Tag: Mariah

Posted in My Life Now, Texas- Living with Parents

My First Weekly Blog of 2020- Visiting College Buddies, New Year, New Job?, First Triathlon! (Yes, all in 7 days)

Posted on by Lizzie Gomez

Things have been half crappy, half okay. …All in all, I like those odds.

 

Monday, December 30, 2019- Lazing around in West Texas

So, if you read the update I posted a few days ago, you’ll know that I planned a little vacation following my dietetic certification exam as motivation/kind of punishment depending on how that turned out. Fortunately, I passed and am now a registered dietitian. I’d spent the weekend crashing on my former university roomie’s couch in West Texas. However, Sherri had a flight to catch in order to visit family this Monday morning, so I found myself waking up in Mariah and Richard’s bed. 😬 (<- my favorite emoji, by the way)

Continue reading “My First Weekly Blog of 2020- Visiting College Buddies, New Year, New Job?, First Triathlon! (Yes, all in 7 days)” →

Posted in Texas- Living with Parents

Fall 2019- Being Sad then Doing Something About It (Overall Summary of the First Six Months since Moving Back in with my Parents After 5 Years Away at University and Such)

Posted on by Lizzie Gomez

A lot has happened since summer when I wrote my last “weekly” blog, haha…… so before posting that this weekend, this is the shortest version I could bring myself to write about the highlights (and lowlights) of the last six months since I’ve moved back in with my parents.

 

Lots of Sadness with One Glimmer of Happiness for someone else, not me (of course!)

Continue reading “Fall 2019- Being Sad then Doing Something About It (Overall Summary of the First Six Months since Moving Back in with my Parents After 5 Years Away at University and Such)” →

Posted in Uncategorized

The Happiest I’ve Ever Been

Posted on by Lizzie Gomez

I have four unfinished drafts. I haven’t written in four weeks… or more. I get four new ideas every sleepless night. There’s too much and not enough going on in my life. And I can’t take it anymore. I’m writing at 3 am and decided to publish whatever word vomit I create. A friend of mine once suggested (likely out of pity) that my readers must like the honesty that these sad writing sessions are born from. He said this after I expressed confusion that one such word vomit post did infinitely better, views-wise, than a post I spent upwards of eight hours on.

 

Audio of this post:

 

The Best Four Months of My Life

 

Living on my own, therapy, love, and more…

I want to write. I do. I used to fight for myself. I did very well- surprisingly well- the first semester I moved into an apartment on campus by myself. Sure I had apartment-mates, but I saw them each no more than three times that whole school year (they were worse recluses than me!). It took until finals time to falter. That semester in group therapy I gave more advice than sought it. My life was great and I ran with that. Literally. That was when I started running. I wanted to do a 5K. About two months in I was pushing myself and that was the only area in my life I would not be satisfied with. I wanted to continuously improve and did.

I loved my life that year. It was the best semester of my life. Best three or four months of my life. I did things because I wanted to and that was that. I tried the whole vegetarian thing. I was looking into studying abroad. It was glorious. And, of course, I was in love. My first boyfriend. That’s pure. Completely the wrong person for me and that became blatantly apparent in the next few months, but for that brief beginning… it was glorious. I didn’t know I could be so happy.

 

Friendship, Healthier Coping, and Constant Support

That was the semester I began a friendship with one of the most caring people I’ve ever met- Mariah. I’d never had such a close friendship with someone before. It’s incredible she’s still my friend. That was also the semester we both turned 21. Every other weekend we’d get together, just the two of us (well with her boyfriend playing video games on a nearby couch), at her apartment to hang out and try different types of alcohol. Not the wildest college drinking stories. Not even close. But the best I could have asked for.

I’ve had issues with emotional overeating since I was about 10 years old. That semester? Not until finals time. It was like I imagine nicotine cravings are. Awful. Constant. And gnawing. Obviously, it wasn’t without a couple slip ups, but until I gave up during finals week… it was amazing. I sang so much that semester. Constant music. That’s what they always say. Therapists and other positive role models I’ve had: replace negative behaviors with positive ones. It’s so difficult. Sounds simple, but a song isn’t as effective as a donut for me. Not at first. That’s the semester I learned to be okay with crying. I’d been told crying isn’t shameful since I’d started therapy two years prior to that semester, but on my then boyfriend’s shoulder I accepted it.

It was my first semester as manager at a little food shop on campus. I met my coworkers I’d be friends with for the remainder of my university career. I was so nervous about my first leadership role. The boyfriend was constant support through anything and everything that semester. I’d never had that. With him, my therapists, my friends, and a pinch of belief in myself I learned I could be happy. I didn’t have to keep punishing myself for something I felt I deserved.

 

Beginning to Like Myself and Learning to Enjoy Life

I can’t underestimate this next part. I’ve hated the way I look, especially my weight, over any horrible thought I’ve ever had about my intelligence or other abilities. I never in a million years thought I’d look at myself with anything but disgust and shame. That semester, sometimes I’d wish I looked like someone’s reflection or shadow I’d catch at the corner of my eye then I’d realize that reflection or shadow had been mine. It was extremely confusing and alien at first. I began wearing tank tops for Pete’s sake! I liked how they looked… I almost can’t believe I got to that point. I was by no means skinny. I’ve dreamt of being skinny for more than a decade at this point. I didn’t weigh myself that whole semester. Maybe once for a class, but I think I refused to look at the time. Yet, I’ve never been happier with my body. Sometimes I would look in a mirror (I hate mirrors) and like how I looked! Actually looked at myself and felt good- confident even!

Unbelievable! That whole semester… And I enjoyed the heck out of it. As I experienced it I knew it likely would end. I was terrified. Like an unsavory indigestion I kept swallowing down. Yet, I pushed it aside and had the best three or four months of my life. It doesn’t sound like much, but when you’re used to wallowing in sadness sure that that’s all you’re worth- pain and disappointment- four months is infinity. I regret nothing. I lived. I loved. And I sure as hell made the best of it.

 

Where Am I Now?

Wow. That was certainly not the direction I expected this to go. Usually when my mind wanders it reminds me how unhappy I currently am. Getting creative, Brain. You jerk. Well, since I doubt I’ll finish up those other four drafts anytime soon, here’s the summary.

  1. I used to publish just whenever I was inspired on my old blog which was about once a month. I’m done making promises I won’t keep. Not to be rude, but I can’t keep disappointing myself. I’ll publish when I publish. Sorry.
  2. I hate living at home. My friend offered to let me move in with her, but she lives in West Texas about six hours away from where I currently live. I said no. I regret that at least five times a day. Okay, maybe only three times a day.
  3. I’m codependent without anyone to be codependent with. That’s what those four drafts said in a nutshell.
  4. The fourth kind of overlaps with the friend offering her home thing. It was a pros and cons list of moving out or living at home with my parents.

 

I hate my life right now. I have plans to make it better. I hope I follow through with them. It’s kind of difficult at the moment to find motivation. But what choice do I have? It’s fight for myself or be miserable. I know I’ve written something like this at least five times before, but that’s what I’ve found life to be: a repetitive pep talk where I have to convince myself I’m the most qualified person to care and put in the work to make my life enjoyable. I don’t know what else I can do.

I’ve given up on people before and I will never forgive myself for it. I’m terrified of what will happen if I give up on myself completely. I’ve seriously let myself go, but I know there’s some line I’ve never crossed. I know I haven’t reached rock bottom. Things can be worse. And I’m afraid. I don’t want to get there. I won’t get there. Stupid pep talk after stupid pep talk- I won’t let myself get there. Thanks, Fear. Thanks, Unhappiness. I will only let my life get better because of you.

Posted in Uncategorized

Week of July 22nd 2019- West Texas, Swimming, Apathy, and Mexico

Posted on by Lizzie Gomez

Monday, July 22nd- Last Day in West Texas

Heyyyy guysssss…. Yeah, I took a trip to West Texas the week before this then just didn’t write about it. If I decide to write about it it’ll be a Friday Thoughts and Past post. Basically I spent time with my old college friends that I hadn’t seen in over a year (since I graduated university). I stayed with Sherri, but on Monday she had to go to work, so I went to the park with Mariah and her fiance, Richard. There were too many children to have fun on the playground, so we ended up just walking around. I got some nice pictures by laying on the grass. Haha, Mariah then picked everything out of my hair and clothes as we walked.

When Sherri got home from work, she and I played Sims before making a quick spaghetti dinner and watching a few episodes of The Office. I’d never seen the show, so I was a bit lost, but it was cool. It was nice to have some down time with Sherri as she’s usually the kind to invite me to parties and other outings, haha.

 

Tuesday, July 23rd- All the Alphabet Games!

Time to head back home. :< The weekend wasn’t enough to catch up with my old friends. I had the opportunity to move in with Sherri, but I told her no. 😦 I’m not as brave as I once was. I don’t want any more adventures for a while. I just want to pass my licensure exam and then worry about getting a good job and money. I also have a sense of responsibility for my family and feel I’ve been running away from them long enough. Either way, I told her no, even though I am still considering moving down there so I won’t lead her on if I decide not to. Maybe I’m just leading myself on.

Mariah drove on the way back, so I was in charge of the navigation and music! 😀 We played so many music games that the hours just flew by! Our last game was an ABC game according to artist names. To make it harder, the song titles also followed the ABC format! XD It was interesting. We pulled up to my house while listening to Puff Daddy. XD

 

Wednesday, July 24th- Not Feeling It

I missed swim practice on Monday since I wasn’t in town and I didn’t run or bike all weekend either, but on Tuesday I was oddly energized. Today? Nah. I was so tired and over it. But I went to swim lessons anyway. That’s a big reason why I decided to take lessons even though I already know how to swim. I am terrible at self motivation.

 

Thursday, July 25th- Last Day of July Swim Lessons

I still wasn’t feeling it. Didn’t run or bike either. But I went to my final swim class and took a final dive with one of my classmates. All of the ladies in the class are about 20 years or older than me, but they were nice and charismatic. I’ll miss them.

 

Friday, July 26th- Borrrriiinnnggg

I think I just watched The Office today. X) Yeah, I started watching it from the beginning. It’s super cringe and I almost stopped watching it because of that, but then it became tolerable, and now I’m caught up to the episodes I watched with Sherri, haha.

 

Saturday, July 27th- Target Run

Yep, nothing else that exciting. I’ve essentially given up on studying at this point. I figure I’ll start when I’m in Mexico and have nothing else to do. I’ve also given up on running, biking, and swimming until I get back from Mexico. I’ll exercise at home in Mexico instead.

In the evening my mom noticed we needed more dog food, so we went to get that. Our dog Misty will be watched over by one of our neighbors (my best friend Lyza’s family) and our turtle, Frankie is currently on vacation herself with Mariah. She did me the favor of taking care of her until we return to Texas. 🙂 She sends me photos periodically which make me super happy.

 

Sunday, July 28th- To Mexico!!!

Finally this trip! It’s the reason I’ve accepted being a lazy freeloader for the past three weeks. Didn’t want to get a job and have to explain that I needed two weeks off right off the bat for vacation! Also…yeah I am naturally lazy… Anyway! Finally! Because of the whole moving to Puerto Rico thing for a year last summer, it’s been two years since I’ve been to Mexico. I’m excited and not.

I’m excited to see my favorite aunt and her kids, but a lot has changed. Her eldest daughter is married and pregnant, no longer living at home, her son is also out of the house, and her youngest daughter is still at home, but has a child of her own. Things are very different from two years ago when the eldest had just moved out.

What I’m really wary about is going to my father’s house in Mexico. It’s usually a safe haven for me that I love coming to to forget the stress of everyday life. It’s in a tiny town far away from everything and usually it’s just me and my dad, so while my dad spends time with his brother all day I get much appreciated alone time. Not this year. This year my mom and brother are coming with us. They don’t like the little town as much as my dad and I do, so they don’t visit every year. I sound like a jerk, but I like being alone… *sigh, not this year.

 

Next Week!

*Week 1 in Mexico

*Potential cabin fever being in a little house in an even smaller town with all of my immediate family.

*Spending time with my favorite aunt and her grown up children.

*I go to a Mexican dermatologist? I guess

*The Fair is in town! How do I always make it on time for that? I don’t plan it!

 

 

 

P.S. The internet (first year it’s available in our little house in rural Mexico) is super spotty. It took more than an hour to just get this post published after I finished writing it. :/ Can’t wait to go to Mexico City. X)

Posted in Uncategorized

Why am I not enough? (Remembering to put on a fake face to survive in the “real” world)

Posted on by Lizzie Gomez

I’ve had problems with depression and anxiety …also probably paranoia and anger management at least since 8th grade. Everyone has traumas. Mine happened when I was 10 years old. It was no one’s fault. Who was I to be angry at then? I think humans need to blame someone or something or else all that anger gets internalized. At least that’s what happened to me.

 

Brief Overview of my Life Growing Up

I’m not ready to write about what happened. I don’t want pity. What I want is to explore its effects. At 10 years old, I learned that loved ones aren’t a given. They can be there one day and not the next. (No one passed away, if you’re wondering.) But I learned no one is a sure thing. Not even my parents. However, through this turbulent time I still had my teachers and classmates. I learned that was my constant.

Middle school years

That’s all that I carried with me: my school friends and academic success. (More so my friends, but at the end of the day I chose academics and switched schools.) 8th grade. New school. I don’t know why since I’d always been the kid who had a friend by the end of the first day of school, but I didn’t make any friends that year. I didn’t feel the need. I wasn’t interested in talking to other people. So I didn’t. Academics. That’s all I had.

High school

I tried, but by now it wasn’t just a lack of desire. It was full-blown anxiety. I couldn’t bring myself to talk to anyone. I’d only talk when teachers called on me in class. Even then my heart worked overtime from the stress of being called on. Academics. That’s all I had. Not having friends, I dreaded school breaks. Winter break, spring break. The worst was summer break. My mind would over think. I’d get into existential crises. At 15 years old, I knew I needed a distraction. I needed a purpose. Without school, my life, I feared death. Or maybe I feared not living.

I lived (arguable choice of words) like this for 3 years. By senior year of high school, I began to wonder. What if I didn’t treat academics as my life. What if I did poorly? I felt my parents weren’t proud of me with all A’s. (My dad praised anything and everything, while my mom questioned my A+’s for not being 100’s.) Would they freak if I got C’s? So, I stopped trying. I tanked my GPA in the last year. Began failing tests. (I’d never failed an exam before then.) And. Nothing. Happened. They were disappointed, but they didn’t lecture me. Just told me to try harder.

Or maybe they did care. I don’t even know how I felt. I’d say I didn’t care, but I did because I was worried that they didn’t care. I was nervous watching my grades drop and them not bat an eye. I wanted them to care. I wanted to matter to my parents. Not that I didn’t. I knew, intellectually, that they cared about me, but at the time I needed to proof to believe it. My dad’s praise was so frequent it meant nothing and my mom’s was nonexistent. Positive wasn’t happening, so I sought negative attention.

But I didn’t get it.

Then I went to university

I’d made a friend during those last two years in high school. I’d stopped trying so hard to keep my grades up and still passed. My priorities shifted. I learned the wonders of human connection. School didn’t matter. I had friends! Maybe it was my depression or paranoia or broken trust in family stability (no one got divorced either, in case you guys are wondering). Whatever it was, I could not feel or believe that my parents loved me. I knew that as a fact. Not as a feeling.

But I knew my friends liked me! And that feeling was indescribable! A feeling! That itself was surprising! I was numb all throughout high school. The only time I felt anything was during that short-lived flirty time with the boy I snuck off to the library with (blog post on that here). Often I remember anger. But that was it. Anger or nothing. It was like I wasn’t alive. Emotionally, at least.

But in university, I made friends and felt emotions. The most important of which was happiness. I’d had that spark of nervous flirty happiness with the boy in high school, but not like this. Not from friends, and later happiness all to myself, from myself. I found freedom in university. I wasn’t always at school or at home surrounded by people. Being watched all the time. Or not, but that’s what the paranoia told me. I had my own space. It was scary at first. I still struggle to do things by myself. I don’t think I was ever allowed to be alone growing up (bedroom doors were not allowed to be closed in my household and I didn’t go out with friends, much less on my own). University was life changing.

I learned what happiness is. I learned what friends are. I learned who I am. When no one was watching, I knew who I was and amazingly, I liked myself.

What did books matter when I was learning all of this?! They didn’t. And while I was learning who I was, I had to decide on a career. (Blog post about how I came to that decision here.) And now I’m here. In Puerto Rico. A place I knew nothing about when I decided to move out here for a year. Much less did I know anyone here. All the interns in my program were strangers. Now, I wish some of them still were.

I’ve learned that people can be mean and care only about themselves. I’ve learned people can be indifferent or too interested. I’ve learned people can be angry. They can be distracted. They can be cruel. And they are hypocrites.

I knew these things as fact before. But now I know them as feeling. …It makes me wish I didn’t have emotions again. It’s an empty wish and a common one of mine, to go back to the numb high school days. But in those moments with friends, some with romantic interests, and others through my own personal accomplishments,  I’ve learned what positive emotions are and I believe they are what makes life life. Only being able to feel anger, which later morphed to sadness, is not life.

When I was in high school, it was a numb, unfeeling depression. In university, with happiness, I learned sadness. Harsh, deep sadness. The peak of which occurred in my senior year of university. This year I lived with a great friend of mine. And I hurt her. Before her, I always had a facade up. An act. It wasn’t to be cruel. It was to be kind. I didn’t want to expose others to my sadness. But with her…

Life Changing Friendship- Learning to Trust and that it’s Okay to be Myself. Flaws and All!

To Mariah I gave all of my trust. I let go completely. I let her in as far as she wanted to go. And she went far. She saw me at my worst. I’ve never been that depressed since. Even though she’ll deny it, I know I ruined (or at the very least) inconvenienced many of her days. We spent Thanksgiving (2017) angry with each other and that weekend trying to drag me out of bed, literally. I made her suffer. It wasn’t on purpose; it just goes with depression. With depression and anxiety and paranoia and anger issues and what ever other labels exist for all the not positive aspects of my personality.

But she refused to give up on me. We’re still friends. I know that woman would do almost anything for me. And I don’t know what I did to deserve her. I don’t feel like I deserve her. It’s rare, someone like that. So loyal (against their own good even). And I was spoiled.

Post Graduate Nutrition Internship- Learning to Distrust and that it’s NOT Okay to be Myself. Flaws Should be Well Hidden.

Now, I’m here in Puerto Rico working on a dietetic internship (when I doubt I want to work as a dietitian for the rest of my life) almost attached to the hip with my internship partner. I go from rotations where I’m supervised and evaluated. Hello, paranoia and anxiety! Oh, there you are anger! To an apartment where everyone has beef with at least one other person. The environment is toxic. Doesn’t help my depressive tendencies.

Sorry I can’t be positive and supportive 24/7. I still try. It hurts, but I try. Thing is, I can’t give what I don’t have. Every day I feel more paranoid, more anxious, angry, and sad. Or then I’m manically happy! But one misplaced comment and I’m underground again trying to dig myself out. Or not. Sometimes I don’t ever want to surface. (Related blog post here.)

I let myself believe, due to my experience with Mariah, that people can be trusted 100%. I can let go and be my completely flawed self and not worry about the repercussions. But I now know how truly lucky I am to have someone in my life like that, because that’s not the case with anyone else. I already had trust issues. Maybe everyone does. However, I was healing. I was learning to trust again.

But now, I feel as if there is nothing to learn. From my experiences here, no one wants the real me. No one wants my flaws. I am, as I always feared, an inconvenience. I have to pretend to be only the best parts of myself, because that’s the only parts people care to get to know. That’s understandable to me with the preceptors who supervise and evaluate us, but I mistakenly thought it wouldn’t be the case with my fellow interns. I was hopelessly optimistic. And I was wrong.

I have to learn how to fake it. Something I wasn’t 100% successful at during my customer service-y job as a cashier during university breaks (2015 to 2018). I could do it, but only for so many hours a day. Here, I share a room, I go to rotations where I am supervised and evaluated 5 days a week with my internship partner plus travel to the site and work on assignments outside of those 8 hours with her and I come home to an apartment where people aren’t happy to see each other.

 

Constant People, Constant Need to Fake It (to fake sanity/happiness)

The only saving grace is that I feel that genuine care and friendship from my roommate. But, he’s still another person I am around every day. In university, I had space. I had freedom. Now, it’s back to how it was when I lived at home. Constant people! But higher stakes! The only time I’m alone is when I go out by myself. Remember my friend anxiety? Don’t forget depression! To motivate myself to go anywhere is difficult enough. To not change my mind is another thing. Depression tells me it’s not worth it. Anxiety tells me it’s all going to go wrong anyway, so why try?

I don’t wish to blame my hard times on these mental health issues, but I know they are a big factor. And I feel like I have to keep them to myself now. My struggles and thoughts should remain my own to not affect others. Even then, there’s nothing I can do about my energy or aura. If I’m that depressed and empty inside, it doesn’t matter how big I fake smile. I’ve lost my ability to act believable. Thank you Mariah, for making that ability obsolete in me and damn you.

I’m truly going to have to fake it and hope I make it. Seven more months until the end of this internship. Wish me luck, please.

 

 

Note:

Featured image is of me last Halloween (2017). I’ve always loved goth fashion, so I enjoyed expressing myself that day through dress, hair, and makeup. I use it as the image for this post because it represents how I feel at the moment. I am in no way saying goth culture equates to sadness or anything like that, but that’s how most people seem to take it. And I feel like this is how I come off to people without make up and even when I do put on non-goth makeup. I feel like no matter what I do outwardly, all people see is my obvious sadness or negative aspects of my personality. And what can I do about that?! (Nothing overnight!) Why am I being punished for that?! Isn’t the depression, anxiety, paranoia, distrust, anger, and self loathing punishment enough??

Posted in Uncategorized

The Mock Interview

Posted on by Lizzie Gomez

Originally Published February 18, 2018

Look! Another old blog draft. You’ll probably be able to tell where the draft ended and where I added the ending, but I hope it’s still entertaining. Here it is:

Let me tell y’all a story…

Today, I went to my university’s career center to do a mock interview. It’s for a class and not a big deal. So, I wake up early. I think, “Yeah, two hours before my interview is enough time to shower and get ready for this thing”. Fast forward to 7:00 in the morning. Snooze. Snooze. Snooze. I didn’t get up until 8:15 am. My interview was set for 9:00 am. Yep. I got dressed, lazily printed out a couple of resumes and searched my whole apartment for a belt and decent jacket. Finding neither, I start walking to the door. I have approximately twenty minutes to get to my interview which is, conveniently, a mile away. Now, I live relatively close to my university, but a mile is a mile.

I shyly slide into my roommate’s side of the apartment hoping not to catch her as she’s brushing her teeth or (like a couple weeks ago) watching YouTube videos au naturel. Luckily she was doing neither of those things. She was just going through her closet like a normal human being when I asked her about the parking situation for the building I was heading to. Upon discovering that this would not be an option for me I start to walk away. Like the good human being that she is though, she scolds me about not taking a jacket and goes ahead and gives me one. She also gives me a belt for bonus points.

Quick side note about my roommate. Let’s call her Mariah. She is one of the sweetest most caring person I have ever met. But she believes in tough love. You’ll hear more about this in coming blogs, I’m sure. Alright, back to the story.

So, with borrowed jacket and belt donned, I take off. 17 minutes. That’s okay. I planned to ride my bike anyway. One mile has nothing on my Huffy Cruiser! I cross the street and go to grab my bike, but it’s not there. That’s when I remember I moved it closer to my college. It’d be more convenient I had said at the time. Great. Just great. 15 minutes now and still .8 miles to go. I could sidetrack and get my bike but that’d be about a quarter of the journey I already had. No! I decided. I will walk! I will walk, and I will make it on time!

Somehow, I do arrive exactly at 9 am. But, what’s this? This isn’t the career center! It’s hospitality services. A few paces ahead: student housing. Oh gosh. I’m late.

After this whole ordeal to make it to my mock interview I end up flying through it and getting multiple compliments and a few pointers for the real thing. It was extremely surprising to hear that I have nothing to worry about in a real interview. The mock interviewer said I seemed relaxed and natural. I’ve never thought people skills come naturally to me, but it’s moments like these that make me pause and think, “hey, maybe anything is possible…”.

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Submission

Posted on by Lizzie Gomez

Originally Published January 23rd 2018

I’ve beat myself into a dull submission. I don’t feel the motivation to read or write or breathe. Nah, I’m just feeling melancholy and poetic. It’s only the first full week of classes and I feel overwhelmed. It is like most things in my life. As soon as I get close to a tangible end I sever the rope. Maybe I’m afraid of progress and the outcome of opportunity. There are too many thoughts. One says, “talk about how you rely too much on people and always have”. Another whispers, “tell about how you drive people away with anger and cruelty”. A third screams, “none of it matters, so why are you still typing?”. I don’t hear voices. They are simply my inner thoughts. Sometimes I think the voices, external voices that is, would be comforting. Though abusive, I’d finally feel like a true victim. For now though, the thoughts are just that, intangible and taunting, with my own voice.

Where do they come from? From me? My environment? That old question of nature and nurture. I just hope it’s not me. I don’t like the me that snaps on a dime or can’t talk to her roommates for fear of saying something overly cruel. They are beginning to become scared of me. Not in an intimidating way. The three of us know my limitations. Oh, recap, I have two roommates at this time in my life. One tall ex-football player and the another, a feisty woman. Richard and Mariah. What a pair! I could write about them forever. However, I have a larger concern at the moment. I don’t pretend that they are afraid I could overpower either of them. It is not a physical danger they wince at. They begin that treacherous walk on the eggshells of my unpredictability. For at any moment, my mood can go from sunshine to electric storms.

Sometimes it is best to ignore a problem than to confront it. They do it very well. I’m surprised by two things. One, that I held out for so long. So long in fact, that I almost believed my cruelty to be false. Who would be so cruel anyway? I am. Two, I am surprised that they tolerate it. Yet, I am not surprised by that. Like I said, sometimes ignorance and denial seem like the easiest solution. It is not, by the way. Ignorance makes pain fester; and pain, in my case, makes a snappy and paranoid Lizzie. That’s the other thing. I don’t know if I truly believe in truth. How can we be real when this society values reputation and achievement which is often facilitated by charm and the social graces, while simultaneously destroyed by those magical factors. I’m sleepy. Finally. Look at that. Another cesspool of regurgitated thoughts. I’m sorry for the stream of consciousness. Again, that is not my intended method, but sad women will do what they will.

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Week of May 14th 2018- Graduation!

Posted on by Lizzie Gomez

Woot! First weekly blog post! I am very excited to begin a new form of blogging. Like I said in my Thoughts and the Past section, I’m used to blogging as if I am journaling. It’s going to take some getting used to showing more than telling. Anyway, with that being said, let’s get into it. Hmm, I’m sure the format will change, but how about we go day by day for now?

Monday, May 14th- Impromptu Breakfast and SnapChat

After a few weeks of not seeing my friend Sherri, we met up for breakfast. Or that was the plan. Instead of going out to eat though, we went to the store and bought eggs, sausage, and other breakfast-y items and made food at my apartment. I live with a couple: Richard and Mariah. This morning Richard was out presenting a final project for the semester, but Mariah was home to have our impromptu breakfast with us. We made eggs, sausage, potatoes, and a nice blenderful of berry smoothie. I think we were all aware this would be one of the last times we would be able to do something last minute like this. I didn’t ruin the moment by taking pictures.

The other “big” thing that happened this day was that I got a SnapChat account. Ha! My best friend had been begging me to make one for ages! I know I now have this blog, but that desire to stay in touch is strong. Especially with friends I’m so close to now. I can’t bare to let them drift away even faster than time already will provoke simply because I’m not well versed in social media. Soo, yeah. That’s been a ridiculously fun learning experience.

Monday, May 14th Part 2- Dress Shopping and Nutrition Counseling

… because I am losing my days and somehow thought the following events took place on Tuesday… which doesn’t make sense because it is Tuesday night as I write the following day’s events. Monday! This section is still Monday.

The girls and I went dress shopping today. Remember that my graduating wasn’t guaranteed? I was doing very poorly in one class which may have been a motivating factor in deciding to attend as many little graduation ceremonies as I can if I did end up graduating. Well, I roped Mariah into this. I convinced her to attend a Hispanic Convocation on campus so that we could be in the same ceremony. (She studies Natural Resource Management and I study Nutrition Dietetics, so our official graduation will be at different times.)

Anyway, with another ceremony, we went in search of a dress to wear. We went to the mall and a small secondhand shop. No dice. So, we got a bite to eat and called it a day. Sherri went home and I bugged Mariah and Richard for the rest of the day. I feel bad nowadays to spend too much time alone. I feel like every moment I’m not spending with the two of them is a moment lost. Like I said, hanging out won’t be as easy once we graduate. Life is going to change. A lot.

The last eventful thing that happened today was that I began nutrition counseling Mariah. Background on that: I took a nutrition counseling class this semester and I loved being in the position to teach someone about nutrition. I have a passion for education and I thoroughly enjoyed doing it on an individual basis. It was so satisfying to see my client for the semester take in the information I gave them and apply it. I was so proud of our work and look forward to being able to help someone out this way again.

Thence comes Mariah. She and Richard have been together about four years. They have a wedding date set within the next two years. Hmm, someone wanting to lose weight and someone about to graduate in nutrition. Like I said, I loved the counseling experience. One small problem though. I am not a licensed dietitian yet. Despite this, I offered my help to Mariah. I let her know, I am not an official dietitian and that other than that brief class experience, I am a complete novice in counseling someone. With the promise not to sue me for malpractice or anything else, she took me on. I am grateful for the practice and, of course, to help her achieve some of her health goals. We had our intake session this night which left me wanting to join in on the fun by focusing more on my own health journey.

Tuesday, May 15th- Graduation Photos and Last Hiking Trip

…Now it’s Tuesday. How is it only Tuesday? I thought it was Wednesday!

We took graduation photos. Well, as best as we could. Sherri, Mariah, and I headed to campus around midday to get this checked off the graduation to do list. Before snapping any pictures though, we stopped by our club’s office to visit the staff. I was a part of Mentor Tech (a mentoring organization on campus to help students transition into college life by providing them connections to people on campus such as professors or staff members [mentors] and undergraduate students [PAC Leaders]) my four years in university, but I must say that this year I finally let some walls down and got attached to the staff. I will truly miss them. I brought them thank you notes and an invitation to the Hispanic Convocation on Thursday. As a bonus, I also brought a flyer for my blog and a balloon dragonfly to promote my site. Ha, those management classes are coming in handy now!

After the visit, Mariah and I attempted to pose for our novice photographer (Sherri). I deliberately say attempted. Neither of us are decent enough to even be called armature models. We took photos at a couple of places on campus before getting hot and discouraged. To hydrate, we stopped by my old workplace for some water. We ran into my boss of three plus years and chatted a bit. After promising to return for one last visit with my family on Friday we left.

Later Mariah and Richard headed out to go on one last hiking trip. I went to give a friend a book that kept making me think about her then grabbed some food and went back to my lone apartment. Mariah and Richard are camping tonight and returning tomorrow which means I have the place to myself. I love being alone for a few hours at a time. I sing at the top of my lungs and watch all the T.V. I want! It’s been great! I’ll be glad when they get back though, but for now, no one can stop me from blogging at 1am while listening to Eye of the Tiger by Survivor!

Wednesday, May 16th- Road Trip Call and My Favorite Aunt

I was awoken by a phone call. Sherri has this habit of calling me when she goes on long road trips. I think it’s really sweet…when I’m awake. Well, I took her call and we chatted for little over two hours with a couple of disconnects as she drove through the towns with spottier cell service. We spoke about a party she had gone to with her classmates. First impressions? A ton of Chemical Engineers to be sitting in a room awkwardly not talking to each other. HA! Then we spoke a bit about boys as the topic tends to get derailed among girls. Who knows what else we talked about. I just know it ended with me giving my word I’d go check in on her cat.

My roommates still weren’t home so I sang some more songs with ridiculous high notes and belts. I called home and worked on this blog. Ordered some pizza, because cooking for one? Yeah, no. Soon after my roommates came back I got to talk to my favorite aunt. Her name is Melody. We each shared some life changing news. (I will announce mine soon. Her’s I will respectfully not share.) She’s the aunt who always has something positive to say, not matter what she is going through. I proudly seek to be like her in this way. She’s taught me to embrace change and keep living no matter the situation. And not only to live, but to enjoy life. I admire her so much.

Thursday May 17th- A Shower Serenade and Saying Goodbye

Mariah woke me up with news of a surprise party for a staff member from my club. It would be Rudy’s last day as he is moving across the country this weekend. Before even thinking about this, I goofed around for a bit then got ready. I picked some good belting songs and had a great last shower singing session. Tomorrow both Mariah’s and my family are coming for our graduations. This is the last day I have of my normal college life with her and Richard.

So, I serenaded them. A sort of goodbye and I hope you will miss my too confident cracking high notes. After my little concert, we left for the Mentor Tech office. There we had one last get together with fellow staff and PAC Leaders. We said goodbye to Rudy. Once everyone had left we took some stuff to storage one last time. So many lasts.

Finally, we attended the Hispanic Convocation. With Richard and Sherri in the audience we heard reminders to remember our roots and be proud of our culture and our accomplishments. After the event the four of us played a quick trivia board game then set to packing when Sherri left for her place. I’d been avoiding packing. If everything still looked normal, maybe I could convince myself that my college life isn’t about to end. But it is. No use denying it anymore.

Friday May 18th- Packing and Protege

Packing. That has been most of the day. Other than putting all of my belongings into boxes throughout the day, I went to say a final farewell to my boss. I was supposed to bring my family, but they hit traffic on the way and couldn’t make it on time.

Afterwards I had dinner with one of my freshman proteges from my club. It was so nice to be invited to meet up. We ate and had some delicious ice cream amongst delightful conversation. I can’t believe I only had them for a year. Some background: In Mentor Tech, participants (called proteges) are assigned a PAC Leader (or Protege Advisory Committee Leader who is an undergraduate student usually in the same or similar major). If available, they are also assigned a mentor who is a staff or faculty member at the university usually in the field the protege hopes to go into. This academic year I served as PAC Leader to five wonderful freshman. I hate goodbyes, but it was so nice to see Sue one last time. I am so proud of them all.

Saturday, May 19th- Graduation Day and People Invasion

I graduated with my Bachelor’s in Science today. Yay. I’m just glad it’s over. Maybe it’s the fact that my parents and Mariah’s parents both came into town yesterday. I don’t have a problem with any of them. My issue is forgotten social anxiety. Anyone else forget things are a problem for you until you are put in that situation? Like, I don’t know. Maybe you have a dog and he/she is a huge leash puller, but you’ve been letting them run around the yard for exercise and haven’t taken them on a walk in a while. I’ve done this. One day I get the brilliant idea to take my dog, Misty, on a walk because “you know, how bad can it be?”. Then…it’s bad. And I’m stupidly surprised by how bad, because it’s been too long for me to remember the last time. Yeahh. That’s my social anxiety.

So, my room has been invaded by my wonderful family. I love them, but they are in my room. They won’t leave. Part of the reason for that is that Mariah’s family has invaded the living room and common areas. My family, as a whole, is also socially awkward. So, my room is full of people, just like the rest of the apartment. Everywhere I turn: people! Aghhhh…

Anyway, on with my day. I woke up early to go to Mariah’s graduation at 9:30am. I was with her family and Richard until about an hour before my graduation where I switched people and was with my peers one last time sitting in an arena waiting to be called to graduate. Then I went out to dinner with my mom and brother. Then I escaped my family a bit by…. sitting in the living room with Mariah’s mom, sister, and nephew, in addition to Mariah and Richard. This was still stressful. Then I came back into my family-infested room and have been sitting in a corner singing to cope. *sighhhh* Why am I like this?

Sunday, May 20th- Goodbye College Town Hello Hometown!

It was a sad day of farewells. My family woke me around 5:30am. Looks like they were ready to go. We began taking stuff down to the vehicles alongside Mariah who also meant to leave this day. When it was her time to go, we stood awkwardly between her packed car and my semi-packed van. Then she hugged me tight and must have said some parting words. I couldn’t hear over a voice in my head screaming to break the hug. The tears were already forming. It was too much, too long. Too painful. So, I pushed her away. When she wouldn’t let go, I hugged her again then forced us apart and ran back up the stairs, my throat tight and tears streaming down. The last words I heard from her were “I’m so confused”.

My family continued packing. I did not want to participate. My life is ending. Well, my college life at this point has, indubitably, ended. It ended the moment our parents came into town. Then Mariah and I (and all the rest of my friend’s at university) weren’t each others. We were then at the mercy of our families. I love getting sidetracked on my musings, don’t I?

Back to the day’s events: my family continued packing. Sherri came to pick up her house key, so I was able to say goodbye to her. I think I was so emotionally drained by then that I could not mourn her. Then came the goodbye to Richard. My mom and I were taking the last of the stuff down to the cars when I told him this would be it. He just looked at me and said “What do I do now?” Ha! At this point I shooed my mom away and told him, “you mail anything I left behind to me.” He stood there a second then offered me a hug. I denied it.

Context: yesterday I’d requested a hug from him because I thought that’d be the last I’d see of him. I did not expect to get up so early. So, I denied him. Like he had offered to me the night before, I put my fist out for a fist bump. The perfect words danced in my head for this though I did not say them aloud. As our fists met, I wish I’d said, “None of that emotional crap. We’re bros, remember?”. He was always so chill with me and treated me like one of the guys. I miss him already.

The rest of the day was quite mundane. We drove about six hours back to my parents house where I’ll be staying while I work over the summer. I fought for my right to do my own laundry. (My dad insisted he’d wash it while I insisted I just lost my whole way of life and I wanted to be able to do something, anything for myself!) Then I began watching a new television series and went to sleep. I miss my old life.

 

Talking to myself…out loud blog version:

I want to post my whole week’s happenings at once, but I also want to write daily so I can remember the details. Seeing how I skipped a day in the middle of the week and managed to imagine an extra day, you can see how important daily blogging will be. Maybe I’ll post half of my week first then update on the same post when the rest of the week is over. Or I’ll post on a new “weekly” blog every Monday and update on the same post daily. It just seems like a waste to make a new blog post for every day! OR I could wait till Sunday to post it all at once. NAHH.

It’s a learning process.

 

Notes:

(1) Balloon design by Gustavo (Balloon twisting and photograph by me)

(2) As always, all names are pseudo names. (except Misty…That is actually my dog’s name.)

(3) I have gotten permission from the director of Mentor Tech to use the organization’s name. If you are thinking of going to university at Texas Tech, I highly recommend being a part of the organization and becoming a PAC Leader. The club helped me grow as a person and holds a special place in my heart.

(4) Next weekly post…expect it on Thursday or Friday…?