I Wasn’t Always Mute – Personal Poetry Collection

I wrote this as I waited to be reprimanded by the director of my nutrition internship. This whole internship/education thing seemed useless. I felt jaded and incredibly small. I felt dispensable and like a cog in the horribly flawed machine of life. Helpless. That’s how I felt.

October 26, 2018

I Wasn’t Always Mute

My life choices have brought me here,

dreams and hopes so shimmery sheer.

 

Nothing makes sense.

My jaw is tense.

I’m on the fence.

 

Why am I here?

I wanted adventure, excitement.

Now I just repent

that I let myself be sent,

let myself be bent.

Don’t know if I broke…

 

If so, this is a joke!

I’m just some ruined bloke.

Who fought and spit,

but never spoke.

 

That’s all I’ve become:

a spoke.

Instead of a speak.

Week of March 11th 2019- Cardiovascular Hospital (Thoughts on Organ Transplants and Bingeing)

Man, keeping up with this blog is getting difficult. :< Here’s a recap of the week.

 

Monday, March 11th- First Day at the Cardiovascular Hospital

I was about 10 minutes late to my first day at the cardiovascular hospital. I never liked my clinical rotations. Working at a hospital is boring and depressing. People are sick/dying and most of them don’t care for a dietitian’s help. Most of them just ended up asking where I’m from because of my accent. It’s like, FOCUS! Geez! You are in a hospital. Let me help you! Gosh.

At this hospital since it’s specialized in heart diseases it was a bit easier. Pretty much every diet was low sodium and it was a lot easier to talk to people. Not a bad day.

 

Tuesday, March 12th- Different Dietitian’s Processes

The dietitian the previous day was very boom, boom, boom, trying to get through her patient list quickly. It’s crazy. They can get up to 30 new patients in a day and are responsible for evaluating all of them. Before this hospital I’d evaluated no more than 4 patients in a day. Here we did about 6 each just before noon. It was crazy but cool.

The second dietitian (the one that would evaluate Gia and I) was a bit different. She was fast, but took it a bit more calm. She’d take about 75% of the patients and give me the other 25% so that we’d finish at the same time and would then chat with me. It’s so weird. The clinical preceptors I’d had were not at all personable. Or maybe I wasn’t as open to it back then. Maybe! HA! I know I wasn’t.

 

Wednesday, March 13th- A Word on Organ Transplants

I saw more patients today. Blah. So I’ll tell y’all one more thing about yesterday. I got to see an outpatient evaluation at the heart transplant clinic. It was interesting to see. Apparently in Puerto Rico, people have to get evaluated in several areas before being put on a transplant list. This includes medical, psychological, nutrition, and social work check ups. I know the U.S. requires something similar, but I don’t know exactly how that goes. It’s unfortunate to get hung up in the process, but I think it’s important because it’s only more suffering and, I daresay a waste, to grant someone a transplant who can’t maintain/ benefit from it.

It’s harsh, but if a person gets a transplant but doesn’t have the physical capacity to heal from the surgery (medical), can’t afford to pay for the necessary medications to maintain it (social work), doesn’t stick to a healthy diet to keep the organ functioning properly (nutrition), or commits suicide (psychology), the transplant wasn’t worth it and the organ should have gone to someone who would have been able to maintain it. It’s tough, but true.

 

Thursday, March 14th- Free Day, Yay? Try not to Binge, Guys. It’s No Fun.

No rotation today! There was a meeting or something, so we didn’t have to come in. Haa… that was kind of awful. I’m so un-self motivated. I spent the whole day pacing my apartment and cooking. Which, of course, meant eating. Sometimes when I’m stressed I just want to eat. It helps distract me from whatever it is I’m stressing about. And, as an added boost, it punishes me afterward.

When I’m feeling particularly down I’ll eat until I feel like throwing up. I really hate throwing up, so I just have to sit with the uncomfortably full feeling until it passes. If the stress is bad enough, I’ll still feel the urge to keep eating. So I’ll be on the brink of throwing up and still eating. The suffering will feel right. Like I deserve to feel bad on top of all the stress. It’s messed up.

So I ate all day then ordered pizza and wings to eat late at night. My roommate got a job and is thus not in the apartment a lot so… now I have the liberty to do this stupid stuff again. Ugh. Gosh.

 

Friday, March 15th- Last Day at the Cardiovascular Hospital

Today I got to meet a couple of nursing students who came to the dietitian I was with to learn about the basics of a low sodium diet. It was fun. I wanted to take them by the arm and teach them everything I know. D: I want to be a professor so bad!

Ah, and since it was the last day all the rotation’s assignments were due today. I had a free day yesterday. What did I do? Wait until 1 am to start working on everything? Yes. Yes, that’s what my stupid face decided to do. -____- Gosh. So, today I took a nap as soon as I got back to my apartment. Didn’t do much before going to sleep for the night either.

 

Saturday, March 16th- Procrastinating as per usual

Still wasting my life away. That’s what I say when someone asks me what I’m doing and I’m procrastinating. Augh. Next week is the first of two weeks of my renal rotation. I’m not looking forward to it. It’s clinical and the most complex of them. Of course I woke up at a bright and early noon today. :/ Didn’t want to be awake. And I’ve been procrastinating today. Honestly, I’m just happy to have gotten this post written. I’ve had days where I can’t even motivate myself to write for my blog, so this is good.

The next two weeks are going to be incredibly trying, but I’ll try to keep up here.

 

Sunday, March 17th- Car Renal Madness

I thought the week was going to be over without any major events. HA. That couldn’t be my life. No, instead, Gia and I went to pick up our rental car for our out of town rotations to begin on Monday and were going to be charged almost double. We said, no thank you and looked for other options. We went down a street with several other car rental places and they all either said they didn’t have any more cars available for the day or they charged us more than $300 (for four days, mind you!!).

Ugh. It was a nightmare. We were supposed to pick up the car at 7pm. I didn’t get back to my apartment until 11pm. This was after getting lost on the highway for a long time, of course. It was so dark, and ugh. I’m just glad it’s over. I hope tomorrow goes much more smoothly.

 

Coming Up Next Week!

  • First week of renal rotation in a different city. Stressful!
  • Nutrition conference on Friday.
  • That’s it. That’s more than enough. I’m going to avoid as many people as possible.
  • Hope I survive.

Week of March 4th 2019- Non Profit for Community (Spicy Food with Chance and a Movie with Joseph)

Ha…Ha…Hi, guys…. Ahhh, soo, I’m half a week late posting this, so yepppp. Here’s the highlights of last week.

Monday, March 4th– Gia Bringing Up the Past

First day back at the non-profit. Or so I thought! Apparently, the dietitian had sent an email saying we weren’t supposed to show up today. She sent it to Gia who didn’t understand it that way. So, we showed up only to be sent away with homework. :p We were responsible about our assignments though. Gia and I headed to a fast food place to work on them. That seems to be our new thing (going to fast food places to study). Recently things have started to be great with Gia. So much so that I forgot why I ever distrusted her or keep reminding myself not to get too close again. Yeah, I got a glimpse of it this morning.

We were talking about how awful last semester was. Especially in my case since we were doing clinical rotations most of the time and had dozens of assignments from the internship itself and I was living with three strong personalities that made my living situation hell. Plus, you know adapting to a new country. She said, “Yeah, well even so, I don’t pity you. After how miserable you made me.” After a pause (because I was in shock and just kept quiet) she said, “But that’s in the past.” I wanted to say if that’s in the past, then why are you still bringing it up?!

It’s not like I tried to make her miserable. I didn’t bully her or anything. I was in a bad place and that radiated off me. Yes, I said mean things but when she needed me, I was there. Until I wasn’t. Until it wasn’t worth it anymore. And that’s not what she’s upset about. Ugh! This is why I can’t get close to her. She hasn’t forgiven me for last semester, and it seems she isn’t going to anytime soon. I thought she had. Things had been better, but once again I’m the fool.

 

Tuesday, March 5th– Axyl Bringing Up the Present

Yeah, I wrote that title, but not the content. Ha, not sure what this argument was about. Axyl and I have been getting into a lot of arguments lately. This was probably more of the same. Him saying I’ve changed ever since I started dating and saying I act bitchier than usual with him and don’t talk or hang out with him like I used to. Ugh. I’ve not had a lot of dating experience. I want to enjoy that. I live with Axyl. We can talk whenever. I’ll be in Puerto Rico for only a few more months now. I want to have fun!

 

Wednesday, March 6th– Spicy Food Challenge with Chance

Right! Can’t believe this was just a week ago. So, remember Chance and I had talked about having a spicy food competition? It was supposed to be this big thing, three course meal, but ha! Not exactly what happened. The star dishes ended up being Chance’s spicy BBQ sauce that he paired with pizza rolls X) and a sweet and spicy shrimp pasta that I made. :3 If you follow my Instagram, you saw that he tagged me on his post of the pictures he took of our dishes. That shoutout was cool!

Note: Due to the whole anonymity thing I have going on in my blog (all names of people in my life are pseudo names), I will not be posting those pictures here. If I did, since Chance took them and thus they belong to him, I’d have to credit him. Which would make him not so anonymous… He tagged me, not the other way around, so that was on him. Follow my instagram @mydragonflylife.blog to check that out. End of note. 

I won the not reaching for something to drink first, but Chance definitely won the endurance part of the challenge. I did not finish my plate of food. X) I’ve been craving more spicy food since!

 

Thursday, March 7th– Alone at the Rotation and Reading in the Park

Gia got sick this day and was sent home about an hour into the rotation. So, I was stuck doing nutrition evaluations to the non-profit members. Afterwards I just needed to be alone, so I spent most of the afternoon (until it got dark) at a table outside reading Girl, Interrupted. It’s my favorite movie and I finally got the book. Completely different, but so interesting to compare. 

 

Friday, March 8th– Last Day at the Non-profit

Ah, I didn’t write anymore titles. Uhh, welp, it was the last day of at the nonprofit. I remember I spent the whole day avoiding doing patient evaluations. I filed patient information most of the day. Other people, like the social workers, would recognize Gia and I as the people who were doing nutrition evaluations the other days and would try to hand us patient folders, but I simply refused to take it. Left her holding it out in between us and I just would not reach up to take it. XD It was kind of funny. And it worked!

 

Saturday, March 9th– Procrastination

I think I just procrastinated this day.

 

Sunday, March 10th– Movie with Joseph

Procrastinated some more. In the afternoon though, I had made plans to meet up with Joseph to watch my favorite movie. Like I’ve mentioned before, Joseph (one of the guys I met on the dating app I was on) is in the movie business and he knows his stuff. I felt he’d be able to properly appreciate my favorite movie (Girl, Interrupted). We planned to watch the movie at his place, but problem was he doesn’t have a DVD player. No problem, HDMI cable to connect my laptop to his TV and I have a disc player for my laptop. Yeahhh, my laptop doesn’t have an HDMI slot. X) Oops.

You know what was also missing? A couch. X) HA! His apartment is nicely decorated, but the last thing he still needed to purchase: a couch. I found it funny that he didn’t even think to mention it while we were making the plans for this day. He mentioned it once he was practically parking the car to go inside! Kind of smooth of him, since we ended up watching a movie on his bed instead. After browsing Netflix for a bit, I chose Silver Linings Playbook. It was an okay movie. I thought it was going in a bit more realistic direction, but it ended up being a feel good movie. The night ended up being a feel good night as well. …if you know what I mean. Ha, okay, not to that extent.

Really, I’ll have the talk with myself in these coming weeks to decide how explicit I want to be on my blog. I ended up writing a whole post on it even though I meant to just write a small note on it. Looks like I have Friday’s post ready! 😀

 

Coming up Next Week! ….AKA the week this was published (ahh, sorry for posting late!)

  • My penultimate clinical rotation!! At the Cardiovascular Hospital! Spoiler, not as bad as I expected!
  • A couple dates planned with Chance.
  • Uhhhh, yep that’s it. Another not so eventful week. :p

 

 

 

 

 

 

Week of February 25th 2019- Cafeteria (Pigeon Photography with Chance and Arcade with Joseph plus Internship Stress)

Monday, February 25th– Stressing about Assignments, but No Progress

Have you ever stressfully thought about working on something for hours or days, yet you …don’t? That was me this whole weekend. Friday, I gave up. I knew I was exhausted from the food bank and wasn’t going to be able to discipline myself into doing anything productive, so I didn’t even try to lie to myself. Saturday, I was so stressed thinking about the week ahead that I couldn’t focus long enough to get started. Sunday, I tried to motivate myself to work on my assignments all day, but at the end of the it gave in and accepted working on my blog for this week. I did nothing this weekend.

Today was supposed to be the first day of our Cafeteria rotation. Instead the dietitian told us she could not receive us that day, so we went to the Department of Health to get our hours for the day. I thought I’d get the assignments for the rotation done, but instead it took the whole 8 hours to finalize the case study PowerPoint and report that Gia and I have to present on Friday. I thought it was late (that we had to turn in a draft last Friday), but when I told the director that we’d leave it in the box for her she looked at us confused and told us that it was due when we presented. Well, at least that’s done. At home, I was stressed and did nothing.

 

Tuesday, February 26th– Slow Day at Rotation and Future Travel Stress

I woke up late. I didn’t sleep too too late, but I was exhausted. There’s a bus that goes all the way to the hospital our rotation is at, but I missed the one that would get me there on time. So, I took an Uber. These things are killing me. We don’t get paid for this internship. No housing or transport help either. This is all out of pocket and unfortunately my pockets were essentially emptied after I paid the tuition for this internship. Ugh. It was a slow day. The dietitian let us work on our assignments after seeing that we didn’t have any of them done. Oops.

Went home and splurged on fast food. Unhealthy coping, guys. Try to be stronger than I am. It was irrationally justified though. I called my dad to give him a head’s up about a rotation in three weeks where I have to travel little over an hour to get to, a two-week rotation. But wait! It’s not in three weeks. It’s in two! Ughhh. And, there’s no reasonably priced place to stay over there. They say it’s the hardest rotation of the internship and I’d rather not drive two (or three with traffic) hours a day for two weeks. But I don’t have another choice. As if I wasn’t stressed enough.

 

Wednesday, February 27th– Donuts and Stressing about Assignments

Donuts. That’s what got me motivated to wake up today. I made it to the bus on time and was dropped off across the street from the hospital. Beside a Krispy Kreme. Yum! The rest of the day wasn’t quite as exciting. We mostly worked on the rotation’s assignments the majority of the day though I did once go into the hospital kitchen to help portion out fruit or juice, I forget which.

At home, I dreaded working on everything that is due on Friday, but somehow got my rotation stuff for Thursday done. The real accomplishment is that I finally began working on the second of three parts of this monster investigative proposal (that I’m sure I’ve been talking for months about) due on Friday. I didn’t finish much, but starting is a great step. I’ve slept about 3 hours a night for the past three days. Yet, I’ve not done much for that proposal. Ughh. I’m scared, but Friday afternoon can’t come soon enough.

 

Thursday, February 28th– More Donuts and Finally Working on that Assignment

More donuts today. I know I’ll find them useful for anxiety control later tonight. Again, do NOT follow my example. It’s a very short-term fix. And I have a very short amount of time to get this proposal done. …I need to start working on some long-term fixes like not procrastinating to this level. *sigh… someday. At the rotation we helped serve milk and fruit then gave a presentation to the kitchen staff. Only thing left to do is finish that darn proposal for tomorrow and maybe practice the case study I have to present with Gia tomorrow.

After the rotation, Gia and I went to a fast food place to work on that proposal. We worked from 5pm to midnight with light bathroom breaks and a short dinner break. It was intense, but worth it. I was able to sleep about two hours before arriving at the meeting on Friday.

 

Friday, March 1st– Case Study Presentation at Internship Meeting

Gia and I had gone over half the presentation and none of the data. We were going into this half blind. But fortunately, it all turned out okay. Half of the interns are completing their renal rotations. Little note about that: renal is the hardest rotation of the whole internship. Not only is there a travel component of at least 30 minutes by car, but the rotation is individual and involves a ton of assignments. (This is the rotation I mentioned earlier that I will have to travel over an hour for, but that I don’t have another choice.) Ah, and it’s with real patients. So. Yes. They weren’t going to be pulled out for our dinky presentations. Gia and I presented as well as Robin and Kayla (individually). After going over some practice questions we were able to go home.

I may have watched YouTube or something chill, but there was nothing left to do today but sleep.

 

Saturday, March 2nd– Pigeon Photos with Chance and Arcade with Joseph

Glorious sleep! I didn’t want it to end! So, I don’t think I mentioned it, but I’d been having some sick like symptoms all week. Sneezing, snot, and now coughing. But I didn’t feel sick and couldn’t afford to anyway. Well, that’s what I woke up to. So much mucus. :/ But I had plans! I begrudgingly showered and got dressed. I also got into another argument with Axyl. I couldn’t find my toothbrush. He got mad I didn’t ask for his help (he could have let me have a spare of his). I left without saying a word…. but had to come back because I forgot my camera. I suck at dramatic exits it seems.

I did think about not going back for my camera. Chance would just have to deal with it and we’d have to change our plans. I’m so glad I got it though. We went to Old San Juan and got something called piraguas. It’s like a snow cone and it was delicious. 😊 After that, we visited the Pigeon Park. Yes. The one Joseph had mentioned when I went on a date with him last week. …was it last week? O.o Oh my goodness! I loved it! So many pigeons!! I took countless pictures! When I broke down and bought corn to feed them a pigeon came to me and stood on my knee as she ate! :3 I was so happy! She was sooo soft! I didn’t know pigeons were soft!! Ugh!! I am coming back. X)

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Last event of the day was another outing with Joseph. Geez… That sounds a little bad… I don’t remember how it turned out that I scheduled things with both guys this day, but here we are. Joseph and I went to Dave and Busters. Haha! An adult arcade essentially. It was so much fun! He beat me in most things, but it was alright. We both failed miserably at Guitar Hero! X) (I got cocky and chose hard and he did the same!) Have you guys ever done any virtual reality thing? There was this ride. It was more realistic than I expected! I mean, I was still aware of where I was, but if I wasn’t thinking about it, I could have not known! The future is frightening!! Anyway, after our fun we got the tiniest prize with our measly tickets. He got a little orange bouncy ball and I got a blue plastic chicken X)

He’d asked me if I was hungry before heading to the arcade, but I’d said no. He asked me again now to which I responded not really. X) Haha, the poor guy was hungry, so I said I could eat something though I wasn’t really hungry. We ate at the food court of the adjoining mall. Mexican food. It was a fun moment when he was suffering after a bit of salsa and I, the brave one, got a chip drowned in the salsa and just smiled and said it wasn’t spicy. Haha! You guys should have seen his face! First when I smothered the chip in salsa he looked at me like I was a mad woman, then when I said it wasn’t spicy he looked incredulous. XD It was great!

It wasn’t all fun and games though. Eventually we got on the topic of the whole dating app thing and I used that moment to clarify any doubts. I’d told Chance I was dating other people, but I hadn’t told Joseph. Maybe it wasn’t necessary, but I didn’t want to mislead him or make him think that this was something exclusive. I felt him deflate. ☹ I hate that part. When guys get all quite and hurt. I didn’t want to keep seeing him without him knowing though.

I really feel like I’m a step below being Chance’s girlfriend (he doesn’t want to put a label on it, but I feel like we are in an unofficial relationship or even just a step after friends, friends who kiss and stuff, if you will). Because of that, I don’t feel right kissing or being physically affectionate with anyone else. *sigh I had to let Joseph know where I’m at with Chance. It took a few minutes, but the conversation picked up again and we ended the night well. I gave him my number and bid him a good night.

 

Sunday, March 3rd– Watching Silence of the Lambs Again and Making Up with Axyl… Again

Another late awakening. Nice. This time not to snot and sneezing! Woo hoo! Since Joseph is a huge movie buff, I promised to see a movie sometime this week. I decided on Silence of the Lambs. I’d seen it before, but it’d been a while. I think books will always have the #1 spot for me, but I love the story, so it’s interesting to see all it’s adaptations. Honestly, the series mayyyyy beat the book. The one exception to my books are #1.

Axyl and I talked. We are on okay terms again. Man, that’s exhausting. I don’t like being mad with him. I live with him! If I wanted a toxic home environment I would have stayed at the apartment with Karen and Robin!

 

***

Next week!

  • Gia and I go back to the Non-profit! For a week-long community rotation.
  • Chance and I have a spicy food competition! …it was one of those dumb ideas that just sort of happened. This Wednesday! We are going to cook food for the other person. It’s going to be a three-course meal. I’m thinking spicy ice cream for dessert!
  • Easy week. Hey! Not everything can be hectic and exciting! Your girl needs rest too!!

 

 

 

Week of February 18th 2019- Food Bank (A Couple Dates with Chance and Couple Fights with Axyl)

Monday, February 18th– First Day at the Food Bank and Cooking Salmon …kind of

I was late. Gosh! I feel like I am in a high functioning depression. Well, kind of high functioning. Because when I’m down, I’m much more tired than expected physically. Example, I slept about ten hours Saturday and Sunday, but I did not hear a single one of my alarms this morning. Not one! But luckily, Axyl awoke around 8am. It’s a holiday, so he has off. I do not, because it’s a federal holiday and the food bank does not count. So, I was supposed to be in at 8am, but the dietitian there did not respond to my phone calls or emails. Therefore, I planned to arrive at 8am and see if the place was open or not. But…. I hadn’t even woken up by then.

Axyl knew what my plan was, so when he saw me still asleep, he woke me, and I got moving. I called the food bank to at least know if it was open before making the long journey there. It was and the new volunteer coordinator told me to go ahead and come.!!! That’s why the dietitian hadn’t responded to me. She doesn’t work there anymore! Augh! So, I rushed to get ready and begrudgingly took an Uber over there. $25! Augh! I spent the day stocking the little shelves of the food bank. (A lot harder work than it sounds!)

Afterwards I found some energy to go food shopping. My backpack was already full and by the end of it I had a mega stuffed backpack and four heavy plastic bags I was praying would not rip on me. I got home twice as exhausted but showed Axyl the salmon I bought (he’s been talking about craving salmon for a couple months now) so I had to find even more energy to cook it. I guess I didn’t have enough energy because it ended up being cooked only on the outside. X) Sushi am I right?! (Axyl put it back in the pan, no worries!)

Tuesday, February 19th– Another Multi-part Date with Chase (Mall, Bars, and the Beach)

Surprise! I walk into the food bank today to find about five other workers. Yesterday there was only one. I figured it was like this all the time. But nope. And what characters too! I thought I was going crazy thinking one of the guys was hitting on me, but apparently not, because another one of the workers pulled me aside and told me to watch out for him because he would surely ask for my number. Oh goodness. I hate rejecting people, but I’m really not interested.

Speaking of romance, I had a date with Chase planned today. It was an ambitious one too. He planned to take me to the bookstore, a couple bars, and the beach. And he did! He picked me up and took me to the mall first where we’d find the bookstore, but I was ravenous. Today we were stacking and wrapping pallets full of donations for school children. This meant lifting boxes of supplements, milk, and canned goods. 40 pack supplements, 12 liters of milk, that kind of thing. It was tiring. And hungry-making.

So, Chance and I ate at the mall (he made a joke that I was forcing him to be healthy because I’m studying nutrition and tried to pick the healthiest of the fast food options available). I got on my mini soapbox about excess sodium consumption. (Even if you are healthy, most Americans consume much more sodium than recommended.) We swung by the book store, but there was a panel going on, so we didn’t go in. Then, he took me to a comic book store where he found the newest release of his favorite manga (Tokyo Ghoul). He was excited. From there we went to Old San Juan to a bar where we drank cranberry vodkas and played billiards. I started well, but he ended up winning. After stopping at one more bar, we headed to the beach.

Old San Juan Bar View from Above.jpg
View from one of the bars in Old San Juan

I have no idea what beach it was, but it was beautiful. It was a windy night and the sound of the waves filled the air. Then, the sound of Chance’s grimaces did. XD He forgot his sandals and didn’t want to get his shoes filled with sand so he walked barefoot over the painful little rocks on the path. We walked around enjoying the scenery with palm trees every which way. Eventually, we made it up to this structure overlooking the ocean. It was a concrete platform that sloped down back over the path to come up it. Chance said he’d sit on the slope, if I wasn’t afraid of heights and was willing to join him. (Again, I’m not afraid of heights. I’m afraid of falling!) So, to prove him wrong, I went about 3/4ths of the way down this slope about 9 feet above the ground and sat watching the mix of blinking airplanes and steady stars. It was so peaceful with the blowing wind and sound of waves surrounding us. Just us two in a magical little world.

Wednesday, February 20th– Too Tired to Cook

This day wasn’t quite as romantic. We are still making those pallets at the food bank, so it was just a ton of manual labor. When I got home, I was so exhausted that I couldn’t bring myself to cook. Somehow, I was able to finish writing the blog about last week before falling asleep.

Thursday, February 21st– Making Brownies with Chance

Even more manual labor. Yep. I was kind of tired at this point and the workers noticed and asked me what was wrong. I wish I was in the mindset to write more about them. It’s the first rotation that I’ve been able to connect with a team of sorts. Usually it’s just me and my partner and the dietitian in charge of us. It was amazing to come into a group of people by myself especially since I feel I did become a part of them.

Date with Chance to his place to make brownies. 😀 We had another little picnic type thing at the benches outside my apartment. After that we headed to his place. It was somewhat late by then, but plans are plans. I scrambled to get a quick brownie recipe together (I don’t have a go to for that) and a few of the ingredients before heading out. Other than making the brownies, Chance let me start reading his favorite manga (Tokyo Ghoul). I got through the first part before the brownies were ready. I would like to borrow it to keep reading, but I also feel like it’s a lot of responsibility. If something were to happen to it. O.O I could not forgive myself….

In other news, the brownies were awful. XD I thought the recipe was too simple! I was looking for a recipe without baking chocolate since I didn’t have any on hand, but come on! The best brownies are made with baking chocolate! We didn’t let that ruin our night though. Several cuddles later and it was midnight. I was tempted to stay the night, but tomorrow would be my last day at the food bank and I didn’t want to be late. So, I nudged a sleepy Chance out of bed so he could drive me home. *sigh* Responsibilities, why?!

Friday, February 22nd– Last Day at the Food Bank and Visiting Chance at Work

I made it to the Food Bank on time resolved to make it a good day. I was a bit off the day before, but no more! I would make the most of this day. There was a surprise hoard of volunteers that greeted me when I arrived which made the day oddly fun. Though I’d only been at the food bank since Monday, I’d gotten the hang of the basics, so I spent the day doing what I do best: staying out of trouble and helping out on the sidelines. This meant trying to do all the odd jobs the volunteers either didn’t know to do or didn’t want to. Since we were sorting products for most of the day, this involved cutting open the plastic wrap that surrounded the stack of boxes on the pallets and then moving those boxes onto the two workstation tables where the volunteers would empty them, sort the products, and then put them on their new respective pallets.

The person in charge (Mary) warned me the boxes were heavy and not to lift them, but I insisted I could shuffle over the the table two feet away from me. I could, just barely. Soon though, my body got used to the 65 pounds and I was able to carry those boxes to the other side of the room to the second workstation. I felt so cool. At one point one of the volunteers asked for one one of the guys to come pick up a box of supplements they had filled with loose bottles of a supplement. The guy was nowhere in sight and though I feared it could hurt my back (I assumed the box must have been heavy if they were requesting help) I decided to move it myself. It was about half the weight of those big boxes I’d been carrying all morning! XD I repeat, I felt so cool. When it was time to leave for the day, I took a couple pictures with some of the food bank workers and said a brief goodbye to Mary. I really will miss this place. :<

During breaks I’d been messaging Chance and noticed a shift in mood. He’s normally a happy go lucky guy, but he’d been quieter. I asked what was wrong but he avoided the question making me think it was one of those things that are best discussed in person. I went out on a limb and asked if he’d like me to swing by his workplace and visit for a while. He said yes, so I stopped by after the food bank. Tired, dirty, and in a t-shirt, I showed up to the little grocery store Chance works at. I stood awkwardly by the register he was at. Most of the time I spent it waiting for him to not be busy then we’d smile at each other for a bit, but he stepped away a few minutes and bought me this street food called a pincho (basically meat on a skewer). He’s so sweet. feeding me even when he’s at work. He thanked me for helping him pass the time as I was leaving. I hope I did help even if only a little. 🙂

Saturday, February 23rd– Meaningless Saturday

Another Saturday wasted. Axyl and I decided on Friday nights as an evening to relax so that we could recharge and use Saturday and Sunday to work and be productive. Yeah. It’s not working for me. I am extremely avoidant of my problems. So, when I have a ton of work to do, I do nothing. It’s very counterproductive and self destructive. Realizing what I do doesn’t help me improve upon it though. *Sigh* So I did nothing today. Oh, I did irrationally stay up until 3 am though.

Sunday, February 24th– A Couple Fights with Axyl

Axyl said we’d wake up early to go do laundry, but we ended up waking at 9am. It was good though, because by the time we made it to the laundromat most of the early birds were gone and machines were available. That’s about the only productive thing I’ve done all day. Well, I did write this blog. I was so stressed yesterday just thinking about everything I have to do this coming week that I could not focus even for this. I’m just glad I made it to this point. Even though it’s not homework, it’s something and I’ll take that over anxiously playing Sims any day. (That’s what I did Saturday night.)

One last note. I got into two quarrels with Axyl this week, one on Friday night when we went out for sushi before the movie night that then did not happen and the other today (Sunday). The first was because I insinuated Axyl isn’t open to experiences or people here after he was complaining about Puerto Rico again. It was uncalled for and I’m probably just as mad at myself as he is with me about it. It was the way I said it. I took my own stress out on him and that was wrong. I said, “Well if you’re always complaining about this place and its people maybe the problem isn’t Puerto Rico, maybe the problem is you.” Gosh. What is wrong with me?

The second thing was when I was on the phone with a friend of mine asking for advice. I’m not very experienced with this whole physical contact thing. Axyl overheard and when I got off the phone asked me what my conversation had been about. I shouldn’t have told him. I didn’t have to, but I did and got the “be mindful of STDs” talk. I was upset by that. I know he cares. I appreciate that. However, that’s not the reaction I hoped for. I felt he was treating me like a naive child. Which, honestly, that’s fair. I just admitted I don’t know much about this stuff, but I know about STDs! Ugh. He just got mad that I got mad and told me he’d butt out in the future and not ask about my life anymore. That he was just worried about me and that I shouldn’t be reacting this way when he was only being realistic. -____- He says ever since I started dating Chance that I’ve changed.

I hate when people say that. YEAH. People change. People are changed by their experiences and the company they keep. That’s natural. That’s called learning from your mistakes. It’s an important part of life. Ugh. Let’s end that topic here.

***

Coming up next week:

  • Cafeteria rotation. They say it’s a tough one with a ton of assignments, but the dietitian just emailed us back and it seems like the normal amount. Except she told us she couldn’t receive us on Monday and we have an internship meeting on Friday, so a typical week is going to have to be jam packed into Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday. Joy. -____-
  • Food Service Case Study Presentation during the Friday internship meeting. Case study report due that day as well as that research proposal I’ve been procrastinating on since December. Can not turn it in later. Ughhhhghhhghghghhh
  • Maybe a study date with Chance. I’m going to be majorly stressed though, so it may not be the best idea. But when have I ever gone with good ideas in my life, ha! (….I wish that was a joke, guys).
  • One short somewhat sad poem to be posted next Wednesday.
  • I’m trying guys. I’m sorry I didn’t get around to writing part two of my first date with Chance. The plan is to write that during the weekend and have it to you guys by next Sunday. Things are going to be getting very stressful from now on and I don’t feel ready for it, but I don’t want to abandon this blog again. I’ll keep forging on. :/

Week of February 4th 2019- Food Service Week 4 (The Week I Met Chance)

Um, I’m distracted. Gosh. Why do I like to complicate my life? I guess it makes for the best stories. Let’s just say that date with Chance went…well. Very well…

 

Monday, February 4th- Working on that Finance Case Study

Gia and I spent the whole day at the rotation (from 8:30 am to 5pm minus an hour for lunch) in the freezing cold cafeteria working on that darn case study. We were told it was due today or tomorrow, but when the preceptor asked me when we would be presenting I said Tuesday or Wednesday and Gia agreed on Wednesday. Thank goodness! X) Yep. I don’t remember doing anything exciting at home this day.

 

Tuesday, February 5th- INFATUATION?? …or a kindred spirit? First Date with Chance

Today was a fun day at the rotation. Yesterday Gia and I discussed the fact that if we were going to be freezing in that cafeteria working on the case study all day again we might as well bring coffee, some type of pastry, and assorted snacks. Why suffer? So, it was like an all day picnic. Haha, it was fun.

You know what was more exciting? My date with Chance. It was a whole mini series. Oh goodness. I’m… swimming. My mind and tummy are swimming. Geez. This wasn’t supposed to happen. I planned to date different guys and not be exclusive. I’m only in Puerto Rico for another five months! And it’s not like Chance and I are exclusive after one date, but I wouldn’t mind if that were the end result. I wanted to date to have fun. Something carefree. But… Oh goodness, someone please slap me.

The whole thing, and these are his words, were “like a scene from a romantic comedy. It was a hundred times better than expected.” I can’t even begin writing about the date or him. Ahh!! I’m not used to being this giddy. I promise, I’ll write about him and the date, but it was beautiful. …he’s beautiful… Gosh, okay, moving on! Expect that post on Wednesday, February 13th. (No, I’m not waiting until February 14th! Now that would be cheesy!)

 

Wednesday, February 6th- Spontaneous Meetup with Amanda

Gia and I worked on that case study all morning. We presented at mid-day and were dismissed. Yep. This rotation should be four weeks long. Yep. -___-

When I got back to my apartment I called home for the first time in, maybe a month. Oops.. A lot of things have happened and I hate calling home when I’m not okay. My parents can always tell and I don’t like to make them worry. But…I’m suddenly in a good mood… May or may not have to do with the unbelievable date I had yesterday. Definitely did not mention that to my mother. Nor will I. They, my dad especially, would just say I’m supposed to be in Puerto Rico to study, not meet boys. :/

Well, just as I had started cooking some beans, a fellow intern, Amanda, called me to say she was in the area. I put the beans on hold and almost skipped down to the cafe she was at to unravel the story of last night. I’m still swooning… However, both she and Axyl (my two closest friends in this internship) told me to keep dating other people. To which I could only whine and say, “I don’t want to date other people. He’s different”. And they could only shake their heads with disappointment. Ugh. They weren’t there. They don’t know how we connected. *content sigh*

 

Thursday, February 7th- Preceptor Humiliating us in Front of her Employees

The preceptor was a jerk today. She called us into the kitchen and quizzed us on different employee’s names and positions. She did this to prove that Gia and I aren’t spending enough time in the kitchen. It was just a demeaning way of proving her point. We are only at this rotation for one more day. Too little too late anyway! Plus, we spent the whole day doing some paperwork she has to do for employee hours. The preceptor keeps mentioning that this is supposed to be our staff relief week. But… we don’t have staff relief in food service. She just wishes we did.

Either way, we left early-ish and I’ve been procrastinating all day. I took a quick nap while Axyl made potatoes. Other than that, I’ve been chatting with Chance. I have all my assignments for this rotation due tomorrow, so I haven’t had the opportunity to see him in person again. Gosh. I should be working on those assignments, but… he’s so much more interesting…

 

Friday, February 8th- Worker Safety Presentation and Anabelle movies

It was a lame day. Didn’t really do much except wait around until Gia and I had to present a topic to the kitchen workers at the hospital. It went well. I liked it. Presentations are fun. Depending on the topic, of course. Mine was worker safety, so it was stuff they already knew. Don’t wave knives around and don’t leave banana peels on the floor. It was a little bittersweet saying goodbye. We didn’t really spend too much time getting to know everyone in the kitchen, but four weeks is four weeks.

Afterwards I came home to a hungry Axyl who wanted to go buy snacks for our horror movie night. We went to this pharmacy nearby which is really more like a Dollar General type shop with lots of cheapish things. I bought a plate and a couple of bowls. They have polka dots and are green. Cute! :3

Back at home, Axyl and I watched the next two Annabelle movies, though I swear we’d already watched Annabelle Creation. So…I fell asleep in the middle of it.

 

Saturday, February 9th- Impromptu Lunch Date with Chance

Woke up around 11am. Gosh, I was tired. I had barely gotten a cheese stick and some peanuts for breakfast when I got a message from Chance. He asked me if I’d eaten yet. Now, I’m a little dense, but I’m no dummy. I coyly responded that I hadn’t and he offered to pick something up so we could have lunch together. Aww! So sweet. 🙂

When he arrived though, a little boom emanated from under the hood of his car and some white smoke started billowing out. He seemed pretty chill about it though. Just let it cool down before taking a look. We ate lunch on a bench close to my apartment. It was some chinese food (my favorite). Things seemed calmer than the first time. Both of us were a little shy, as if we were meeting for the first time again. The first date was like a dream. It was dark and romantic. Now it was 2pm and the bags under my eyes were on full display along with my greasy I-am-exhausted-hair.

Still, we exchanged stories on different scars we have and customer service horror stories. It was a nice break from thinking about the assignments I have to do. I’ve only met up with him twice now, but when I’m with him it’s like being in a different world. It’s calm and safe and as close to a dream as life can get. *sighh I think I have it bad…

Ah, and about his car. It’s at the mechanic now. I called Richard for help and he speculates Chance’s car may have blown a gasket. Real life plot twist, huh?

 

Sunday, February 10th- I Have Too Many Assignments Due on Monday

Well, I procrastinated most of yesterday, so today I woke up and started working on this darn menu. I’ve done the little corrections to assignments, now I just need to do the menu modifications for a week, two program proposals, and the case study report. Plus build the binder to turn all that in. I’m stressed. And that’s only what I have to do for this rotation from last week. Looks like I’m not sleeping tonight. I should make coffee.

>>>

Next week is supposed to be chill though. This is what’s coming up:

  • Gia and I start a new rotation (finally!). It’s a small community center we will go to for food service experience.
  • Axyl goes out of town for a rotation. I get the apartment to myself for about four days! Yay!
  • I have another date with Chance on Tuesday. It’ll be our third date. 🙂
  • You guys will get to read the whole story about our fairytale first date on Wednesday February 13th.

 

 

Week of January 28th, 2019- Food Service Week 3 (I Got to Help with a Catering Event and Had My First Date from that Dating App I Joined)

Long post warning! I had to describe the whole date. I just had to! XD

Monday, January 28th– Time and Temperature Study

Woo hoo! We actually did something at the rotation today! This is the third week at this hospital for our food service rotation. …Is it bad that I’m excited we had something to do? Today we did a time and temperature study. Basically, Gia and I measured how hot or cold different food items were when the kitchen staff was making the food trays for patients. Then we took the temperatures again when they arrived at the room our fake patient was. Instead of throwing my tray away, I asked if I could eat it for lunch and discovered that just because something is safe to consume according to the time and temperature measurements Gia and I took, it’s not necessarily ideal. I’ll just say this: most things were the perfect temperature to enjoy, gelatin was cold, soup was warm, but others could have been better.

Gia had to leave early today. She had an appointment, so at mid-day she was gone, and I was left in the rotation. It was nice. I got all my work done for the day. Then I went to the kitchen to see if I could help in some way. They were pretty much done for the day though, so I just chatted with one of the cooks. It’s no one’s fault but my own, but the fact remains that I do better by myself. After the rotation, I got home, changed, and went exploring. Specifically, I went in search of a print shop so I wouldn’t have to rush the next morning. Usually I have no choice but to print in the morning since I take my work home with me, but since I’d finished at the rotation today, I figured why not?

Then I slept. Gosh, Axyl left the apartment to go play tennis and by the time he came back I was still sleeping. Even more tired than when I had fallen asleep! This internship… I hope I survive.

 

Tuesday, January 29th– Gia Made a New Friend

No rush in the morning. Not at all. I didn’t want to get up. Axyl woke me when he got home last night around 7 or 8pm, so I got up, ate toast, and stared at a blank computer screen until midnight when I went to sleep again. *Sigh* This internship is exhausting. I woke up about half an hour before I had to go. Axyl is so sweet. He can see how exhausted I am. He tries not to make too much noise in the morning or turn on the overhead light, so I won’t wake up. I thank him for being so considerate.

At the rotation, we haven’t really done much. I’m writing this at 1:45 pm. We were supposed to be back from lunch at 1:15 pm to do some inventory/accounting stuff so I’ve been sitting here waiting. Gia, however, seems to have befriended the intern from another internship. They got back from lunch not even five minutes ago.

At home I spent my time dreading working on assignments and procrastinating by talking to my matches from the dating app. It’s a bit strange. I have three matches at the moment. Only have a pending date with one, but they all seem like cool people. Who knows what will come of this? I’m just glad to have people to message with.

 

Wednesday, January 30th– They Fed Me till I Wanted to Puke! Helping with the Catering Event

Gia and her new friend seem happy. They went to lunch together while I stayed eating a sandwich in the office by myself. When the dietitian, who graciously shares her desk with us interns returned, I left to get a coffee so she could have her desk back. Our preceptor had left to buy some things for this special event the kitchen was in charge of catering for that night and wasn’t back by the time lunch was over. Gia and her friend weren’t back yet either, so I went to the kitchen and helped with the event preparation. That was super fun! I got to help one of the chefs make a chicken dip, decorative lime display, and mousse cups. In return, the kitchen staff gave me a taste of pretty much anything they could. Oof! I wish I hadn’t had that coffee. I was already full before they started feeding me.

After that I wandered back to the office and found the preceptor. We were about to go to the finance department to get some paperwork when the nice chef I’d been helping came in with another delicious sample. It was a “superfood” salad. Please don’t ask me about superfoods. There is no one food that solves all of a person’s health problems or prevents them. Diet variety is key. Moving on. But anyway, this salad was a grain and greens salad with chickpeas, pumpkin seeds, and other things in a balsamic dressing. It was so good! I felt like I was about to throw up though. I was so full! X)

Eventually the preceptor and I made it to the finance department. On the way back, she started reminiscing about her intern days, which was really sweet. It’s nice to be reminded that these dietitians that allow us to come into their workplace and try to teach us about their specialty went through the same thing. Nutrition internships are intense… Anyway, when we got back to the office Gia was back from helping her friend do an acceptability study. I helped the preceptor balance the invoices Gia and I need to work on  for this case study I suggested. (It’s about analyzing purchasing order errors. Like accounting. Kind of lame, but I thought it’d be interesting.) Still, the kitchen staff kept feeding me. Gia looked at me a bit jealous, but whatever.

 

Thursday, January 31st– Working on an Accounting Case Study

This morning I asked for my corrected menu assignment back. The preceptor had had it for about two weeks and still hadn’t gotten it back to me. She gave it back and I started working on it. Then she called me and Gia into her office and went over the pending assignments making a comment about how the time we have in the rotation should be used to work on group things not our individual assignments. Guess what Gia was doing all day yesterday while I was balancing invoices with the preceptor for our shared case study? She was working on her menu! Why? Because it was supposed to be a two-week menu and she somehow only turned in one week of it. How is that fair? Mhm ‘kay.

So Gia and I went through all of the invoices and extracted data. Before starting that, we went upstairs to buy some breakfast. So, by the time lunch came around neither of us were very hungry. Gia suggested just going to get some coffee, and I obliged. It was the cutest tiny coffee shop across the street. After drinking a cup of coffee Gia left and I bought some Doritos to make time. 30 minutes later I returned to the hospital where Gia and I kept going through invoices.

Back at home I got a new match on that dating app I joined. Let’s call him Chance. He’s a year younger than me. I don’t usually go for younger guys, but I’m all for benefit of the doubt.

 

Friday, February 1st– Renal Orientation and Amanda Chopped Off My Hair

I stayed up all night working on an important assignment. Gosh, that was some strong coffee! At 6:30 am I rode with some of my fellow interns (Sue, Amanda, and Axyl) to go to an orientation for our renal rotations. Renal is one of the few rotations that are individual. This means I don’t have to go with Gia for this one. This is good and bad. Good because being with one person for a year will drive anyone insane. Bad because- well this can also be good, but- no shared work. Everything will be up to me. Eh, I’ll survive. Renal is notorious for being the most difficult rotation though. That’s why they give all of the interns an orientation at once.

It was intense. Imagine four two-hour lectures back to back to back to back. Oh, and the topics are stats, anatomy, physiology, and medical nutrition therapy. All about kidneys. I took a ton of notes. Not just because notes are a good idea for long lectures, but more so I wouldn’t fall asleep!

After the orientation, Sue drove Axyl and me home. Amanda tagged along as she had promised to cut my hair and recently Axyl’s hair too. Axyl went first and he turned out okay. I told Amanda I wanted bangs and a trim but that I trusted her to decide how to do that. Welp. The trim part was lost in translation. I see her cutting my bangs, a little snippet to the side then a big snippet towards the back. Not in bang territory anymore. A big chunk of hair. I asked what she was doing and she replied she was giving me a new look. ….it was too late to salvage my long hair. A whole chunk was missing! So, I told her as much and she kept going.

I was growing out my hair. It was almost down to my hips. Maybe an inch or more to go. …Now it’s about an inch or two away from my shoulders. It looks great! But it wasn’t what I was expecting. I was in shock. Goodness. Oh well. It’s just hair. I told Amanda if I were another person she would have been in trouble. You have to make triple sure before you lob off a long-haired girl’s mane! That takes dedication! *sigh* Nothing left to do but embrace my new short look..

 

Saturday, February 2nd– First Date with a Match from the Dating App! …He Took Me to the Mall…. -_____-

Got a hot date! XD I need to write about my matches. It’ll probably be its own post. Haha, I sound like such a slut…. At least that’s what Axyl calls me. We get along a little too well now. X) The date was interesting… Let’s call this guy Jay. So, Jay was my first match on the dating app. He made me laugh right off the bat and seemed decent. He’s the geeky type who likes anime and video games, but from the conversation I’d had with him through the app, he still seemed capable of talking about other things. Which is important! That’s why I asked to meet up with him. He said yes and suggested going to the mall. -____- That was odd.

Okay, I know age is just a number, but I feel it necessary to say this guy is 29. And he suggested going to the mall. I still went. It was the most awkward thing at first. He didn’t seem to have a plan at all. I asked if we had an end destination or if he just wanted to walk around? He opted for walking. We ended up going inside a store where we stood awkwardly by the anime rack chatting. More like him talking about anime. I have nothing against anime. I like it. However! I haven’t watched many, so I can’t really have a good conversation about it.

Eventually we moved to a bench and just chatted there. That was the best part. The conversation started flowing and I started to relax. He complimented my hair and told me I looked pretty. Hee hee! At some point I remembered Axyl had asked me to text him sometime during the date to make sure Jay wasn’t some psycho. I did and that’s when we noticed we’d been talking for two and a half hours! I asked him what would happen then because I was hungry and he could come with or without me. He opted to come with and so I asked if we’d be going in his car since I got there by train to which he responded there was food at the mall. -____- When a girl says let’s get out of here…. Oh gosh. This boy needed a slap across the face.

So, we ate at the food court. He, the gentleman he is, gave me a coupon for free fries. That’s what I ate. I got anxious and didn’t order a sandwich. My explanation? “I like potatoes…. Not a lot! Just the normal amount! ….” *face palm* Why am I so awkward?! I joked that my friends had asked me if he was going to take me to the arcade since he’d suggested going to the mall. …so, we went to the arcade. I sucked at air hockey and pac man but completely crushed him at Mario Kart! So, it was okay. Then he suggested going to the bookstore. Alright. At this point I was ready to go. I gave him about ten more minutes before saying it was getting late and that I should be going.

He offered to drive me to the train stop and asked for my hand as we walked to his car. Holding hands was nice. He’d mentioned he liked to go slow on the whole physical thing. :/ I’m not anything close to a sexually liberated human being. But… a girl has needs. This boy just stood there awkwardly when we got to the train station as I said, “well, looks like this is goodbyeee….”. I was waiting for him to do something! Hug, kiss, a handshake even! Nothing! This boy just stood there!! So, I put my arms out for a hug. That was nice. Gosh. I don’t want to sleep with a ton of guys, but I am deficient in hugs. I just want some hugs! We agreed to hang out sometime and with that I went inside the train station.

 

Sunday, February 3rd– Errands with Axyl

Got up late. Axyl had told me to set an alarm early to go do laundry, but we both ended up waking up around 10am… oops. After laundry we tried going to Costco, but it seems that bus doesn’t run on weekends. Instead we went to a regular grocery store. Then I got irrationally sad and have been procrastinating since. Gosh, I have to finish a case study for tomorrow. :p

***

QUESTION TIME!

Hi. ^-^ I know I’m super busy all the time, but I want to hear from you guys! Maybe I’ll make it big one day and not have time to respond to comments but for now I do have the attention span to go through the one comment a month that I get. Take advantage of that, guys! (I mean maybe I won’t make it big ever, but hey! No need to be so pessimistic!)

If you have a follow up question about something I mentioned like “so what happened with your new match?” (hint, something is happening with him), or if you have a comment like “I can’t believe he asked you out to the mall!”, or even a similar experience like “ooh! This last time I went to get my hair cut the lady ended up making my hair green! And I didn’t even schedule a dye that day!!”. Anything! I’d love to hear from you guys. Okay, well anything as long as it isn’t mean/bullying. That’s not cool. Other than that, have at it! Let me know what you think! 🙂

I want to try something. I hope it inspires some comments. I’ll leave you guys a question at the end of each weekly post… until I am convinced it won’t work, I guess. I’m curious,

How would you have reacted if someone drastically cut your hair without you explicitly agreeing to it?

 

Coming Up Next Week:

  • Accounting case study due
  • Date with Chance
  • Last week in food service rotation

It’s not much, but I can’t predict the future. Other exciting things could happen. Come back next Monday to find out! 😀

 

 

Week of November 20th- Thanksgiving Week-Part 1

The moment has come. If you think my life is like a real-life soap opera, then get ready, because this week is probably the most eventful one I’ve had first hand. As you may or may not know, depending on if you read my weekly blogs, I got pretty busy/discouraged/whatever you want to call it/these are just excuses and I stopped writing for this blog in the middle of November last year. So, I started re-capping those weeks every Friday starting last Friday. The week before this, I had a good week. I was in my telemedicine rotation for my nutrition internship with my internship partner Gia and I got to express my creative side. That, plus the kind evaluation from the preceptor I had that week was just what I needed to get out of this long grasp of sadness I had been in.

A Word about Gia’s Experiences

That week wasn’t as helpful for Gia, though. She claims she isn’t a creative type (something I think she could be if she’d let herself, but these are digressions). For her, the whole week was just work and another evaluation. She’d been slowly getting more and more discouraged and just done with this internship and life in Puerto Rico. It was in the following week- Thanksgiving week- that she finally had enough.

She told me she was ready to go home and that she didn’t know if she wanted to be a dietitian and that it was too much financial strain to put her family through (the internship is 40 hour work weeks not including travel time or business trips out of town with no pay or transport and extra assignments and projects on top of that, so getting a job is difficult to say the least). She had told me this all before, but something was different. I could tell she was ready to do something about how she felt.

At first, I tried as I always did when someone came to me with similar concerns (trust me, she wasn’t the only person to express such thoughts to me). I asked her to remember why she had started, urged her not to give up halfway through. What I did not do was beg her to stay, and much less to stay for my sake. Since we are internship partners, we go to every rotation together (remember we are both not from Puerto Rico, so everywhere we go is new). We often get assignments that are meant for us to do together (essentially each of do half the work) and well, it’s a big commitment. But I didn’t guilt her into anything. In fact, after my initial attempt to urge her to see the bright side or the benefits of staying, I gave up on her.

I did. I wasn’t going to keep her around by force or guilt. She would just keep feeling awful the rest of the internship year, if she didn’t, on her own account, decide she wanted to stay. So, I gave up. I figured she’d go to the brink and stay… or not. But I was gambling that she’d stay.

The Fallout- Ambush Meeting with Gia and the Director of the Program

Welp, how did that go for me? Gia went to the director and they talked for HOURS. I was in the department of health, as were two other interns that day, since it was Thanksgiving week and that Tuesday and Wednesday were optional for us to work. It was Tuesday and I remember me and the two other interns were chatting in the morning while Gia went into her meeting with the director. Here in Puerto Rico everyone and their grandmother eats lunch at exactly 12 ‘o clock noon, so when the time came the three of us interns working in the office left to take our hour lunch break. We came back at 1pm and still no sign of Gia or the director. Some time after, maybe 20 to 30 minutes, and the director comes to where we interns are and asks if I’ll go with her for a minute. I say yes and follow her to a little balcony type area where I see a guilty looking Gia staring at the table in front of her avoiding my gaze.

The director invites me to sit and then does so herself. After which she says, that if I don’t want to be in this internship that’s fine, but I have to find a way to deal with those feelings because they are affecting my partner who does want to be here.

Yes. I wish I could say I’m making that up for dramatic effect, but it’s what actually happened. I felt like someone had punched me in the gut. I felt blindsided. I glanced at Gia. She was still staring at the table. I couldn’t speak. I don’t remember what happened immediately after; I was just so shocked. Throughout the course of this ambush (I don’t think meeting is the right word for what it was), the director told me at least four separate times that if I wanted to leave the internship or I decided it wasn’t the best option for me that there would be no hard feelings and that it was a perfectly valid option and that she would support me in whatever career choice I made. That it would not reflect badly on me.

Director Told Me I Had Disrespected Her. Twice.

She also told us interns at the orientation stage of the internship back in August that interns are significantly more likely to get kicked out of the program for disrespect than for turning in late assignments, academic struggles or anything else. Then she told me I had disrespected her twice already. WHAT?! I, a meek, quiet, would rather not say anything than say the wrong thing, (arguably) a generally nice person, had disrespected her?! Twice?! That was shock #2!

I asked how I had disrespected her. She told me the first was when I didn’t have an assignment that was due. If you read that blog (link here), you’ll know that that week I had my clinical case study, a clinical rotation, and had barely slept or ate. It was a horrible week. I could have turned in both assignments half done, but I made a choice and decided to focus on the case study that I had to present to the director and my fellow nine interns. So, I didn’t have the grant proposal to turn in that day.

The director had a strong suspicion that I wouldn’t have it, maybe that’s why she went around the room asking each intern to hold up their grant proposal and asking them if they had it. When it was my turn, I simply replied no. I wasn’t about to beg or make excuses, especially not in front of all the other interns. That was apparently disrespect #1. She said she took it as if I was challenging her authority by not turning in something she had assigned with the way I answered.

Disrespect #2

The second disrespect was when I didn’t know the right answer. This was a month or so after the first incident when another intern was presenting her case study. After her presentation, the director asked the audience of us interns a question. Something about the adverse effects of iron and patients with constipation. I’ll spoil it for you and tell you that the reason iron supplements aren’t recommended to patients with constipation is that iron can cause constipation, so that’d just make the original problem worse. Well, I didn’t know that at the time, so when the director got tired of waiting for someone to answer, she singled me out to answer the question. I did not know the answer. Also, before I used to use critical thinking and apply what I already knew to make educated guesses when I didn’t know something for sure. However, a preceptor had beaten that out of me.

She was my first clinical preceptor. Remember the last month, back in September when I stopped writing for this blog? It was that rotation that completely discouraged me about my chosen career. That preceptor told Gia that she and I had to stop guessing. That’s how she called it. So, I stopped thinking critically. By the time the director asked me that question about iron, I was so defeated and tired and done that I just said, “I don’t know.” That was disrespect #2.

Closing Remarks

The last memorable comment the director made was about my reaction when I found out I’d failed my case study. That case study I just told y’all I suffered for and didn’t even turn in my grant proposal because I was so focused on working on it? Yep, that’s the one. I presented in front of my nine peers and the director having slept maybe three hours in the past two days only to fail it. When I found out, I didn’t say a thing. I just got the information about what would happen (that I’d have to do another case study and present again) and said nothing. Gia cried. (She also failed hers.) When the director told me I did not have a normal reaction to failing my case study, I wanted to shout “What was I supposed to do? CRY? Like Gia?!”.

Gosh. Even just thinking about this again is getting me fired up. At the moment I felt ambushed. Here I was called into an unforeseen meeting with the director of my internship program and my internship partner being told that my depressive tendencies are dragging my partner down and that I need to learn how to manage that for her sake (not even for my sake!) Gosh. I need a break. I am too angry to write about this.

Alright, so it’s the next day and I see that this post is already over two pages long. You know what that means! SUSPENSE! I’m going to make this a two-part post. If you think this meeting is the exciting part of the week, you aren’t wrong, but something else happens that matches it in drama. Plus… the meeting isn’t over.

Week of January 21st 2019-Food Service Week 2 (Mostly Ranting About Anxiety… Then Coping by Joining a Dating App)

Monday, January 21st- Learning to Make Menus and Exploring Puerto Rican Cuisine

Nothing fun today. Just went to the rotation where the preceptor told Gia and I we were “failing in even the most basic of things” in regards to the two week menu we turned in. So, she spent the morning explaining how to properly write a menu, the structure and whatnot and even the types of culturally appropriate foods in Puerto Rico. Man, I was wrong. There are a lot of different foods in Puerto Rico. I’m still not on the starchy vegetable bandwagon though! We got to try a few and one downright tasted like chalk! (Yautia, featured image above)

Tuesday, January 22nd- Anxiety Hurts Me and Those Around Me

My day was tainted by Gia snapping at me. I hate how I let my anxiety prevent me from doing so many things. I’ve gotten good at working around it. I enable my own anxiety by finding ways to work with it instead of defying it., but I’ve gotten too good at it to the point that it’s just natural to me. Today I didn’t want to get up to ask the preceptor a question. Gia had a question on her part of the partnered assignment due today. I dreaded it. So, I didn’t jump on that band wagon. Instead I was beginning to suggest a way to do the assignment without asking the preceptor. I was in the middle of telling Gia we could print it the way it was and if the preceptor said something still needed to be fixed, I would print the page with the changes.

I didn’t get through my sentence before Gia snapped at me, blaming me for not letting her ask the preceptor. It was my anxiety! Mine! didn’t want to ask the preceptor. Of course, I didn’t enthusiastically jump up and run with her to ask! I never prohibited her from asking!! I simply didn’t encourage it. Ugh. I hate myself. This topic has come up before. You’ll get to read about a big dramatic thing that happened when I post about Thanksgiving break from last year (I think that should be up by Friday). Basically, Gia has brought up me holding her back because I, in her words, “get annoyed” or otherwise make her feel bad for asking questions. get in my way of that. have anxiety. am not in control of it at the moment. I don’t mean for that to affect her. The effect it has on me already drives me crazy. Ugh. I hate myself.

So I bought ice cream, a little fast food strawberry pie and other random junk. I don’t have time to cope in a healthy way. Gosh. Don’t be like me. Please.

Wednesday, January 23rd- Sorry, Just Ranting about Anxiety. Feel Free to Skip

You know, I annoy myself. I do. I don’t like the person I am. At least other people can get away from me. They can snap at me or cast me out. Believe me, I can do that to myself too, but what I can’t do is get away from myself. Which stinks, because a lot of the time, I wish I could. Today, I apologized to Gia for suggesting some complicated, unnecessary way to complete the assignment yesterday without asking the preceptor because I was too anxious for that to even be an option for me.

I told her I am frustrated at myself and I hate that anxiety keeps me from doing even normal type things in my life. I told her it’s even worse when it affects other people and that I am not in control of it right now. That I know I’m always apologizing for the same things, but that I do genuinely feel bad every time and it’s not something I can fix over night, but that I would work on it to at least not affect any group work we have to do.

She didn’t respond well to it. She told me she’s sick of getting counted off for things that are my flaws not hers because I’m her partner. Specifically, she mentioned the Spanish language difficulty some of our preceptors have put on our evaluations. (I grew up speaking Spanish, but not reading or writing it like she did.) She also said it does bother her when I prevent her from doing things. (I did not! I didn’t want to ask, but I did not tell her not to go ask! But I guess that’s how she perceives it.) She concluded by saying that I’ll never understand her, and she’ll never understand me, but she wasn’t going to argue when I didn’t agree to something she wanted to do since that would avoid problems.

Really? And this isn’t a problem? Getting upset every other day and apologizing for it to be thrown back in my face? That’s better than just telling me, “hey, I understand you don’t want to go ask do you mind if I go ask?”? That would have been the end of it. But I didn’t say that. I just said softly and sincerely, “and you think this is better?”. She looked me straight on and said, “Yes.” in this hard, determined voice. I said, “okay.”.

Then I got home and was okay, until Axyl brought up my anxiety. He said I have to be more outgoing and ask questions and that he can’t understand why that’s so hard for me. That it would help the preceptors get to know me a bit and blah, blah, blah. I tried to explain, just as I’d tried to explain to Gia this morning how I understand intellectually that talking and asking questions is the solution. I see all the benefits it would bring versus being shy and quiet. However, emotionally it doesn’t even seem like an option. He stared at me with blank eyes and no understanding. That triggered me into a sad state, and I spent the next hour or so hiding out in the kitchen singing songs softly.

Thursday, January 24th- Last Time at my Old Apartment!

First day I didn’t have to go to a print shop before my food service rotation. That was nice. We actually had stuff to do today which was even better. The preceptor had a meeting this morning but left us to do some accounting invoices. I liked that. Instead of some other times where we kind of just waited around. I guess we could have gone to the kitchen and observed or something, but read above (Anxiety!). Yeah, I like accounting work. Later Gia and I scampered over to the nearby McDonald’s since the kitchen at the hospital is super cold and full. We bought a pie and sat inside. It was super awkward to eat my lunch there. A hot dog. Clearly not on the menu… XD haha!

Afterwards I walked back with Gia to my old apartment complex. There I got to meet Uuie’s dog (a fellow intern’s and one of Gia’s roommates). I also went to my old apartment to clean up the left over trash I’d left in my room when I moved out in a rush. I returned the keys to a terse Robin who didn’t even want to look at me and I knocked and knocked and knocked on Karen’s door to settle some money matter (to finish that topic and tell her I don’t even want her money anymore). She didn’t open the door. Even so, it felt SO GOOD to leave that apartment. I never have to go back!!!!

Friday, January 25th- Hiding in the Broom Closet Drinking Coffee with Gia XD

The preceptor was busy all morning. She was doing some paperwork until about 11:30 am. So, Gia and I hung out in the kitchen for the most part. We were given a cup of coffee by one of the kitchen workers, but we didn’t want to get told off by our preceptor for lollygagging, so what did we do? We (I’m completely serious about this) hid in the supply closet while we sipped our coffee. Ha! It was hilarious. We were giggling over our cups half the time. I wonder if the other interns get themselves into comic situations like we do.

Once the preceptor was finished, she assigned us more projects to do. One is to find a recipe and adapt it for 100+ people. Some sort of rice or pasta or starchy vegetable which Puerto Ricans group into what’s called “farinaceos”.  It’s a whole separate food group here which also includes bread. It’s like the U.S. carbohydrate food group but including starchy vegetables. Anyway, there’s that plus a proposal for a recycling program and a proposal for an outpatient clinic. We are just her little monkeys, aren’t we? All the work we do either helps her get ahead (like the accounting stuff we did the other day) or she uses to present to her bosses. Isn’t that convenient? I mean, if I have free labor (the internship doesn’t pay us interns), I’d use it too, but come on!

After lunch we went around the department and observed the preceptor give a meeting to her kitchen staff about areas to improve and what health inspectors look for. When it ended (two hours later!!), Gia and I got to help fill up cups of juice and package the snacks for that night. 🙂 That was fun! I’d work doing that. It’s calming to do a repetitive task. When I got home, I took a shower then chit chatted a bit with Axyl before he fell asleep. At 7pm! So I watched a movie and called it a day myself.

Saturday, January 26th- I Got on a Dating App…

What did I do Friday night after watching the movie? I decided my life isn’t busy enough, so I finally caved and got on a dating app. Epp! I’ve never been on one and I’m not what you would call a promiscuous person. So, I was pretty hesitant since as far as I know, most dating apps are known for hook up culture. (Maybe that’s not the case, but it’s what I’ve heard.) Well, I gave it a shot on a whim and after setting up my profile, promptly fell asleep. I woke up late. I know I have a ton of assignments to do, but ugh… it’s overwhelming.

I spent the day chatting with a match I got on the dating app and with Richard. Haha, I got Richard and Axyl to talk with each other. That was funny. They are my two best guy friends, so it was cool that they hit it off. Both are these super direct, I-Don’t-Care-If-It-Hurts-Your-Feelings-It’s-The-Truth kind of people.

As for the guy from the dating app, he was alright. Made me laugh right off the bat, but the conversation didn’t completely flow. By the end of the day, I asked to meet up with him. I have a date with him next Friday.

Sunday, January 27th- Someone Send me Motivation, Please

I don’t know what I’ve done all day. Procrastinate and stuff mainly. I’m not motivated and can’t find the energy to work without motivation. *sigh* I’m so tired.

 

Notes:
Photo Credit to Lovesx-70 on Flikr

Week of November 12th, 2018- Telemedicine (I got to make a balloon sculpture!)

It’s been a while since I had this rotation. But, since I promised, here’s what I remember. I think in every internship there’s talk about superiors. For us nutrition interns, we have preceptors which are dietitian nutritionists that supervise us during different rotations. For this rotation, our preceptor was quite infamous. We’d gone to an orientation for the company back in August where she said hardly two words. Instead, she sat stoically observing every single one of us in the room. It was intimidating.

Especially, since she had this sort of style to her. Sharp, slick, intensely red bob haircut, pressed, professional dress, and a stern expression that could only say, “I am a working professional, but whatever you do, don’t slack off and do not cross me.”

The ten of us interns were paired up in August in order to complete the 20+ rotations required to complete the internship and be eligible to take our licensure exam. By the time my internship partner, Gia, and I went to Telemedicine, only one pair had gone before us. That pair warned us that this preceptor was intimidating, yet super nice to your face, but would screw you over in the evaluation. (In order to pass the rotations interns must get at least an 80% in evaluations.) Yikes!

First day at Telemedicine

Well, our first day wasn’t bad. She was super nice and offered to help in anything she could, but I’d been warned, so I didn’t believe any of it. The first day we were also given a surprise photoshoot. Well, just one photo, but gosh, you could warn a girl! To make things worse, this photo would be used on the cover of a company newsletter (for an article we were assigned to write). Other than that, we spent most of the time smiling at all of the medical professionals (mostly nurses and social workers) who our preceptor introduced us to.

As a side note, Gia and I were both pretty discouraged and, I dare say, depressed. Remember that the rotation we’d had the week before had been Intensive Care Unit (ICU) where we were judged for being American and didn’t do so hot in our evaluations. (Read about that rotation here.) Well, we hardly said a word. Most of the week we spent it in silence. Quietly working on our assignments. We made a brochure, wrote a newsletter article, created a recipe for guacamole, analyzed the recipe’s nutritional content, blah blah, so much work.

One day, we also called patients over the phone to give them nutritional interventions. It wasn’t that bad. We had a script to follow and only had to break from that was when people told us what they usually eat in a day. After that, we’d say something along the lines of, “well I notice you tend to eat lots of fruits but what about vegetables” or “I notice you enjoy processed foods in your daily diet, remember that processed foods often have a lot of sodium added which can raise your blood pressure”. You know, stuff like that.

Food Taste Test! Guacamole!

The real exciting part of this week was the food taste testing! For this, Gia and I came up with a simple guacamole recipe. One day the preceptor took us to a little vegetable stand where we bought most of the ingredients and, since she had stressed decoration, to the dollar store and a party store. I went wild with that! I mean, I like nutrition enough, but…. Decorating and crafts and fun! I got a tablecloth, some tissue paper, and balloons! Ahh! I was excited.

On the day of the event we loaded things into our preceptor’s van and I will tell you, I have no idea how I got the measurements right, but the balloon columns I made fit perfectly! I loved the experience. It was a huge room crammed with people wearing headsets in front of computers. Hundreds of cubicles. Whenever people had a minute, they’d wander to our bright orange table (featured picture above) to get some chips and guacamole. Since Puerto Rican cuisine isn’t known for spicy foods, we made a bowl of guacamole without chili and a smaller bowl with. I enjoyed sneaking in more chili whenever the preceptor wasn’t looking to really give the brave people who asked for it a kick. Hee hee!

Too soon though, it was over, and we were packing up to leave. At the last moment though, the people who had come for a sample several times asked if they could have the guacamole we had left over if they brought us a bowl or container. They took all of it! Woo! That is what I call a successful taste testing!

Failed Home Visit

The next day, it was time to go do a patient home visit. Apart from phone health services, this company also offers home visits from nurses, therapists, social workers, and dietitians to patients with certain health problems like uncontrolled hypertension or diabetes. Our patient was disabled, so when we arrived at his home and found he was by himself (thus could not get up to open the locked door for us) we had to return to the company. I was a bit apprehensive since I’d never done a home visit and Gia and I were supposed to be the ones who would carry out the evaluation. Sooo, I didn’t mind too much when we lost that opportunity.

Scary Evaluation Time

The only thing left to do was our evaluations. The preceptor took us into a closed room one at a time. I was first. Nervous, since I’d heard she was a tough evaluator from the previous pair, I sat in front of her flame red hair and piercing eyes. But she was kind. She told me she hoped I’d speak more and interact with other health professionals more. She also commented on my subpar grammar (everything we turned in was in Spanish and most things I turned in in such a rush that the grammar would have been equally as bad in English…).

I felt at ease with her. I asked her what I could do to improve my professional appearance as about 90% of my preceptors before her had commented I needed improvement on that but hadn’t explained what specifically I needed to improve. She told me, my make up and hair was impeccable but that on the first day my uniform was wrinkled and that first impressions are important. Good, I told her. I explained that every week I felt like I put more and more junk on my face and as a person who usually never wears make up, I was desperate to find a stopping point. Alright, so foundation, eyeshadow, mascara, blush, and eyebrow powder was enough. Phew!

She admitted she wasn’t very into make up herself. But that that’s the culture here. She had also told us she was rather shy when she did her nutrition internship. She said she’d seen that excited spark of my personality when I talked about the decorations I planned and during the taste testing and that I should allow myself to be open and sociable like that more often. She gave me goals to work for and (I believe) honestly and wholeheartedly wished to see me grow from this internship. My heart was restored. It’d been so long since I felt someone, especially a preceptor had seen me and encouraged me. I needed a preceptor like her.

Hopes for the Future

I hope to visit her towards the end of the internship and show her how much I’ve grown. I want to make her proud. She was the first nudge to get me out of that depression I was in. The next was a shove directly from the director of my internship program. Come back next Friday to read about Thanksgiving break 2018.

That week wasn’t relaxing. It included meeting an eccentric Uber driver in a sports car, getting pulled into a meeting with my internship director where she told me I had disrespected her, and a makeshift Thanksgiving dinner with Gia and Karen. (The most fun part of the week being meeting the Uber driver, of course. 😉)