yeah….. Didn’t turn out like I thought it would. XD Looks like a deep, dark mahogany with the slightest edgy purple tint. XD I don’t know how else to describe it!

 

Friday, July 12th- Triathlon Training Goals and Random Singing

I unashamedly did nothing today. Well. I didn’t study, which is supposed to be my main goal. I went for a run. :/ Ran 2 miles. Ugh. I did 1.75 on Wednesday, so I was hoping to do more today, but *sigh* I know it’s going to take time to get back to where I was two years ago when I used to run. My goal is 4 miles. When I decided to train for a triathlon I made this whole plan. I went full blown obsessed and have a year’s worth of monthly distance and time goals. My first month is 15 miles on bike, 4 miles running, and 100 meters swimming in less than 2 hours. Completely doable, I think.

After the run I watched yet another stand up special. I’ve been watching a ton of those lately. And…wandered into my brother’s room to play Guitar Hero on his Wii. heehee. That was fun, but like all other things, I suck now. X) I swear, I used to be good, but now I’m back to medium difficulty. After a few songs I switched over to a karaoke game. -____- I promise I can sing. Decently. When no one is watching….

Ughhh. I played for like an hour or so trying to shake the nerves. Uhhh. I know it’s just my mom and brother in the room, but I just can’t sing unless I think no one is listening. The sounds just don’t come out if I’m nervous in any way. :< It stinks. I mean, for all I know, I am a terrible singer. But I really do think I’m okay at it. 😦 One day I’ll share a clip with you guys…

 

Saturday, July 13th- I Made a 4 year old Friend 🙂

14.99 miles on bike. -___- 65 minutes. Gosh. So close. Since I don’t own a bike, this was on the stationary bike that automatically shut off after the hour workout and a 5 minute cool down. Geez, haha, I was so upset. Oh well, Now I have to work on improving my speed and pace.  After a quick stop for some junk food at a gas station, my best friend Lyza calls. I’d texted her yesterday about hanging out and showing her sisters 4 year old child Allison (Alli for short) my purple hair. Make up store she said. Not what I expected, but alright!

When they came to pick me up, Lyza was in the passenger seat while her sister, Sophia, drove. That meant Alli and I were in the back. It was cute. Alli was really shy at first, but eventually at the make up store I bonded with her over PAC man lip glosses. Apparently she really likes PAC man and Mario. I’m definitely taking her to an arcade someday soon! I hate skimming over everything, but we did a lot! My Instagram story showed more, but here are the big parts.

We ended up going to a grocery store and by this point Alli was following me around. 😀 She once said in her little toddler voice “I want to go with Laura” X) She can’t pronounce my name, heehee. I almost told her to call me Lizzie since that would probably be easier for her, but not even Lyza calls me that. That nickname came about in university. Anyway, at the grocery store Lyza and I each took one of Alli’s hands and would swing her super high. It was so cool!! And Alli loved it, of course.

At the end Alli and I held hands and started running around in circles. Hahaha, on the third one we went a bit too fast and Alli ended up sliding on her back for a full revolution or so. XD Sophia and Lyza we concerned when they looked back and saw Alli on the floor, but it was a smooth slide and I knew she wasn’t hurt. I think children react how they see the people around them react. I was smiling and happy and since she wasn’t hurt she smiled and was happy right back. 🙂

The last event of the day was going back to Sophia’s apartment to watch a movie. At this point Alli had picked me for a play partner and refused to have it any other way. It was really sweet, though I still wanted to watch the movie. In fact, I felt like all day I spent more time with Alli than with my friends… We played catch then some more chaotic form of dodge ball before Alli settled down to play Mario and I got to watch the movie with Lyza and Sophia. All in all, and amazing day!

 

Sunday, July 14th- Mopey

I wasn’t feeling today. It kind of hit me that I have to study and want to train, but I really have no where to be. No responsibilities and while that’s great to some extent, I need something to work towards. It also hit me that I don’t have any money. My parent’s helped me out when I was in Puerto Rico, but now… I’m living in their home. Eating their food. Yeah, I’m not going to ask them for an allowance. Ugh, I could have a job if it wasn’t because my dad wants to go to Mexico for two weeks with all of us (he played the “I’m old and I don’t know when the next time we will all be able to go together will be” -____- I couldn’t say no.)

So, here I was all day. In my room with the door closed (yes, I took back that right even though I know my parents don’t like it) singing or watching anything to distract myself from the thoughts in my head. Until midnight when I suddenly wanted to do everything and write about countless topics. -____- Why brain?

 

Next Week:

  • Swim classes start on Monday! Hopefully my hair dye doesn’t color the pool water purple….
  • My friend from university will get here on Thursday. My older followers might remember Mariah. Then on Friday she and I will drive down to another part of Texas (about five or so hours away) to visit other college people. For her, her fiance Richard and for me my freshman year roommate Sherri.
  • Also continued running and biking, though I only have until Thursday when Mariah gets here. o.o Looks like I’ll have to pull some double sessions. Plus the swimming. Uff! I hope I survive! Come back next Monday to find out!