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Posted in My Life Now, Uncategorized

I don’t know if I can do this anymore

Posted on by Lizzie Gomez

A few weeks ago, my watch documented that I went on a walk and burned 330 calories in about an hour. I was actually sitting in the ICU doing chart reviews on my patients for the day. The following are my thoughts I wrote after this happened.

I know anxiety and other mental health and really even just mood and mentality in general are NOT just in people’s heads. These things have physical effects. And if anything, I have the evidence that I did have noticable physical effects from it just now. And yet…

Most of the time I still tell myself I’m exaggerating. Even now with data right in front of me I’m telling myself it’s a fluke and it really is just in my head and I’m fine. Or if the data isn’t a mistake, then there’s something physiologically wrong with me and that’s all it is.

When I say this job and current phase of my life is killing me. I do mean it literally. The amount of stress, anxiety, hopelessness, unhealthy eating, lack of sleep, and insufficient exercise and negative mental environment during the majority of my day are slowly killing me. I’ve seen it in my own medical labs, in my heart rate just now, and multiple times a week when I breakdown before succumbing to sleep and repeating the whole cycle all over again.

And I know there are steps that can be taken to get out of this vicious cycle. I continue doing what I can, but every setback makes it that much harder to get up the next time. I don’t know if I can do this anymore.

You know the worst part? My job is to go up to people, people just like me, stuck in ruts and their own devastating cycles and tell them to eat their vegetables, maybe not sit on the couch after work until bedtime stressing about everything there is to be stressed about, and instead go for a walk or meal prep some overnight oats. That’s what I don’t think I can do anymore.

How do you tell someone the truth, that by not prioritizing what they eat, how much they exercise, how much sleep they get, and how stressed out they allow themselves to be, they are killing themselves faster than the cancer, renal failure, diabetes, heart failure, etc? How do you tell that to someone who knows all that and wants to do better, desperately wants to help themself, but is homeless, in prison, barely able to provide for their children if they skip a few meals, or simply has so much else vying for their attention that they do not have the mental capacity to care about the food they consume?

I’ve seen and heard so much suffering. Yet, even when I am at my best, have all the energy and drive and positivity to give my patients the care they deserve, I feel like my efforts are pointless. At the end of the day I can only hope I’ve helped the people I’ve spoken to. I’ll never know for certain. The only people I know about after an interaction are the ones who come back a week or days later, often with the same problem, and often with the same nutritional/lifestyle solution that could, at the very least, lessen the severity of their illness. Or, I know of the ones who die at the hospital with or without my efforts.

I don’t know if I can do this anymore.

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I Am Miserable- three months after moving back home with my parents

Posted on by Lizzie Gomez

It’s extremely depressing to realize you currently have nothing to live for. My mood is a fucking roller coaster. It is exhausting and always refreshingly strong in its mania and depression.

 

Be Careful What You Wish For…

So, I realized why I’m so miserable since I came home from my year-long internship in Puerto Rico. (Believe me, I was miserable there too, but in a different way.) I have nothing to live for. I don’t have anything going for me in my life. I thought this is what I wanted. I thought I could use several months to reset and improve my life. To focus on myself and in a sense set myself up for success when I ultimately begin my career. Nope. That did not work.

I’ve been back at my parent’s home since July. It’s been three months. Feels like so much longer. I hate the emptiness. I thought I wanted to be free of school and work stress. I dread getting a job, because people stress me out. I can’t live without anything at stake though. I’ve gone from one extreme to the next and every day I feel like I’m worse off. I had the opportunity to move to West Texas with a friend and I decided against that because my father in a heartfelt moment told me “you’ve suffered so much already”. He pretty much told me to take a long deserved break. That got to me.

 

Another Flashback to my Less than Perfect Childhood. Boo Hoo. Feel Free to Skip; You’ve Read This All Before.

Thinking back, my life has been as easy as an unfortunate life can be. By age ten I was used to the idea that I had to look after myself. Moreover, I felt responsibility for my family (my mother, brother, and father). By 14 and for the entirety of my high school years, I felt little to nothing. I was practically a kid. My mind was older, sage and self sacrificing and my body was grossly overweight like a middle aged woman, but my age was young. Too young for how I went about life and how it treated me.

I felt almost nothing those years. I remember admitting aloud that I did not feel love from my parents nor did I have feelings of love for them, but from my behavior you would not have been able to tell. They were my obligation. Fact, not feeling. I helped in anyway I could. Ways that shouldn’t have been asked of me and, to be fair, ways that were not asked of me.

 

Why I’m Obsessed with Achievements and Why I am a Masochist

But that is who I was. Who I still am, if these last three months mean anything. I tried to keep them happy. As happy as they could be, given the circumstances. I felt like their protector. I felt strong and learned to enjoy that spark of a high. If nothing else made me feel anything, being responsible for my family made me feel accomplished. Well, not that I could really feel that then. That may be why it did something for me. I didn’t have to feel it. It was evident. On paper and not in my heart, it was clear my playing the part of comedian, translator, perfect daughter, etc. was an accomplishment.

That’s how I learned the intoxicating power of selflessness. Of putting myself last. Of suffering for the health of others. And liking it. So, yes, to all of my friends who have come to know me personally and have asked me why I put so much on my plate or why I’m such a masochist. I finally have an answer for you. Selflessness meant something to me when nothing else did. So, in a sense, it wasn’t true selflessness, though I wasn’t aware of it at the time.

It gave me a purpose. School also gave me a purpose. My parents were preoccupied with other much more important things than me. I understood that and accepted it. I still do as much as it still hurts. I wasn’t about to stress them out more by being a mediocre student. So, I had a goal of high grades and going off to university to escape my home.  As paradoxical as it sounds (and get used to that, because it’s the essence of my being), I strived for new academic heights as a way to please my parents, (well, not even that, just to not stress them) and I also did this for my own personal gain- escape.

 

But It Was Not Enough To Make Me Happy

I, understandably, was miserable. I grew up being told I was melodramatic. I believed it. I thought I should have been happy. My parents weren’t divorced, I had an older brother, had good grades, and a couple of friends plus those everyday things sometimes taken for granted like clothes, clean water, electricity, etc. and I was capable in many areas as my never ending new hobbies proved. I felt I should have been happy, but I knew I wasn’t. So I left.

Without more than enough money awarded to me by my high school to pay for the dorm fee and without the support of my father (to move several hours away) I left for university where my purpose was free from my need to please them. I learned my own values and began therapy. I learned to feel. I was finally happy. I was free. I was me. Then I, confused and without anyone knowledgeable to ask, I picked my major. Then changed it the next semester. (As always here is the link to that story.)

 

And I Set Myself Up For a Life of Self-Loathing

I feel as if I tried to fail out of that major throughout most of my time completing it. I almost did, in fact. An internship is mandatory in my career. I almost did not get matched….but I did. If you’ve read my blog during the last year, you’ll know how that went. (Hint: I say this in the truest sense of the word- I am traumatized.) Now I have to take an exam. That’s it. I’ve tried so hard to sabotage myself and this could be it.

I went through the education to become a pharmacy technician and simply did not take that exam. That sent my life in a completely different direction. I ended up doing hospitality/customer service work (more trauma there) instead of a much higher paying job in the field I originally sought to pursue. (Link to that story here.) This lead to my first choice of major (hospitality) and ultimately my degree (nutrition and dietetics).

 

I Believe I Could Be Happy if I Chose to Be… But Will I?

I think I could be happy in this career, but I spent so long fighting it, I don’t know with certainty anymore. I should feel blessed. I am grateful. I understand a bachelor’s degree is an accomplishment. But it doesn’t feel like anything to me. I feel like a failure. I am very disappointed in myself and my life choices. Half the time, I fully hate myself. After five years of working for this wretched career, I’m at a critical point of make or break. I have no doubt in my ability to pass the exam. I have the capacity to learn. I just have to convince myself it’s something I want to do.

That’s terrifying. I still don’t have an exam date. I haven’t registered. (I don’t have the money for it, plus I’m just putting it off.) I also don’t doubt the possibility that I simply will not take it. That I will have suffered though that despicable internship for nothing. I’m in limbo. If that’s the only thing I have to work towards, if that’s the only guiding light in my life right now, it’s no wonder I feel dead inside. I don’t have anything to life for. Worse yet, the only thing looming in front of me is a career that so far has brought me more pain than joy (and not the good type of pain!).

 

WOO HOO! Summary Time Finally!

That was to be my first point in this rambling: the biggest thing I have to work towards at the moment is something I’m almost convinced I dislike. Obviously, I’m resistant. Obviously, this makes me unhappy. My second point is that, being back in this household, I’ve lost the sense of myself I’d gained during the last five years on my own. I’m not the perfect daughter or sister, but I still have strong urges to help my family before myself.

With how depressed I’ve been, that has proven difficult, but when it comes down to it they are a higher priority to me than myself. That isn’t healthy. My third point, and one for a separate post because that’s a much longer complaint, is that triathlon training is slow. My faulty coping mechanism of emotional eating was never resolved during my years away from home, but it was improved, for sure. Nope. Now I hear my parent’s voices sometimes and instinctively reach for chocolate.

So yeah, TLDR: I’m miserable. I’m all kinds of messed up and I recently realized I currently have no pleasurable purpose in life.

SO… life sucks. Try to have a decent day, but if you can’t, I don’t blame you.

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The Happiest I’ve Ever Been

Posted on by Lizzie Gomez

I have four unfinished drafts. I haven’t written in four weeks… or more. I get four new ideas every sleepless night. There’s too much and not enough going on in my life. And I can’t take it anymore. I’m writing at 3 am and decided to publish whatever word vomit I create. A friend of mine once suggested (likely out of pity) that my readers must like the honesty that these sad writing sessions are born from. He said this after I expressed confusion that one such word vomit post did infinitely better, views-wise, than a post I spent upwards of eight hours on.

 

Audio of this post:

 

The Best Four Months of My Life

 

Living on my own, therapy, love, and more…

I want to write. I do. I used to fight for myself. I did very well- surprisingly well- the first semester I moved into an apartment on campus by myself. Sure I had apartment-mates, but I saw them each no more than three times that whole school year (they were worse recluses than me!). It took until finals time to falter. That semester in group therapy I gave more advice than sought it. My life was great and I ran with that. Literally. That was when I started running. I wanted to do a 5K. About two months in I was pushing myself and that was the only area in my life I would not be satisfied with. I wanted to continuously improve and did.

I loved my life that year. It was the best semester of my life. Best three or four months of my life. I did things because I wanted to and that was that. I tried the whole vegetarian thing. I was looking into studying abroad. It was glorious. And, of course, I was in love. My first boyfriend. That’s pure. Completely the wrong person for me and that became blatantly apparent in the next few months, but for that brief beginning… it was glorious. I didn’t know I could be so happy.

 

Friendship, Healthier Coping, and Constant Support

That was the semester I began a friendship with one of the most caring people I’ve ever met- Mariah. I’d never had such a close friendship with someone before. It’s incredible she’s still my friend. That was also the semester we both turned 21. Every other weekend we’d get together, just the two of us (well with her boyfriend playing video games on a nearby couch), at her apartment to hang out and try different types of alcohol. Not the wildest college drinking stories. Not even close. But the best I could have asked for.

I’ve had issues with emotional overeating since I was about 10 years old. That semester? Not until finals time. It was like I imagine nicotine cravings are. Awful. Constant. And gnawing. Obviously, it wasn’t without a couple slip ups, but until I gave up during finals week… it was amazing. I sang so much that semester. Constant music. That’s what they always say. Therapists and other positive role models I’ve had: replace negative behaviors with positive ones. It’s so difficult. Sounds simple, but a song isn’t as effective as a donut for me. Not at first. That’s the semester I learned to be okay with crying. I’d been told crying isn’t shameful since I’d started therapy two years prior to that semester, but on my then boyfriend’s shoulder I accepted it.

It was my first semester as manager at a little food shop on campus. I met my coworkers I’d be friends with for the remainder of my university career. I was so nervous about my first leadership role. The boyfriend was constant support through anything and everything that semester. I’d never had that. With him, my therapists, my friends, and a pinch of belief in myself I learned I could be happy. I didn’t have to keep punishing myself for something I felt I deserved.

 

Beginning to Like Myself and Learning to Enjoy Life

I can’t underestimate this next part. I’ve hated the way I look, especially my weight, over any horrible thought I’ve ever had about my intelligence or other abilities. I never in a million years thought I’d look at myself with anything but disgust and shame. That semester, sometimes I’d wish I looked like someone’s reflection or shadow I’d catch at the corner of my eye then I’d realize that reflection or shadow had been mine. It was extremely confusing and alien at first. I began wearing tank tops for Pete’s sake! I liked how they looked… I almost can’t believe I got to that point. I was by no means skinny. I’ve dreamt of being skinny for more than a decade at this point. I didn’t weigh myself that whole semester. Maybe once for a class, but I think I refused to look at the time. Yet, I’ve never been happier with my body. Sometimes I would look in a mirror (I hate mirrors) and like how I looked! Actually looked at myself and felt good- confident even!

Unbelievable! That whole semester… And I enjoyed the heck out of it. As I experienced it I knew it likely would end. I was terrified. Like an unsavory indigestion I kept swallowing down. Yet, I pushed it aside and had the best three or four months of my life. It doesn’t sound like much, but when you’re used to wallowing in sadness sure that that’s all you’re worth- pain and disappointment- four months is infinity. I regret nothing. I lived. I loved. And I sure as hell made the best of it.

 

Where Am I Now?

Wow. That was certainly not the direction I expected this to go. Usually when my mind wanders it reminds me how unhappy I currently am. Getting creative, Brain. You jerk. Well, since I doubt I’ll finish up those other four drafts anytime soon, here’s the summary.

  1. I used to publish just whenever I was inspired on my old blog which was about once a month. I’m done making promises I won’t keep. Not to be rude, but I can’t keep disappointing myself. I’ll publish when I publish. Sorry.
  2. I hate living at home. My friend offered to let me move in with her, but she lives in West Texas about six hours away from where I currently live. I said no. I regret that at least five times a day. Okay, maybe only three times a day.
  3. I’m codependent without anyone to be codependent with. That’s what those four drafts said in a nutshell.
  4. The fourth kind of overlaps with the friend offering her home thing. It was a pros and cons list of moving out or living at home with my parents.

 

I hate my life right now. I have plans to make it better. I hope I follow through with them. It’s kind of difficult at the moment to find motivation. But what choice do I have? It’s fight for myself or be miserable. I know I’ve written something like this at least five times before, but that’s what I’ve found life to be: a repetitive pep talk where I have to convince myself I’m the most qualified person to care and put in the work to make my life enjoyable. I don’t know what else I can do.

I’ve given up on people before and I will never forgive myself for it. I’m terrified of what will happen if I give up on myself completely. I’ve seriously let myself go, but I know there’s some line I’ve never crossed. I know I haven’t reached rock bottom. Things can be worse. And I’m afraid. I don’t want to get there. I won’t get there. Stupid pep talk after stupid pep talk- I won’t let myself get there. Thanks, Fear. Thanks, Unhappiness. I will only let my life get better because of you.

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I’m Still Sore – Personal Poetry Collection

Posted on by Lizzie Gomez

Disclaimer: This is an old poem. I found a batch of poems from my last semester in university. I wrote this less than a year after breaking up with someone. It’s the same someone I posted about who isn’t over “the way he made me suffer when we were together” (click here for that post). It’s a year late being published, but I find transformation and change fascinating, so I’m posting it to mark that confusing, but all too real, state I went through post break up.

Appreciate yourselves and know when you deserve better. That’s one of the most important things I learned from that relationship. Sincerely, thank you Jay.

 

 

Spring 2018

I’m Still Sore

What do you want from me?

Isn’t that always the question?

Please don’t hurt me.

I’m still sore from last time.

 

Don’t you see?

I gave you my prime.

I gave you my glee.

Now, I give you my rhyme.

 

Did I want to be free?

or simply flee?

Truth is, I felt like a flea.

I felt that was my fee.

 

So now I plea-

please don’t hurt me.

I’m still sore from last time.

 

You ate my thyme.

Turned me into chyme.

Now I am slime.

But I am no mime!

 

Don’t you see?

I gave you my prime.

I gave you my glee.

Now I give you my rhyme.

 

It is not a crime-

to be.

 

Though I’m still sore from last time,

You will not hurt me.

No more questions.

 

Do what you want, but

not with me.

 

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Week of July 22nd 2019- West Texas, Swimming, Apathy, and Mexico

Posted on by Lizzie Gomez

Monday, July 22nd- Last Day in West Texas

Heyyyy guysssss…. Yeah, I took a trip to West Texas the week before this then just didn’t write about it. If I decide to write about it it’ll be a Friday Thoughts and Past post. Basically I spent time with my old college friends that I hadn’t seen in over a year (since I graduated university). I stayed with Sherri, but on Monday she had to go to work, so I went to the park with Mariah and her fiance, Richard. There were too many children to have fun on the playground, so we ended up just walking around. I got some nice pictures by laying on the grass. Haha, Mariah then picked everything out of my hair and clothes as we walked.

When Sherri got home from work, she and I played Sims before making a quick spaghetti dinner and watching a few episodes of The Office. I’d never seen the show, so I was a bit lost, but it was cool. It was nice to have some down time with Sherri as she’s usually the kind to invite me to parties and other outings, haha.

 

Tuesday, July 23rd- All the Alphabet Games!

Time to head back home. :< The weekend wasn’t enough to catch up with my old friends. I had the opportunity to move in with Sherri, but I told her no. 😦 I’m not as brave as I once was. I don’t want any more adventures for a while. I just want to pass my licensure exam and then worry about getting a good job and money. I also have a sense of responsibility for my family and feel I’ve been running away from them long enough. Either way, I told her no, even though I am still considering moving down there so I won’t lead her on if I decide not to. Maybe I’m just leading myself on.

Mariah drove on the way back, so I was in charge of the navigation and music! 😀 We played so many music games that the hours just flew by! Our last game was an ABC game according to artist names. To make it harder, the song titles also followed the ABC format! XD It was interesting. We pulled up to my house while listening to Puff Daddy. XD

 

Wednesday, July 24th- Not Feeling It

I missed swim practice on Monday since I wasn’t in town and I didn’t run or bike all weekend either, but on Tuesday I was oddly energized. Today? Nah. I was so tired and over it. But I went to swim lessons anyway. That’s a big reason why I decided to take lessons even though I already know how to swim. I am terrible at self motivation.

 

Thursday, July 25th- Last Day of July Swim Lessons

I still wasn’t feeling it. Didn’t run or bike either. But I went to my final swim class and took a final dive with one of my classmates. All of the ladies in the class are about 20 years or older than me, but they were nice and charismatic. I’ll miss them.

 

Friday, July 26th- Borrrriiinnnggg

I think I just watched The Office today. X) Yeah, I started watching it from the beginning. It’s super cringe and I almost stopped watching it because of that, but then it became tolerable, and now I’m caught up to the episodes I watched with Sherri, haha.

 

Saturday, July 27th- Target Run

Yep, nothing else that exciting. I’ve essentially given up on studying at this point. I figure I’ll start when I’m in Mexico and have nothing else to do. I’ve also given up on running, biking, and swimming until I get back from Mexico. I’ll exercise at home in Mexico instead.

In the evening my mom noticed we needed more dog food, so we went to get that. Our dog Misty will be watched over by one of our neighbors (my best friend Lyza’s family) and our turtle, Frankie is currently on vacation herself with Mariah. She did me the favor of taking care of her until we return to Texas. 🙂 She sends me photos periodically which make me super happy.

 

Sunday, July 28th- To Mexico!!!

Finally this trip! It’s the reason I’ve accepted being a lazy freeloader for the past three weeks. Didn’t want to get a job and have to explain that I needed two weeks off right off the bat for vacation! Also…yeah I am naturally lazy… Anyway! Finally! Because of the whole moving to Puerto Rico thing for a year last summer, it’s been two years since I’ve been to Mexico. I’m excited and not.

I’m excited to see my favorite aunt and her kids, but a lot has changed. Her eldest daughter is married and pregnant, no longer living at home, her son is also out of the house, and her youngest daughter is still at home, but has a child of her own. Things are very different from two years ago when the eldest had just moved out.

What I’m really wary about is going to my father’s house in Mexico. It’s usually a safe haven for me that I love coming to to forget the stress of everyday life. It’s in a tiny town far away from everything and usually it’s just me and my dad, so while my dad spends time with his brother all day I get much appreciated alone time. Not this year. This year my mom and brother are coming with us. They don’t like the little town as much as my dad and I do, so they don’t visit every year. I sound like a jerk, but I like being alone… *sigh, not this year.

 

Next Week!

*Week 1 in Mexico

*Potential cabin fever being in a little house in an even smaller town with all of my immediate family.

*Spending time with my favorite aunt and her grown up children.

*I go to a Mexican dermatologist? I guess

*The Fair is in town! How do I always make it on time for that? I don’t plan it!

 

 

 

P.S. The internet (first year it’s available in our little house in rural Mexico) is super spotty. It took more than an hour to just get this post published after I finished writing it. :/ Can’t wait to go to Mexico City. X)

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Clingy Ex and a Cool New Song

Posted on by Lizzie Gomez

Loved You Once by Clara Mae (lyrics by AirwaveMusicTV)

We don’t need to be best friends
We don’t need to hang again
But tell me why we have to be strangers?
‘Cause I loved you once

Surprise! As I was making the current playlist post before this one I found this song by an artist I like. I can tell upon first listen that it’s going to make its way to my playlist immediately. Especially as at the moment of writing this my ex keeps texting me and apologizing for how he treated me when we were dating and not appreciating me. That’s the gist of it at least. He’s sent me two or three of those texts in just the past three weeks now that I’m back in town. Our relationship only lasted for nine months and was mostly long distance. We broke up in summer of 2017. It’s summer of 2019 as I publish this. -___-

I can’t be nice anymore. It isn’t working. I could be his friend because I now know and firmly believe what everyone told me when he and I were together: that I can do way better than him. It sounds harsh, but it’s true. I don’t want him back and there is nothing he could say or do to change my mind. I’m not that naive and desperate as I was when we got together; nor will I ever be again. That being said, as Ariana Grande put it and I’ve been telling him over a year before the song got released: Thank You, Next. I could be his friend, because I feel this way.

But I don’t believe he can. Unfortunately I’ve dealt with clingy people like him before and any form of niceness just encourages them. Asking to hang out like friends (when our “dates” were us watching movies or shows at his house anyway) that would just not be a good idea. I am not about to even imply to his delusional mind that I want anything more than a friendship which is how he’d interpret my friendship, I’m sure because it has happened before.

It’s been two years and he says he can’t let it go. Two years is long enough. If you can’t move on J, at least leave me alone.

 

Note: Picture from Pexel’s Free Photo Library
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Current Music Playlist- July 2019

Posted on by Lizzie Gomez

To the one person who voted in the poll about a week ago: here’s that post you asked for. A little late, as per usual, but here it is. (I went on a weekend trip, my bad.) I was asked for my current music playlist, so I went on YouTube and scrolled through my history and identified 34 songs I’ve listened to often enough to confidently say they are on part of my current playlist this month.

34 songs approximately 3 minutes long each. Should be a little more than an hour and a half of music. I hope you guys enjoy! Below are all the songs in order of my current obsessions with snippets of my favorite lyrics! 😀 And here is the link to the YouTube playlist.

 

 

1. Issues by Julia Michaels (lyrics by Keeping Low)

I’m jealous, I’m overzealous
When I’m down, I get real down
When I’m high, I don’t come down
I get angry, baby, believe me
I could love you just like that
And I could leave you just this fast
But you don’t judge me
‘Cause if you did, baby, I would judge you too
No, you don’t judge me
‘Cause if you did, baby, I would judge you too

 

2. Parents by YUNGBLUD (lyrics by fangirl lyrics)

‘Cause my high hopes are getting low
Because these people are so old
The way they think about it all
If I tried, I would never know
My high hopes are getting low
But I know I’ll never be alone
It’s alright, we’ll survive
‘Cause parents ain’t always right

 

3. Six Feet Under by Billie Eilish (video by Sofar Sounds)

Help, I lost myself again
But I remember you
Don’t come back, it won’t end well
But I wish you’d tell me too

 

4. Do I Wanna Know? (Cover by Dua Lipa) Originally by Arctic Monkeys (video by BBC Radio 1)

So have you got the guts?
Been wondering if your heart’s still open and
if so I wanna know what time it shuts
Simmer down and pucker up
I’m sorry to interrupt it’s just I’m constantly
on the cusp of trying to kiss you
I don’t know if you feel the same as I do
But we could be together, if you wanted to

 

5. i hate you, i love you by gnash ft. Olivia O’Brien (video by gnash)

Don’t want to, but I can’t put
Nobody else above you
I hate you I love you
I hate that I want you
You want her, you need her
And I’ll never be her

 

6. Polygraph Eyes (Acoustic) by YUNGBLUD (video by Interscope Records)

Too many blokes are getting heavy
When a girl looks unsteady
Blisters on your bleeding soles
“Here have my boots, I’ll walk you home”
He walks her straight up to the front door
As she stumbles on the floor
We all know what happens next
A bit of fun turns to regret

 

7. Happy Pills by Weathers (video by Weathers)

I take my pills and I’m happy all the time
I’m happy all the time
I’m happy all the time

…

La-la-la-la-la-la
La-la-la-la-la-lala
La-la-la-la-la-la
La-la-la-la-la-lala
We take strange things to feel normal
We take strange things to feel normal
We take strange things to feel normal
To feel normal, to feel normal

 

8. I Think I’m OKAY by Machine Gun Kelly, Yungblud & Travis Barker (video by Machine Gun Kelly)

Watch me, take a good thing and fuck it all up in one night
Catch me, I’m the one on the run away from the headlights
No sleep, up all week wasting time with people I don’t like
I think something’s fucking wrong with me

 

9. Ride (Live) by Tyler from Twenty One Pilots (video by BBC Radio 1)

I know it’s hard sometimes
Yeah, I think about the end just way too much
But it’s fun to fantasize
All my enemies who wouldn’t wish who I was
But it’s fun to fantasize

 

10. Soap by Melanie Martinez (Live) (video by Billboard)

I’m tired of being careful, gentle, trying to keep the water warm
Let me under your skin
Uh-oh, there it goes, I said too much, it overflowed
Why do I always spill?

 

11. You’re Not There by Lukas Graham (lyrics by Justin McKissick)

Every step I take, you used to lead the way
Now I’m terrified to face it on my own

 

12. Toxic (Cover by Melanie Martinez) Originally by Britney Spears (lyrics by SuperbLyrics)

I’m addicted to you
Don’t you know that you’re toxic?

 

13. I’m a Mess/ Issues (Mashup by Madilyn Bailey) Originally by Bebe Rexha and Julia Michaels, respectively (video by Madilyn Bailey)

It’s gonna be a good, good, life
That’s what my therapist say

 

14. Copycat (Acoustic) by Billie Eilish (video by Interscope Records)

Call me calloused, call me cold
You’re italic, I’m in bold

 

15. Titanium (Cover by Madilyn Bailey) Originally by David Guetta ft. Sia (lyrics by Greg Salivio)

I’m bulletproof nothing to lose
Fire away, fire away

 

16. Me and My Broken Heart by Rixton (lyrics by glamlyrics18)

To make it easy, you lie
And say it’s all for love

 

17. Break My Heart Again by FINNEAS (video by FINNEAS)

Oh, it must be nice
To love someone who lets you break them twice

 

18. Trapdoor by Twenty One Pilots (lyrics by oh my hoshi [formerly Clifford Clouds])

And he pretends he’s okay, but you should see, oh
Him in bed late at night, he’s petrified

 

19. Dead to Me (Live) by Melanie Martinez (video by JBTV Music Television)

I need to kill you
That’s the only way to get you out of my head

 

20. Bellyache by Billie Eilish (lyrics by disastrophe)

I lost my mind
I don’t mind

 

21. Guys my Age by Hey Violet (lyrics by bubblegum lyrics)

Now I’m out and wearing something low-cut
‘Bout to get attention from a grownup

 

22. Dollhouse by (Live) Melanie Martinez (video by Z90 San Diego)

No one never listens, this wallpaper glistens
Don’t let them see what goes down in the kitchen

 

23. I Took a Pill in Ibiza (SeeB Remix) by Mike Posner (video by Chill Nation)

Now you don’t wanna be high like me
Never really knowing why like me

 

24. Bad Guy by Billie Eilish (video by Billie Eilish)

I like it when you take control
Even if you know that you don’t
Own me, I’ll let you play the role
I’ll be your animal

 

25. Ocean Eyes (Young Bombs Remix) by Billie Eilish (video by Chill Nation)

No fair
You really know how to make me cry

 

26. Too Good at Goodbyes (Cover by Madilyn Bailey) Originally by Sam Smith (video by Madilyn Bailey)

I’m never gonna let you close to me
Even though you mean the most to me

 

27. Pillowtalk (No Sleep Remix) by Zayn (video by Chill Nation)

Fucking and fighting on
It’s our paradise and it’s our war zone

 

28. i’m so tired… by Lauv & Troye Sivan (lyrics by Sleepy Wolf)

Trying my best to meet somebody
But everybody around me’s fallin’ in love to our song

 

29. Grace by Bebe Rexha (lyrics by Matthieu)

I wish I could make myself stay
But our hearts don’t live in the same space

 

30. Air Catcher by Twenty One Pilots (lyrics by astrojace)

I was doing fine on my own
And there wasn’t much I lacked
But you’ve stolen my air catcher
And I don’t know if I want it back

 

31. Self Control by Bebe Rexha (lyrics by Matthieu)

‘Cause when it comes to you I can’t say no
I don’t wanna taste, I want it all

 

32. Don’t Get Any Closer by Bebe Rexha (lyrics by Matthieu)

Don’t get any closer
These walls are super high so don’t even try

 

33. Happier (Cover by Mailyn Bailey) Originally by Marshmello (video by Madilyn Bailey)

I want to see you smile but
Know that means I’ll have to leave

 

34. New Rules (Cover by Madilyn Bailey) Originally by Dua Lipa (video by Madilyn Bailey)

Now I’m standin’ back from it, I finally see the pattern
I never learn, (I never learn)

 

Thanks for making it to the end! You can definitely tell I’m into live and acoustic versions, remixes, and covers at the moment, haha. My musical tastes go through phases. For example, the genres I listen to most often are rock and pop and I don’t think I have a single rock song on this list. I’ve also gone through obsessive phases of country, alternative, folk, EDM, ballads, and who knows what else.

Soooo, I know a ton of songs. I stopped adding songs to an old master playlist about three years ago and it already had more than 300 songs on it! (Now I settle with my 20+ different personal playlists on YouTube. XD) Yeah, this was fun. 🙂 And to think I used to avoid music, haha! (Because I [rightly] thought it was addictive.)

Hope you enjoyed the playlist! Comment below any other song(s) you are currently obsessed with! 🙂 I’d love new music for a new playlist, haha.

 

 

Note: Picture from Pexel’s Free Photo Library
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Week of July 8th 2019- Medical Appointments, Purple Hair, and my 4 Year Old Friend

Posted on by Lizzie Gomez

Monday, July 8th- Dentist Appointment… Remember to Read Contracts and Ask Questions Before You Sign

I’m weirdly excited to be back and getting all these health appointments checked off my list. It’s not that I didn’t have health insurance in Puerto Rico, in fact it was a requirement for my internship over there. It’s just that….. ermmmm….. well, in this case I have only come to trust one dentist in the world. I’m sure there are many capable people in the profession, but I’ve only been introduced to one along my traumatizing dental hygiene journey. That is why I refuse to see anyone else.

The check up went great. All the usual stuff: a few cavities, a scan of my teeth since they’d recommended something to straighten my teeth (won’t say the name, because ehh, I’m not a lawyer), and, oh yeah, the tech or whoever was flossing my teeth at the end of the cleaning yanked out one of my fillings. ….yep. Everything was fine and then I felt something in my mouth. Whatever, they had to put more in for those cavities I mentioned. It was either coming out there or at home, so no biggie.

$35 was all thanks to my insurance. I got some papers to sign about the teeth straightening thing. 2293 or something. No comma. No decimal point. $35 and $22.93, that would make sense, right? Nah, after another scan to send off to the company they clarify and say it’s $2,293 and that I’d already signed and agreed to pay that amount. Gosh darn it. I’m really upset by this, because I misunderstood and didn’t know that I’d misunderstood, so I didn’t ask questions and ugh. It’s frustrating. Hopefully they can work something out with the company. Geez.

 

Tuesday, July 9th- First Day Playing Professor

Ha… I didn’t go to the gym today. I woke up at 2pm. Yep. Didn’t think I needed an alarm. Thought, what’s the harm in waking up at 10 am or even noon, I’ll just go to the gym then and study after. Nah. I woke up at 2pm. -____- So I didn’t. instead I read a bit more of chapter one of the first textbook I am working on reading to study for the exam to become a registered dietitian. After coming to a decent stopping point, I made a power point, added some pictures and presented it to my mom.

That was my plan. Study then teach. Best way to learn, I thought. It might still be true, but it was a process to teach her conversions from the metric system to the imperial and vice versa. I don’t know if I can do this, or (as mean as it sounds) if I want to. I don’t want to drag out my study time. I just want to learn this stuff well enough to pass that exam and know how to treat my future patients. We’ll see how far I get with her.

 

Wednesday, July 10th- Eye Doctor Appointment and Getting Used to my Face Again

I went to my favorite doctor today! 😀 Ever since I was a kid, the optometrist has been my favorite medical appointment. He helps me see and doesn’t stab me with needles or drill in my teeth without anesthesia (yeah, kind of why I’m traumatized in regards to dentists…). I think that’s a good trade off. We’ve been going to that same doctor for years and it’s been pretty great that the staff there has seen me grow up. It’s like a subtle check up on my life goals every year to make that small talk about what I’ve been up to since my last appointment.

I wasn’t joking about the triathlon, guys. I want to do one. (I want to do more than one, but baby steps, haha.) So, I got some contacts. It’s pretty weird to switch from glasses to contacts. Not just for others, but for the person wearing them. I hardly ever see my face without glasses. Mostly because even if I wasn’t wearing my glasses I’d have to be practically pressed against the mirror! XD No, but in all seriousness, I’m dorkily excited to get used to just my face again. 🙂 I’m actually thinking of a few other changes… but…. I’ll keep y’all in suspense until they happen. heeheehee…

 

Thursday, July 11th- XD I Dyed my Hair Purple

Hahahahah, that was fast, wasn’t it? Yeah, so it was a good day for Instagram today. I’m getting more used to this social media thing. This whole week I’ve been pretty good about posting to my Instagram story. I think I feel more motivated to do so knowing I left behind some friends in Puerto Rico that may care to see them. 😥 I miss Chance and Joseph. But yeah. There’s my shameless plug for my Instagram. Follow me @MyDragonflyLife.blog I pinned a story about me trying to poke my turtle, so make sure to check that out! 🙂

Anyway, other than playing with my turtle, Frankie, I went to the gym and decided to bike 10 miles. That was absurd seeing as it’s only my second day biking. Haha! The sprint triathlon I’m aiming to do is a 12 mile bike, so oh well, I’m progressing just a tad quickly. X) After coming back from that mess I decided to create another one…. on my head. XD I enlisted my mom to help me dye my hair purple.

I know, I know. Not good for job prospects, but I’ve wanted to dye my hair for years now and I figured now was the perfect time. I also figured purple is the hardest color to mess up. Light or dark purple, it all looks good. ……….yeah….. Didn’t turn out like I thought it would. XD Looks like a deep, dark mahogany with the slightest edgy purple tint. XD I don’t know how else to describe it!

 

Friday, July 12th- Triathlon Training Goals and Random Singing

I unashamedly did nothing today. Well. I didn’t study, which is supposed to be my main goal. I went for a run. :/ Ran 2 miles. Ugh. I did 1.75 on Wednesday, so I was hoping to do more today, but *sigh* I know it’s going to take time to get back to where I was two years ago when I used to run. My goal is 4 miles. When I decided to train for a triathlon I made this whole plan. I went full blown obsessed and have a year’s worth of monthly distance and time goals. My first month is 15 miles on bike, 4 miles running, and 100 meters swimming in less than 2 hours. Completely doable, I think.

After the run I watched yet another stand up special. I’ve been watching a ton of those lately. And…wandered into my brother’s room to play Guitar Hero on his Wii. heehee. That was fun, but like all other things, I suck now. X) I swear, I used to be good, but now I’m back to medium difficulty. After a few songs I switched over to a karaoke game. -____- I promise I can sing. Decently. When no one is watching….

Ughhh. I played for like an hour or so trying to shake the nerves. Uhhh. I know it’s just my mom and brother in the room, but I just can’t sing unless I think no one is listening. The sounds just don’t come out if I’m nervous in any way. :< It stinks. I mean, for all I know, I am a terrible singer. But I really do think I’m okay at it. 😦 One day I’ll share a clip with you guys…

 

Saturday, July 13th- I Made a 4 year old Friend 🙂

14.99 miles on bike. -___- 65 minutes. Gosh. So close. Since I don’t own a bike, this was on the stationary bike that automatically shut off after the hour workout and a 5 minute cool down. Geez, haha, I was so upset. Oh well, Now I have to work on improving my speed and pace.  After a quick stop for some junk food at a gas station, my best friend Lyza calls. I’d texted her yesterday about hanging out and showing her sisters 4 year old child Allison (Alli for short) my purple hair. Make up store she said. Not what I expected, but alright!

When they came to pick me up, Lyza was in the passenger seat while her sister, Sophia, drove. That meant Alli and I were in the back. It was cute. Alli was really shy at first, but eventually at the make up store I bonded with her over PAC man lip glosses. Apparently she really likes PAC man and Mario. I’m definitely taking her to an arcade someday soon! I hate skimming over everything, but we did a lot! My Instagram story showed more, but here are the big parts.

We ended up going to a grocery store and by this point Alli was following me around. 😀 She once said in her little toddler voice “I want to go with Laura” X) She can’t pronounce my name, heehee. I almost told her to call me Lizzie since that would probably be easier for her, but not even Lyza calls me that. That nickname came about in university. Anyway, at the grocery store Lyza and I each took one of Alli’s hands and would swing her super high. It was so cool!! And Alli loved it, of course.

At the end Alli and I held hands and started running around in circles. Hahaha, on the third one we went a bit too fast and Alli ended up sliding on her back for a full revolution or so. XD Sophia and Lyza we concerned when they looked back and saw Alli on the floor, but it was a smooth slide and I knew she wasn’t hurt. I think children react how they see the people around them react. I was smiling and happy and since she wasn’t hurt she smiled and was happy right back. 🙂

The last event of the day was going back to Sophia’s apartment to watch a movie. At this point Alli had picked me for a play partner and refused to have it any other way. It was really sweet, though I still wanted to watch the movie. In fact, I felt like all day I spent more time with Alli than with my friends… We played catch then some more chaotic form of dodge ball before Alli settled down to play Mario and I got to watch the movie with Lyza and Sophia. All in all, and amazing day!

 

Sunday, July 14th- Mopey

I wasn’t feeling today. It kind of hit me that I have to study and want to train, but I really have no where to be. No responsibilities and while that’s great to some extent, I need something to work towards. It also hit me that I don’t have any money. My parent’s helped me out when I was in Puerto Rico, but now… I’m living in their home. Eating their food. Yeah, I’m not going to ask them for an allowance. Ugh, I could have a job if it wasn’t because my dad wants to go to Mexico for two weeks with all of us (he played the “I’m old and I don’t know when the next time we will all be able to go together will be” -____- I couldn’t say no.)

So, here I was all day. In my room with the door closed (yes, I took back that right even though I know my parents don’t like it) singing or watching anything to distract myself from the thoughts in my head. Until midnight when I suddenly wanted to do everything and write about countless topics. -____- Why brain?

 

Next Week:

  • Swim classes start on Monday! Hopefully my hair dye doesn’t color the pool water purple….
  • My friend from university will get here on Thursday. My older followers might remember Mariah. Then on Friday she and I will drive down to another part of Texas (about five or so hours away) to visit other college people. For her, her fiance Richard and for me my freshman year roommate Sherri.
  • Also continued running and biking, though I only have until Thursday when Mariah gets here. o.o Looks like I’ll have to pull some double sessions. Plus the swimming. Uff! I hope I survive! Come back next Monday to find out!
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The Gift of Gab, no! The Wit of Writing!

Posted on by Lizzie Gomez

Writing is such an eclectic thing. You know how some people have the gift of gab? I most definitely do not have that. I do, however, have something much less useful in this world of short attention spans: the wit of writing? I guess??? I can write. On and on and on. Yet, I don’t like to. I have no direction. That’s what my fourth grade teacher said. (She was right and I’ll never forget it as long as it’s true.) And without that direction, I can go anywhere and jump from one topic to any other. In writing.

It doesn’t connect to conversations. You would think that it would because it’s my same brain and my same knowledge and thought processes, but no. A rotund no. With people, they have to say something to me first. Otherwise I won’t talk to you unless it’s absolutely necessary. Then I’ll respond to your queries. If you have no queries…. I go silent. I wasn’t always like this. In fact. I was quite the opposite. The silence used to make me nervous and I’d purposefully and awkwardly fill in all the gaps with nonsense babble. Until a friend straight up told me it wasn’t necessary and that silence was okay. I took the idea and ran.

Dammit Jane. (My sophomore year roommate. XD)

On paper (or screen too, I guess) it’s different. I can write and write and write. About something as well as nothing. I will sit and stare at the screen not feeling in the mood to write often or not wanting to make the effort to fully develop an idea that I care about. Is it strange or self absorbed to say I value my ideas that much? But I do! I don’t want to just spew trash to you guys! That’s why I find it so difficult to actually write. This that I’m doing now is easy. It’s that thing I least enjoyed analysing in English class: stream of consciousness. Writing anything and everything that comes to mind. In other words… word vomit.

That’s easy. But to take one (just one!) idea from all of the shining beams of thought shooting around my mind and tend to it, clothe it, feed it, and nurture it into a fully developed adult. Eh, I’ll settle for adolescent. That’s difficult.

So, what did we learn today? I’m a lazy piece of shit that simultaneously thinks too highly of her ideas yet too lowly of herself to formulate them into something sensible and meaningful. We also learned that, yes, I’m committed to publishing Friday Thoughts and Pasts posts again. I’m sorry. XD

 

Help me out for next week, will ya?

 

 

Note: Picture from Pexel’s Free Photo Library

 

Posted in Uncategorized

July 10th 2019- End of Nutrition Internship and Moving Back to Texas Update

Posted on by Lizzie Gomez

Yeah, so I don’t live in paradise anymore. And by paradise, of course I’m referring to Puerto Rico which I lived in for the past year as I did my nutrition internship. It wasn’t so much a paradise as I lived in it because I was so unbelievably stressed and busy due to the internship, but it was a sort of second coming of adult freedom for me so it’s a special place for me. 🙂

Anyway, what happened the past five or six weeks since the last update?

The Internship

I went to the Diabetes Association where Gia and I essentially did busy work. That was our last rotation together. Super chill, anticlimactic one to end it on, but oh well. The last rotation we each had was individual and was our choice. Gia went to our old cafeteria rotation we’d been on in February or so and I chose to go to Agricultural Extension that I’d gone to in November. I liked the professor and even though it was a trip across the island to the university I figured it’s my last rotation and I should do what I want to do for once in this internship.

After that, rotations were over and we had two weeks of just logistics to take care of. Axyl had long since come to an understanding with the director of the program that he would not be attending the graduation after everything that happened between him and some other interns, so he left in the middle of the first week of this. I begrudgingly stayed for the graduation. (I wish I hadn’t had to attend it either.)

 

Final Days in Puerto Rico

My dad came down to for the graduation. I told him it wasn’t necessary and that if I didn’t have to go I wouldn’t. But he doesn’t listen to me. So, he came down. I felt dead inside. I just did not feel like celebrating. I didn’t feel like doing anything. I wanted to lay in bed all day and forget the world. Well, my dad thought I was going to take him out and do things like I did for Easter. I thought I would too. But I didn’t. Going anywhere was a battle and after four days of sharing a room and oxygen with my father almost 24/7, I’d had it.

I switched gears and spent time with my remaining friends in Puerto Rico: Amanda, Joseph, and Chance. Yeah, I came home late (5am) and the next day (out of spite, I’ll admit) didn’t come home at all, but I felt like I had to. You know? This whole year I was on my own. I mean, I lived with Axyl, but in the parental sense I was on my own. I could do all the questionable things I wanted. (Not that I’m super crazy or anything.) But if I wanted to, I could stay out until 5am. I could go out at 10pm. Whatever!

Sooooo…. it became a thing. Lots of things were said. But I regret nothing. It had to be done. The first days moving back in with my parents were bumpy and I was at a point where I straight out told my father “you can say what you want, but I’m going to do what I’m going to do and if you don’t like it I’ll go to a place where you don’t have to see it.” I was ready to move out by the end of the month, if I felt that’s what I needed for myself. Spoiled Brat? Maybe.

Unfortunately this year long experience has given me fangs and taught me to fight back. Maybe that’s not the unfortunate part. The unfortunate part is I’m still getting used to them and am testing them out on my father. :/ Oh well, Gia was right… sometimes it’s the only way to get people to pay attention. :< However it happened, I’ll be staying in Texas for the foreseeable future.

 

What now?

I have too many plans. Too many things I want to do and some I need to. I have to study to take that exam to get licensed as a dietitian. I’m going to give myself until the end of October for that. I also am committed to training to complete a triathlon. I have a few sprint triathlons in mind for this year and my first regular one for next year. I hope I get that far with those plans, haha… I just started running and biking this week and I start swimming next week, so I’ll keep y’all updated.

Speaking of which, I know I’ve been saying this forever, but weekly blogs are coming back. Honestly, they probably won’t be as exciting, since I don’t have to travel or really leave my house for anything, but one is in the works to be published on Monday, July 15th, so come back for that. Also, since I’ll be holed up at home all day every day for the next few months, Friday Thoughts and Pasts posts will be coming back as well. I’m much more reflective when I have the time and oxygen to do so. I’m not sure about the Wednesday poems being a regular thing, but it’s all a process.

 

Next Week

Look forward to my first weekly blog in a while that will be published on Monday (July 15th) where I go to a couple medical appointments and try to start a study/workout routine. Hey, it’s my first full week back! I need a boring week to get into a groove! More exciting things to come! Hope to see y’all there!! 😀