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Clingy Ex and a Cool New Song

Loved You Once by Clara Mae (lyrics by AirwaveMusicTV)

We don’t need to be best friends
We don’t need to hang again
But tell me why we have to be strangers?
‘Cause I loved you once

Surprise! As I was making the current playlist post before this one I found this song by an artist I like. I can tell upon first listen that it’s going to make its way to my playlist immediately. Especially as at the moment of writing this my ex keeps texting me and apologizing for how he treated me when we were dating and not appreciating me. That’s the gist of it at least. He’s sent me two or three of those texts in just the past three weeks now that I’m back in town. Our relationship only lasted for nine months and was mostly long distance. We broke up in summer of 2017. It’s summer of 2019 as I publish this. -___-

I can’t be nice anymore. It isn’t working. I could be his friend because I now know and firmly believe what everyone told me when he and I were together: that I can do way better than him. It sounds harsh, but it’s true. I don’t want him back and there is nothing he could say or do to change my mind. I’m not that naive and desperate as I was when we got together; nor will I ever be again. That being said, as Ariana Grande put it and I’ve been telling him over a year before the song got released: Thank You, Next. I could be his friend, because I feel this way.

But I don’t believe he can. Unfortunately I’ve dealt with clingy people like him before and any form of niceness just encourages them. Asking to hang out like friends (when our “dates” were us watching movies or shows at his house anyway) that would just not be a good idea. I am not about to even imply to his delusional mind that I want anything more than a friendship which is how he’d interpret my friendship, I’m sure because it has happened before.

It’s been two years and he says he can’t let it go. Two years is long enough. If you can’t move on J, at least leave me alone.

 

Note: Picture from Pexel’s Free Photo Library
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Current Music Playlist- July 2019

To the one person who voted in the poll about a week ago: here’s that post you asked for. A little late, as per usual, but here it is. (I went on a weekend trip, my bad.) I was asked for my current music playlist, so I went on YouTube and scrolled through my history and identified 34 songs I’ve listened to often enough to confidently say they are on part of my current playlist this month.

34 songs approximately 3 minutes long each. Should be a little more than an hour and a half of music. I hope you guys enjoy! Below are all the songs in order of my current obsessions with snippets of my favorite lyrics! 😀 And here is the link to the YouTube playlist.

 

 

1. Issues by Julia Michaels (lyrics by Keeping Low)

I’m jealous, I’m overzealous
When I’m down, I get real down
When I’m high, I don’t come down
I get angry, baby, believe me
I could love you just like that
And I could leave you just this fast
But you don’t judge me
‘Cause if you did, baby, I would judge you too
No, you don’t judge me
‘Cause if you did, baby, I would judge you too

 

2. Parents by YUNGBLUD (lyrics by fangirl lyrics)

‘Cause my high hopes are getting low
Because these people are so old
The way they think about it all
If I tried, I would never know
My high hopes are getting low
But I know I’ll never be alone
It’s alright, we’ll survive
‘Cause parents ain’t always right

 

3. Six Feet Under by Billie Eilish (video by Sofar Sounds)

Help, I lost myself again
But I remember you
Don’t come back, it won’t end well
But I wish you’d tell me too

 

4. Do I Wanna Know? (Cover by Dua Lipa) Originally by Arctic Monkeys (video by BBC Radio 1)

So have you got the guts?
Been wondering if your heart’s still open and
if so I wanna know what time it shuts
Simmer down and pucker up
I’m sorry to interrupt it’s just I’m constantly
on the cusp of trying to kiss you
I don’t know if you feel the same as I do
But we could be together, if you wanted to

 

5. i hate you, i love you by gnash ft. Olivia O’Brien (video by gnash)

Don’t want to, but I can’t put
Nobody else above you
I hate you I love you
I hate that I want you
You want her, you need her
And I’ll never be her

 

6. Polygraph Eyes (Acoustic) by YUNGBLUD (video by Interscope Records)

Too many blokes are getting heavy
When a girl looks unsteady
Blisters on your bleeding soles
“Here have my boots, I’ll walk you home”
He walks her straight up to the front door
As she stumbles on the floor
We all know what happens next
A bit of fun turns to regret

 

7. Happy Pills by Weathers (video by Weathers)

I take my pills and I’m happy all the time
I’m happy all the time
I’m happy all the time

La-la-la-la-la-la
La-la-la-la-la-lala
La-la-la-la-la-la
La-la-la-la-la-lala
We take strange things to feel normal
We take strange things to feel normal
We take strange things to feel normal
To feel normal, to feel normal

 

8. I Think I’m OKAY by Machine Gun Kelly, Yungblud & Travis Barker (video by Machine Gun Kelly)

Watch me, take a good thing and fuck it all up in one night
Catch me, I’m the one on the run away from the headlights
No sleep, up all week wasting time with people I don’t like
I think something’s fucking wrong with me

 

9. Ride (Live) by Tyler from Twenty One Pilots (video by BBC Radio 1)

I know it’s hard sometimes
Yeah, I think about the end just way too much
But it’s fun to fantasize
All my enemies who wouldn’t wish who I was
But it’s fun to fantasize

 

10. Soap by Melanie Martinez (Live) (video by Billboard)

I’m tired of being careful, gentle, trying to keep the water warm
Let me under your skin
Uh-oh, there it goes, I said too much, it overflowed
Why do I always spill?

 

11. You’re Not There by Lukas Graham (lyrics by Justin McKissick)

Every step I take, you used to lead the way
Now I’m terrified to face it on my own

 

12. Toxic (Cover by Melanie Martinez) Originally by Britney Spears (lyrics by SuperbLyrics)

I’m addicted to you
Don’t you know that you’re toxic?

 

13. I’m a Mess/ Issues (Mashup by Madilyn Bailey) Originally by Bebe Rexha and Julia Michaels, respectively (video by Madilyn Bailey)

It’s gonna be a good, good, life
That’s what my therapist say

 

14. Copycat (Acoustic) by Billie Eilish (video by Interscope Records)

Call me calloused, call me cold
You’re italic, I’m in bold

 

15. Titanium (Cover by Madilyn Bailey) Originally by David Guetta ft. Sia (lyrics by Greg Salivio)

I’m bulletproof nothing to lose
Fire away, fire away

 

16. Me and My Broken Heart by Rixton (lyrics by glamlyrics18)

To make it easy, you lie
And say it’s all for love

 

17. Break My Heart Again by FINNEAS (video by FINNEAS)

Oh, it must be nice
To love someone who lets you break them twice

 

18. Trapdoor by Twenty One Pilots (lyrics by oh my hoshi [formerly Clifford Clouds])

And he pretends he’s okay, but you should see, oh
Him in bed late at night, he’s petrified

 

19. Dead to Me (Live) by Melanie Martinez (video by JBTV Music Television)

I need to kill you
That’s the only way to get you out of my head

 

20. Bellyache by Billie Eilish (lyrics by disastrophe)

I lost my mind
I don’t mind

 

21. Guys my Age by Hey Violet (lyrics by bubblegum lyrics)

Now I’m out and wearing something low-cut
‘Bout to get attention from a grownup

 

22. Dollhouse by (Live) Melanie Martinez (video by Z90 San Diego)

No one never listens, this wallpaper glistens
Don’t let them see what goes down in the kitchen

 

23. I Took a Pill in Ibiza (SeeB Remix) by Mike Posner (video by Chill Nation)

Now you don’t wanna be high like me
Never really knowing why like me

 

24. Bad Guy by Billie Eilish (video by Billie Eilish)

I like it when you take control
Even if you know that you don’t
Own me, I’ll let you play the role
I’ll be your animal

 

25. Ocean Eyes (Young Bombs Remix) by Billie Eilish (video by Chill Nation)

No fair
You really know how to make me cry

 

26. Too Good at Goodbyes (Cover by Madilyn Bailey) Originally by Sam Smith (video by Madilyn Bailey)

I’m never gonna let you close to me
Even though you mean the most to me

 

27. Pillowtalk (No Sleep Remix) by Zayn (video by Chill Nation)

Fucking and fighting on
It’s our paradise and it’s our war zone

 

28. i’m so tired… by Lauv & Troye Sivan (lyrics by Sleepy Wolf)

Trying my best to meet somebody
But everybody around me’s fallin’ in love to our song

 

29. Grace by Bebe Rexha (lyrics by Matthieu)

I wish I could make myself stay
But our hearts don’t live in the same space

 

30. Air Catcher by Twenty One Pilots (lyrics by astrojace)

I was doing fine on my own
And there wasn’t much I lacked
But you’ve stolen my air catcher
And I don’t know if I want it back

 

31. Self Control by Bebe Rexha (lyrics by Matthieu)

‘Cause when it comes to you I can’t say no
I don’t wanna taste, I want it all

 

32. Don’t Get Any Closer by Bebe Rexha (lyrics by Matthieu)

Don’t get any closer
These walls are super high so don’t even try

 

33. Happier (Cover by Mailyn Bailey) Originally by Marshmello (video by Madilyn Bailey)

I want to see you smile but
Know that means I’ll have to leave

 

34. New Rules (Cover by Madilyn Bailey) Originally by Dua Lipa (video by Madilyn Bailey)

Now I’m standin’ back from it, I finally see the pattern
I never learn, (I never learn)

 

Thanks for making it to the end! You can definitely tell I’m into live and acoustic versions, remixes, and covers at the moment, haha. My musical tastes go through phases. For example, the genres I listen to most often are rock and pop and I don’t think I have a single rock song on this list. I’ve also gone through obsessive phases of country, alternative, folk, EDM, ballads, and who knows what else.

Soooo, I know a ton of songs. I stopped adding songs to an old master playlist about three years ago and it already had more than 300 songs on it! (Now I settle with my 20+ different personal playlists on YouTube. XD) Yeah, this was fun. 🙂 And to think I used to avoid music, haha! (Because I [rightly] thought it was addictive.)

Hope you enjoyed the playlist! Comment below any other song(s) you are currently obsessed with! 🙂 I’d love new music for a new playlist, haha.

 

 

Note: Picture from Pexel’s Free Photo Library
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Good Riddance Nutrition Internship!- Song Dedications for some of my Fellow Interns and the Director

Director-

Your entire internship has beaten down on my self worth and confidence, but I got through it. The day I publish this is graduation day and the day you hand me my verification statement that allows me to put all of this behind me and makes me eligible to take the licensure exam to become a dietitian and have a stable career. I know you did everything you did in a twisted attempt to make us interns stronger, but I undoubtedly would have benefited more from a kinder approach. Thanks anyway.

I’m criticized but all your bullets ricochet
You shoot me down, but I get up
I’m bulletproof nothing to lose
Fire away, fire away
Ricochet, you take your aim
Fire away, fire away
You shoot me down but I won’t fall, I am titanium
…You shoot me down but I won’t fall, I am titanium

Karen-

I know your life has been tough. I’m sorry you turned out this way. I don’t blame you. That’s just who you were meant to become. I hope for your sake you can come off your high horse long enough to realize your flaws (because you are not immune to them) and do something about them instead of simply loathing yourself for them or outright denying them. That is all. Sincerely, have a good life. …or at least a better one.

You screwed everybody over in this town
There ain’t nothing between you and the cold hard ground
Keep running your mouth and stretchin’ the truth
You just might find a hole in your parachute

So step off, step off
Yeah you’re getting too close to me
With all your negativity…

Just keep climbing that mountain of dirty tricks
When you finally get to the top
Hmm step off

Axyl-

Thanks for being my buddy. It’s been a long winding road with you as we both have trust issues. That’s been a doozy! Yet, you’ve been my confidant and for that I thank you. Loyal till the end! Arrivederci! Hope you find a friend much better than me. You more than deserve that.

What if I’m far from home?
Oh brother, I will hear you call!
What if I lose it all?
Oh sister, I will help you out!
Oh, if the sky comes falling down, for you
There’s nothing in this world I wouldn’t do

Hey Brother by Avicii lyrics by Lea Lauhoff

Robin-

It’s been real strange. You were the first person in the room I wanted to befriend. Not sure if it’s because you didn’t seem like the super outgoing type at first or because you and I were the only ones to bring our dads to that first orientation meeting, but I chose you and I was mistaken. How easily that friendship broke. I suppose we were friends once, yet this song reminded me of you.

Friends come and go, friends come and go
Go like the seasons
I never know, I never know what to believe in
And it’s getting old, it’s getting old
But no hard feelings
‘Cause friends come and go, friends come and go without a reason
And I, I’ve been in [Puerto Rico] for way too long
Can’t get this air inside my lungs
It feels like I’m suffocatin’ from all the lack of the realness here

Fuck Fake Friends F.F.F. by Bebe Rexha lyrics by Taz Network

Amanda-

I always saw you as the odd one out- dancing on your own cloud so far away from all of the internship’s worries. I understand the positive mindset (even if you don’t believe that, I do). However, you take it to another level. You don’t see anyone or anything other than yourself, your thoughts, and your ideas. In part it’s motivating to see someone not get swayed by everyday tragedies, but otherwise it’s simply off putting or concerning. Thank you for all the motivation throughout the year. You were a sort of role model for me. If this sickly sweet tune is the one you need to soldier on, go for it. I’m going to find another beat.

I’m seeing all the angles thoughts get tangled
I start to compromise my life and my purpose
Is it all worth it? Am I gonna turn out fine?
Oh oh, you’ll turn out fine
Fine, oh oh you’ll turn out fine

But, you gotta keep your head up, oh oh
And you can let your hair down, eh eh
I know it’s hard (know it’s hard)
To remember sometimes
But, you gotta keep your head up, oh oh
And you can let your hair down, eh eh eh eh

Keep Your Head Up by Andy Grammer lyrics by phamtazic

Gia-

This year has been a whirlwind with you as my internship partner. I’m not asking for you to believe me, but I honestly can’t imagine a more fun and mischievous internship with anyone else as my partner. That being said, your jealousy towards me was constant and palpable. You said it yourself once under the passion fruit vines- how you are a jealous person by nature. Please, for your sake, work on accepting what you have. Try to let go of your traumas. Be kinder to yourself so you can learn to accept yourself as you are and work on the things you would like to improve without leering at others’ mastery of them.

Be you! The majority of the time I thought you were wonderful. Don’t turn this around and snap at me and my flaws (as became a nasty habit of yours during the second semester of the internship). It’s time to part and stand on your own. Look into a mirror and focus on your reflection. Do it for yourself. Believe me, you’re awesome! 😀

Call me calloused, call me cold
You’re italic, I’m in bold
Call me cocky, watch your tone
You better love me, ’cause you’re just a clone
By the way, you’ve been uninvited
‘Cause all you say are all the same things I did
Copycat trying to cop my manner
Watch your back when you can’t watch mine
Copycat trying to cop my glamor
Why so sad, bunny, you can’t have mine?

Summary and What’s Next:

I’ve never met a group of people as insane and mentally unstable as I did during this internship. I’m glad it’s over and I hope enough of myself before this experience has survived to remind myself that the rest of humanity isn’t necessarily as unreasonable. I’ve changed so much due to this internship and I mourn much of my past self, but I have hope that my heart hasn’t hardened enough to prevent myself from loving and accepting new, deserving people in my life. It hurts to help and get slapped, but not as much as the shame of ignoring an outstretched hand.

The plan now is to begin training for a triathlon and study for the dietitian exam for the next three months. Then get a job as a dietitian and get a master’s degree. Maybe learn a language somewhere in there. I’m thinking German or American Sign Language. Limbo is scary, but we’ll see what happens. I fly back to Texas next Wednesday July 3rd! Happy summer everyone!

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Week of June 25th 2018- Piecing Together the Week

I did nothing this past week. Well, nothing on this blog at least. I was preoccupied… Yes, let’s say that. Since I didn’t write everyday, I only remember big moments from my week. I remember being in a funk. Which is code for depressed, in my case. My therapist last year said my symptoms are consistent with persistent depression; which just means I’m always in a state of low grade depression, but I also get episodes of strong depression mixed in. Does that make sense? Well, this was another one of those. I was feeling crappy as I tend to do, but it was a worse type of crappy than usual. That’s the simplified explanation. Now that we are, hopefully, on the same page, let’s try to piece together the week, shall we?

Monday, June 25th- Let Family Spoil You

Work 7:30am- 3:30pm

My dad drove me to work. He picks me up 8.5 hours after I clock in for full shifts, but this day I had a weird 7.5 hour shift (half hour for lunch implied). I called home and then waited in the cafe area for him to arrive. Why do I have my dad drive me when I have a car that I could drive myself? My favorite book. It’s called Cut and it’s by Patricia McCormick. There’s this scene towards the end of the book that encourages the main character to let her dad go that extra mile to take care of her. “let him” So, I let my dad trouble himself. It makes him feel useful, I hope, and even if I’m grumpy in the mornings before my shift and tired after them, it’s still another 30 minutes or so a day I spend with him that I probably wouldn’t otherwise.

We ran some errands after this. Went to pick up food from my favorite Chinese restaurant, went to my doctor’s office to pick up my shot records that my internship is asking for, and (finally!) went to exchange my old phone’s sim card for the proper size for my new phone. Not sure what happened after.

Tuesday, June 26th- Who knows.

No work. Was supposed to translate a couple of old posts into Spanish, which I clearly didn’t do, because as I mentioned I did not do a single thing for this blog all week. Let’s keep investigating and come back. Really blank on this day. Don’t think I went or did anything actually. No, I didn’t. I had plans on Wednesday, so I didn’t even do laundry this day. I guess I just sulked all day.

Wednesday, June 27th- Drinking, Bowling,  Movies with Joyce and Inspiring Bloggers

I went out with Joyce today! Joyce started working at the grocery store I work at around the same time I did three years ago, but this is the first time we ever hung out outside of work. Naturally, we decided to go get drinks. Problem was the bar we met at was closed for a private event. So we roamed around the surrounding shopping area, stepped in a fancy bowling ally only to be eyed funnily by a posh guy in a suit. It was a fancy bowling ally. So, we stepped right out and decided to just catch a movie. We watched The Incredibles 2. I was very impressed with the movie. I know it’s tailored as more of a kid’s movie, but the themes hit home. Yes, technology dependence is out of control nowadays and yes, sometimes you need to be a hypocrite to improve the world. Just a couple of examples.

The best part of the outing, for me, was after the movie. I’d had my dad drive me to the bar since I preferred to have a ride back after drinking than driving myself, so Joyce and I ended up chatting in the parking lot of our workplace until my dad arrived. We talked about the usual, boys. Then moved on to our dreams and hopes for the future. Included in this, was the topic of my blog. We talked about social media and other online methods like video blogging to share our stories and I think I may have inspired the creation of another blog. Yay! One of my friends (Mariah) has already started her own blog* after hearing me babble about mine. Hee hee hee, soon I will have my own legion of bloggers to collab with!!

Thursday, June 28th- Shattering a Jar of Bay Leaves and Cathartic Singing

Work 7:30am to 4pm. Meeting at work at 7pm

The most memorable thing about this day was the cathartic episode between work and the meeting. Like I mentioned above, I was in a low grade, but worsening, funk all week. What finally broke me was me breaking a little glass jar of bay leaves. It was easy to deny my sluggishness as part of my usual low grade depression, until I broke that little jar. Sure, I always have the lingering low grade depression, but I’m the person with a small scar on her left index finger because I once, instinctively, tried to catch a carton of foil as it fell. I caught it by the jagged metal teeth. Yet, I didn’t even try to reach for the jar of bay leaves. I didn’t even register them falling until I heard the shattering glass. Slow movement sounds like a dumb, fake symptom of depression. At least, it did to me until this occurrence.

I couldn’t deny it anymore. I was not okay. There’s the usual that I was upset about (low self-esteem and body image are favorites), but what pushed it over the edge was a falling out with a friend the night before. It happened late at night (or early morning, if you prefer) around 1 or 2am. By the end of it, I was furious. I felt played. Betrayed. And I do not wish to speak to this person again. I was angry. I fumed. Told them off. But I did not cry. I didn’t yell. I sent angry texts, but otherwise did not physically react. After the bay leaf incident, I felt the belated tears. I was so angry. So devastated. I locked myself in my room as the tears streamed down my face. I told myself to get the emotions out. I tried to sing, but I probably couldn’t have spoken if I’d wanted to. My throat was so tight.

But, I pushed through that hideous knot in my throat and sang/whispered tentatively. Slowly, my voice got stronger. I picked belting songs so I could scream. One song, I couldn’t even finish. It’s an amazingly emotional song. Kitchen Sink by Twenty One Pilots. I’d never sung that line “Leave me alone. Don’t leave me alone.” with as much truth and pain. (minute 4 in the link) I surprised myself. I couldn’t get through the end vocals. They just turned into racking sobs. Something out of a movie. I couldn’t recreate it if I tried. Over an hour later, I was back to my mediocre wannabe singing voice and began to get ready for the meeting at work.

Friday, June 29th- More Blogging Buddies?

Work 12:30pm to 9pm.

At the meeting on Thursday, I announced that I have a blog, so I began giving out my business cards and trying to get people to commit to hanging out on Monday or Tuesday before I leave for Puerto Rico. Can’t remember anything eventful today except talking to Bella. I was cleaning registers and she was heading home for the day. I found out that she either has a budding blog or is thinking of starting one. What is with everyone embracing this online autonomy? It’s awesome! We both got super excited with the thought of doing a collab in the future. I don’t think anything else memorable happened.

Saturday, June 30th- Breakfast with Lyza

Work 4pm to 10pm.

I didn’t sleep well. I woke up sometime after noon. I know because my childhood friend Lyza wanted to go for breakfast or lunch this day, but I wasn’t awake until after she texted me. We ended up going to IHOP or should I say IHOB. Yes, this is when IHOP did their promotional name change stunt. Smart actually. Gutsy, but smart. They did get a ton of attention for it. Anyway!! I (finally) added her and my brother on SnapChat after eating some biscuits and gravy. Yum! I’m going to miss that and sweet tea. *sigh* Goodbye southern foods! Afterwards I went to work. It was a decent day. It was like I was wearing rose colored glasses. I was so aware I may or may not see some of my co-workers or customers again. So, I played nice.

Sunday, July 1st- Last Day Working at the Grocery Store

Finally! Today I was super aware of many lasts. My last dash upstairs to put my lunchbox in the fridge before clocking in. The last time I got mad at a manager for putting me on a register. The last time I got petty comments from customers. The last time I’d say “Hello, how are you? Did you find everything you needed?” The last time I had to call a manager for a price check. I told one of the guys who work for a grocery delivery company it was my last day. I saw him often enough and it was his last order of the day. He saluted me. X) That was sweet. I also got a few hugs and a danish from my co-workers.

I stopped myself from crying a couple of times. The last time was when I ran into an old cashiering buddy (she switched departments, so I found her next to the vitamins as I went to pick up that danish a co-worker bought me). I broke off the conversation to go get my danish because saying goodbye was getting to me. To make things worse, I ran into my ex. I met him when he worked in the same department as me two years ago. Now, I ran into him in the dairy department, which is adjacent to the bakery. It wasn’t the first time I passed him in the hall as I dashed over for a danish. I told him this would be the last time we met under these circumstances. He said I looked happy to leave. I said I had to, or else I’d cry. My eyes started to water as I turned around to find that darn danish. He knows how much I hate goodbyes, so he didn’t say anything. Just let me go.

I’m glad to be done with the phase in my life where I had to work a job due to necessity. Not skill or interest. But I am heartbroken to leave so many wonderful people behind. I can say whatever I want about the company (actually a great company to work for), but they sure know how to hire good people. Okay. I need to stop. Not about to cry now!

 

Notes:

*I will ask Mariah if she wishes me to include a link to her blog. It would break her anonymity, so I have to make sure she is okay with that.

  1. I’m rather impressed I remembered as much as I did. I really did write all of this in the last three hours Sunday night (or Monday morning, if your prefer!). It’s almost 4am Monday right now.
  2. I hope to have gained some readers with all the shameless business card shoving at work. I was a restaurant management major for a semester. I should know what I’m doing, right? :p If you are an old co-worker, welcome! Thanks for stopping by!
  3. Either way, thank you for sticking by this weird piecing together of last week. I have social plans for the next three days up until I fly out to Puerto Rico and start dealing with apartment hunting and other internship preparations (internship doesn’t officially begin until August). Wish me luck! As of yet, I have a one way plane ticket and not much else. Not even a hotel… eep!

 

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Week of May 14th 2018- Graduation!

Woot! First weekly blog post! I am very excited to begin a new form of blogging. Like I said in my Thoughts and the Past section, I’m used to blogging as if I am journaling. It’s going to take some getting used to showing more than telling. Anyway, with that being said, let’s get into it. Hmm, I’m sure the format will change, but how about we go day by day for now?

Monday, May 14th- Impromptu Breakfast and SnapChat

After a few weeks of not seeing my friend Sherri, we met up for breakfast. Or that was the plan. Instead of going out to eat though, we went to the store and bought eggs, sausage, and other breakfast-y items and made food at my apartment. I live with a couple: Richard and Mariah. This morning Richard was out presenting a final project for the semester, but Mariah was home to have our impromptu breakfast with us. We made eggs, sausage, potatoes, and a nice blenderful of berry smoothie. I think we were all aware this would be one of the last times we would be able to do something last minute like this. I didn’t ruin the moment by taking pictures.

The other “big” thing that happened this day was that I got a SnapChat account. Ha! My best friend had been begging me to make one for ages! I know I now have this blog, but that desire to stay in touch is strong. Especially with friends I’m so close to now. I can’t bare to let them drift away even faster than time already will provoke simply because I’m not well versed in social media. Soo, yeah. That’s been a ridiculously fun learning experience.

Monday, May 14th Part 2- Dress Shopping and Nutrition Counseling

… because I am losing my days and somehow thought the following events took place on Tuesday… which doesn’t make sense because it is Tuesday night as I write the following day’s events. Monday! This section is still Monday.

The girls and I went dress shopping today. Remember that my graduating wasn’t guaranteed? I was doing very poorly in one class which may have been a motivating factor in deciding to attend as many little graduation ceremonies as I can if I did end up graduating. Well, I roped Mariah into this. I convinced her to attend a Hispanic Convocation on campus so that we could be in the same ceremony. (She studies Natural Resource Management and I study Nutrition Dietetics, so our official graduation will be at different times.)

Anyway, with another ceremony, we went in search of a dress to wear. We went to the mall and a small secondhand shop. No dice. So, we got a bite to eat and called it a day. Sherri went home and I bugged Mariah and Richard for the rest of the day. I feel bad nowadays to spend too much time alone. I feel like every moment I’m not spending with the two of them is a moment lost. Like I said, hanging out won’t be as easy once we graduate. Life is going to change. A lot.

The last eventful thing that happened today was that I began nutrition counseling Mariah. Background on that: I took a nutrition counseling class this semester and I loved being in the position to teach someone about nutrition. I have a passion for education and I thoroughly enjoyed doing it on an individual basis. It was so satisfying to see my client for the semester take in the information I gave them and apply it. I was so proud of our work and look forward to being able to help someone out this way again.

Thence comes Mariah. She and Richard have been together about four years. They have a wedding date set within the next two years. Hmm, someone wanting to lose weight and someone about to graduate in nutrition. Like I said, I loved the counseling experience. One small problem though. I am not a licensed dietitian yet. Despite this, I offered my help to Mariah. I let her know, I am not an official dietitian and that other than that brief class experience, I am a complete novice in counseling someone. With the promise not to sue me for malpractice or anything else, she took me on. I am grateful for the practice and, of course, to help her achieve some of her health goals. We had our intake session this night which left me wanting to join in on the fun by focusing more on my own health journey.

Tuesday, May 15th- Graduation Photos and Last Hiking Trip

…Now it’s Tuesday. How is it only Tuesday? I thought it was Wednesday!

We took graduation photos. Well, as best as we could. Sherri, Mariah, and I headed to campus around midday to get this checked off the graduation to do list. Before snapping any pictures though, we stopped by our club’s office to visit the staff. I was a part of Mentor Tech (a mentoring organization on campus to help students transition into college life by providing them connections to people on campus such as professors or staff members [mentors] and undergraduate students [PAC Leaders]) my four years in university, but I must say that this year I finally let some walls down and got attached to the staff. I will truly miss them. I brought them thank you notes and an invitation to the Hispanic Convocation on Thursday. As a bonus, I also brought a flyer for my blog and a balloon dragonfly to promote my site. Ha, those management classes are coming in handy now!

After the visit, Mariah and I attempted to pose for our novice photographer (Sherri). I deliberately say attempted. Neither of us are decent enough to even be called armature models. We took photos at a couple of places on campus before getting hot and discouraged. To hydrate, we stopped by my old workplace for some water. We ran into my boss of three plus years and chatted a bit. After promising to return for one last visit with my family on Friday we left.

Later Mariah and Richard headed out to go on one last hiking trip. I went to give a friend a book that kept making me think about her then grabbed some food and went back to my lone apartment. Mariah and Richard are camping tonight and returning tomorrow which means I have the place to myself. I love being alone for a few hours at a time. I sing at the top of my lungs and watch all the T.V. I want! It’s been great! I’ll be glad when they get back though, but for now, no one can stop me from blogging at 1am while listening to Eye of the Tiger by Survivor!

Wednesday, May 16th- Road Trip Call and My Favorite Aunt

I was awoken by a phone call. Sherri has this habit of calling me when she goes on long road trips. I think it’s really sweet…when I’m awake. Well, I took her call and we chatted for little over two hours with a couple of disconnects as she drove through the towns with spottier cell service. We spoke about a party she had gone to with her classmates. First impressions? A ton of Chemical Engineers to be sitting in a room awkwardly not talking to each other. HA! Then we spoke a bit about boys as the topic tends to get derailed among girls. Who knows what else we talked about. I just know it ended with me giving my word I’d go check in on her cat.

My roommates still weren’t home so I sang some more songs with ridiculous high notes and belts. I called home and worked on this blog. Ordered some pizza, because cooking for one? Yeah, no. Soon after my roommates came back I got to talk to my favorite aunt. Her name is Melody. We each shared some life changing news. (I will announce mine soon. Her’s I will respectfully not share.) She’s the aunt who always has something positive to say, not matter what she is going through. I proudly seek to be like her in this way. She’s taught me to embrace change and keep living no matter the situation. And not only to live, but to enjoy life. I admire her so much.

Thursday May 17th- A Shower Serenade and Saying Goodbye

Mariah woke me up with news of a surprise party for a staff member from my club. It would be Rudy’s last day as he is moving across the country this weekend. Before even thinking about this, I goofed around for a bit then got ready. I picked some good belting songs and had a great last shower singing session. Tomorrow both Mariah’s and my family are coming for our graduations. This is the last day I have of my normal college life with her and Richard.

So, I serenaded them. A sort of goodbye and I hope you will miss my too confident cracking high notes. After my little concert, we left for the Mentor Tech office. There we had one last get together with fellow staff and PAC Leaders. We said goodbye to Rudy. Once everyone had left we took some stuff to storage one last time. So many lasts.

Finally, we attended the Hispanic Convocation. With Richard and Sherri in the audience we heard reminders to remember our roots and be proud of our culture and our accomplishments. After the event the four of us played a quick trivia board game then set to packing when Sherri left for her place. I’d been avoiding packing. If everything still looked normal, maybe I could convince myself that my college life isn’t about to end. But it is. No use denying it anymore.

Friday May 18th- Packing and Protege

Packing. That has been most of the day. Other than putting all of my belongings into boxes throughout the day, I went to say a final farewell to my boss. I was supposed to bring my family, but they hit traffic on the way and couldn’t make it on time.

Afterwards I had dinner with one of my freshman proteges from my club. It was so nice to be invited to meet up. We ate and had some delicious ice cream amongst delightful conversation. I can’t believe I only had them for a year. Some background: In Mentor Tech, participants (called proteges) are assigned a PAC Leader (or Protege Advisory Committee Leader who is an undergraduate student usually in the same or similar major). If available, they are also assigned a mentor who is a staff or faculty member at the university usually in the field the protege hopes to go into. This academic year I served as PAC Leader to five wonderful freshman. I hate goodbyes, but it was so nice to see Sue one last time. I am so proud of them all.

Saturday, May 19th- Graduation Day and People Invasion

I graduated with my Bachelor’s in Science today. Yay. I’m just glad it’s over. Maybe it’s the fact that my parents and Mariah’s parents both came into town yesterday. I don’t have a problem with any of them. My issue is forgotten social anxiety. Anyone else forget things are a problem for you until you are put in that situation? Like, I don’t know. Maybe you have a dog and he/she is a huge leash puller, but you’ve been letting them run around the yard for exercise and haven’t taken them on a walk in a while. I’ve done this. One day I get the brilliant idea to take my dog, Misty, on a walk because “you know, how bad can it be?”. Then…it’s bad. And I’m stupidly surprised by how bad, because it’s been too long for me to remember the last time. Yeahh. That’s my social anxiety.

So, my room has been invaded by my wonderful family. I love them, but they are in my room. They won’t leave. Part of the reason for that is that Mariah’s family has invaded the living room and common areas. My family, as a whole, is also socially awkward. So, my room is full of people, just like the rest of the apartment. Everywhere I turn: people! Aghhhh…

Anyway, on with my day. I woke up early to go to Mariah’s graduation at 9:30am. I was with her family and Richard until about an hour before my graduation where I switched people and was with my peers one last time sitting in an arena waiting to be called to graduate. Then I went out to dinner with my mom and brother. Then I escaped my family a bit by…. sitting in the living room with Mariah’s mom, sister, and nephew, in addition to Mariah and Richard. This was still stressful. Then I came back into my family-infested room and have been sitting in a corner singing to cope. *sighhhh* Why am I like this?

Sunday, May 20th- Goodbye College Town Hello Hometown!

It was a sad day of farewells. My family woke me around 5:30am. Looks like they were ready to go. We began taking stuff down to the vehicles alongside Mariah who also meant to leave this day. When it was her time to go, we stood awkwardly between her packed car and my semi-packed van. Then she hugged me tight and must have said some parting words. I couldn’t hear over a voice in my head screaming to break the hug. The tears were already forming. It was too much, too long. Too painful. So, I pushed her away. When she wouldn’t let go, I hugged her again then forced us apart and ran back up the stairs, my throat tight and tears streaming down. The last words I heard from her were “I’m so confused”.

My family continued packing. I did not want to participate. My life is ending. Well, my college life at this point has, indubitably, ended. It ended the moment our parents came into town. Then Mariah and I (and all the rest of my friend’s at university) weren’t each others. We were then at the mercy of our families. I love getting sidetracked on my musings, don’t I?

Back to the day’s events: my family continued packing. Sherri came to pick up her house key, so I was able to say goodbye to her. I think I was so emotionally drained by then that I could not mourn her. Then came the goodbye to Richard. My mom and I were taking the last of the stuff down to the cars when I told him this would be it. He just looked at me and said “What do I do now?” Ha! At this point I shooed my mom away and told him, “you mail anything I left behind to me.” He stood there a second then offered me a hug. I denied it.

Context: yesterday I’d requested a hug from him because I thought that’d be the last I’d see of him. I did not expect to get up so early. So, I denied him. Like he had offered to me the night before, I put my fist out for a fist bump. The perfect words danced in my head for this though I did not say them aloud. As our fists met, I wish I’d said, “None of that emotional crap. We’re bros, remember?”. He was always so chill with me and treated me like one of the guys. I miss him already.

The rest of the day was quite mundane. We drove about six hours back to my parents house where I’ll be staying while I work over the summer. I fought for my right to do my own laundry. (My dad insisted he’d wash it while I insisted I just lost my whole way of life and I wanted to be able to do something, anything for myself!) Then I began watching a new television series and went to sleep. I miss my old life.

 

Talking to myself…out loud blog version:

I want to post my whole week’s happenings at once, but I also want to write daily so I can remember the details. Seeing how I skipped a day in the middle of the week and managed to imagine an extra day, you can see how important daily blogging will be. Maybe I’ll post half of my week first then update on the same post when the rest of the week is over. Or I’ll post on a new “weekly” blog every Monday and update on the same post daily. It just seems like a waste to make a new blog post for every day! OR I could wait till Sunday to post it all at once. NAHH.

It’s a learning process.

 

Notes:

(1) Balloon design by Gustavo (Balloon twisting and photograph by me)

(2) As always, all names are pseudo names. (except Misty…That is actually my dog’s name.)

(3) I have gotten permission from the director of Mentor Tech to use the organization’s name. If you are thinking of going to university at Texas Tech, I highly recommend being a part of the organization and becoming a PAC Leader. The club helped me grow as a person and holds a special place in my heart.

(4) Next weekly post…expect it on Thursday or Friday…?